<p>I had expected it all along, and had planned and saved accordingly. It was still a rude slap in the face for my kids.</p>
<p>"Whenever I move to talk about literature or attempt to engage her in a conversation about politics and reform, things that are important to me, she dismisses it as talking stupid. Why? I have no idea."</p>
<p>Why do you insist on talking to your mom about things that clearly don't interest her? I am wondering if she is refusing to pay for your college because she thinks you are trying to force her to act more like the kind of educated person whom you view yourself as being. I think I'm catching a tinge in your post of your possibly looking down on your mom for not being interested in some of the things that you are passionate about.</p>
<p>I agree with whomever suggested that you talk to your mom about things that interest her. You can't change her tastes. You may, however, be able to have a cordial relationship with her.</p>
<p>My own husband has insisted for 30 years on talking to me about sports. He will go on and on an on about sports even though I hate sports and always have. He seems to have the idea that if he talks enough about them, I'l be interested. I won't ever be interested in sports. I am very irritated by his continued insisting on talking to me about them. There's a chance that your mom is reacting to your conversations a similar way.</p>
<p>If your mother is making $160 k, she sounds like a very bright person. Why not talk to her about her business or something similar?</p>
<p>Also, have you ever expressed appreciation to her for raising you as a single parent? Have you ever expressed admiration for her for doing so well professionally? Sincerely doing such things might help strengthen your relationship with her including encouraging her to appreciate the good things about you.</p>
<p>You say your mom thinks you are a loser - so if you get into a top 25 school you'll prove her wrong. </p>
<p>Then she'll gladly shell out cash for college.</p>
<p>BTW, to whoever said it, if you think not paying 40,000 dollars of tuition a year is child abuse, you've probably had several advantages in your life that skews your perception. Unless you were semi-kidding.</p>
<p>High school guidance counselors have their limitations, but most do know their own state's public universities pretty well.</p>
<p>I would suggest going to your GC and explaining that your parents won't be contributing to your college costs and that you're applying to the service academies. However, you realize that you need backups in case the academies don't work out. Would there be any possibility of a merit scholarship for a person of your particular credentials somewhere within the state system? Your GC might be able to tell you.</p>
<p>For the folks who are trying to second guess whether the OP is a not telling the whole story, is an ungrateful child, etc., let me ask you to not assume.</p>
<p>Some tough dynamic is going on here, but without a lot of details, we don't know, and we shouldn't blame someone who asked for practical advice on how to proceed. The original post was very solution directed.</p>
<p>As to the mother's behavior, these situations happen. I know - I had something very similar happen to me after I was accepted to college. </p>
<p>Lots of good advice here -
Chase the merit scholarships.</p>
<p>If there's a way get along better with your mom (even if it's just staying out of her way), that's great, do what you can.</p>
<p>If a prestige college interests you and you feel like you have a chance, it might be worth applying to see if that would open her wallet. But if college prestige is not important to her, and you can't get merit, not worth the effort.</p>
<p>Also - talk with your school guidance counselor. He or she may have some information that would be of help both regarding college, and handling the situation at home. If there are family members your mom respects who might be able to help persuade her that it's appropriate for her to assist you, talk with them. If you're worried about your mom, regardless of the college aspect of this, talk with them.</p>
<p>Hang in there. Keep your eye on your goal of getting to college. It may be a struggle, but is likely to be worth the struggle.</p>
<p>I always get a little angry whenever I see threads like this. There is such a simple answer: ROTC.</p>
<p>I also had parents who failed to provide financial support for college, even though they were able to. Here's how I got through without them: I attended the University of California, got scholarships for some of the expenses, got student loans for some of the expenses and got on-campus jobs for the rest (30 hours per week during the school year and I could study during some of the jobs). The best on-campus job is being a resident advisor in a dorm, once you are a sophomore. It's interesting work, with a minimal time commitment and free room and board. I did not have a car during college. I worked 2 jobs every summer. In the end, I was able to pull it together by myself. My relationship with my parents never recovered, but I learned what it meant to work hard and I truly appreciated the opportunity I had to go to college. You can do it yourself if you are motivated.</p>
<p>
[quote]
It should be against the law for a parent who makes $160,000 per year not to pay for their child's tuition. I equate this with child abuse.
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</p>
<p>I don't know why a lot of people are disagreeing with this. This is closing doors on opportunities, plain and simple. And for <em>what</em> good reason? Northstarmom brings up a good example, and I agree that it shouldn't literally be against the law...it's not an area for government to intervene, if you want to debate the political perspective. But come on - objectively, how horrible a thing is that to do to an accomplished student? </p>
<p>Don't limit your scope. Sure, apply to colleges where you will likely receive a good amount of merit aid, but don't "settle." Shoot for your top choice schools, and make your list as if money weren't an issue, with a few allowances so you do have that financial fallback option. Don't attend a community college because of this! It's a completely lousy reason to limit yourself.</p>
<p>Besides, there are other problems here besides where you are going to go to school. If you find a way to pay for school yourself, does that fix your relationship with your mother? Talk to her, try and understand where she's coming from, and try to make her understand you...these are issues that nobody on this board can understand or help you solve, and in the end they're more important than where you go to college.</p>
<p>I'd say focus your energies on finding a way to resolve that issue rather than on finding contingency plans to support yourself through college. You don't want to spend the rest of your life with feelings of bitterness toward your mother, do you?</p>
<p>See a therapist?</p>
<p>
[quote]
I always get a little angry whenever I see threads like this. There is such a simple answer: ROTC.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>The military isn't for everyone. There are other ways. </p>
<p>Although, clearly, the OP is pretty interested in serving as he's got plans to apply to West Point/AFA.</p>
<p>With stats like those, OP, you have a ton of options even if your mother refuses to pay a cent, not just the service academies. There are a boatload of schools who would be clamoring to give you a full ride. You do sound a little snobby, though - the question is, will you be willing to settle for anything other than what you percieve as the "best"? Don't know. But you have many doors open for you. It's not your mom's job to pay for college. You're an adult now. I agree with posters to apply to those schools where you have a good chance of getting full scholarships (or close to) and several other schools that interest you. There is always the chance that your mother is bluffing, but if she isn't, don't get too upset. </p>
<p>I wish you the best in repairing your relationship with your mother, but I know from experience that it won't happen if you feel like she is withholding something you are entitled to. The sooner you learn the world doesn't owe you anything, the better off you'll be. </p>
<p>Sorry for the harsh post, but I've been there, done that :/. Life sucks...gotta get on with it.</p>
<p>I feel your pain, though my situation is somewhat different from yours. I'm just surprised to find on CC that someone has such a crumbled family as I do... It's very hard to be in a situation like yours. It's so scary to know that you may really be by yourself, alone. What have made you work hard? What have you depended on? What have been your motivations? I want to know. I almost feel like I wish we were in the same school...</p>
<p>zoogie, if the parents are force to pay for the kid's college (in addition to providing whatever other advantages come with a $160K income over 18 years of childrearing), would you also agree that that same kid should be forced to pay for their parents' comfortable retirement in whatever retirement community they wish to live?</p>
<p>Didn't think so.</p>
<p>But if you don't pay for your kid's college when you can afford to, you can't be too surprised when you end up in the bottom of the line nursing home with not visitors. ;) My family makes about 18K a year to support 4 people, and I still get money from them towards books. Granted, I just send it back, but that's not the point. I would have no respect for my parents if they had every reason in the world to help me for college and simply refused to do it. </p>
<p>I have a good friend who is basically a superhero. His passion is human rights and law- he even got a rather prestigious internship at the UN and has spoken in front of the UN Millennium Development Commission. Kofi Annan even heard him speak. You'd never meet a more eloquent person than this guy. He would be our future president, without a doubt, if only he hadn't been born and raised in India until he was 12 (and you would never know- he doesn't even have a trace of an accent.. and I know people who moved to this country when they were 3 and you can still hear a bit in their voice). </p>
<p>However, since he is not studying premed, his father (who makes over 200K a year), will not pay a cent. So, he works for the school in an office job and is also an RA next year. On top of that, he takes 5 classes a semester (recommended is 4), was the freshman senator, gives tours, is involved in many extracurriculars, and still has an active and full social life. </p>
<p>This is actually a common story at my school. That's part of the reason why pre-med is such a popular major. In one of my classes, my professor asked how many people were pre-med and about half the class raised their hand. When he asked how many people wanted to be, only one person raised their hand. And so it goes.</p>
<p>My son was offered $18,000/year in merit aid at Stonehill College, and his stats weren't quite as good as yours. I agree with some of the others - apply to a few top schools, because your mother may want to brag that her daughter is attending School X. But also apply to a few lower tier schools that give merit aid. </p>
<p>At our high school, last year's Salutatorian and this year's Valedictorian both got $28,000/year (almost full ride) MERIT scholarships at Providence College. So there is money out there. You're more likely to get big money from a slightly lower ranked school, and you can still get a great education - especially since you'd probably be offered a spot in their honors program.</p>
<p>There's also your in-state universities, which should be more affordable. Is there one you could commute to? (although I wouldn't blame you for wanting to get as far away from your mother as possible! It might be the healthiest thing you can do!)</p>
<p>It might help to work on your mom's anxiety that you won't have a marketable degree. Research some careers in whatever you're planning to major in. The Department of Labor has good resources where they show you what the starting and median salaries are for different careers and how much job growth is expected in that job title over the next 7 years or so.</p>
<p>If you can show her a solid plan, that investing x dollars in education is likely to pay off with y future earnings, it may help ease any misgivings both about your career and about whether you're being practical. If you can show her average annual earnings of a college graduate vs. a high school student, and add up the difference it will make by HER retirement, you can show her that an investment now will make it much easier for you to help her later.</p>
<p>"But if you don't pay for your kid's college when you can afford to, you can't be too surprised when you end up in the bottom of the line nursing home with not visitors."</p>
<p>I know you are kidding, but I have friends whose parents paid for their education, and friends whose parents refused to pay. I haven't seen any difference in how either type of friends helped out with their parents in old age.</p>
<p>Some of my friends whose parents actually not only didn't pay, but also were abusive, have done things like taken aged, ill parents into their homes and have treated them well.</p>
<p>I suspect -- though haven't seen-- that there are people whose parents went out of their way to be supportive, but who are such selfish adults that they basically kicked their parents to the curve after their education was paid for.</p>
<p>I don't think that being nice to parents correlates with how much $ the parents invested in one's education. What it comes down to is the characters of the offspring, not necessarily the parents' characters.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Get a copy of "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and read it.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>When I read the original post, I immediately thought of this same book. Eerie.</p>
<p>I don't believe it is a parent's duty to pay for school. I believe that our society has made it that way. I've had to pay for school on my own and because of that I've had to take some time off to work, but that is because I didn't fully prepare myself when I was in high school. I think the one realistic thing to do is to claim yourself independent legally. This will allow you to receive financial aid. If your GPA is high and you are strong in your community and your work ethic, scholarships should not be hard to find. </p>
<p>I do think it sucks that she won't help when she has the money to do so. My daughter is two and my husband and I have already planned out what we can do to help her. We are not giving her college money though. We are giving her life money. If she wants to go to college then fine, due to my husband's career she'll have some good prices at certain schools. If she decides she wants to take the money and just go live for a year or two, great.</p>
<p>just because she's pulling this sillyness now doesn't mean that she will when you force her to actually take action. don't listen to her and aim high. get to know a high school guidance counselor who can provide the support and encouragement that she is denying you. tell them what is going on, get them on your side. </p>
<p>when you have a few acceptances in hand, she'll be forced to actually make a decision. the difference between what people say they'll do and what they actually end up doing are two different things. when reality hits where she's sitting there with paperwork that basically amounts to "do you want to help your child to succeed or not?" a lot more soul searching will go into the decision than has gone into her current behavior.</p>
<p>worst case scenario, make sure you have some state schools in there. even without financial backing from the parents, it can be quite affordable; especially with merit scholarships.</p>
<p>whatever you do. <em>do not let her behavior prevent you from applying anywhere that you really want to go.</em> get the acceptances, deal with the money when the time comes. you never know what options may avail themselves to you.</p>
<p>While what a-dub suggests is possible in terms of your mom's changing her mind, there have been many examples here on CC of parents who refused to pay anything for their kids' college education s even when the kids had excelled in school and had gotten into top colleges.</p>
<p>Bottom line: Wherever you apply make sure that you also apply to colleges where you know you'll be accepted, can afford and would enjoy attending.</p>