Opinions about my essay

Hi everyone, I’m an international student applying this year for US universities, and since the English language isn’t common in my country, I would like someone to review my personal essay

When I was a kid, I used to look up to heroes in cartoons and anime, not their power or their cool costumes, but it was actually their composure, their ability to handle situations threatening the world with such ease and calmness, so I made it my goal to become a cool person, but unlike most people, what I would refer to as cool was the total opposite of what I am, I was a short tempered person, I easily get offended so I quickly resort to violence, and because of these reasons it became hard for me to make friends, and even if I was approached by someone, I acted as if I don’t need them, and that I am fine being by myself, because at the time, I thought that depending on friends is a weakness, and if I show the slightest interest in them, they would use it to control me.
Even though I didn’t have friends or social abilities, I was still proud of myself, me who was just a primary school student thought that I was better than the others, and while most of the children were focusing on having a good time, I spent my time analyzing their attitudes, and as a result, it became easy to tell if a person is angry, sad, embarrassed or even lying because all I had to do was to compare their attitude to mine, then I found out that I do the exact same thing when I’m feeling the emotions that they feel, the only difference was that they were truly enjoying their life, but me, I was trying to be different which caused me to miss out on the true joy of childhood.
From then I started to think that I should have friends too and that social connections are important in life if I wanted to be cool, that I should be charismatic, know when to talk and what to say, and that I should adapt to whatever situation comes my way, but saying and doing were two different things, I started by playing roles, the obedient kid in front of teachers, the delinquent in front of delinquents and I said to people what they most want to hear, I took leadership when I needed to, I avoided responsibilities and seized every opportunity I get to prove myself in front of others, and day by day my fake self became the biggest part of my life, forgetting what is most important to me, my own happiness.
Doing the things that I truly desire wasn’t such an easy feat, because I have already become a prisoner of my fake self, and the image that I created in front of people can’t be easily shattered, but I didn’t hate it being that way, because I learned a lot from that experience, I knew what my capabilities are, and most importantly what my flaws are, and by accepting those flaws, I could be really happy as a person.
I’m not saying that I succeeded in doing so nor that I’m happy about everything in my life, but at least now I know that I want to explore the world, and have as many experiences as I can, sad ones, happy ones, and by doing that my personality would be shaped as it is supposed to be, without any kind of restrictions.

I’m not sure pointing out all your flaws, even if you think you’ve licked them, is a great idea. That said, one of my kids wrote an essay about secretly attempting to imitate a well known literary figure from middle school through HS, with some entertaining and heartfelt results. It was a very well received essay.

Don’t post your essay on a public forum. Try to delete!

Take your essay off this public forum if you still can!

Don’t ever post your essay on a public forum. Remove it if you can!

That said, find an english teacher in your high school to help you. You jump around with your tenses, have run on sentences, etc… I also agree that highlighting all your flaws may not be the best strategy when you are trying to sell yourself.

remove it!!!

Sentences much too long. Lordy, did you really admit you quickly resort to violence, have trouble making friends, etc, etc, and nearly the whole essay is about flaws? You never get to how you integrate now, just that you’re satisfied being a loner of sorts.

Not what they look for. Not going to work to your advantage. Do you know what your targets want to see in you? And it’s, “Show, not just tell.”

Try again, keeping in mind what a college wants to see. Hint: part is how you actively and awarely get along with others, in the right ways. Can you “show” that?

@Medber You should take your essay off a public forum as people may copy it or use it as their own. Congratulations on getting your essay written. That said the essay you wrote was pretty dark. You say “I easily get offended so I quickly resort to violence.” I do not think any college wants to knowingly admit a violent person especially one that is set off easily. You do not really overcome it all in the end so the reader is left with a lackluster view of the struggle. Your talk of a “fake self” makes one wonder if you are fake in general or just then? Could you choose a different prompt? If you proceed with it, you need to get someone who is familiar with English at your school, a trusted adult, or a family adult friend to read it and correct grammar, wordiness, and tenses. Good luck

I agree, you need to try again. Don’t post your essay on a public forum - you can PM it to some people for suggestions. That being said, I don’t think you should fear this one being copied.

Your paragraphs contains one sentence each. Each paragraph should have its own main idea, and they should work together to tell a story.

Are you applying to schools that only single-occupancy rooms? Your essay could be interpreted as “this applicant is a roommate problem begging to happen.”