I’d try to be a good listener. “It sounds like the appeal of x is …” I think it’s fine to say "how does xyz factor into your decision? " it’s also fine to say “if I were going to school, x would appeal to me.” And those things can be ones that your top choice has.
But at the end of the day, it’s their life. And at some point, the going will get tough, and you want them to own it.
Honestly, I think my opinion did matter to my kid - he listened to my input -, but it was his decision. (And he is really happy, which is what mattered most to me.)
My daughter didn’t even apply to our top two choices but she had super valid reasons and was looking for a very specific set of parameters. I do feel confident that she’s landed at the right school for her.
This was not a decision that either my husband or I wanted to own, so we let our daughter decide.
Early in the process, we discussed the finances and agreed upon criteria for value vs. fit. D ended up applying to several UCs (we’re in state), several schools that offered the possibility of generous merit aid, and some reach schools. Even though D was accepted EA to her top reach school she still submitted the rest of her apps in order to make an informed choice and consider all of her options…
With each acceptance, we weighed the cost and the fit, using the UC price tag as a benchmark. Is X school worth Y amount more than Cal or UCLA? Once some merit options came in that put the price of a private top-20 research uni or LAC lower than that of the UCs, those schools became the ones to beat value-wise. (Fit-wise and prestige-wise, her EA school remained the one to beat.)
Ultimately, fit ruled the day, and she made her choice, which – notwithstanding the price tag – happened to be our top choice anyway. All the while I thought that I wasn’t conveying my preferences and was trying to be neutral, but D saw through it and knew my bias…That said, had she stuck to her initial EA choice, I would have also been fine with it…
Each of my kids has had the final say, within our financial reach. I do wish I had pushed D12 harder to investigate her chosen major more in HS. It limited her school choices and she hated the first class.
S19 has 3 top choices. I did tell him that I was surprised about his 3rd choice because it seems like a top choice on paper, based on what he wants. I’d be fine with any of them though we share the same concern about one. It’s his top choice so will be interesting to see what he chooses or where he is accepted.
Mine wanted a small liberal arts college. We are full pay (but didn’t really want to pay full fare-who would?).
Our daughter got into all of her schools except for two Ivies she applied to just because. All offered some degree of merit but one gave her a full tuition scholarship. It was in her top three. It actually would not have been my first choice for her but she was happy. We were thrilled with the cost though!
I had lots of influence on what colleges my kids applied to. I kept totally out of what college they picked. There were some that were way less costly and at least my younger kid felt mildly guilty about not picking the less costly option, but I made it clear that we wanted them to pick the place that was best for them. I was a little sad that my oldest did not pick our alma mater (which might even have been slightly less expensive for us), but we really wanted him to be at the place where he would thrive. He thrived at the college he ended up at. No regrets. Even now I’m not sure if my younger son made the right decision between choice number one and number two. There ended up being a lot of things he didn’t like about the place he attended. I was as up in the air as he was about which was better. Certainly the place he attended was a lot easier to get to. (3 hour drive or train vs having to get on a plane.)
I am just laughing about this. I have discovered… Boys can’t make decisions… Lol…“where do you want to go eat” “I don’t know”. What college is your favorite "“I don’t know”…
My son never let us know his top school. He didn’t get to high or low on any school. I think he did this to sorta protect himself against disappointment. He only had good choices. Once it got down to the last 2 we all knew where he was going to go but he still would not commit. He is definitely a last to the minute dude. I was bored and I am the family researcher so I made the pro /con list. I tried to look up very factual things and compared the engineering programs etc side by side… He decided when we were at a conference and made us suffer. Like called us and said “I decided I want to go to…” then like his connection was bad… Oh well… He made a great decision and is going back for year 2 tomorrow.
I feel if your kid is mature enough let them decide. FYI… We had an extensive excel spreadsheet and discussed financial up front. These two were very close financially.
for us it was very hard because it was clear that dd had a favorite school. Unfortunately after financial aid the school was still a bit too much as much as I agreed it was the best choice otherwise. We did a financial aid appeal which took weeks. During this time dd visited one of the more affordable colleges again and sort of resigned herself to going there. Another one she ruled out even though it was the cheapest. As much as I wanted to say go to your top choice I just couldn’t. It was such as relieve to get the appeal back with additional merit money. Friday dd will be starting at her #1 choice.
With the same caveat most of the others have posted (ie, only affordable choices are on the table):
Leave it alone for now. Completely. Time is your friend: your son will do a lot of growing and changing in the next 6 months, and there is nothing like the reality of the decision to focus the mind.
Example: My husband was unhappy with many of the places that our first collegekid applied to (7 schools in 6 countries, 3 of which would be very challenging, arguably dangerous, locations). Once she had her acceptances she made a short list - all of which, as it turned out, he was perfectly happy with. There was no need to pre-empt her working her way through the process.
Ideally, wait until asked for advice, but at least keep any unsolicited advice until AFTER the admitted student days. Our collegekids have all liked a lot of their choices, but at admitted student day they looked seriously at the place from the point of view of actually living there for 4 years. They also looked around at the other admitted students- their potential future classmates. For one of our collegekids, it was as much the way her final 2 tightly-tied choices hosted the event that made her realize that she had found her place!
Finally, remember that (given that your son’s choices are tightly bunched academically), the difference in the relative strength of the major is going to make less of a difference in his overall career- much less life- than what he does with it. Unless there are actual factual pieces that need to be pointed out(“you say you are really interested in X and that simply doesn’t exist at College Y”) they can make it work.
Once admissions decision were in, we had him sit down and rank his options by writing a pro and con list. The first thing we had him do was write a “fit” list which was useful in the ranking (ranking to the fit). That narrowed 6 to 3. Then he thought much deeper about the 3 and narrowed to 2. Then we went to the admitted students day for both and his decision was easy. He just never got the vibe at one and loved the other.
An aside, my wife and I had tremendous admiration for the one he DIDN"T choose. But they are academic equals, similar costs, similar stellar outcomes so we recognized this is about him and where he would be happy. It has proven to be a great choice. He loves it and is doing well.
I built the big list. We visited 21 schools in total, and I had the kid watch virtual tours of probably a dozen more. Out of those he has narrowed the choices down to 9. I would be content with any of those 9 schools. There are a few my husband and I like a little better than the others, but even the ones we like the least have good things about them. Now there’s only writing the applications and getting in…
My husband didn’t really like kiddo’s top choice - when we visited the parking was terrible and it was monsoon-level rainy. But it’s such a small percentage chance that the kid gets in, I don’t think we will have to worry.
With Kiddo #1, it came down to money. She knew some choices would result in a lot of debt, and despite having liked those schools a lot, she knew it wouldn’t be worth it. We were fortunate because DH and I had concerns that two of her top choices weren’t actually the best schools for her (money aside) but it never came to having to discuss that.
Things are going to be trickier with Kiddo #2. He really hasn’t gotten too excited about any school he’s visited, and one of the ones that he put in his top 3 is DH’s least favorite. It’s the highest ranked school on DS’s list (which honestly isn’t saying much, he isn’t shooting for the stars). But its also the one with the largest class sizes and what DH viewed as an over-the-top emphasis on their grad students. DH is concerned that DS would potentially almost never see some of his professors; it’s just all TAs all of the time. NPC puts it in range, so we could be in for some serious discussions if he gets in there in which we may really try to influence his decision.
Whatever you ultimately decide, just remember one thing. Never co-sign private loans over to him to pay tuition. This is a debt trap that’s especially common for private and out of state schools. Prestige is really just an irrational emotion. What he’s ultimately getting is a bachelors degree, and no bachelors degree is worth $200,000. Prestige should be last on your criteria. The first criteria is affordability and value. That requires number crunching. The second is a list of desired potential majors, and most schools will fit that bill fine. The third is vibe and atmosphere. I guarantee, once you crunch numbers, your list of colleges will change drastically. If he’s a little disappointed, that’s good, because that’s the first step in learning to think like a down-to-earth adult.
“I feel one of his choices is more highly ranked (but it’s not about prestige as all these schools are just “average” colleges), as well as being a good fit.”
If a college has an advantage in fit, prestige and affordability, it’s going to be tough for your son not to favor it, at least for now. As someone said, things change, especially in minds of teenagers, so see what he’s thinking closer to decision time.
I see nothing wrong with parents being part of the decision-making process. Would you let your 18 year old purchase a house on their own with no guidance or input? Some colleges cost more than our first home! They don’t have the life experience to see the big picture, and helping a student find an affordable college is part of a parent’s job, in my opinion. Undergrad goes by so quickly; if your student thinks he may attend grad school, that should be factored in as well.
Ultimately, it needs to be his decision. You don’t want your child to blame you if things don’t work out (I wanted to go to X and you made me go to Y and it stinks). I agree that parental input is important and some explanation of why you think Y is better than X is fine. But as long as the schools are afforable and acceptable, the kid get to choose.
@chercheur Hopefully those decisions and limitations can be discussed before the list of schools to apply to is finalized. If kids know going in what the budget or limitations are, then they can still choose among the final options.
I completely agree with you @intparent . The problem is when a student has a few top choices and can’t make a decision. My son was in that position, and he would have done well at any of the 3 colleges. We, as parents, really had to do more research and dig into the numbers to get a better picture of each college, and we discussed the information we found with our student. It would have been wonderful for him to do the research himself, but the spring of senior year was jam-packed with a varsity sport, 5 AP classes, robotics competitions, etc. If we had let him make the decision completely on his own, he would have gone to the same college all of his friends selected and been done with it. I guess what I’m trying to say is if your student is having trouble selecting a college, it’s perfectly alright for a parent to help with the decision.
We honestly made out kids make time. If they had to miss a big tournament or something spring of sr year for accepted student visits at their final top choices, then they missed it. As far as we were concerned, the college decision trumped anything else on their calendar. After accepted student visits, our kids were well positioned to make their own choice.