<p>I also made contact by e-mail with my son's roomie's Mom. I did, of course, ask my son's permission. He wasn't even going to contact his roomie pre-move-in, but I encouraged him to do it and I think he was glad to have made contact by e-mail. So I asked him if he'd feel comfortable sending roomie my e-mail address so roomie's Mom could contact me if she wanted to. Did she ever want to! We had a nice e-mail correspondence and met at move-in day. Turns out they live a few blocks away from one of my brothers. </p>
<p>Son and roomie got along fine, but chose other roommates for next year. I have none of the same interest in contacting this new guy's family because my son has known him for a year and they chose each other.</p>
<p>Re: the gift bag, I'd opt for the care package to share.</p>
<p>"My daughter's roommate's mom sent them both care packages through the year (little stuff) and birthday gifts, as did I. No one felt odd about it, although I must say that the mom and I hit it off as well as our daughters -- like long-lost sisters, so it may have just been that personal "click" that made it possible."</p>
<p>I think your situation is different since the gifts were sent after a cordial meeting in which everyone clicked. For a mom to come bearing a gift for the roommate could be overbearing in that it's the D's responsibility to establish the friendship.</p>
<p>I do like the idea of a care package for the roommates to share, and may borrow that idea to use with S, a soph, who'll be rooming with 3 friends in a campus apartment.</p>
<p>I'm not sure whether this comment has been made explicitly before (if so, sorry), but I think that the advisability of contacting the roommate's mother by email depends heavily on the college that your daughter and her roommate will be attending.</p>
<p>Small, friendly LAC that encourages parents to take an interest in the college: Yes, I think it would be fine.
Stanford: No.
Ivies in general: I don't think so--maybe one of them.
Large public university: You might consider it if your daughter is out-of-state and her roommate is in-state (that wouldn't be <em>too</em> weird); otherwise, no.
Caltech or MIT: Here's a slightly tricky one. I'd say yes to email contact between mothers of female students in a tech environment.</p>
<p>If you're taking your daughter (and her stuff) to college for move-in days, and you think you'll meet the roommate's parents then, you could just wait, and play it by ear when you've met.</p>
<p>Re the care package: Great idea, probably most welcome if it arrives 10 days to 2 weeks after the start of class. Unlike some of the posters, I don't see any problem with Starbuck's gift cards--it's practically the modern equivalent of chocolate-chip cookies.</p>
<p>Did not contact roomie's parents prior to move-in, but did exchange numbers when I met them as we were unpacking, etc. Fortunately, i didn't need the emergency numbers, but it was good to know I could make contact if necessary. Also gave roommate our number, should an emergency arise...Always encouraged son to share care pkg with roomie; often put both names on mailing label! </p>
<p>Every situation is different, but I'd encourage you to take a back seat as these young people are walking on untrod territory. Let them work things out--this generation is amazing!</p>
<p>It can be helpful to have the cell phone number of your kid's closest friend on campus. Of course I only realized this AFTER my daughter decided to leave campus with a boyfriend for a weekend (a guy she had recently mentioned to me as being unhappy with her). She didn't answer her phone for about 48 hours and we didn't have anyone we could call to ask her whereabouts. </p>
<p>A couple years later, when my son was a freshman, I made sure to get his roommate's cell phone number. Thankfully, I never needed to use it.</p>
<p>The kids often need a reminder that heedless behavior can cause unnecessary worry!</p>
<p>I don't think you should be in touch with the roommate's mother--somehow it seems just over the line in termes of independence. Perhaps you will meet her at parents' weekend.</p>
<p>i really like the idea of making small gift bags for your D and her roommate--very thoughtful and a nice ice-breaker. It isn't immature or intrusive--much less so than getting in touch with roommate's mother in my opinion (as someone who has been through two move-ins and met a lot of roommates and housemates--and their parents--over the years).</p>
<p>I wouldn't do anything with out your D's perimission first of all. It is her space your need to respect.</p>
<p>I sent mutual gifts occasionally, usually food, nothing pricey. The whole suite would indulge:)</p>
<p>At orientation I offered my email and/or phone to her roommates mom as we are 1 hour from school and they were clear across the country. We never had a need to contact each other, but she was grateful to know there was someone nearby if need be.</p>
<p>If I had gotten an email from my kid's freshman year roommate, I would have been fine with it. I suppose it depends on what it said. If it was just an introduction (hi, my name is, here's my contact info) that's OK. If it gave information I didn't need to know about the roommate, like living habits or health info, then that might be creepy. </p>
<p>On a slightly different note: At parents weekend last year, I was amazed and impressed and touched at the number of kids who were introducing their parents to their friends and their friends' parents. Several roommates' families had dinner together. The kids really seemed to want to meet their friends' parents and wanted parents to meet other parents. We've met the parents of the girl our daughter is rooming with this coming year, and we're looking forward to the possibility of spending time with them, like all going out for a meal.</p>
<p>About the possible contact with roomie's mother: several moms here have said that it wouldn't have bothered them; they'd welcome it. But I don't think that's really the question. Rather, it's the fact that the roomie or other dormmates who might hear of it might think the student's mom is being stalker-ish, or the student is too dependent. And, they might not (Bethie's S didn't think it would be aproblem.) I do think that girls might give it more thought,and pause, than boys, and overall, on the off chance that it sends flack toward your D, I reiterate the general sense of the board--not a good idea.</p>
<p>I also don't agree you should be able tohave a cell phone number to contact a roomie when child goes missing--if your kid cuts contact for 48 hours, that's an issue between you and him/her, not the roomie. You can either accept that your child is an adult and may not want to be always available/accountable, or set up in-house standards that you insist on as part of the college-paying-for deal (whatever works best for your family), but I have trouble imagining the phone call where you call Susie's roommate so she can tell you that Susie's off with a guy, but didn't want to tell you. Kinda big eww factor.</p>
<p>If I did not run into parents at move in, and if the roommates click well, I would probably email a brief just saying hi type note a few weeks in giving contact info and expressing something positive that things seem to be going well, etc. That strikes me as a friendly thing to do, but I'd feel out things through my kid first. </p>
<p>I would definitely welcome an email from a roommate's parent and not find it creepy as long as it wasn't overbearing or trying to interfere in the roommate relationship. </p>
<p>I doubt I'd prepare a gift bag for the roommate. That seems like the mom is trying to establish a relationship with the roommate. I'd send a big care package to my daughter with hope she would share it generously.</p>
<p>The different points of view are interesting. Do what seems right once the context is better known.</p>
<p>I like what you decided to go with, momof3stars. I think the care package idea after a couple of weeks is ok, but I don't think I'd overdo it during the year, although it depends on the living situation.</p>
<p>My daughter had several suite mates in college, and I think I was the only one who sent care packages to the suite. I'd suggest three or four a year, tops. You don't want to give the impression that your daughter is too "cared for." As odd as it seems to us parents, the ones who appear pampered-girls especially- are going to have a harder time socially. We met the parents at move-in day, but didn't exchange info or make contact at all during the years, even thought the girls roomed together in some combination all four years. This was at a mid-sized university.</p>
<p>With my younger son still in college, I don't send care packages, but sometimes pack up brownies or popcorn for him to take back to the dorm after he's been home for a break or long weekend. (He drives back to school himself.) He'll share the stuff on poker nights or whatever. In some ways, maybe because boys feel more independent from their moms already, the idea of a doting mom doesn't seem to hamper their social status as much, but that just may be my personal experience talking.</p>
<p>My son's first roommate called our house before freshman year at his small LAC to talk to my son, who happened to be away that week. The roommate interrogated me :) about my son, asking about everything from religion to music tastes. So I knew his roommate was definitely not shy! They became very close, and still are.
His mom and my H exchanged business cards at move-in day, we've had dinner at their home, taken them out on parent''s weekend, and she even called my H once to ask investment advice. So you never know. I think just relaxing and letting things unfold naturally is the best way to go.</p>
<p>I have the cell numbers of my d's roomates; she is a junior now and I have never needed to use them.</p>
<p>However, my s just changed roommates this summer and I forgot to get any numbers. Anyway, s called with severe stomach pain - later he was unreachable. I figured that he was asleep, but also started worrying about things like a ruptured appendix. S is the type to avoid medical care if at all possible and it was a Sunday afternoon which made medical care more of a stretch anyway. I did end up going a circuitous route through a mom I know from hs and got her son's cell number. (She asked for my son's at the same time. :)) I just wanted someone to be able to check on him if he remained out of touch. It's nice to have the numbers in case of emergency. My kids also know that the numbers won't be used for frivolous reasons.</p>
<p>We also had an unexpected death in the family the year my d was a freshman, and while I was able to make contact with my d fairly quickly, I would have let roommates know I needed her to call ASAP had I not been able to get her. Again it is nice to have emergency numbers; hopefully the numbers never need to be used.</p>
<p>BTW I am probably the antithesis of a "helicopter" mom so if I asked for multiple cell numbers, well ....</p>
<p>Last year, I met my son's roommate's parents at move-in. They boys had communicated by email and facebook before school started and worked out who was bringing what. We all went out to dinner together and got to know one another. The parents exchanged email addresses, but we never used them and never had the need to get in touch again.</p>
<p>This year S plans to share an off-campus apartment with a different friend. Apparently the apartment deal was not truly finalized and they will both arrive back at school without a place to live (and both from across the country!). The roommate's mom is flying out to assist with the apartment search and set-up, but having just started a new job, the same would be impossible for me. I'm thinking of contacting the mom; not sure why...I guess so that she doesn't think that we are abandoning son in his search for housing (even though that's exactly what we are doing, because he should have had this worked out last May). Maybe to lend moral support? Maybe I should stay hands-off? My one concern is that since they are both 19, they'll need a co-signor for the lease (although son insists not) and I feel badly that it would all end up the responsibility of the other mom.</p>
<p>archiemom- I think if I were in your shoes I would contact the other mom and
let her know you appreciate the help she's giving the boys, and let her know you are available if they need a co-signer (assuming you are-we did this by mail for D this year) and give her your contact number in case she'd like to reach you for any reason. Your last sentence makes sense.</p>
<p>Just thought of something worth mentioning: bonding with the roomies' parents can lead to an awkward situation. </p>
<p>My son's roommate got involved with a girl whom the parents - yes, parents met her - really do not want him involved with. To make a long story short, at this point in time, the parents have no idea that the boy and girl are still involved; they visit and she is incognito. However, she lives with him otherwise. My son changed roommates at the end of the semester because he did not want to live with the roommate AND his girlfriend. I have no idea what the parents think about my son changing roommates - parents really liked my s - but without doubt they have no idea re the real reason. Everyone who knows the boy thinks the relationship is a mistake, but no one is going to inform the parents that it is hot and heavy either.</p>
<p>Really glad that I have no contact with the parents as I don't want to be put in the position of lying or telling the truth. (Although I would probably hope to be told myself; I think ... maybe ... gee ...)</p>
<p>I wouldn't ask a roomie for a cell phone number. Emergency contacts should be through RA, IMO. Last year, my son and roomie designated a "snack box" and put into it what they got from either set of parents to share. Of course they shared with other kids too. I found 2 care packages per semester worked well. More would have seemed excessive I think, especially freshman year when most of them are paying for full meal plans.</p>
<p>The way I contacted roomie's Mom gave my son, his roomie and the other Mom the option of the contact happening or not. I don't see how that could be seen as stalking.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Emergency contacts should be through RA, IMO.
[/quote]
When my daughter got sick, that didn't work out because (a) it was Sunday, (b) it was so early in the year that everything hadn't fallen into place, and (c) the RA was in the group of people sick. There were so many people sick that all heck broke loose and none of the processes in place were able to work. The roommate actually developed kidney failure and it was urgent that her parents be contacted, but it took a while for that to happen. Had my D had her mom's contact number it could have been done earlier. Thankfully all worked out well, but I'm a big fan now of being able to contact a relative in an honest-to-goodness emergency. But only in a real emergency.</p>