@BunsenBurner - for D1’s May 2024 wedding that’s what we are doing. We pay for the bartender, but we can provide all of the alcohol and mixers. We think it will be about 125 adults. I’m going to use my Costco dollars from my credit card for this year to buy alcohol! Their two signature cocktails will be named for their pups.
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S2 and DIL paid for just about the entire wedding. (They preferred to do that in the hopes that we’ll help with a couple of small parties next time they are in the US.) We did pay for the rehearsal dinner, at a small, family-run restaurant near the Ukrainian/Hungarian border. Lovely family, and the owner lived in Chicago as a young woman!
The rehearsal dinner and the reception were served family style. With a small group, that worked out really well. They bought one boutonniere for S and one small bouquet, which DIL didn’t carry! She used it to toss at the end of the party. Maybe they used it in the formal pics taken beforehand – I haven’t see those yet. The cake was decorated with leaves from the vineyard, and was baked at the winery. No room or table decorations – there would not have been enough room on the table for them with ALL.THAT.FOOD. The restaurant was all windows overlooking the vineyards – no need for other decorations. DIL made rose jam for favors.
No bridesmaids, one best man, whose role was to hand over the rings. DIL wore a pair of white block heels she already had. She did have a hair & makeup team for herself and the moms.
They paid for a very good DJ/officiant team and photography crew – $1k each, which is on the pricey side for that part of Ukraine, but those were important elements to them, along with really good food. They tapped extremely well into what their guests would like and worked hard to use local vendors and places they have frequented so they were confident of what they could expect. The other trappings weren’t important to them. No showers, engagement parties, etc. The restaurants were good about allowing them to adjust the head count, as they had a lot of drops fairly late in the game. The winery had a minimum spend, but I believe they allowed S & DIL to include at least some of the alcohol under that umbrella.
It was hard for me to sit back and not be involved, but I was 5,000 miles away, so my role was limited to advice and feedback when asked.
For S1’s wedding, long-timers may remember that I was the DIY-er and we did the vast majority of the catering ourselves. Held it at a local arts center. By the time we rented plates, glasses, warming trays, tablecloths, etc., etc., paid for the rental, contradance band, all the crafty things, etc., I’m not sure it was cheaper than getting a package at a hotel. But it was DEFINITELY personalized!!
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That’s a lot of money to spend, but to each their own. I don’t think it’s a good idea for couples or their families to go into debt to have a lavish wedding…the kind of wedding you have has no effect on what your marriage will be like. Heck, all you really need to get married is to go to the courthouse…
I am not surprised at the cost of weddings in NYC…most things are much more expensive in NYC.
As for who pays…I don’t think parents are required to pay for their kid’s wedding. If you’re adult enough to get married…you should be willing to pay for your own wedding (whatever that ends up being). Parents paying for some or all of the wedding is a nice bonus.
True. Though to be honest, the couples I knew in their 30’s paid for the entire wedding themselves, if their parents DID contribute, it wasn’t much…
Among people we know:
-We have some family friends who own a car dealership. Their daughter had a VERY lavish wedding and her parents paid for the whole thing. The welcome party was more lavish then most weddings. Her dad said if she and her husband eloped he would give them $12,000 in cash. They chose the wedding instead.
-When my niece got married, she and her husband paid for most of their wedding. They chose a date a year and half out from when they got engaged. They both moved backed home, so they didn’t have to pay rent, and could save that for the wedding. They got married in December, so the church was decorated already (saved money on decor) and that’s sort of a slow time for wedding. They also saved money by having their wedding on a Sunday and going on a smaller honeymoon to Scottsdale, AZ. They also got married at USC (where they meet) and I think they got some sort of alumni discount to get married at the campus church.
-D’s best friend paid for most of her wedding too. Her dad paid for some of it, but nowhere near the whole thing. D’s friend’s Dad is Mexican and he sourced a lot of the decor from Mexico and had his friend cater the wedding. They also had the wedding in a relative’s backyard (it was a beautiful backyard), so they didn’t have to pay for a venue. This girl’s older sister got married in a very small ceremony (they already had 1 kid) and their dad paid for the whole thing. But in this case, it was such a small wedding, he literally just paid for the dinner afterwards.
-D had another friend whose parents paid for a big wedding, but they’re wealthy. She had another friend whose parents also paid for a wedding, but it was another very small wedding, so basically the parents paid for a nice dinner for about 10 people. From what I’ve seen among D’s friends it seems to be most common for the bride and groom to pay for most of the wedding and the parents kick in a bit of money. Or the bride and groom pay for everything themselves. The parents paying for the whole thing seems to be the exception and not the rule. And that’s considering we live in an affluent area.
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I have a hypothetical.
Bridal couple, in their 30’s.
Partner 1 has school loans. Lots of school loans.
Partner 2, took out the federal school loans that they could. Parents paid them back. Said because we paid them off, this is our gift to you. The wedding is for you to pay for.
Couple decides to get married. The partner who has school loans, partner 1, their parents says that they will pay for the wedding.
But only if they are given credit for the wedding. They want the wedding invite to say, mr and Mrs parent 1 invite you to the wedding of partner 1 to partner 2. The other parents are to be completely left off the invite.
Partner 2’s parents are of modest means. Partner 1 parents are more financially secure.
Should partner 2 contribute? Should the bridal couple accept these conditions? Partner 1 parents are resolute.
Deliberately left out gender.
It used to be customary for the bride’s parents to pay… and the invitation would say “Mr and Mrs parent invite you…”. My daughter probably did not know that. So when she had her very small wedding (paid for with a chunk of the lump sum wedding gift from us) she worded invitation “bride and groom invite you…” It was not a bit deal to me, though I did worry that maybe relatives would think we didn’t approve and were not contributing.
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Son and daughter in law in their thirties paid for most. We contributed some, as did my sister and bride’s family. The invitation read something like “Together with our familes , please join us for the wedding of bride full name and groom full name.” Not exact wording but families were acknowledged.
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Question: do you think she meant “weddings don’t”, or did she really mean “marriages don’t”? “Marriages don’t” strikes me as a little cynical or maybe that’s not the right word but a bit pessimistic! Does she not at least believe in her heart that her marriage will last? I am blessed to have no divorces and very happy beautiful partnerships when I look to both sets of my grandparents and my parents (and myself at 27 years so far), and same with my husband’s side. I hope my kids plan on their marriages lasting. Obviously I know that divorces happen (although I believe the statistics show a big drop from that famous 50% we used to hear about), but it’s just interesting to set out thinking that marriages don’t last as long as education.
Of course, everyone on this site is probably a BIG believer in education!!! But as time goes on and I think about the single most important decision my children will make that will affect their happiness, I think it probably is the partner they choose. I hate to say it! Especially since that’s the thing I have the least influence over 
. I am in love with the careers they are starting out with, so thrilled with their educations so far, but I bet having a fabulous spouse vs a jerk will matter more in their happiness. Anyway, this is not to say I don’t think education is absolutely critical. And when we’re talking about daughters, of course we want to be sure they are completely independently self-supporting with fulfilling careers.
But if your daughter meant that weddings don’t last long, Absolutely!! It’s one fabulous (hopefully) day, that will create incredible life-long memories, but really goes by quickly and is just a blip in a marriage!!
Anyway, I am not meaning to nit-pick word choice; I’m genuinely interested if she expects marriages not to last or if she just simply meant a wedding doesn’t last longer than 5 hours
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Hmmmm, was it important to you for relatives to know that you paid for most? Did you think that they would think less of you if you didn’t? Not singling you out, just a thought.
I have a relative that had their children take out loans for college, that the kids had to pay back. At the same time, they had a 6 figure home renovation that they paid cash for. Complained that they couldn’t get any financial aid. Told me that their kitchen appliances were more than my roof.
I’m sure that none of their friends thought about how college was paid for. Who paid? Kids had good jobs, loans were paid off. I only know about the loans because I’m a relative and they bragged about paying cash for the home renovation. Maybe they told their friends the same. But it’s very common in my real life friend group for the kids to have loans, that the kids pay off.
I always wonder when these conversations come up here, that it seems to be very important that they paid for all, paid for some, did a contribution.
But I also wonder if people feel that they need to be recognized for that? How important is it to be recognized?
We reserved a beautiful venue that did not provide the food/beverages. We bought all of the beer, wine, and liquor from a liquor store chain. We returned the unused bottles (I think there was a modest re-stocking fee) for a refund. We hired the caterer from a list of approved vendors the venue required that we stick to.
Our caterers served us salads and bread to the table, but the rest was a buffet. The wedding planner assigned to us by the venue directed when each table should go to the buffet to avoid long lines. It all worked really well.
D2’s wedding was pretty pricey, but we’d started saving for college/weddings when our Ds were babies! The most expensive things were the live band and the flowers. But it all added up. D2 and her H said it was the most wonderful day of their lives up to that point. Personally, I would have taken the money rather than have a one day blowout, but D wanted her dream wedding.
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Your hypothetical makes it seem like if P1 and P2 get married, they will be dealing with money and family / in-law issues that could be damaging to the marriage.
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No, not really. (I was just happy D agreed to have a wedding with us in attendance - they had considered self-solemnization, legal in CO). But when we received the invitation it occurred to me that perhaps some of the older relatives (familiar with old traditions) would read and think we paid for nothing and did not approve of the marriage.
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Issues related to weddings and wedding invitations are traditionally different than anything related to college or home renovation costs. Those kinds of things don’t usually come with formal announcements ?
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It would not matter one bit to me what the others would think about who paid for what. Money is fungible. If we gave the kids a monetary gift in November after they got engaged and they used it to buy a car in January and then paid for venue etc. in April out of their annual bonus… did we pay for the wedding or the car?
ETA: I’m not a fan of having invites say the parents invite guests to their kids’ celebration if the kids are self-supporting - even if the parents gifted the wedding $$.
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Maybe that’s the difference.
If there is an invitation or announcement, then it matters to people that they paid.
Never thought of it that way.
I thought that any assistance that I gave my children would be acknowledged and appreciated. By them. And I never thought that needed to be publicly announced. Or that I needed for my friends and relatives to know. For school. Or a wedding.
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The only reason why the verbiage might matter… is the potential gift tax implications. If the parents give their kids $$$ over the annual limit outright, that’ll count against lifetime exemption. If the parents are hosting a party… well, it is their money and they are hosting a party. Arguably, if they paid for the dress, that would be a gift to the bride. But a plated dinner? Grey area, IMO. But I’m not a tax attorney 
ETA: aha.
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I never even thought about who people think paid for D’s wedding. Did not even occur to me and no one asked.
The benefit in having the parents names on the invitations (D and SIL had both sets of parents names on the back side of the invitation with the reception directions, etc) is that in the case of a large wedding where the parents invite people who do not know the couple personally it gives the invitee an idea who’s wedding it is. Sounds ridiculous but I clearly remember my in laws receiving an invitation addressed to them at their address and they did not have any idea who either the bride or groom was! Perhaps the parents names would have given them a clue.
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Makes sense.
But what about the other set of parents, whose names are not included on the invitation?
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That’s an interesting observation and I could see why the parent/‘s’ names would be on the invitation for a large wedding.
I haven’t been to many weddings in the last twenty years and I can’t remember the last time I saw anything similar to “The Jones’ invite you to the wedding of their daughter Susie…” Is this still a thing?
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DD and SIL wedding invitation was from both sets of parents. Inviting folks to the marriage of their kids.
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And as I said earlier, my kid’s wedding invitation last year was a together with their families, they invite you type of thing. It is not about who’s paying what, as many older couples pay all or most themselves. It is more about also honoring your families , regardless of what they contributed. I thought it was very nice that they included both families in the invitation. It’s just not all about the money.
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