We’re using very old fashioned, traditional wording. DH and I are inviting to the marriage of our daughter.
The way I look at it, invitations are always issued by the host and that mean the person(s) paying for the event. And when I’m a guest, I want to know who my host is so I can properly thank them for a lovely time.
But admittedly I’m a deeply rooted traditionalist and we’ve spent a lot of time parsing every single word of the invitation with many visits to the etiquette books. I’m almost embarrassed to say how much thought has gone into whether the invitation should say 5 o’clock in the afternoon or 5 o’clock in the evening.
The weddings of younger couples that I’ve been to in the UK, including ours, were all in this format, with the invitation issued by the bride’s parents. But that had nothing to do with who paid for what, in most cases the cost was shared in some proportion between the two sets of parents and the couple. It’s just the formal way to do it.
That wasn’t the case for second weddings of couples in their 50s though, where parents really weren’t involved in the planning (sometimes not even alive).
She certainly hopes her marriage lasts, but she also realistic enough to know that divorce is pretty common. So is death.
She had a number of friends in high school who lived in single parent or step families. And about half of her med school classmates who started M1 (first year of med school) married were divorced by the time they finished M4.
( I will also mention with great schadenfruede that the neighbor’s daughter who had the expensive wedding was divorced 4 year later.)
Also, she was probably strongly influenced because her dad died at a relative young age (as did her paternal grandmother and maternal grandfather, neither of whom she ever met) and she saw how the sudden loss of one income put the family on a precarious financial footing. (A multi-generational experience–same one both her dad and I experienced at about the same age as she was when her dad died.)
So I don’t think she was being cynical at all. Just pragmatic.
I think we are all shaped by our family history. And I think at the end of your daughter’s life, she will be glad about the choice she made. To have you invest in her education and to have her invest in her wedding.
This conversation has been very illuminating to me.
I am definitely not a traditionalist. That’s for sure.
I thought that the hosts at a wedding was the bridal couple.
I recently went to a shower. The person that the invitations said was hosting, was not the person paying. Of course I thanked the host. And the person paying. I don’t think that everyone in attendance knew that the host wasn’t the person footing the bill. The host did other hosting duties. But it didn’t include paying.
I also think that grooms now have more ideas, more planning and want to plan their day. It’s not like when the MOB and the bride planned. And the groom showed up. Grooms in their late 20’s and 30’s have likely been to many weddings and have opinions.
As couples put off marriage, especially in certain areas of the country, they have made their own way for a decade or more.
My daughter’s fiance asked if she wanted him to ask her dad before asking her to marry him. She told him she was in her 30’s and not a possession. She said absolutely not. So our family is not a traditionalist. If that’s what your family did, that’s great. But it wasn’t what mine did.
I have experienced the hosting vs paying scenario. The bridal party hosted the shower, but the parents were paying for the event. That was not advertised, I know because I’m a friend of the mom (I wasn’t at the shower).
My D’s (then) fiancee (now husband) asked for our blessing to marry D. D had informed us that he would not be asking for our permission to marry her as that was her decision.
They handled their engagement just as they wanted and it was all good.
We thought it was gracious of SIL to discuss with us – although they both knew our answer (thankfully we think D and SIL are a great couple).
The engagement was not a surprise as SIL was texting me photos of diamonds when he was shopping for a ring.
Of the recent weddings I’ve been to (admittedly very few), the parents were not part of the invitation. I assume the couples paid. Parents were, in one case, absent as the couple were a bit older. I think there were no parents to invite.
My husband has many nephews and there were a number of weddings in the 2010’s. I was unable to attend because of the kids being in school. The weddings were all overseas where most of his family lived. Hubby went without us and I am sure he didn’t mind too much, lol.
So it seems traditionalist weddings and invitations aare alive and well. Are parents doing the inviting for less formal weddings and are the parents included on those invitations?
Hmm…S/DiL’s invitations read “Bride and Groom together with their parents Mr Mrs Groom and Ms Bride request the pleasure…” We definitely fall into the camp of hosts are inviting you, regardless of where the money is coming from.
In our case, we paid for maybe 70%, S/DiL paid for most of the rest. MOB was purposefully given one or two specific items to cover bc DiL knew that for her mom, money would mean all decisions were hers to make. One of the items was the dress, the other was the cake, and MOB became unreasonable about both and ended up not contributing directly to either.
I had to go look as I had nothing to do with the wedding planning. Our son’s invite said, “Please join us for the wedding of …” I think us meant them as the bride’s parents weren’t involved either (and only MOB attended, at the last minute). GMOB paid for the dress, we paid for the alcohol, they paid the rest, but I can’t fathom anyone caring or thinking about who paid for what.
On a funny note, SIL’s 1980 wedding had very expensive engraved invitations that read, “(Bride) and (Groom) would be very happy and think that it would be great if you could come to their wedding” laid out formally, script and all. I, the traditionalist, was appalled and just knew that such a breech was a sure harbinger of divorce. It was.
I don’t expect there is a hard and fast rule. Whatever the couple and their families (especially if they are contributing to the wedding) choose to do is fine. I’ve been to a number of weddings lately and the invitation wordings are all over the map. One recent wedding had an evite rather than a paper invitation.
I’m of the camp that as long as the couple and their family are happy, its all good.
The old traditions are still very strong in my circles, which is in Texas and in my own particular friends/acquaintance group. Parents of the bride usually pay for the wedding. They host the wedding and are typically the ones mentioned on the invitation. I’ve been to a fair amount of weddings in the last decade and I can think of only one couple that deviated from that, and they are a couple well into their 30s (but according to mom of the groom, bride’s parents are very wealthy and are spending a fortune on the wedding in NYC).
That said, DH and I came from divorced families, so including everyone who contributed to the wedding on the invitation would have resulted in a “continued on next page” scenario. Instead, our invitation said “Jane Jones and John Smith, along with their parents, request the honor of your presence at their marriage on June 10, 1988 at XYZ venue, blah blah.”
First of all, so pleased in any wedding situation gender wise to see both members of “the couple” involved in the choices. I think traditions in the past really did focus on the bride (in heterosexual couples) for so much - the showers, the bride’s parents paying, the focus on the dress and wedding party, etc. And the groom “shows up” - so to speak.
I very much do NOT feel like we will be the “hosts” of our D’s spring 2024 wedding - even though we have a fantastic relationship with the couple and are contributing $ wise and in on some of the planning. THEY are the hosts and we are so pleased to be there!
I guess if I’m attending a wedding I don’t think so much of thanking “the hosts” but CONGRATULATING the couple and any family members that are feasible in the busyness of a wedding night or after.
There is not a right or wrong. Just different points of view.
My D’s asked me if DH would want their boys to ask his blessing. I thought he might not care since he didn’t ask my dad. But both did, this summer, and DH thought it was cool, especially since he’s not always included in all the girl talk and speculation.
As far as costs, I have decided to pay for the dress and the catering. Groom’s parents doing rehearsal dinner. DD’17/fiance will be able to cover the rest. It’s not going to be excessive but still when I add it all up, seems like a lot for a day!
I have to ask…do any of the “dads” give grief or say “no” to that blessing??
I sort of get the sentiment…but I guess I see it more as a sentiment of “I’m so happily in love with your daughter/son I am thrilled to be taking the next step in marriage/our lives”. Like a heads up, but not a “can I?”
Instead, our invitation said “Jane Jones and John Smith, along with their parents, request the honor of your presence at their marriage on June 10, 1988 at XYZ venue, blah blah.”