Paralyzed by Fear

Parent Cafe
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Sometimes parents have to do most of the work of selecting a list of prospective colleges for their kids. That was the case for our #1. Very busy with his main EC’s (for which he won some state-level awards), very good but not perfect grades, terrific test scores (he was NMSF but never prepped for such exams). Definitely not interested in majoring in a technical or scientific field, even though he had outstanding quantitative skills.

So what’s a parent to do? Identify a set of colleges that will allow all critical choices to be made after first year, in particular choice of the major. Keep in mind that real specialization can happen in graduate or professional school. He doesn’t need to know as a senior in high school what he wants to do for the rest of his life. In building a list of prospective colleges we focused on the learning environment – large number of intellectually curious students. For our #1, this meant a set of liberal arts colleges (e.g., Williams, Carleton, Reed) as the core list plus a couple of universities with strong foundational integrative studies programs (UChicago, UMich). Add a couple more colleges in different locations. Don’t apply to 8-10 copy-cat colleges. Apply to colleges that offer different types of intellectual atmosphere, curriculum complexity, and physical setting.

This worked out just fine for our kid. He first set foot on the campus of his eventual college choice on “admitted students day.” He also had acceptable alternatives. He found a good major, spent a junior year abroad, and found a good first job a few months after he graduated. His career fits his skills, reflects some of the interests (EC’s) he had in high school, and offers an intellectual challenge.

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A gap year working in a high school graduate job may significantly increase motivation for further education.

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My impression isn’t so much that your daughter is paralyzed by fear as that she is overwhelmed by choices that she doesn’t have the knowledge or exposure to differentiate between.

Different kids have different reactions to the college search and application process. Some seem born knowing what to do and handle it fairly independently. Some need a good deal of help in narrowing in on a suitable, affordable list and in filling out the various elements of the application. You may have to provide more guidance on establishing an application foundation – e.g., clarifying finances, learning about the different types of schools, assembling application materials and calendars – than you might want to. To me this isn’t imposing, it’s just parenting in today’s complicated world of higher education.

The first step is to clarify the financial element. In addition to knowing how much you can afford, you need to have a rough idea of how much the colleges are likely to expect you to pay. It’s better for you to take the initiative here, then share your findings with your daughter.

Choose a few colleges – don’t worry at this point whether your daughter is enthusiastic about them or not – and run a few of their net price calculators (which you will find on the colleges’ websites). The NPCs will give you a general indication of how much need-based aid your family may be eligible for. If your estimated family contribution matches the amount that you can afford to pay, then good, your daughter can put together a fairly open ended list.

If, on the other hand, the NPCs indicate that need-based aid won’t be enough, then you’ll need to help your daughter search for colleges that offer merit aid. Again, I think it’s reasonable for you, the parents, to take the lead on identifying colleges that offer merit aid. This site is a wealth of knowledge on the topic.

I wouldn’t stress too much over majors and/or careers. Many, many kids start their first year of college not knowing what they will major in, let alone what they will do after they graduate. For most kids majors and career paths develop over time as they sample different academic areas, hold summer jobs and internships, get exposure through teachers and fellow students. Let the choice of major go for now and concentrate on putting together a list of schools that you can afford and that might appeal to your daughter.

So, how to get your daughter to communicate what appeals to her? Does her high school have a college counselor who could help assemble a list of schools? Barring that, is there a teacher that she’s close to who could offer suggestions. Are you friendly with the parents of any of your daughter’s friends? Perhaps they could point you in the right direction for helpful people at her school.

At most colleges she will have to submit 2 letters of recommendation from teachers who know her as well a general letter from the high school. If she hasn’t begun that process, then perhaps you should get involved to find out what’s available at her school. She will also usually have to submit one or more essays that provide a window into her interests and background. Teachers can be helpful as essay advisors too.

Lastly, has your daughter had the opportunity to visit colleges? To me, this is the best way to generate enthusiasm. If you haven’t already done so, visit a few different colleges in your area – big State universities, medium and small sized privates. The concept of college can be abstract and a few visits can help provide context.

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It is so much easier to be overwhelmed by the choices now than when I was 18. Access to the internet means there are thousands of choices at your disposal-- it makes it pretty difficult to have any idea of where to start.

So I agree that, if you’re willing, it might help to do some of the early leg work. Identify a group of 10-20 schools that not only fit your parameters (think cost, distance, whatever) but also seem to be a good fit for your daughter. Make sure you have a decent variety-- state schools that classmates will also be attending, schools where she’s likely to be in the top half of the class, as well as some schools that will likely prove to be more of a challenge, urban, rural and suburban schools, as wide a variety as you can think of.

What I suggest then is that email your daughter the list— the pros and cons of each and why it’s on your list. Let her know what you’ve sent her, and ask her to spend some time in, say the next week or so, taking a look at the list.
Simply ask which schools look like possibilities, schools she might consider applying to. Once she responds, she can either start applying or start looking at schools similar to the ones she like.

And bonus points if they’re on the Common App. The whole application process can be so overwhelming in and of itself-- it’s so nice to fill out one application and send it to a number of schools.

Your daughter is certainly not alone in her school or in her grade; any number of the seniors I teach are pretty much in the same position.

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Agree that this is not unique to your child. The choices can be overwhelming. And sometimes it feels like this is a critical decision - pick the wrong school and your life is ruined. Which, of course, it isn’t. The pressure to get into a “name” school may be strong at her HS.

I, too, had to come up with a starter list as it was overwhelming for my kids. Two of mine knew something of what they wanted to study. I also had to push them to go visit some schools. Many of the apps were being completed in December, but the early action for the rolling state school and the early merit deadlines were met.

Does your school use Naviance or other program? Did the GC give her a list of schools to start with? If you have any kind of list, you can start there and run the NPC and then find similar schools.

Or start with the school she mentioned, even if that came from a friend. Look at how the school stacks up acedmically and what the environment is like. Ask if that is something she would like or does she want something bigger/smaller country/city etc.

With the common app, it is easy to get started on the applicant. Then she can add the school-specific essays. Hopefully, once she gets started and once the real deadlines are near, she will kick into gear. I would lay off telling her that you won’t pay for college unless her love of learning is apparent. Some people just aren’t built that way. She may see school as a means to an end, which is fine. She has (and will) learn a lot anyway.

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I am PM ing you

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With all due respect…I disagree with this for this kid.

Many kids enroll in college as undeclared majors. They take a variety of courses and declare a major somewhere along the way. Some colleges don’t even require majors be declared until junior year.

Many…many kids enroll in college with one career or major in mind…and switch multiple times before they land with the major in which they get their degree.

And…many, many kids get jobs or go to grad or professional schools with majors that seem very unrelated to their eventual career.

If this HS kid is already “struggling” with the college search, focusing on a career goal is just going to add to the struggle, in my opinion. Heck, if she knew what she wanted for sure, she would be able to say that…and find a college. There are academic advisors and career centers at most colleges where students can find out what interests would align with what majors. There are colleges with strong core course requirements which require kids to explore lots of different options before declaring a major. There are colleges with TONS of majors, and flexibility to switch from major to major.

I still say…drop this discussion for 30 days. Say nothing about college unless SHE comes to you with a question. Then answer that question and don’t expect a long discussion about college. It sounds like she is already doing some of that question asking…but that your expectation is any question is going to develop into a conversation or action plan…or both. Maybe she’s not ready for that yet.

We offered our kids the @Blossom Plan. Their choices after HS were…

  1. Live here but work and pay rent.
  2. Go to college and we paid (families certainly can set price limits)
  3. Military or some other service plan like Americorps.

Pick one.

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Is there a community college that your daughter could commute to?

Some students seem to do better if they start out that way. They don’t have to go away at 18, which some are not ready for. They are still in a familiar community. They attend classes that are similar in size to high school classes, rather than large lectures where nobody knows their name. The price is low enough that if the student’s interests change, paying for an extra semester or two is probably OK, especially if the student also has a part-time job (as almost all community college students do).

A friend of mine has a son with credentials like your daughter’s, who spent his first two years in a community college’s honors program. This happened for financial reasons, but it turned out to be a good idea for maturity reasons, too. He wasn’t really ready to go away at 18. At 20, when he transferred to a highly regarded liberal arts college in another state, he was ready.

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I like @blossom’s plan, also. That’s what we told our middle kid. He ended up doing several things:

  1. Took two and a half gap years - had to raise money himself to participate in two programs.
  2. Lived at home and worked in a bank. We collected rent that we've saved to give him back in the future - about $3,000!
  3. Took one semester of courses at our small local university.
  4. Transferred to the American University of Beirut and does volunteer work part-time. We pay for his tuition, but he's responsible for living expenses.

He’s 23 now and has three more semesters, including this one, to go. If he had taken the traditional route and gone straight to college after high school, it would have been a disaster. He has grown up so much!

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It doesn’t have to be that way. Most students attend public institutions within ~100 miles from home. With your kid’s apparently strong qualifications, admission to at least 1 in-state public university should be rather likely. He may be eligible for merit scholarships (in case you don’t qualify for need-based aid.)

Maybe relax a bit? You’re fortunate he has done so well in HS. That would not have happened if he weren’t at all interested in learning. One of the best things you can do at this point is to figure out just how much you are able and willing to pay per year. That should go a long way toward constraining the set of colleges he can realistically consider. I suggest you be objective in calculating that number without attaching too many strings that could ratchet up the tension. Trust that your child will find his own way (with a little help!)

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Not to decide is to decide. She is making a decision- just not the one you want (understandably). Has she ever responded with silence on another topic before? Has she ever shown fear, anxiety,resistance, non-responsiveness before? Are there any other behavioral cha gets? Change in sleep? appetite? Mood? Motivation?

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A slightly different approach-has she been away from home for a few weeks before-camp, etc? If not, that could cause anxiety as well

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I have to say…the college search and selection process is a HUGE decision for students. There are so many choices, especially for a high achieving student. It’s easy to see how it can be overwhelming for some students.

This really is THE biggest decision some 17 and 18 year olds have ever needed to make.

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Sort of, Thumper. Most students would do fine at any one of hundreds of colleges. There really isn’t one perfect school for an applicant-kids likely would adapt to different environments, and if things truly don’t work out, transferring is always an option. While the decision is important, it is not a cataclysmic as seniors fear.

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Keyboard glitch in #30- should say any other behavioral changes.

As for the anxiety- its possible that if a person is prone to anxiety (which is often dealt with by avoidance) the response may be relative to the degree of the source of anxiety… So what you might be seeing is the effect, rather than the cause, of her anxiety. Consider looking past the college decision and look for other possible triggers of anxiety.

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I think I might have been something like this 40 years ago, and my college years were a mess. I probably would have benefited from more and better guidance. I made sure to provide that guidance to my children by researching colleges and presenting them with curated lists of potential colleges. Use the Fiske Guide, the College Navigator (and other NCES statistics), and net price calculators to help you. “Admission Matters” is a good overview of the current college admissions process, if you want a book. Remember that if your financial status qualifies, very expensive and selective colleges may end up not being expensive at all (if your daughter gets in). Your daughter may also qualify for generous merit scholarships at somewhat less selective colleges. I suggest (based on my own experience at very large universities) that you steer her toward smaller colleges where there are fewer choices and where she will not get lost (I may be totally misreading the situation, of course!). But all this must be done ASAP. I agree with whoever suggested setting appointments to discuss college and avoiding the topic at other times. Put a list together for her, let her review it, and set a time to discuss it. Take her to visit a couple of nearby colleges, even if they aren’t being considered. Visit some that are under consideration, if you can (not essential, but nice). Take care of FAFSA and other financial forms. Look at the Common App with her and discuss how she will enter activities, etc. Keep the process as smooth and straightforward as possible. The goal is to have multiple affordable acceptances in the spring, and THEN she can decide what she is doing next year.

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I like many of the suggestions being offered.
However, I would recommend starting with, “would you like our help deciding what you want to do after graduation?” If she says “no” or just rolls her eyes, let her her that you are available if she changes her mind. Also indicate that you’re likely to ask the same question again in the future (as in one month from now).
She’s obviously smart, she’s socially connected, she’ll figure something out. Peer pressure is likely to set in eventually. There’s still time for you to talk about alternatives to college.

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I agree that the admissions process can be incredibly complicated when compared to what we did in our day. Given that, we/parents made an initial list of about 20 schools (consider finances/NPC, location, type, etc) that we’d researched and felt would be good safeties/matches/reaches. We took a few trips for tours and made them fun. Those tours were key in helping our child decide yes/no on a particular school. And it made the prospect exciting and enticing.

Have you spoken with the college counselor at her HS? That person might be very helpful.

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I saw this happen in a family where the last child felt under great pressure to get into the types of schools his two older sisters got into. He wanted to go to that echelon school (the more popular University of Californias) but didn’t think he’d get in. (And was partly right.) He was also uncertain about the major he supposedly felt pressured to pursue. (That was mostly his own projection.)

Parents were frustrated but made him go on some campus tours which prodded some life into him. Ultimately he found a school he liked, tried the major in question, hated it, found another major, and is now happily settled at Oregon State.

Easy does it OP, though make it clear to your son that the decision is HIS to make. And that if he doesn’t start making it soon, he may not be happy with his options come next spring. To ease his burden, you could discuss a gap year, or starting out in community college. The boy I wrote about hated the idea of community college, and it was that option that ultimately pushed him toward a more active college search.

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My friend’s daughter was so overwhelmed by the number options that she didn’t know where/how to start. Her only criteria was that the school be within driving distance (i.e. no more than 5 hours away.) Since they live in NJ, there are a ton of schools that fit this criteria. The mom ended up doing all of the research and even filled out the common app. The daughter wrote the essay. Daughter was admitted to almost all of the schools and the final selection was made primarily on the basis of finances.

Throughout senior year there was continued discussion about whether a gap year was appropriate. Mom had serious concerns about daughter’s maturity given her inability to deal with the college decision. However, daughter matured significantly over the year and is now happily ensconced at an out-of-state school where she is doing beautifully.

My point is - if parents are willing to do the work and the child is not particularly picky - everything can still work out okay.