<p>From what I've read on these boards, college overnights have been quite helpful for some kids to clarify their opinions about colleges. My hubby is very concerned about permitting my D to go on these (as, I admit, am I) for a couple of reasons. First, his experience on the one college overnight he took (to Brown) in the 1970's was not a good one. His host only took him to parties, then kicked my H out of the room while he shacked up with his girlfriend. Also, my D is a young junior...turned 16 in February. Need we be overly concerned about this? Are there ways we can ensure that an experience like my husband had would not occur? Also, it seems that many of the parents of my D's friends have put their kids on a plane to these schools for overnights and did not go with them. Maybe we should go stay in a nearby hotel so she can bail out of she wishes by calling us? Are these overnights really "worth it"?</p>
<p>My d is a young senior- turned 16 the summer before her senior year. She did an admitted students' overnight at her top early action choice and then a 4 day, 3 night admitted student weekend at her top regular action choice. Those overnights were crucial in helping her make her final decision. She had fantastic experiences at both places. We did not go to the weekend experience with her and she was fine. </p>
<p>I highly recommend that your d spend the night before making her final decision. It will give her a better sense of where she will be living for the next 4 years. To help alleviate your concerns about her potential experiences, make sure she knows the RA's name and location. If she has a problem, she can contact the RA.</p>
<p>My S's advice to his sister(he is a college freshman), don't pick a school without spending a night there. My D however stayed over senior year (she is also young for her class) and stayed over only at the main contenders. It is the only way to truly experience a school and see behind the scenes of what they show you, talk informally and honestly to other students. Colleges are very different in their overnight rules. Some of the schools my D visited had very strict rules about what is allowed, ie no going off campus, no drinking etc. Other schools can be quite loose but to be fair I think they go by the student, if the visitor is a partier they will bring them to a party, if they aren't they won't. Most hosts asked my D do you mind going to see a fraternity event or not and were receptive. We always went with her and stayed in a nearby hotel, except once when the school flew her out for a scholarship weekend. She went alone on that one but that was Feb of senior year and by then she was a pro . One student on CC asked to be housed with someone on the substance free floor, so that is also an option. Good luck!</p>
<p>I recommend you send her as well. There are many things you can do to make sure that your D has a good experience. You shouldn't be worried about putting on her on a plane and not going with her, you'll eventually have to do that anyway...my suggestion is to get used to it now.
My suggestion would be that you make contact with the admissions office at the school and the program/person in charge of arranging overnight visits. Express your concerns and ask them how it is that they select hosts for the students. Also, ask if there are going to be special events during her stay for her to attend. (Some schools have an overnight program for a certain weekend where they do special things for prospectives. Others just allow students to come whenever and set them up with a host.) If you can get it from the office or have to wait until your daughter gets there, it might also help to have the information of the student that she's staying with just in case.</p>
<p>Also, you can increase the odds of a positive experience if you know in advance with whom your daughter will be spending the night.</p>
<p>The first place you should look for a host/hostess for your daughters visit is from aluminis of your daughters high school currently attending the college that you daughter wants to visit. Your daughters guidance counselor should be able to help you in this regard.</p>
<p>In our case, we contacted a student organization that we were interested in, and made the arrangements through the student organization. There is usually an email contact for all student organizations, so you can start there.</p>
<p>To me, the biggest problem in college selection is that high schoolers have no understanding of what college is like and, therefor, no confidence to trust their instincts. Instead, they end up relying on superficial stuff like USNEWS rankings or "how is the econ department?" when the reality is that big picture stuff like campus culture is vastly more important.</p>
<p>I believe that an overnight visit, early fall of senior year, is vitally important to give them a real image of college life so they can start thinking in college terms, not high school terms.</p>
<p>There is no way to protect against an overnight host taking your kid to a drunken frat party. But, that tells you something, right? I mean, if the hosts of high school prospect are getting hammered on a school night, then you've learned something important about the college. Like...if you don't want a drinking culture, don't go there! It kills me to read kids who have an utterly miserable overnight experience and then go to the school anyway!</p>
<p>As parents, it is so hard to just let them go. But, guess what? Just a few short months down the road, they are going to be on their own full-time. I think it's important to send the message that we think they are ready and responsible. Put 'em on a plane. Let them feel like a grown-up. I think that's an important part of a smooth transition from high school kid to college young adult.</p>
<p>Use the opportunity of college visits to start talking about the real stuff they are going to encounter in college. Share your college experiences. Help them understand what it will be like and what they should be considering in their choices.</p>
<p>Send her and don't worry. (easy for me to say! :) )</p>
<p>My S did his overnight early in the fall of Senior year. He overnighted on the night of the big Presidential debate. His host was someone he knew prior. He was given a fake ID and taken to the most popular bar on campus to watch the debate. He loved it......listening to everyone's opinions on the candidates, watching the students disagree/agree, experiencing the social aspect of the school, etc. Following thedebate, he separated from his host and walked the streets around campus (it was a Fri night). He admits this was potentially dangerous...but he wanted to experience it. He found various parties, kids hanging out, etc. he said everyone was welcoming and took time to talk to him about the school and their experiences. Kids went out of their way to give him their phone numbers and told him to call if he was accepted. </p>
<p>It sealed the deal for him. </p>
<p>I agree with LooseCannon about finding an alum of your D's HS. Does your school publish a directory of graduates. Our school publishes such a directory...and has sollege contact info for students who have graduated in the last 5 years. Even if it isn't published, your HS may have such info. Definitely start here.</p>
<p>I also recommend college overnights, but found that between when my D applied in 1997 and my S who applied this year, that many colleges no longer arrange them for students until the student has been admitted. So my D did one - arranged by the admissions office - at Pomona during her junior year in HS, but my S had to find his own hosts as a senior in HS, until the prospective weekend when the school would make the arrangements.</p>
<p>So you may find that for your D to do overnights before she applies that you will have to be resourceful and find her places to stay. My S had no trouble - he stayed with kids from his youth group, emailed the captain of the team he might play on and was offered an overnight with a team member, etc. You could ask someone who goes to the school from your church/synagogue or other religious organization, or perhaps someone from your D's HS who is now there. The advantage there is then you have a real good sense of who will be hosting her. If you know no one, email a club that she is interested in, or the religious group on campus that might be appropriate, and you may be put in touch with students who would happily host her.</p>
<p>That said, I am a proponent of visits after acceptance. Obviously if you are thinking of ED, a visit before is necessary, but it is less so for RD and EA. My kids did a few of both, but we left the faraway ones, and the reaches, for after we received acceptance. Money for the trips was an issue, and we didn't want them falling in love with reach schools, and so we did enough visits to make sure each kid understood how to evaluate a campus. That helped them refine the list, and they applied, and then we left the final visits for the real possibilities. </p>
<p>I also am a proponent of long visits. A half day or a day is not long enough to really figure out if a student will be comfortable on a campus. After she was accepted, my D flew to Brandeis for a long weekend, where she stayed for a day with someone we found by contacting Hillel, and then she moved to stay with another person for the official prospie weekend. The second host thought that a fun time would be to watch Gerry Springer and to drink, so D just left and went to another event on campus with another prospie who was also turned off by the host's idea of a good time. They ended up at a Free Tibet rally, and went back to the host's suite just to sleep.</p>
<p>From there she flew to Grinnell, and stayed for the prospie days plus an extra 2 nights. By the end of the 5 day trip, she knew Grinnell was to be her college home, having seen both Brandeis and Grinnell both "dressed up" for prospies and on regular days too.</p>
<p>BTW, when I called Brandeis to say that for our D to get there in time for the prospie weekend, which began at 9AM, she had to come the day before from the west coast. As she was coming alone, could they arrange an extra night with a student host? They said "No," and suggested we call Hillel and do it on our own. When I called Grinnell, explained she'd be travelling alone from another school and to save significant money on the ticket that she'd need to stay an extra 2 nights (can't remember but it had something to do with a Saturday night stay) they said, "No problem. We'll do whatever needs doing to enable her to visit." Which told us something about the colleges too.</p>
<p>We were nervous - she was 17 and would be flying back east, figuring out how to get to Brandeis, etc. And this was before cell phones! I worried about everything - the taxi drivers, the hosts, the weather, cancelled planes, etc. - but she did great. She was armed with many emergency numbers, and got to see what college life would be like without us. And she knew enough to get out of there when the host offered alcohol and Gerry Springer - not her idea of fun at all and no way to explore a campus.</p>
<p>With my S, we did a few college visits with him to help him narrow down his choices. He always arranged to stay with someone we met as explained above, and in some cases was invited to stay with someone he met while visiting. He never spent less than 2 nights/3 days seeing a campus. Then, once he was accepted and the merit money came through, we took a family vacation/college trip on a long weekend off from school, arriving on a Wed. morning and staying til Sunday. We spent some time seeing the campus and area with him but gave him lots of time to see it on his own, with the help of a host arranged by his regional adcomm, another kid on a team, and another from a frat, who he found after emailing that frat to say he was interested in learning about Greek life. </p>
<p>Now my kids are very social and resourceful and this system worked for us. You know your kid and perhaps can adapt it to suit her needs. They also had a good sense of what they were looking for before we started the process. D had been reading Fiske for pleasure since HS sophomore year, and S used a list his GC and I prepared using his criteria of what he wanted in a shcool. Both only applied to 5 schools each. In all, D visited 4 of the 5 (2 before, 2 after) and S visited 4 (applied to 3 of those, also applied to 2 more sight unseen - he later visited the top choice which had been top sight unseen and he will attend there in the fall.) The system wouldn't work if you want to see all the ivies, or all the little ivies, but if your D knows what she wants, it can work nicely.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>Just a comment...There must be THOUSANDS upon thousands of admitted students who do not do an overnight visit before choosing their schools. DS did go for a day trip to his top choice...and I mean a full day...from 9 in the morning to 10 in the evening. It included classes, lunch in the dining hall, meeting a bunch of students in his major, sitting in on ensemble, chamber music and private lessons, talking (again) to the music adcom. Since he was very familiar with the city (we have relatives there and visit often), he didn't have a compelling desire to sleep in the dorm. He already knew who he would be rooming with and which dorm they would choose. SO...he figured a day trip to his specific department was more important. To be honest, he spends more time there than he does in his dorm anyway and "the fit" there was important.</p>
<p>My D did her overnights early in the fall of the application year. She was trying to decide if she liked either of what were then her two top choices well enough to apply ED (they were both binding). She had a great stay one place because she stayed with a friend from home. She had a bad stay in the other, because although she was an acquaintance of the girl she stayed with, the fit was poor. So the outcome was no ED application. Instead she applied EA elsewhere.</p>
<p>Funny thing is, she will now be attending the place where she had the bad visit. This is because once she had her final list of acceptances, she went to the accepted weekends to both places - both of which involved overnights. The weekends really highlighted the "dominant culture" to take a phrase from another thread. </p>
<p>So overnight stays played an extremely significant part of her decision-making. My H and I took turns flying back east for the stays in New Jersey. The other place was 10 minutes down the street, so was easy. We accompanied her not because something bad might happen, but because we wanted to be able to hear her reactions so we could play them back to her when the decision actually had to be made. It worked very well.</p>
<p>Echosensei: Your husband was "sexiled" before the term was invented! And before he even matriculated! Sounds like a prospie visit for the recordbooks.</p>
<p>I can fully understand your concerns. Overnight visits can vary considerably, but the chances of lightning striking twice are slim. We parents worry about everything, but this particular issue is not difficult to address. Even if other kids you know are flying to overnights on their own, if you and your husband are not comfortable having your daughter do this, then don't do it. Figure out a way for her to visit that is reasonably within your comfort level.</p>
<p>If she doesn't happen to have experience travelling on her own, then go with her and let her take the lead navigating through the airport, dealing with transfers, delays, getting to campus, etc. Make it an adventure and have fun. She'll gain experience and you'll feel more confident about any future trips. If she ends up attending the college, she'll need to know how to get back and forth anyway.</p>
<p>Stay in a nearby hotel if you're so inclined. Cruise around the campus on your own and scope things out. Chances are that that the overnight will go well, but if not, she can call you and finish the night in your hotel room. Discuss it ahead of time. If she is taken to parties that she doesn't want to be at, what are her choices? If she is sexiled from her host's room (quite unlikely), what would she do? </p>
<p>My son recently stayed overnight on campus for an accepted students event. His freshman host seemed "young" to me. He was very nice, immediately asking my son if he was hungry, what would he like to do, etc. The evening was so tame that my nightowl son who loves to sleep late made it to the 8am sample class with a hot breakfast in his stomach! </p>
<p>Maybe you could travel with a friend and her parent. The girls could stay with separate student hosts and provide back-up for each other. You could hang out with the other parent and compare notes.</p>
<p>You could also try to arrange something with a student you know, as has been suggested.</p>
<p>Many thanks for all of your suggestions. Yes, the CC's office keeps lists of willing contacts at various schools and we'll use these. My D has travelled the world extensively and independently (touring choirs where she stayed with families, etc), so this wasn't my concern. My concern is a 16 year old girl being taken advantage of by college guys. I do think we'll stay in a nearby hotel and keep her cellphone charged so she can have an out of she desires.</p>
<p>Mine was either 15 or 16 for the overnights, and they made a huge difference! One that was at or close to the top of the list sank heavily; another that was close to the bottom, ran up to the top. They need a chance to "see themselves there".</p>
<p>And, yes, "sheet" happens. There are stories at some of the nation's finest colleges that would curl your toes.</p>
<p>Oh, ok, here are some suggestions to address your specific concern. You could tailor your approach for each visit, depending on the degree of party-schoolness and when during the week your visit happens. Organize your schedule so that the first overnight is rigged to be the least likely to present a problem, working your way up to the more concerning visits.</p>
<p>1) arrange for your daughter to stay with a student host who is a family friend (who lives on campus)</p>
<p>2) have your daughter and her most assertive, street-wise friend visit together and stay together during the visit (hosted by the family friend)</p>
<p>3) avoid visits on Thursday, Friday, or Saturday nights, or extra festive weekends such as Halloween or end of the term</p>
<p>4) or visit at the end of a big weekend (such as Winter Carnival) when the student body is "partied out" and more mellow</p>
<p>5) have her enjoy an evening on campus then pick her up around midnight or 1am</p>
<p>6) have her visit with her boyfriend or a close male friend </p>
<p>7) have her call you at the hotel every couple of hours with an update</p>
<p>8) review the evening's campus events (performances, lectures, athletic events, etc.) with your daughter before dropping her off with the host, so that she can express more informed preferences about the direction of the evening's activities.</p>
<p>9) have her call you when she is in for the night, and/or when she's heading out for breakfast</p>
<p>When all is said and done, a cell phone and backup plan may be all that is needed.</p>
<p>My D went to two accepted student overnight visits. They were very good and safe visits. The visits confirmed her "gut" feelings and helped her make up her mind.</p>
<p>Uh, guys, remember: in a year they go for <strong>four years all by themselves!</strong>.... So a one night visit should be doable!!</p>
<p>My D & I did a swing to see schools together and she stayed on campus with kids nearly every night for 12 nights. She was exposed to several "firsts" (i.e. "Beer Pong") while on overnights-- but hey!! This is real life. This is college. I've had 18 years, and if they mess her up in 12 hours, shame on me. </p>
<p>I had the MOST boring trip (by myself in hotels each night) but she got a really accurate look at the schools. We arranged our accomodations with coaches for my D's sport-- and I feel this is the #1 most advantageous aspect of being a recruit: inside track to overnight hosts.</p>
<p>BTW, Beer Pong school = no application! My 18 years worked!</p>
<p>Most of the schools we investigated only offered overnights on Sundays through Wednesdays or Thursdays, in order to minimize the partying opportunities. At my oldest d's school, there's a big overnight weekend each fall for invited students (top-ranked at every hs in VA, I think), and that's understood to be a dry weekend. I've been told that my d and her friends always comply - hey, maybe they do.</p>
<p>
[quote]
I had the MOST boring trip (by myself in hotels each night)
[/quote]
Ah, there's where we differ, SBmom - sounds like Nirvana to me!</p>