Older Student Needs Advice

Parents Corner
1

<p>This is going to be really long, and it’s my first post, but I really need someone’s help.</p>

<p>I was a serious ballet student through elementary (well as serious as an elementary school student can be) middle, high school and college. Toward the end of high school I was pretty much done with it, but didn’t know what else to do. I chose my first college pretty haphazardly, went as a ballet major, and hated it. So I transferred, and then I transferred again, and then I transferred again… Long story short I was a dance major at 4 schools (none of which I particularly enjoyed). I got a BA in Interdisciplinary Studies from the 5th school.
At the 5th school, I still had no idea what I wanted to do, so I applied to law school, somehow got in (in hindsight it seems crazy that a law school would accept someone that had majored in ballet). Last year was my first year, and I did ok, but not great (well probably great for a ballet major, but employers don’t care about that).
The problem is that I still have no idea what to do. I’m incredibly unhappy, but I don’t know how to fix it. My response has always been to be insanely busy. This semester I’m taking 16 credits, I’m on a journal, and I’m working at a law firm. I literally have no free time, which would be fine if I knew what I was doing. I’m so incredibly behind with my school work because I just can’t seem to pull it together. I keep getting close, making a study schedule, stuff like that, but then something else happens.</p>

<p>So why am I so unhappy? I don’t know. I moved home to go to law school, because my mother and I have always been close. My father died when I was young, so it was always here and I. She has now remarried, and the new husband and I do not get along, at all. She thinks that I’m trying to get her to choose between him and I, but really, I just want to agree to disagree. The nature of my schedule is that I am literally never home, so it should be fine. Today I came home from work a little early (got home at around 6ish), because I have a big paper due, and he snapped at me about helping him with the dogs. I helped, and then retreated to my room to get to work.
My mother came home, and I’m in my room, stressed out now because of the tension in the house, and the paper that needs to be finished. She gets mad because “you’re always so tense” and she proceeds to shout at me for an hour, literally shouting. Then she decides to sit the husband and I down and force us to reconcile. At this point I’m visibly upset, and he still wants nothing to do with it.
These screaming lectures have been happening more and more frequently, initially, they were once a year, but for the past 3 or 4 months, they’ve been at least once a week. It’s gotten to the point that I really avoid coming home. I’ve been staying at friends places until 3 and 4 in the morning, and just coming home to shower. Unfortunately that is not conducive to sleeping, or getting homework done.<br>
Now I have 4 weeks left in the semester, I’m desperately behind with my school work, and I just can’t pull it together. I don’t know what to do. It’s too late to withdraw from any classes, so I’m left with 4 weeks to figure out how to pass 4 exams.
I feel like I could deal with the drama at home, or deal with the school stress, but the two of them together is just too much. I’m not sure what my question is, but any advice would be a great help. I've been reading these threads (probably part of the school problem), and am truly moved by the pride you have in your kids. I wish I had someone that felt the same way about me, your children are truly lucky.
Thanks so much.</p>

2

<p>Oh, LawStudent, you are in a tough spot. I hear your pain.</p>

<p>Nothing sounds really right with you, right now - not the law school plan, not the living situation, and strain at the moment with your mom. Deep breath.</p>

<p>You say you don't know why you are so unhappy, but it seems like you've outlined the whys. You're not studying what you want and you may not know what you'd rather be doing instead. And you are not in a good living situation.</p>

<p>I, for one, could be full of advice ;). But I don't know if it would be the right advice. The first thing that occurs to me is that you need to take a breather. Is that at all possible?</p>

<p>If you have concluded that the law is definitely not for you, is it a viable option to leave law school and get a job for a while, give yourself time to decide what you would like to do? Is there any aspect of the law you think really might be right?</p>

<p>It certainly occurs to me right off the bat that it's time for you to be living away from home. I'm not sure how much of your problem that would address, but it would solve some of it and probably allow you to more readily restore the strong relationship with your mother. If I were you, I'd put a priority on finding other living arrangements, with a roommate or whatever it takes.</p>

<p>Your mother and you have always been close, so I'm guessing that she is in fact proud of you. But this is not the best time for you to be living in the same home and it is chipping away a bit at your relationship. I think it will come back.</p>

3

<p>I definately agree that moving out needs to be a high priority, the problem is money. I am financially dependent on my mother. I paid for school with loans, and my day to day expenses from the little bit of money that I'm making, but she bought my car (it's in her name), I'm still on her health insurance, and she pays for my car insurance. I can't keep my schedule without a car, and would be terrified of the idea of going without health insurance. She keeps telling me that if I move out, she'll cut all of that financial support off. Frankly, I believe her. So I can't afford to pay all of that, plus rent, while going to school.
I think that I really do like law, I just rushed into it. I wonder if I should look into the logistics of taking a leave of absense and just findind a job for awhile. Of course, I wouldn't know what kind of job to be looking for ...</p>

4

<p>Since you're already working at a law firm, would it be possible for you to get a full-time job as a paralegal? A job would (hopefully) give you health insurance. And how necessary is a car - is there any public transportation near you?</p>

5

<p>I haven't looked into paralegal positions, that's a great idea if I do decide to take a break from school. Law clerk positions are part-time, so no health insurance (i'm sure there are exceptions to this, but I haven't found them). The firm I am at is tiny, 2 attorneys and a couple of clerks, there is no hope of a full time job here, as much as I would like to do that.<br>
Part of me wants to get an unrelated job, just to have some distance to think about things, but then I'd have to explain that away in interviews if/when I do go back to school.<br>
I know there are people that pay their own way through school, I just cannot fathom how they do it.</p>

6

<p>You'll get a lot of good advice here, but for now, just don't get desperate. Take a lot of deep breaths and realize you are young and a million different great things can be ahead of you. I know the money thing seems huge and deciding about career seems huge and the home situation sounds rough. I'm sure your Mom and friends do care about you (maybe even step-dad, though he may have a weird way of showing it). Hang in there and keep in touch (though don't spend your whole life on CC). There's a way out of this that will lead to a better place. It's kind of one step leading to another leading to another. You don't have to have it all figured out now. In fact, most of us never figure it all out. Real friends will be the ones who hang out with you while you feel your way through it.</p>

7

<p>I would take a leave of absence from law school until I was able to save up some funds. I like the paralegal idea. I know you're not sure about the law, but too many changes at one time won't work. Get a full-time, well-paying paralegal job. With the money from the job you should be able to pay for the rent in some sort of shared apartment, as well as make car payments on your own car. Disentangle yourself from mom. Too much of a control issue there. Take incompletes in your courses for this semester if you must and finish them off while you're working. Work for a year or two and then make some decisions.</p>

8

<p>You can get a full time job and go to law school at night, too. The degree normally takes four years instead of three, but it would allow you the money to move out and hopefully provide you with insurance, as well. My mother went to law school at night, and it worked out great for her.</p>

9

<p>
[quote]
I know there are people that pay their own way through school, I just cannot fathom how they do it.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>yours truly... it is very tough, but I'm encouraged by the lessons I'm learning and the responsibilities I have developed abilities to cope with. In all actuality, I wouldn't have it any other way. Working my own way through school has given me a sense of self-esteem and my degree program is exactly what I want it to be, and I know this because I chose it, pursued it, and am paying the price for it. No offense, whatsoever, but I, quite frankly, can't fathom having my parents control my life... I am a free spirit, with my own desires that come from within.. I think that's the key to happiness (at least for me), to find what you really like and pursue it full force, knowing that there will be setbacks and questionable periods but you have the reasons, and they are centered within yourself.</p>

<p>To tell you the truth, I would literally explode under your circumstances... your situation reminds me of a very famous 311 song, and I think their advice applies here: "You've got to trust your instincts, and let go of regret, you've got to bet on yourself, now start, 'cuz that's your best bet!!!"</p>

<p>You are in a tough position, and I know it may seem like you are caught between a rock and a hard place. The only advice I can give is to take it one step at a time, and keep that hope inside that your situation is not permanent, you have options, but they may not be immediate! Nevertheless, identify your priorities, and seek ways to alleviate the problems/obstacles that are keeping you from where you want to be. You have to hold a vision of who you want to be in 1 year/5 years/10 years/20 years down the road and then put the peices together one at a time. And always remember, nobody has control over you unless you allow them to.</p>

10

<p>Kiddo, you need professional help. I'd recommend a cognitive therapist at least twice a week for a year. </p>

<p>You seem to be sabatoging your education, your health, your key relationships and your independence (ie maturity)-- without realizing it. If you don't get professional help, the chaos you have created is likely to topple over into a crisis of one sort or another.</p>

<p>Good luck. Cyber hugs to you...</p>

11

<p>I feel great empathy with the OP. I also feel great respect for the tough love message in cheers' post above. </p>

<p>LawStudentNY, I think that following cheers' advice could be a wonderful gift to yourself.</p>

12

<p>The only thing is that therapy (particularly if you don't have health insurance) costs money. I'd recommend getting a job first, moving out, and <em>then</em> getting therapy if you feel you need it.</p>

13

<p>^^ A certain amount might be available through her school, so long as she is there? And I believe she does have the health insurance, as that is one of the reasons she is still living with mom.</p>

14

<p>Law Student-
It seems to me the most important thing to focus on first is passing this semester's classes. This is going to sound very simplistic, but for the next four weeks, I suggest you sleep at home, and live in the library. Don't go home to study unless its your only option. If the pc is keeping you at home, see if you can use something at the library or borrow a laptop. Try Starbucks and Borders, etc. Explain the situation to your mom and her husband, and try to get their support. It seems like they won't want the school money wasted. Can you cut back on any work hours for the next 4 weeks? Calculate how much time you need, and try to give it to yourself in a calm environment and get it done. An olive branch like you proactively doing a chore for them without them asking and before its overdue would also help to ease tension. </p>

<p>After you get through the next month, take more action. Counseling- do it if you can, if not with your mom, then for yourself. Something made you want law school, so its time to reevaluate if those reasons are still true BEFORE you go down another path.</p>

<p>A better long-term solution would be to meet and develop a written "living at home" contract with expectations for all clearly defined and agreed to by all 3 of you. Reducing the day to day friction will help a great deal in lowering stress. Perhaps a counselor at school could help with this.</p>

15

<p>I agree with Cheers that I'm really just screwing myself, and that therapy is probably needed, but at this point, I think the priority needs to be getting through the rest of this semester and salvaging the gpa. There is no counseling at school, and between classes and work pretty much every business hour is scheduled, so I don't really think that therapy is an option until Dec., when I do plan to at least try it out.
My mother is 100% opposed to counseling, so going with her is not an option. Even if I could convince her it seems like something that would not be helpful if you were not open to giving it a shot. Going together just seems like more trouble than it is worth.
My plan is to just spend as little time at home as possible. Go there to sleep and shower, and basically live at school. It's only another month, and then use the month that is christmas break to figure out the rest.
Thanks for the advice... all of it.</p>

16

<p>Take a leave from your job NOW and devote all of your time to your studies until the end of the semester...........then re-evaluate. Good luck.</p>