<p>Please be honest and helpful in your views of the situation, I won't be offended :)</p>
<p>Entering college and the process has been the most stressful and upsetting thing, but I will never say so. I went to the college my parents liked because they're paying so it seemed fine to give them final say on the matter. They decided against my pick because it was 6hrs away vs 2hrs (South Cali vs North Cali). They said their pick was exactly what <em>they</em> had wanted (we had a long and painful convo). Its a great school, but it actually doesn't even support my course of study so...??? They really want to get into visiting on weekends, playing tennis at my dorms, surprising me at school, daily texts, etc.</p>
<p>Happy they're excited, but wanting to branch out as my own person as well, I'm extremely stressed and torn. I'm their first kid going to college, so I almost feel obligated to give them the college experience they never had. But how can I do this without sacrificing my own? I feel like I gave up my experience when I gave up my college choice. Tell me if I'm being bratty/ungrateful. I just feel overwhelmed by their need for connection and destined to always be/do what they want.</p>
<p>What is an appropriate response to all this?</p>
<p>You are definitely not being bratty or ungrateful. You are just trying to live your own life, detach yourself from your parents. This is the normal course of things and the way it should be. You have been very generous in what you have been willing to do, almost too generous.</p>
<p>Here is what I suggest. Try to pull back as much as you can without causing too much angst. Try to be busy if they want to visit too often. Surprising you at school is not good, you have studies to do, projects, not enough time. I can’t imagine just surprising my kids, they would be busy. As you have less time for them and more things you’re involved in, they will get used to you being away and not count on you as much for their personal entertainment and fulfillment. They will get used to it, but find a way to not be available for their every whim…maybe you aren’t ready to tell them to stop constantly bugging you, but make yourself too busy to make it easy for them.</p>
<p>Wow… playing tennis at your dorm… that is the first time I have heard that one! This is going to be an exercise in learning to set boundaries for them and stick to them. I appreciate that you respect your parents, but the time to set the first boundary (insisting on attending a college that offers your major) was last year. And you missed it… it seems to me that is a bigger problem right now than them hanging around campus (also an issue, but they are paying for an education you can’t use to reach your career goals, that seems like the bigger fish to fry right now).</p>
<p>Ignoring for a moment their omnipresent hovering at your campus, what are you going to do about the academic side of this?</p>
<p>I would suggest that a good first step would be to set up a communication schedule with them and stick to it. Given their neediness, agreeing to brief call or a text around dinner time every day to start with would seem like a good idea. If they call at some other time, don’t answer. If there is an actual emergency that requires an immediate response from you, they can send you a text or leave a message that makes that clear.</p>
<p>If you think they will make good on their threat to appear on weekends, I would similarly suggest planning a specific visit: say an afternoon every 4 weeks. If they know they will be visiting and when, it may help them contain themselves.</p>
<p>What you can do about the college not even offering your course of study I don’t know. Plan to transfer? You may, of course, change your mind: most students do. But keep your grades up in order to keep your options open. It may be that after the first year they will calm down. Especially when going back and forth involves 4 hours of driving. ;)</p>
<p>Like intparent, that ‘playing tennis at my dorm’ bit threw me. A quick question: are your parents non-native Americans? I don’t know any American parent who would think such a close relationship with a student in college would be OK. My one suggestion would be to really keep busy when you get to campus. (Even if it’s “fake busy” - a little white lie every now and then won’t hurt 
) Join a club sport, do stuff with other students, join study groups - anything and everything to keep you unable to visit home/host your parents on weekends. Maybe they’ll be pleased you’re so busy & fitting in so well and making the most of your opportunities there, and give you a bit of ‘breathing room.’</p>
<p>Thank you for your answers everyone! Keeping busy is something I’ll definitely be doing so at least I have excuses to use!</p>
<p>@intparent and Consolation, about the academic issue, I’m looking into transferring next year. I’m giving myself the year to be absolutely sure about my course of study (since I’ve heard its common to change your mind) before I say yes to a new school.</p>
<p>@katliamom, neither of my parents were born or raised in America, so there’s always been some degree of culture clash! They moved here in their mid/late 20s.</p>
<p>I haven’t really been as strong as I need to be with them, I suppose, and changes must be made. I’ve considered entertaining their daily text idea for maybe the first two weeks then transitioning to a Skype a week as I’ll be busier by then. Good or bad idea?</p>
<p>I would suggest some daily texts along the lines of “On my way to the library to study, love you, everything’s great, talk to you tomorrow” </p>
<p>If they know you are in the library they can’t really call or visit, right?</p>
<p>Then mix the texts up with “Have formed a study group, we’re meeting on Sunday, everything’s great, talk to you tomorrow”</p>
<p>Then some more texts “Pizza Night tonight in the cafeteria, then movie at the Student Union, everything’s great, talk to you tomorrow”. They are not going to show up at the Student Union uninvited !</p>
<p>Ha… if they will come to play tennis, what would be stopping them from coming to the student union? The OP indicates that they are possibly trying to have the college experience they never had. That is crossing the line beyond what we usually see out here. Not that some of us wouldn’t love to go to our kid’s colleges (trust me, I would quit my job and go in a heartbeat if I could afford it and they would let me!). But I don’t actually DO IT. It sounds like her parents are… actually doing it. Although it could be worse – no mention of them attending class with her (yet)!</p>
<p>OP, I think a daily text or two is just fine, and toss in one phone call or Skype on the weekends. That is what my D is doing as a freshman (mostly). But maybe ask them to come to campus only every two weeks so you can stay focused on good grades and activities at school. And then try to get them to take you out to eat (tired of dorm food is a good excuse!) so you are away from campus while they are there… If they will let you bring a friend or roommate sometimes to dinner, that is a way for them to feel involved in your life while giving your friend/roommate a break from dorm food, too. 
Especially if they are from far away and their parents aren’t visiting a lot.</p>
<p>I don’t even know what i would do if they showed up at my class, especially since they haven’t had a wink of my schedule…! It’s really nice to hear from other parents about this sort of thing I’ve read some great comments that I’ll definitely take note of!!</p>
<p>Hide your schedule. :)</p>
<p>I can’t think of any college who would want parents simply dropping by to play tennis unless the attending student is the offspring of Steffi Graf and Andre Agassi.</p>
<p>QLM</p>
<p>I’ve been sure not too leave my schedule open on my laptop ;)</p>
<p>@QLM, I’m sure the college would make sure they gained profit off of that!</p>
<p>Yeah, I am still mulling over the tennis visits. Because really the courts are intended for students, not visitors… this isn’t a resort (even though they are paying a lot of money for you to attend). Assuming you do not see other students playing with their parents, you might point this out to your parents (that other parents, even those that live nearby, aren’t using the courts). And that maybe you should find other things to do when they come to visit.</p>
<p>Kimmi, I’m a first generation immigrant with a son who is a senior. Not to make light of your situation but I’m going to show your post to my son because it will make me look like a liberal mom. It’s very considerate of you to think that you might sound ungrateful with your concerns (no, you’re not ungrateful at all!). </p>
<p>Some advice: (1) get one of the aunties to champion your side, to talk your parents’ ears off but in a subtle way (“You don’t want to push Kimmi away–give her a little space but not too much.”). (2) Oops, dropped the cell phone in the toilet again? (3) Don’t teach them any of the tech tools. (4) Surprise them and call THEM every now and then. (5) Do you have a sibling still at home? Pay him or her off (ok, just kidding here) to cause a bit of trouble to get the focus off of you. (6) Point to another set of parents THEY admire, whose policies with their college kids you like. That will go a LONG way. </p>
<p>Best of luck Kimmi. Parents grow up too at some point. :)</p>
<p>Maybe frame it this way: they always wanted to reach their dreams but never got to, so they want to live their dream through you! What is the heart of the dream? It is not a specific school! It is TO GO TO THE SCHOOL OF YOUR DREAMS. The best way for you to fulfill their dream is to fulfill yours. :)</p>
<p>I think you are very reasonable. You just need to respectfully present it to them. Say that you are really interested in studying X and the college they prefer only has Y.</p>
<p>@intparent, I managed to quell the tennis idea (or so I think) by suggesting we adjust first before planning visits…and no surprises because it’ll only be unfortunate to drive 2 hours to realize I can’t always just drop everything and come on an impromptu notice. Yay progress :)</p>
<p>@2018class, You can definitely show this to your son! Sometimes we kids don’t know how good we have it haha. Also nice to hear from another immigrant parent!</p>
<p>Thank you all again for your responses. It does mean a lot because you’ve been very helpful!!! :D</p>
<p>Yes, that it progress. Nicely done!</p>