<p>My D got her roomate info last week, the 2 girls are both "phone shy" so are messaging on Facebook (from their profiles looks they may have been separated at birth, very strange). Anyway, back on topic...</p>
<p>Tell me if either of the following are taboo things to do:</p>
<p>A)I would like to ask my D to get an email address for her roomate's mother so that I can touch base with her. Like my D I am not super interested in chatting on the phone but would like to send a friendly email or 2. (I should mention D has to move into the dorm a day earlier than her roomate due to ensemble auditions so there is a good chance I will not meet the roomate or her mother face to face that weekend)</p>
<p>B) I was thinking of making small gift bags for my D and her roomate with some small items like popcorn, coupons for local restaurants, small GC to Starbucks etc. Nothing overly expensive or wasteful just something to break the ice. My youngest D14 thinks this is a great idea but that oldest D will say NO to it bc she doesn't want to look immature (sigh). But if I don't ask oldest D...</p>
<p>I would appreciate any thoughts anyone has on this subject. TIA</p>
<p>I'd say Yes to the goodies (minus the giftcards, which feel too much like handing the roommate some cash, and not wrapped up like a goodie bag at a kid's birthday party), No to contacting the roommate's mother.</p>
<p>I would add that rather than give the "goodie bag" right away, I would send it as a care package a week or two into the first semester. Things will be pretty frantic at the beginning, and stuff might get mislaid. But all students love care packages, and it will be MUCH more appreciated a couple of weeks after they begin. I would also agree that you don't really need to contact the mom. It's not about you! Sorry.... :)</p>
<p>Agree with lunitari -- especially about emailing roommate's mother. That would seem a little odd to me if I was on receiving end of the email. I like the goody bag idea -- sort of a first "care package."</p>
<p>I'll fourth the suggestion not to contact the roommate's mother. My older ds have had various roommates, some of whose parents we've met during move-in, and some of whom we've missed. We've never had occasion to contact them during the academic year (though we have chatted with them at graduation :) ). I just think emailing the mom might communicate a reluctance to cede full responsibility for the roommate relationship to the students themselves, whether or not that's the intention.</p>
<p>Since your d must move in earlier, has she worked something out with the roommate about room layout, who gets what bed/dresser, etc? I think it gets a roommate relationship off on a good footing for the person who arrives second not to feel as if the first arrival has taken the "best" bed or whatever. Not saying your d would do this, of course - but people seem sensitive to those things when they're setting up dorm rooms.</p>
<p>I think the idea of a care package/basket for the room, with communal goodies, is a nice one!</p>
<p>I agree to not emailing the mother. My oldest DD who just graduated had five roommates over three years and I only met two of the parents. One was at move-in and one was at move-out. </p>
<p>Sending the care package a week or two into the semester is a great idea.<br>
by then, they will have figured out where to put all their stuff, moved it around, etc. That "excitment" is over, classes have begun, etc.</p>
<p>Don't contact the roommates mother, that's a bit strange. If you run into them at the school then by all means have a chat, but otherwise you need to cut the cord and let your daughter run things... she's an adult now. She should inform the other party about any details with the move-in.</p>
<p>I would also like to suggest not to contact your d's roommate later on where your D's whereabouts either. It puts the roommate in an awkward position, and it may ruin their relationship.</p>
<p>My son had a "send off picnic" for freshmen (and their parents/family) attending the school in our state. I met a parent at the picnic who told me that she contacted her son's roommate! She told me this in front of my son and her son. I was surprised at how open she was about doing that. My son told me how outraged he felt that a parent would do that, so that I would not get any ideas about doing the same thing. Anyway, both parents chatted for about an hour according to this mother about "motherly things". BTW, this was the second child that she sent to college, so she was not a novice at sending a child to college. I guess doing this is not on heard of, but I would not contact the roommate's parents.</p>
<p>I guess it's unanimous about not contacting the roommate's mother; I don't go for that idea either.</p>
<p>I <em>do</em> like the idea of the goodie bag. I get the idea that a care pkg might be even more welcome. But I'd do both. It's a nice welcome to the roommate, imo. Maybe make it one combined basked for the both of them - even things they could share with other floor mates. Then send the individual-type things (coupons etc) in your later care package.</p>
<p>Agree with everyone above. Let D know that these goodie bags are common for guests at destination weddings, if that seems more mature. :)</p>
<p>Can your D find out roomie's favorite candy, restaurants, etc. Maybe something from the school bookstore? When my sons were away at camp I always asked the roommate what they liked and made sure to include something for them.</p>
<p>Agree about making sure not to take over before roommate arrives. Maybe she could take a pic and put it on roomie's Facebook the day before the roomie gets there?</p>
<p>Although I'm the type of mom who would welcome the email and the gift, I agree with all posters above. Each of my three kids had freshman roommates with moms who were not receptive to any advances by me. And I mean just talking on move in day. All three were very stand-offish. I'm really flexible and easy going, but maybe it was me! I couldn't even get any conversations going. The first one was actually rude and couldn't get out of the room fast enough. The second had something going on and actually committed suicide later freshman year. The third, the mother of a girl, had a very limited relationship with her daughter, and certainly wasn't interested in talking to me! But the roommates were fine. So I'd let your daughter take the lead and get a relationship started, then by all means a gift would be very sweet!</p>
<p>I agree with everyone about not contacting the roommate's mother. </p>
<p>I also think it would be inappropriate to send or give the roommate a gift bag. It seems too intrusive to me in a relationship that is your D's job to maintain and encourage. I know that I would have felt intruded upon if my mom had given or sent a gift bag to my college roommate right when I met that person. It feels to much like what a parent might do to support a younger child who was attending their first summer camp. </p>
<p>What would be a nice gesture would be at move-in giving your D a bag or basket of goodies that she could share with her roommate and others in her dorm. That allows your D to be the person with the largess. It also would be a nice way of unobtrusively helping her meet people as friendly students sharing goodies get to meet lots of people. Amazing how quickly word spreads on a dorm hall.</p>
<p>Funny, ok, we all react differently, but personally I would have said yes (to contact the parents) and no (to the gift bag). </p>
<p>Thinking through how I would react next year when my D is in the same position, I would love to get an e-mail from her roommate's parents. And I'd feel uncomfortable about the gift bag, putting us in a position where we feel like we should reciprocate. </p>
<p>Maybe you could compromise by just offering up your e-mail address "in case roomie's parents would like to contact you."</p>
<p>Wow!!! So much excellent advice!! I am so happy to have this forum to work out my OCD Mom junk on. Like the idea of just sending the care package to share later on. Thinking about it we have enough to deal with leading up to that day anyway.</p>
<p>To who asked, D and her roomate are now in the process of working out everything like who is bringing what and beds and stuff. I told D to make sure she lets the roomate know that she is coming earlier and work the beds out accordingly.</p>
<p>Yes to the goodies (a couple weeks into the Semester), no to contacting the Mom. As much as I'd like to say "Yes!" to both, I can't imagine an email approach that couldn't be interpreted as stalking. </p>
<p>"Yes Mrs. XXX, I know where your daughter lives and just want you to know that I'll be looking out for her at every opportunity." Eww.</p>
<p>I think you should make sure you have some way of contacting the roommate's mother (family). Not that you should do it, but you should be able to.</p>
<p>We were careful to respect boundaries, but ZG's third week of school, their entire orientation group became seriously ill with food poisoning. I didn't find this out till I read it in the newspaper later, but it was so bad that there were ambulances lined up outside the dorm. It happened to be a Sunday and very early in the year, so things were a little slow on campus and it was difficult to get in touch with roommate's mom. I'm all for exchanging cell phone number and home numbers and using them judiciously. Because sometimes things really do happen. As evidenced by my daughter's situation.</p>
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I also think it would be inappropriate to send or give the roommate a gift bag. It seems too intrusive to me in a relationship that is your D's job to maintain and encourage
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<p>My daughter's roommate's mom sent them both care packages through the year (little stuff) and birthday gifts, as did I. No one felt odd about it, although I must say that the mom and I hit it off as well as our daughters -- like long-lost sisters, so it may have just been that personal "click" that made it possible.</p>
<p>It wouldn't have bothered me in the least if my son's roommate's mother had contacted me to touch base and to exchange numbers. We did exchange phone numbers through the boys prior to the start of school, and the mom called me a couple weeks after school started to offer me their tickets for a football game they couldn't attend (parents had season tickets, but we had already bought single game tickets), and we had a lovely chat. She also had a nice microwave cup full of candy for my son on move-in day, and I think something else, but I can't remember now. I didn't have a gift for the roommate, but I had packed microwave popcorn, candy, and homemade cookies for my son to share. If it wouldn't embarrass your daughter, I don't see any problem with you initiating a small contact with the other parents. I tend to be more on the outgoing side, and I would have considered it a nice gesture.</p>