NYU, GW, Boston U Essay-posted

<p>I was initially confident about this essay, but now I don't know. I may have to use it for scholarship applications, any thoughts or suggestions?
I tried to stay true to myself. I have a sarcastic, witty outlook on life. I'm not always overtly optimistic or sun shiny and I tried to just convey my personality. Poor move?</p>

<p>L’Etoile</p>

<pre><code>I’m perceived usually as shy yet opinionated, pervasively sarcastic, a caricature of the leading lady in a black comedy. I love watching facial expressions change as I try to explain the parallels I find between life and art. Suddenly, I am completely disarmed. I’m a gray cloud involuntarily transplanted to a valley of rainbows. “Oh, of course, everything is beautiful,” they scoff, and even I begrudgingly admit the saccharine. As assumptions cascade away, I dig myself in deeper and deeper. “No, but just think about it, think about longevity, think about form.” I’m relentless, “How original, how insightful, how idealistic.” I cringe. Woodland animals are frolicking, the flowers beginning to sing. But not quite.
From an early age, my life has been inseparably intertwined with art. My father is a photographer; my mother is a graphic designer. My daycare center was an artist’s studio. Plagued by painfully sensitive skin and an allergic reaction to the mere sight of the outdoors, I spent my summer vacations in art centers. The walls of our home are papered with the work of famous painters: Botticelli, Degas, Renoir. Some children had imaginary friends, but I had masterpieces. Despite my gangly and often awkward frame, I frequently donned a tutu and danced alongside Degas’ L’Etoile. Because of my childhood, I began to carry around a mental picture frame, an easel on which my life’s events were painted.
I carry this easel with me at all times. Every conversation, every interaction, even the slightest glance can become a masterpiece of a moment in time. At the times that my crippling shyness strikes, I watch the world around me from the safety of my private gallery. I watch a girl laughing on the sidewalk, the way the light lingers in the furrows of her wrinkled forehead and her hair blows back in waves. I watch two children running, their limbs heedlessly flailing. And then I sometimes watch myself, proceeding through the actions of daily life: that robotic stare of information-gathering in class, becoming the third guest debater on NPR during the ride to work, giggling like a child on the phone in the early hours of the next day. And painfully, I realize that though carried by constant momentum, I am unmoved.
The artist and the art critic are two vastly different species. The artist, vulnerable and introspective, bleeds creativity, using the paintbrush, the charcoal, the camera, as a means of the most intimate personal expression. The art critic, though appreciative, is self-possessed and judgmental, methodically categorizing, period, medium, composition, location. Despite notable and, perhaps, noble attempts, the art critic cannot become submerged in a masterpiece as the artist can.

I’ve realized that in order to fully appreciate the beauty my life, I must open my gallery to the public, perhaps, put up a few pieces of my own. Life is not for bystanders and it is not an equation for the solving. Sometimes life, like the most powerful paintings, can be unknowingly tarnished by analysis. Sometimes appreciation is entirely superficial or irrational, and medium, form, composition have only placed art in the pages of history books.
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<p>No opinions at all? Must have been abysmal.</p>

<p>I think the language is too flowery. I think the fact you are being overly descriptive with your writing, takes away from the point you want to get across. I couldn’t really stay focused while reading and the essay was more confusing that it was meaningful.</p>

<p>Flowery, ouch.
I don’t see how it’s confusing, save the opening paragraph, which you would only appreciate if you had that sense of humor.</p>

<p>You’re bombarding the reader with long elaborate sentences that doesn’t really say anything (or too much, confusing the reader). What are you trying to say? I really disliked the “flow” (or the lack of) in this piece. It’s just one long sentence after another, going on and on and on. You’re presenting like 5000000000 images and beat around the bush so much your message is completely lost.</p>

<p>The first paragraph is weak–flowery may be the wrong word–but it’s trying too hard. I liked the rest of it . “Sometimes life, like the most powerful paintings…” should be the closing sentence. Other lines throughout the piece should pack the punch that that one sentence has.</p>

<p>i really loved this. a lot. i think your message was conveyed 75-85 %</p>

<p>…was there a prompt?</p>

<p>I don’t remember word for word, but it was essentially convey your perspective on life or how you see the world as an individual. One of those cliche common app college essays.</p>

<p>“I’ve realized that in order to fully appreciate the beauty my life”
Just a little typo I thought I’d bring to your attention in case it was overlooked.
If that’s the prompt, I think you did a really good job of presenting a unique outlook on life. Your second to last sentence should be the last sentence, and your last sentence should somehow be incorporated into the body of the essay and supported more, because I think that’s a good point in answering the prompt.
Overall, I like the style presented, but the opening paragraph presents a string of ideas that are hard to grasp and consolidate into a single point. Maybe you want to cut a few of those sentences or try to focus on a single image and then state your thesis.</p>

<p>Check your grammar, and don’t write in prolix so much. You did a good job of bringing your personality across. On a side note, you should really consider applying to liberal arts colleges :).</p>

<p>Hahaha, I’m hoping that I caught that typo in the finalized version that I sent out. I agree about the opening paragraph. Initially it was several sentences longer, but they made it easier to understand that it was a hypothetical dialogue and how my answers would present me to the other speaker, no matter my intention. But my English teacher suggested making it shorter and more ambiguous as to whether it was actual speech or thoughts, so I went with that. My point was simply that I’m not a cheery, rainbow of flowers kind of personality, however if someone heard me say that “life reflects art” they would automatically have that cliche, saccharine perception of me. </p>

<p>Hahah and python38, I totally agree that I should minimize the tediously long sentences, but that’s me! I realize that it is grammatically a fault, but that’s how I think in my head, and as much as I know that I should, I can never let it go.</p>

<p>Well, overall I think it is excellent. Something could have been said more succinct; however, it is quite original and showcases your personality. Actually, this is probably one of more original essays on “how not to analyze life too deeply sometimes, and how we need to actually experience our life rather than just live it”. It’s pretty late so I do not know if that made sense, but I hope it did. Good job either way. I enjoyed it.</p>

<p>Hahah thank you, that made sense to me But then again, it’s pretty early and I can’t say too much about my judgement. I’m really painfully shy and quiet sometimes, and somehow I just wanted to express that I realize that, and I realize that I’m moving along with life, but I’m really just going through the motions, but I’m not in the moment. </p>

<p>…but somehow I got a little caught up!</p>