One and a half weeks in and......

Parents Forum
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<p>There's a wealth of good advice here, especially the post from curiouser (#17). </p>

<p>This is not only a learning experience for our students (learning about themselves and life in general), it's also a learning experience for us parents - how to gracefully segue from a managing parent role into a mentoring parent role. Internally, we can worry and fret, but externally, we must be encouragers, sounding boards, and anchors of stability in what has become a changed world for our kids.</p>

<p>When my daughter went through college, she began to realize:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Friendships take time - don't expect deep bosom buddies the first few months of school.</p></li>
<li><p>Making choices means that you can't have everything - there are trade-offs in activities, academic performance, self-care, and opportunities. It takes much wisdom both to to keep things in balance and to learn how to say "no" or "I've devoted sufficient time to this thing; now it's time to focus my attention elsewhere."</p></li>
<li><p>College is a bigger pond than high school - be content with achieving to the best of your ability and realize that you're not in a race with others.</p></li>
<li><p>Your family is a great support and will help you in appropriate ways - not to fight your battles or make decisions for you, but to encourage you and give advice (born out of experience) when asked.</p></li>
</ol>

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<p>How well I remember those phone calls during my eldest's freshman year. After several late night, very stressfull calls in which I encouraged her to go see her advisor - which she didn't do - I made her email the advisor while I was on the phone with her (at 1:00AM). Her advisor was in touch with her by 6:00AM that morning and DD was on her way to figuring out how to get help for herself when she needed it. I also learned that whe DD called & dumped, I would stress about it all the next day only to discover that she had been fine and couldn't understand why I was so worried. :-) I guess the dumping was enough of a stress reliever to keep her going.</p>

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<p>It's only been 1.5 weeks--tell her to take a deep breath, she's still adjusting to the new place, new schedule, new roommates, different food, etc. She has to be patient with herself, give herself a few more weeks. Pre-meds are always concerned about grades, but first semester grades tend to be lower for all freshman because of the huge adjustment they are making. Like BG said, she may be just venting/dumping on you for stress relief and will be fine. The schedule sounds heavy, yes, but not terrible. Another deep breath. . .</p>

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<p>Wow! I can't thank everyone enough for taking the time to respond to my post. Everyone of you had a piece of advice I intend to give to her. Thank-you all, really. It sounds like each of you has a D or S just like me. As an update, I did not hear from her this morning after PT. This is the first time ever. I'm a little concerned as Thursdays are the toughest of the week and yes,the thought that she didn't wake up in time for PT, or that she might be sick and lying in a hospital bed somewhere, or possibly speaking to some psycology counselor have all creapt into my mind. However, I'm going to be positive and believe that no news is good news. On another note, last week her AROTC mentor advised her she could take one of her classes as a pass/no pass. She was thinking of doing this for Chem; however, I told her she should check first with her academic advisor first because I'm not sure if it would look good for one of her "pre-med" classes to be pass/no pass. Perhaps I'll have her check again. Thank-you again for all your posts, and I'll update everyone as things hopefully change for the better.....:)</p>

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<p>momoney...My S (a soph. this year) is in NROTC and it does add more than a little stress to the regular college schedule. People not familiar with the ROTC format don't realize that you are required to take an extra ROTC class every semester in addition to your "normal" courseload. So ROTC students will always have 16-18 hours per semester. There's nothing you can really do about that. If you start dropping classes every semester you'll never get through on time. I do know that many in S's unit attend summer school to help lighten the load during the regular year. Does she have any AP's from h.s. that she could use for credit? That has really helped my S a lot.</p>

<p>Encourage your D to talk with the older members of her battalion and those in her own class for some ideas amd perspectives on how to cope. Those lab classes won't go away. S has 3 this semester not counting his Navy ROTC lab. Keep encouraging her and remind her that she doesn't have to be perfect to be successful. Part of being a good military officer is knowing how to prioritize. She will figure out the shortcuts to getting it all done pretty soon.</p>

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<p>PacKMom: You are absolutely correct. I forgot that she does have 3 labs (including the military science one). I just got off the phone with her and she is in much better spirits today. She told me she hasn't had a minute to spare today, which is why she hadn't called. I asked her how come she didn't call me on her walk back to the dorms and she said because her legs hurt so much she couldn't concentrate on talking. :) She has already spoken to some friends and has started to let go of the "gotta be perfect" attitude and said she already feels better. She is going to the clinic today because she agrees her sinus problem is not going away...woke up with another headache and still ran 2 1/2 miles. Oh, and as for the pass/no pass class, you are only allotted one for your entire 4 years and it cannot be used on chem or bio classes. The AROTC told her most people save it until their jr year since that's when the military committment really picks up. Anyway, back to work I go. Thanks for your comments.</p>

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<p>UPDATE: "D" went to the clinic and had close to a 102 fever. They sent her over to urgent care and sure enough she has a sinus infection. They gave her vicodin & Z Pack so she should be okay in a couple of days. I think that explains the crying jags, however, she will need to learn not to be so hard on herself. :)</p>

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<p>momoney,
A big word of caution about sinus infections and Z pack- patients are usually given a 3-5 day prescription, and sinus infections often come back if they are not treated for a longer period of time. They can be really stubborn. Tell your daughter that if she gets it again, or if she doesen't feel good as new after 1 week, she should either get a refill, or ask for Biaxin, an antibiotic specifically designed for sinus infections. Zpack is a newer, more general antibiotic.</p>

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<p>Yeah, for our family, a prolonged course of Biaxin generally is needed after the zpak because otherwise we either get a mutation of the original "bug" or a new rebound bug, or something. Our docs favor Biaxin for everyone in this household--especially good for respiratory (nose-lungs) "bugs." One thing to note about Biaxin--it may leave "metallic" after-taste & may cause digestive upset. Still, it does a good job of fighting bacterial infections & you can consume over-the-counter Prilosec + yogurt & lactobacillus to help your stomch/digestion. One more thing about Biaxin (& other antibiotics), be sure to double-check with the pharmacist as many of them should NOT be taken with calcium supplements or daily vitamens containing calcium or citrus juice, since that hinders/affects absorption of the med.</p>

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<p>Oh, I can so relate to this thread. My first posting on this forum was due to my unhappy, stressed out, fresh. son. He is also "premed" and a perfectionist. It got better through the year, but has reared its ugly head already again this year. He is unhappy again, kicking himself for not transfering schools, and has restarted the dreaded phone calls. We are also dealing with a questionable dorm room that environmental health has been called in about (mold issue) and today I had to drive over and pick him up from student clinic with 102.5 temp, strep infection. So now on top of feeling like his classes are overwhelming, he has missed two days of class. </p>

<p>Guess I'm not doing much to help the OP, except to say that you certainly have others in the same boat. I do know from talking to a friend that is on adm. com. for a medical school that one should not take any prereqs. P/F. I am also trying to talk son into dropping one class and was reassured by adcom friend that contrary to what son's premed advisor says, they do not have to kill themselves getting all those prereqs in the first two years.</p>

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<p>Just for the record, two lab sciences in a semester for a premed student is average and expected (at least here.) I took three in one semester my freshman year. You just learn to cope. Yes, I almost had a meltdown between biology, chemistry, and physics, but you learn to deal. Did I call my parents in tears? yes. But part of what makes you stressed is thinking that you're supposed to be stressed. Once I realized that all I needed to do was do the work and stressing about it was making it harder to do that, things go a lot easier. You do what needs to get done and it's only a semester, so you look for the light at the end of the tunnel and try to ease off the next semester.</p>

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<p>^
I would suggest 'easing in' the very first semester rather than killing yourself first and hoping you are around to ease off off later. Adjustment to college is enough of stress factor for freshmen without the added self-inflicted pressure to carry a masochistic course load. And given that most med schools only have as their requirements five or so lab sciences and in fact, encourage pursuit of a broad, liberal arts based education, why would you need to take three lab sciences in one semester as a freshman?</p>

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<p>Thanks for the warning about the possibility of the sinus infection coming back. She had already thought that might be possible, but knowing the name of that prescription drug should help a lot if it does. In answer to Idmom06's question, "why would you need to take three lab sciences in once semester as a freshman?" All I can say is that is what her advisor suggested she do because "most" pre-meds take bio/chem their 1st semester. As for the 3rd lab, she has no choice. Its the Army ROTC and it is required if she wants to continue to receive her 4-year scholarship. Next semester won't be any easier as she will continue with bio/chem. In fact, it doesn't get any easier until her Jr. year since she will have organic chem next year. I hear that's the hardest one of all. D is coming home for a day or two this weekend and I'm hoping it will help relax her a bit. She is doing much better (other than sucking wind after her 2+ mile sprint/jog this morning). :)</p>

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<p>momoney - I was actually questioning UVMLauren's schedule as I realize ROTC is your d's third lab. I would think the only other reason for that many lab sciences in one semester would be pursuit of BS in one of those sciences. And the reason I comment is that my d is also pre-med, but intends to get as broad an education as possible, possibly aiming for a BS in Psychology or Anthropology, while minoring in policy or a language. She has been told by advisors that this broad approach is now preferred by medical schools; but hearing of all these tough science-focused schedules makes me wonder if this is actually true.</p>

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<p>Hi Idmom. Your post is correct. Medical schools are looking for a diverse class filled with various majors, interests, etc. How boring would it be to have an entire university of biology majors??? Like your "d" my "d" is planning to obtain her BA in Neuroscience. It's probably a little more sciency than psychology, but she is fascinated with the brain so it works for her. Trouble is, she doesn't really even get to take her "major" classes until jr/sr. year. I'm not sure how it will all pan out in the end. She could wind up a business major for all I know. I just hope she ends up with a degree in hand, a smile on her face, and either an acceptance into medical/dental/where ever school, or start serving in a specific military branch. Most of all, I sure hope she feels it was all worth it in the end.... :)</p>

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<p>Thanks momoney - This makes me feel a little better about my d's plans. She is also interested in brain/cognitive sciences and will probably load her Psychology degree with neuro courses as well. There is an excellent degree plan at UT-Austin called B.S. in Psychology - PreMed track that takes this approach. My d hopes to adapt that plan at UNC-CH. Or she just may end up in the School of Journalism. We just never know what the future holds, do we? :-)</p>

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<p>In my opinion your daughter is doing too much exercise. All the running, with the changable fall weather, the sudden mood swing sounds to me like exaustion.She needs to relax a little and find some friendly faces.I would check up on her especially as she is ill.</p>

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<p>Excercise is not optional in the ROTC program.</p>

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<p>I think it's normal for students to have problems adjusting to college, and your D's don't sound unusual to me. One of the things that students have to learn is how to balance their schedules. Usually they learn this through trial and error, and through talking with other students with similar difficulties.</p>

<p>As for your D's headaches, etc., I remember experiencing that when I moved 250 miles from home to college. I had never had allergies before, but got them -- big time. The first few weeks of school freshman year were the only time that I had those allergies and I think it was mainly connected with the stress of moving away from home into a new environment.</p>

<p>With modern technology like cell phones and IMing, students are contacting their parents far more than most of us every contacted ours when we went to college. Consequently, if we're not careful, our students can miss out on something that most of us had to do -- learn to quickly solve our problems for ourselves.</p>

<p>To me, the best thing that parents can do is listen to students while they vent about problems, and then we need to reflect back to them what they said, and then ask what they think they can do to solve their dilemmas. We don't have to solve the problems for them. Indeed, we can't. We aren't there. We don't know the situation well, and most of those things are also things that students, not parents, need to address and are allowed to address (such as dropping courses if the students are overscheduled).</p>

<p>I say all of this with empathy for parents. During my older S's one year in college, he called during his first week saying that he'd missed dinner because by the time he got there, the cafeteria was closed. He felt like he was starving, he said. While I did remind him that since I was 1,000 miles away, there was nothing that I could do but sympathize, I also immediately got on-line and for a ridiculous price ordered some goodies to send him: Goodies that he took his sweet time picking up because by the time they arrived, he was fully into campus life including learning the cafeteria's schedule.</p>

<p>When S got horrible grades first semester, my husband -- with S's full support -- flew up to the college and met with S and S's advisor, coming up with all sorts of strategies to help S, who promptly ignored those things and got horrible grades second semester, flunking out. We actually would have helped him more by having him face the advisor alone, and perhaps being sent home at that point because he really was too immature for college. My thoughts now are that in most cases, if a student's parents need to step in to help with college difficulties, the student isn't ready for college, and would be better off doing a structured program like Americorps or living at home for a while while working, paying rent and growing up.</p>

<p>I'm not suggesting at all that the OP's daughter is immature like that: Her problems seem like the typical ones of perfectionistic students who -- by figuring out how to handle college -- learn lessons that will serve them well for a lifetime of balancing top jobs, community service and family responsibilities. I do, though, think that it's important to realize that parents can listen, but the best thing that parents may be able to do for such students is to allow them to vent, and then allow them to figure out the solutions to their challenges.</p>

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<p>Northstarmom,
This is off topic, but your post reminded me of this experience I had with D. She was driving to a strange city in order to take a driving class (because of speeding ticket in neighboring state). She hit sport event traffic, which made her run late and then got lost in the city. She calls me, 5 hours away, crying and wanting me to solve problem. I had to ask what in world did she think I could do--I wasn't there--I didn't know city--figure it out. She survived--asked for directions several times--made it late to the class where they at first refused entrance, but made her case and got in and got the credit. That was good for both of us, because if I can help, it is so, so hard not to step in and do it!</p>