D has an overnight visit scheduled soon, which will include attending a few classes. She’s excited, but also nervous as she has no idea what to expect. Any help (or general thoughts) the community can provide is greatly appreciated.
Hi, my daughter did one in the spring at Reed in Oregon. She loved it, She stayed in a dorm room with a current student, ate in the dining hall, went to a concert on the grounds, toured the campus, and went to two classes. They interviewed her, which she wasn’t expecting. They picked her up from the airport and put her in a cab to go back. She is going to Davidson in October, and their format seems to be the same.
My daughter was 16 when she went on an overnight, and it was a lot more stressful than she expected. A lot of questions about her sexuality (‘what pronoun do you use?’ and more direct ‘are you gay? how do you know you aren’t gay?’). She was taken to a party with alcohol and drugs, so your daughter should be prepared to say no (or yes?). She might be expected to stay up a lot later than she’s used to, to party, to be ignored. She should decide what she wants to do - go to class, go to a particular department like art or theater.
@twoinanddone What school was the overnight?
@PepperJo Please post about the Davidson overnight after your D goes
Smith. She just wasn’t prepared for it and the questions. She liked a few things like an a capella contest, the girl she stayed with (she knew her, but the host was not a party girl).
Most visitors are 16-17 years old, and the hosts are college age with at least a few weeks of college under their belts. I don’t think my other daughter would have been take off guard by the same questions, but this D was.
I’m not a fan of the overnight. It’s just so much of a dice-roll to see if the prospective student meshes with the host.
My kids learned more about their “fit” by going to some classes with a host, but they got the most “fit” value by just hanging at the student centers and other other public spaces where kids hang out and watching how they were interacting with other kids.
You may want to take a thank you note with a token gift enclosed for the host (something small, like a $10 Starbucks gift card).
@wisteria100
I will let you know how Davidson goes. My daughter was 17 when she went to Reed… There was someone on the same overnight visit who identified as trans; my daughter has been in private Christian school since she was 3. Didn’t really phase her though, as she’s pretty welcoming and just thinks people should live their lives. This person didn’t stay in the same room as her, as they usually ask if you have a roommate preference. I think more and more, it is common on campuses to discuss gender and self identification, which is certainly not how it was when I was in college. I think Smith is probably very open to those kinds of discussions, which might be more common at an all women’s college from what I’ve read.
I am in agreement with @suzy100. I am also not a fan of overnight visit. D1 was very interested in a particular college, unfortunately she was paired up with a student who was very different than her. There was no party, no fun, just the library and a choir practice. D1 crossed it off because of the visit.
I didn’t encourage D2 to do any overnight visit.
I agree - not sure about the overnights. I base this on my son’s orientation experience at his university this summer. He hated it! He was asked his pronoun (most kids don’t care about the political charged question and it seems bizarre to them), he didn’t really connect with anyone during the event, and overall came home not psyched. He was already enrolled so we spent the rest of the summer rather lackluster about the upcoming start to school. He has been there a month and loves it. Classes are good, he has found a variety of nice friends, he has engaged in a variety of activities and all is going swimmingly. It is definitely the right fit for him. It’s such hit or miss during a visit. If that had been our overnight my son would not be at the university that is a great fit for him.
My kid just did overnights at accepted student visits in the spring. The colleges have more stuff planned— so if the hosting student is really busy or doesn’t mesh with your kid, there is still stuff to do without them. My kid found those overnights to be VERY informative; 24 hours on campus is different from a tour visit where the college can script their marketing message more carefully.
I’m not at all surprised at the gender and sexuality quizzing at Smith — it is a bit of a hallmark for them. And Davidson and Reed overnights would have a very different vibe. 
Both of my kids were very active at their school, but they wouldn’t be the type of kids who would host someone in their room or have the person shadow them. They have given private tours to kids from their high school or family friends, but not to have someone overnight.
Accepted students’ overnight sealed the deal for my D – at Davidson in fact!
One thing she said was the woman with whom she stayed and her friends “probably wouldn’t be the people I’d hang out with but I really liked them.” I was pleased she recognized she didn’t need to find members of her tribe during an overnight to have a positive and informative experience. So one tip is to remind your student of this.
Relatedly, kids visiting LACs should ask a lot of questions about social life more generally – particularly how friend groups interact or overlap (or don’t overlap) with each other. Larger schools you can just assume you can find your people and make it work – with effort – but in small schools it’s helpful to understand how students interact and get along. For example, one of my close friends went to Swat back in the 80s and the social cliques were very separate and there was not a lot of interaction between them. She had a tough time with that.
Probably, but I don’t think they should insist on an answer (or even ask at all) and I’d put it in a category of a personal question you don’t ask - religion, political party, bank balance, gender identification. If the person wants you to know, they’ll tell you. If they want to put it on a questionnaire to match you with a host, fine, and then you can answer or not, but to ask a 16 year old who has no preparation and no way to get out of the conversation is unfair.
However, it did show her the personality of the school and that it wasn’t for her.
Some interesting thoughts on not doing an overnight, however that ship has sailed. As I said, D is excited and I’d think smart enough to have a similar reaction as AlmostThere2018’s D who said of her hosts: “probably wouldn’t be the people I’d hang out with but I really liked them.” She knows this isn’t a test to find new friends.
In any event, I appreciate the input and opinions.
Not sure i see the big deal about asking what pronouns your son prefers…just say “he/him” and move on.
I thought I owed a recap to all who took the time to respond to my original post. Here’s a recap I posted in a different thread…
So here’s the recap on D’s overnight for anyone interested.
After the 7+ hour drive on Thursday, we arrived right on time at the admissions office to meet our host - a current Junior who is also on the equestrian team (something of interest for my D). After a brief introduction, they were off and I was left to explore on my own.
I stuck around campus for a few minutes to get a feel for what a Thursday night looks like on campus. There was an organized activity in the “quad” that was pretty well attended, a handful of kids sitting at outside tables doing work, and then a bunch of kids coming and going here and there. In my view, it was a fairly typical 6pm evening on a Thursday night at college.
I promised myself I wouldn’t keep checking to see how the night was going as I figured that could be pretty embarrassing. So it came as a nice surprise when D texted me at 11:58p to say “I love college”. Seeing as just a few months ago she didn’t know if college was something of interest, I wasn’t sure if she was being honest or simply telling me something she thought I wanted to hear. Our plan was to meet Friday afternoon, giving her a chance to attend a few AM classes, have lunch and then visit the barn where she could meet the team coach and ride. When we finally met up, I could see she was exhausted, so I figured it must have been an eventful night.
Because the idea of college has caused her some anxiety, we typically don’t talk about it much, nor do I ask a lot of questions. However, she was pretty chatty and offered a lot of information without prompting. What I learned about her visit:
- She loves college. Loves the idea of college. Loves the independence it offers. While I'm sure she didn't give me all the details of her evening, it did sound like she had a pretty social night. The upperclassman wanted to take her to a "raging party", but being it was Thursday it didn't sound like any huge parties were happening on campus. As such, she settled for going here, going there, hanging out here, hanging out there, etc.
- She loved the school vibe and people. While her host is not someone she would likely be close with, she met lots of other people who she could see herself befriending. She was very comfortable on campus and the environment was "homey".
- She attended two classes and loved both professors. One class she really enjoyed and even thought about participating in class discussion, but ultimately decided against it. She did not like the content of the second class, but that was ok. She still enjoyed the professor/student interaction and the overall structure of the class.
- She's started to think about areas of study. This was shocking. One of her stress triggers is the feeling that everyone else knows what they want to do in life but she had no idea. Apparently a bunch of the kids she met provided a lot of good advice which has led her to start evaluating possible majors. That alone was worth the trip.
When asked about looking at other schools, she said “nope, I’m going here”. While I’d prefer a trip shorter than 7 hours, it’s not a deal breaker for us. And since it checks so many of her boxes, I’m okay with her decision.
Deposit going in this weekend.
@eb23282 @wisteria100
eb that’s great. Do you mind sharing what school?
Wisteria…daughter comes home tonight from Davidson. Said it was fun, met lots of great people, only saw one rainbow flag, felt it was balanced as far as liberal and conservative and noticed an atmosphere of community. I’ll get more information from her later, but I think she thinks it’s too small town for her. Boo!
@PepperJo – Glad she enjoyed Davidson!
@PepperJo – Roanoke College