Please My First Draft of the Common App Personal Statement. Will read yours.

<p>This is my first draft of my Common App Personal Statement. First of all, I know its over 500 words, and that's why I need your insight. The essay reflects my journey towards being an artist. Give me your honest opinion. Tedious or Exhilarating? I could also use recommendations for the title. Thanks in advance.</p>

<pre><code> My eyes see the world in a unique way. My hands move in swift careful strokes attempting to imitate the structure of an object. My imagination can capture the very essence of the universe, but is bound only to reflect the magnitude of the cosmos. Colors burst from their three-dimensional manacles and manifest themselves in a maelstrom of hues. The minutiae of my subject experience enlightenment in an instance, but consequently drop into the ocean of Nirvana.

When I see a friend express happiness, I see what no one else can. The subtle crinkling of the eyes and lengthening of the lips fascinate me, whilst the structure of the face catches my attention. As I scan the eyes, I realize my friend is staring at me. I drop back into reality. In an attempt to re-establish my normality I stumble out the words “Well this is awkward.” Some people just don’t understand my need to examine every detail, while some know all too well. I am an artist.

Drawing a few lines, adding some graphite, and making a recognizable shape doesn’t make someone an artist. The field of desires and passions can’t be imprisoned and classified into a simple description. An “artsy” person might be stereotyped as a “hipster” or a “manga freak”. However, many more attributes rather than a simple classification define the artist. A constant dissatisfaction with one’s work and a yearning to capture the essence of humanity within the second dimension become aspects of the artist as he matures. For m, I find my art frustrating and a constant irritation for me, as I always view my art as substandard. My art will never achieve the status of Picasso, or illustrate the subtleties of a women’s face that “The Mona Lisa” so easily encompasses. However, beauty is completely subjective to the viewer. You can’t compare Lichtenstein with Rembrandt, or Monet with Dali. This knowledge gives me the freedom to explore various styles and genres of art.

For years, the evolution of my techniques and mediums has led to most of my drawings being thrown in the trash. I was never satisfied with my drawings of people I had drawn in the past. I never realized that all of my past artwork represented my journey as an artist. My sketches never meant much to me and would certainly never bring anyone else joy; thus I would crumple them together and throw them away. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to me, my family would lovingly fish them out of the trash and store them in their own private collections. My mother urged me to take classes and offered to pay for lessons, but I never viewed my art as “real”. My cartoons, fashion illustrations, and caricatures would never benefit from an oil painting class.

Recently, my parents urged me to sell my art. After showing a local sushi restaurant my portfolio, they commissioned two pieces from me for their establishment. I was excited and eager for the chance to make some money. Originally, I thought I would receive maybe thirty bucks or less, so I was shocked when they gave me two hundred dollars and a store credit of seventy five. This opportunity opened the flood gates for me as an artist. I was eager to show all my friends my artwork, which eventually backfired. Currently, I have a list of over twenty friends who want a drawing from me. I enjoy the attention my art is receiving as it’s a fundamental aspect of me as a person. In the past, I had to hide that element of my personality, but now it is obvious that I am an artist.
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<p>I made the same mistake too, but you shouldn’t post your essays on the interwebs like you did. It’s easy for people to copy the essay: [College</a> Essays - College Confidential](<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/]College”>College Essays - College Confidential Forums)</p>

<p>That said, I like the topic and your essay, but I didn’t like your first sentence. It was not interesting enough the grab my attention, and I don’t think it would grab any admission officer’s attention. Like my English teacher always tells us, start in the middle of the action. So in this case, I would begin the essay talking about analyzing someone’s face or something like that. Even if it sounds strange, that would catch my attention and make me want to read on more than “My eyes see the world in a unique way.”</p>

<p>Also, in the last paragraph you said that you had to hide the fact that you liked art. Why not bring that up in the essay and make that the major part of your essay? The fact that you had to hide your love of art is the conflict, and I would love to read more about that than the fact that your art doesn’t compare with Picasso, or that you never considered your artistic skills as being good.</p>

<p>Hope this helps!</p>

<p>I love it, honestly I knew people like you (artist see things so differently) and i have always wished i could. I can read things and feel that same way :)</p>

<p>I like the general idea of being able to see things differently as an artist… I feel that many parts of this essay can be made a lot more concise and ‘punchy’. [and they can be made much more detailed and personalized]<br>
Instead of saying that you can “see what no one else can” which probably an exaggeration, why not cut to the point? You can show people a new way of looking at the face and body. If you have an example of a piece you’ve done once… lets say a caricature where you exaggerated features to push the idea of a certain emotion… bring that up. Or, if a friend/family member/miscellaneous human being has seen your art and said “I’ve never thought of it that way!” or “I’ve never looked at it that way before…” bring that up! I feel that such a response is more grabbing in combination with the description of the warping of the human face as we make expressions. </p>

<p>I loved the example of the sushi-store commission and I would expand on that more. Many many artsy students could write about looking at people, places, objects differently and many artsy students can rattle off lists of artists…
It’s more unique that you’ve been commissioned before. </p>

<p>Learn how to say no to friends who ask for free art/portraits. D: Presenting price ranges to them for art scares most requests away. My friends just steal my sketches if they want stuff now… eergh. After selling your art, you should know that your art has monetary value. Plus, you should have time to work on your own personal art. [are you submitting art to the Scholastic Art & Writing contest? You should ! … + I’m intrigued and want to see your portfolio … if you have one]</p>

<p>My art nerdery is acting up so here’s me being nitpicky about the artists mentioned:
If you’re really into art history as, try to use different examples for the famous paintings/artists you reference.</p>

<p>Instead of Picasso or the Mona Lisa, which I believe anyone could reference. [Picasso’s work isn’t really my cup of tea… and I feel like the Mona Lisa is overrated…]…ANYWAY… name some other artists if you’re into that sort of thing. If anyone who’s really artistically inclined looks at the “subtleties of a women’s face” part of your comparison to the Mona Lisa, they could point out that the Mona Lisa’s face is famous and mysterious for both its smile and it’s androgynous features. [a bit like Pre-Raphaelite portraits of women with rather masculine, sharp jawlines]</p>

<p>Thanks guys for the insight. I know exactly how to rectify the "chessiness
of my essay. Thanks again. =)</p>