Parent Refuses to Help with College?

Paying for College
1

<p>For most of my high school career, I have been under the impression that my mother would make a genuine effort to assist me, financially, with college. She has continually reassured me of my financial security (with her earning 160,000 dollars per year) regarding this issue and has asserted that she would be more than ready to pay for at least half, if not more, of my college tuition. However, our relationship has become progressively terse and she more critical of me as a person. This week she has blamed me for her several unhappy marriages and blames me still for eliciting within her a feeling of “confinement” and “repression”. She has blatantly stated within recent months that she considers me a “loser” and that I will invariably “move back into the house” after receiving a college education. I am sure that from an objective point-of-view, I am far from a complete failure. I have a 3.98 GPA, have consistently taken AP and Honors classes, am a member of NHS, am Editor-in-Chief of the school newspaper, am President of my high school’s Amnesty International student group, Vice President of Model UN, Founder and President of Book Club, Secretary of Key Club, play Varsity Lacrosse, and have continuously made trips back to China in order to teach English to disadvantaged families and promote awareness regarding the social stratification that exists there. </p>

<p>I think you can understand how unprepared I was for my mother’s allegations, especially since I there is no conflict of ideology, no conflict regarding priority, no conflict with crime/drug use. Only a conflict of perspective. She dislikes my personality, has told me so, and bemoans the fact that I think too much in “theory” and too little “in solvency”. Whenever I move to talk about literature or attempt to engage her in a conversation about politics and reform, things that are important to me, she dismisses it as “talking stupid”. Why? I have no idea. I have since ceased my efforts to have even a marginally profound discussion with her.</p>

<p>Of course, she has found more petty things to cling onto and squabble over, such as my lack of success on my SAT II Biology test and my struggles with AP Chemistry. Anything she can find a foothold on, really. She has now declared that since I cannot comprehend or, for that matter, appreciate the strife she went through to come to this country, I do not deserve her help. She has refused to assist me with my tuition. My stepfather does not see it as his responsibility and, overall, would much rather stay on my mother’s good side. I do have a job working part-time at a restaurant on the weekends, but I only earn enough to pay for insurance and gas. If I had known I would be in this sort of situation right now, I would have gotten another job in order to work longer hours and support myself through college. But I have been left, quite abruptly, on my own. To be honest with you, I don’t know what to do with myself right now. Should I not attend college immediately after graduation in order to work for tuition? I cannot file for abandonment, as my parents A.) are in contact with me and B.) are attending to my essential needs. </p>

<p>Any advice on how, exactly, to manage myself would be very much appreciated. </p>

<p>P.S. I have not had contact with my biological father since the age of two and, seeing as he is a navy officer in the Chinese Army, I doubt he would have any leverage in this sort of situation.</p>

2

<ol>
<li><p>Get a copy of "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and read it.</p></li>
<li><p>Apply to a few top-10 colleges as well as a few lower ranked schools that are likely to give you a lot of aid. When it comes down to it, I have a feeling that whatever her opinion is of your work ethic, your mother will gladly shell out a couple hundred grand so she can tell her friends that her child goes to Harvard or wherever.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>JMHO.</p>

3

<p>Lskinner your comment was mindless and thoughtless " How to Win Friends and Influence People". Sounds like you should read it.
Are you so shocked that there are young people out there with crazy parents?
Don't let this get you down tagore though this is a tough situation. I would not rely on her kindness however I would hang in there for as long as I could taking advantage of free room and board. Try to find a school that offers grants. Try to find scholarships. Speak with a financial aid expert at one of your desired schools. I wish someone on this board with financial aid expertise would chime in! This is more typical than one might think. Good Luck!!!! Stay strong.</p>

4

<p>But seriously --</p>

<p>It sounds like your mother is having some emotional problems. Serious ones, like depression. It may be because she's afraid of losing you, it may be because she's jealous of your opportunities. Or, it may be because of a chemical imbalance that is making her act in a bizarre manner. And this truly does sound bizarre, espcially since it seems to have come out of the blue. (You mentioned that "for most of your high school career, [you've] been under the impression that [your] mother would make a genuine effort to assist me, financially, with college."</p>

<p>You might consider speaking to your mother's doctor, if that's at all possible, to make him/her aware of the dramatic change in her behavior. Perhaps that will lead to some treatment.</p>

<p>But don't hold your breath on that one.</p>

<p>There are people better qualified than I am to help you figure out how to go to college and how to afford it. From my perspective, my advice is in the category of "How to Understand What's Going on and Deal With It." </p>

<p>Something has happened in your mother, and it has nothing to do with you or your behavior. Nothing you say or do will make your mother change her behavior, because it is not rational. You're going to need to rely on others -- guidance counselors, teachers, parents of friends -- to help you with the college admission and financing process. </p>

<p>Not to sound harsh, but the sooner you realize this, the better. </p>

<p>I'm very sorry about this. But distance yourself and move on.</p>

5

<p>Seriously people, there is no way to know the true nature of this parent/child relationship without "being there". </p>

<p>tagore, my best advice to you is to apply to lower tier schools that offer lots of merit aid (like full rides) - if your stats are very good and you have other accomplishments (which it sounds like you do) - you very likely could receive a generous scholarship. Also apply to the other more competitve schools - perhaps Mom is just bluffing and will come through with the money. Either way, go forward, do well and be happy. We can't control other people - we can only control ourselves and our responses to others.</p>

6

<p>I agree with Pearl's advice. Find schools where you are competitive for full scholarships and/or where your loan burden would be manageable. Sure, there's a chance she'll change her mind, but it will be helpful to have these options. There's a ton of information on this board about schools where you'll be competitive for the great scholarships.</p>

7

<p>
[quote]
Are you so shocked that there are young people out there with crazy parents?

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Absolutely not. In my job, I deal with people all the time, including people who are crazy or neurotic. I constantly have to attempt to influence these people to behave reasonably.</p>

<p>One solution to Tagore's problem is to convince his or her mother to help pay for college. From the description of the situation, it sounds to me like there's a good chance the mother will pay if Tagore deals with her properly.</p>

<p>I stand behind my advice 100%.</p>

8

<p>I agree that you should pursue merit aid. Because your mother's income is so high, you'll probably not qualify for need-based financial aid.</p>

9

<p>you have several avenues you can follow -- and I would suggest you actually try more than one.</p>

<p>I am assuming you are a rising senior, which doesn't give you much time -- but it does give you a little time.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Do an extensive search of colleges that provide MERIT aid and where you are at the top of the student pool. There are many, many threads here on CC with excellent information. Financial aid will not help you -- but merit aid will, since it is not dependent on your financial need. Take notes, compile a list and see what schools you can find.</p></li>
<li><p>Do some extensive research on the college application process along with the system used to pay for college. Read some books (the home page of college confidential has some great suggestions). make sure you understand the processes. Again, reading CC will give you lots of great info.</p></li>
<li><p>Consider some options where others pay for your schooling -- Deep Springs, Olin, the Service Academies and a few other schools are free for admitted students. Getting admitted is the hard part -- but see if any interest you. Consider an ROTC scholarship that pays for schooling -- it is at least worth considering even if you have never thought of being in the military.</p></li>
<li><p>Apply to outside scholarships -- do some research and find scholarships that do not have financial need as a component (or it is a very small component). Set aside time each week to work on scholarship research or essays.</p></li>
<li><p>Consider a gap year -- you could work at a job and save money, or work for Americorps and attend a school that matches the Americorps grant. There are several options that would allow you to get some money that could be used towards school.</p></li>
<li><p>Consider taking community college classes and AP/IB classes that will transfer to college (you have to research, not all college accept CC classes). you could graduate in just 3 years (or even 2 1/2) if you transfer in enough credits and that would save quite a bit of cash.</p></li>
<li><p>Community College for two years and then transferring is always an option -- it may not be what you want, but it might work out well as a fallback plan.</p></li>
<li><p>Take a look at college that have co-op systems, where you take classes and then work (and earn money).</p></li>
<li><p>My last suggestion would be that you do your best with you mother and try to be whoever she wants you to be when you are in her presence -- it might be deceitful, but it might be the only way to get her cooperation. if there is a possibility of salvaging the relationship I would suggest you give it a try. Once you go away to college -- you can spend as little time as possible with her. One warning -- even if she seems like she will agree to pay for school, I would have a back-up plan. Too many kids have parents decide at the last minute not to pay for school and that leaves them out in the cold.</p></li>
</ol>

10

<p>I think i might be alone on this, but instead of focusing on how to get to college maybe the OP should focus on how to get along better with his mother. Clearly there's a problem there, and it doesn't matter what happen the OP mother IS his mother, and if his mother is having problem i think it's more important to deal with that than to deal with school problem, who says he has to go to a univeristy, if he can't cope with the money, go to a community college then transfer later.</p>

<p>If i was in the OP shoe i'll talk with my mother and figure out what's wrong. Clearly the OP is doing WAYYYY too much (from the way he list things that he's doing), and not spending time with his mother, that's why it turned sour.</p>

11

<p>
[quote]
I think i might be alone on this, but instead of focusing on how to get to college maybe the OP should focus on how to get along better with his mother.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Not totally alone -- I think the OP should do both.</p>

<p>Here's a clue from the original post:</p>

<p>
[quote]
Whenever I move to talk about literature or attempt to engage her in a conversation about politics and reform, things that are important to me, she dismisses it as “talking stupid”. Why? I have no idea.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>A good salesman knows that you bait your hook to catch your fish. Personally, I don't like the idea of eating worms. But fish do, and that's why, if I were going fishing, I would put worms on the hook.</p>

<p>So if mom is interested in talking about what she will wear tomorrow, and you are interested in literature, for goodness' sake talk about fashion with her. Tell her what colors look best on her. Ask her if she likes the cut of your dress. And follow her advice, at least as far as she knows. Trust me, this will work wonders.</p>

<p>I also think it's a good idea to have a backup plan.</p>

12

<p>Thank you all for your advice! I've gotten the go-ahead from West Point and the Air Force Academy to start preparing for my CFA. Thank goodness I kept my candidate log-ins even after my mom told me to throw them away. Also, it is not as if I am neglecting my mother. She works constantly and when she's off work, she's at jazzercise. If not at the country club, she's at home analyzing the stock market and investing on her laptop, staying up till twelve most nights. She's very money-focused and has some sort of addiction with investment, if that's even possible. It's just not a topic I'm familiar with...but maybe I can read one of her Jim Kramer books and BS about Crocs and Walmart. </p>

<p>Anyway, I'll definitely be looking into scholarships if I choose not to attend one of the service academies. Just let the pieces fall whre they may, right?</p>

13

<p>tagore -- that is great about West Point and AFA!</p>

<p>Do you best to mend relationships with your mom -- even if you don't need money from her for college, it is always good to have good relationships with family members.</p>

<p>Make sure you have several plans of attack for school -- if you are lucky, they will all work out and you will have good choices come the spring of senior year. </p>

<p>Best of Luck!</p>

14

<p>Drew University, the College of Wooster, Ohio Wesleyan University, and McDaniel College are all good backup schools/safeties that give out great merit aid. I had a 3.2 GPA (mostly AP and G/T classes) and 2210 on my SATs (no SAT II's, though I think you can include those) and I got $15,000 per year from ALL of them except Drew, which gave me $20,460 a year (weird number). The qualifying stat for their higher merit aid awards is 3.5 GPA, so I think you're a prime candidate. Best of luck.</p>

15

<p>It should be against the law for a parent who makes $160,000 per year not to pay for their child's tuition. I equate this with child abuse.</p>

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<p>Spoken like a spoiled child.</p>

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<p>I am not spoiled. My college isn't being paid for, but that's because my parents have a reason - they don't make 160,000 a year. Not even close to half that much. It seems like the mom wishes she never had a kid. I just can't imagine a parent acting so juvenile and bitter to their own child.</p>

18

<p>My kids face same situation with their dad. He makes over 500k, yet refuses to help with their college education, although he wants to be the decision maker in all aspects of their selection process. His purpose is to punish me - because he knows that I will do whatever I can, to help them with their dreams, even though I make a 10th of what he does. Sometimes intelligent people (my ex, the OP's mother) just make strange decisions. </p>

<p>It is unfortunate, and discouraging for them. I encourage them to keep the door open with their relationship. In the meantime, my kids, and the original OP, can look at themselves in the mirror every day and be proud of who they are and what they stand for.</p>

19

<p>"It should be against the law for a parent who makes $160,000 per year not to pay for their child's tuition. I equate this with child abuse."</p>

<p>I disagree. It's the parents' money, and it's their decision to decide whether to use it to fund the education of their adult offspring.</p>

<p>Also, people who really want to go to college in the U.S. can find a way to do so even if that means going part time while working.</p>

<p>While H and I don't make $160 k, we're not paying anything for our very beloved younger S's first year of college? Why? His grades tanked senior year of h.s. (by "tanked," I meant that we didn't if know our kid -- 99th percentile on the SAT -- was graduating until days before graduation) despite our warning him that such grades would be cause for our not paying for college until he proved that he was mature enough to get decent grades.</p>

<p>I would be royally ticked off if the government were making us pay for his education.</p>

<p>When we see tales here about students complaining about parents who won't pay, it's also important to know that we're hearing only one side of the story. The parents' version may be very different.</p>

<p>I do know from my personal experience that some parents refuse to pay just out of stinginess and meanness. That is what my dad, a dentist, did to me. I ended up working from senior year in high school through college, including 60 hours a week one summer, in order to help pay for college, but I still don't think that the gov't should have forced my dad to use his income to pay for my college. Having known victims of child abuse, I also don't equate my dad's behavior with child abuse.</p>

20

<p>But it seems as if you had some kind of warning that your dad would not pay for your education. You could prepare.</p>