Parent who "knows everything"

Parent Cafe
21

Can you uncle’s help or any family friend. A meeting with your GC. It sounds like she is off her rocker. Is she always like this with everything or is it just college? What does 1984 pope edition mean? How does she think you are going to pay for trade school? Doesn’t she know engineering is math and science? Just say you are studying engineering.

What money do you have to work with on what level of income? What are you stats, I don’t want to hunt for them, thanks. Maybe you qualify for one of the full rides and you can just get out of this situation.

22

Since your mom is looking at her brothers’ experiences as the benchmark, is there a way to get them to talk to her? If They were in college in the 60s and 70s so they could have kids who have been to college. They may be able to get through to your mom and tell her about the current financial reality being that kids can’t work their way through college.

23

@BrownParent My mom has thrown out 5k as a figure, although I doubt she’s put careful consideration into it. Her and my stepfather make around 80k a year. I have two or three siblings in college also (I do not know if one of my siblings will continue their education or not). No siblings living at home. No xfactor when it comes to finances such as a farm or business.

24

How are they funding their education?

25

@GMTplus7 One is from a different father and one of them is a stepsibiling. One gets free tuition because of their father’s job (I don’t know the particulars) while the other had his mom listed as custodial parent and she lived off of social security so he gets free tuition due to a low-income program.

26

okay, can your siblings help with this issue? Does the stepfather realize this is crazy behavior? I don’t think just because we are parents we know how to deal with headcases. Yes, how are they paying.

I would just apply to those schools, ND and Chicago and a couple instate just so you have some acceptances. Also any full tuition and full ride that you qualify for. Keep quiet about it if you have to, or just say you may get some aid after all. Say the other colleges are needed so you can have offers to negotiate with other ones. Just say lets see how it goes. Say you are going to look to do engineering or transfer into it. After you have acceptances then is the time to lobby for Chicago or ND and try to get a visit. You need to keep low profile and get CSS Profile and fafsa filed.

On your own you can borrow 5,500 freshman year only.

27

@brownparent By 1984: Pope Edition, I assume she meant it was like a Catholic indoctrination place.

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@BrownParent, @BurgerMan1, I think she was referring to George Orwell’s book 1984; but instead of the government monitoring the students, it would be the Catholic Church.

29

Eh, it is pretty much like any other college. I have a young friend who is agnostic and she is enjoying it.

I guess in your mom’s case it was a mistake to share about costs until after all the paperwork can get filed for the year. Maybe you can be low key for awhile.

30

First, thank you for sharing your concerns and worries.

I think it’s nice that you’re getting feedback from other posters about your situation. This will allow you to consider your options and to think accordingly for the moment.

What I particularly like about how you handled this situation, was your ability/attempt to remain as calm as possible and to not tell your mother to “shut up” and to “get out of [your] face.” This is really hard to do (even for adults) in a heated, lively argument, so good on you.

Keep in mind that what you presented and wrote so far was from your own personal perspective. I haven’t read, heard (or listened) to your mother’s side of the story (nor has anyone else here on this board).

Now, I’m not suggesting that you’re wrong in any way. The fact that you played a recording of the conversation shows that you are one who values logical thinking and is solution-oriented, and those are fine, admirable qualities.

I think it’s best that you continue to engage in conversations with your mother and to keep the lines of communication open. This time, when approaching your mother, I want you to keep a few wrinkles in mind.

A proverb states that “the insight of a man certainly slows down his anger.”

When you’re engaging in a heated argument, it’s easy to react to every word given by your mother. Usually like you alluded to, this would only lead to an escalation of the problem. When listening to your mother this time, try to not only listen to the words that she is saying, but also the feelings behind the words. Such insight may help you to see past personal annoyances and get to the root of the problem.

“She thought because her brothers, who in the 60’s and 70’s, paid for their college with a job their senior year+summer work in HS, there is no reason why I can’t do the same. Her idea of college education is going to the nearby state university, studying a “career major” (not sure what the real term is) like Accounting and Engineering or trade school, getting a job, end of story … The kicker here is that anytime I try to talk to her about colleges she insists on these previous points and yells at me for “arguing with her” and begins crying and screaming at me because I’m a “disrespectful expletive who hates his mom”. I’ve recorded my conversations with her on this and played for her, showing that I was polite, calm, and amicable while she was interrupting, hostile and name-calling. This only results in more insults hurled my way for thinking I can “get away with such blatant disobedience” and her telling me to “MOVE OUT WHEN YOU TURN EIGHTEEN!!!”

While you may hear and think the above, if you listen attentively, you may not find that she is really talking about location of colleges, a safe career choice or you being a parent hater. Instead, she may be asking for reassurances that you will not leave her. She may want to know that she’ll always stay connected to you and that she’ll always be with you. You’d be surprised about the strong maternal bond mothers have for their son and daughter. The mere mention of you going away (it’s not your fault as you’re growing up and moving on) may be enough to make her whole world and existence crumble before her eyes. Just be open to that sliver of possibility (as silly as this whole paragraph may sound to you) and that this may be what’s going through her mind.

A few principles when continuing with productive conversations with your mother:

  • Find an open time to bring out the matter again. When things have calmed down and sufficient time has passed (where emotions are not in play), a nice window to resume talking may present itself. If you feel a written letter will best formulate and articulate your thoughts, then that is an option you can hold in play.
  • Perceive the real issue at hand. This will mean that you will have to act with insight, and to not provide a reactionary, knee-jerk reaction. How? Be quick to listen, and slow about speaking. Just sitting there and listening (yes, it's going to be tough), can be assurances that you are listening to her real concerns and worries.
  • Continue to choose your words carefully and deliver them in a respectful tone. Sometimes what teenagers say may not be what parents perceive them to be. Your mother might notice your sad disposition. She may inquire: “Why are you so sad?” You may say: “I don't want to talk about it.” Your parents may hear: “I don't trust in you to confide you with my problems.” Think of your mother as your ally and not your enemy. You'll need all the moral support regardless of where you decide to go to college.
  • Be willing to apologize. If you feel you may have done anything to escalate the problem (intentional or unintentional), you'd be surprised by what a simple, yet sincere “I'm sorry” can do to diffuse a tense situation (no ego-laced apologies, as she will smell it a mile away). Perhaps being sorry that there is a conflict in the first place could be a starting point, and may help to assist in easing the situation and lead to a better outcome.

It will be tough, and no one can give any guarantees, but do your best to keep the conversation rolling and to steer it towards a productive, satisfactory one.

31

Upon reflection, I am not really sure you are going to get enough funds from the colleges you are thinking from with around 80k income. It is unclear how many you can really claim are in college. It doesn’t hurt to have a couple applications in but I don’t think you can go in confidently expecting an admission that will be affordable. She is saying something like 5 but you may be asked to pay something like 15

32

@BurgerMan1 I love some of this.

“Notre Dame is 1984: Pope Edition” LOL. My VP who sends his son there would get a huge charge out of that. Although I have heard some of those statues around campus are formidable and rather intimidating.

“Chicago is a dangerous war zone where college kids are killed for sport” - sure hope not. A high ranking administrator at DePaul recently filled us in on what he felt was the most appropriate description of the situation and tactics for managing it.

The way it was explained to us, many from around Chicago flock to the Lincoln Park area on weekends for partying etc. IF students are out on city streets late, like after 12:00 or 1:00 a.m., and IF they are walking alone or not paying attention to their surroundings, then yes, students have been robbed. Some prudence and the buddy system go a long way.

Same with commuting between the DePaul Lincoln Park and Loop campuses at night, for example. Apparently, most or all of the classes at the Loop campus wrap up during the same fairly short window of time. IF students dally too much getting to the train before it gets very late, and IF they are walking alone or not paying attention to their surrounding, then yes they are incurring a security risk. But that’s true of our own downtown where we live.

There are 12 universities in the downtown Chicago Loop area alone, so obviously students have figured out the lay of the land or it would be a ghost town down there.

I’m sure your Mom is a fundamentally good person and well intentioned, but she sounds exactly what mine was like at that age and through my 20’s, and some degree even today. I know it’s hard to establish boundaries, but you owe it to yourself - with counseling if you need to - so that when you’re pushing 50 like I am, you aren’t using up too much mental energy on this stuff.

That said, at 18 it is true there is still a lot to learn, so maybe try to internalize the best and shut out the rest. I just had to explain to my mom, who is in her mid-70’s, why starting out at a 2-year junior/community college and then transferring to a more expensive 4-year school is much less practical today than it was 30 years ago, and that you can say bye-bye to any decent merit aid at the 4-year so I think you come out behind. Please you may take longer to finish (more $$) if the transfer of credits isn’t spot-on. When I saw this was going in one ear and coming out the other, I simply changed the subject.

Hope this helps a little.

33

@Brownparent I did the NPC with my mother/stepdad’s current earnings and that’s what came out. If they count my father in as well then I’m unable to go to their university. Hopefully they’ll accept my waiver, although having no proof of abuse and abandonment seems to be a problem for me.

I’ve tried getting her to find someone to sign a common app fee waiver but she refuses to do that, so no shotgunning for Financial Aid.

34

I don’t think you will get fee waiver at that income.

35

Speak to your guidance counselor. Come up with some reasonably priced schools, nearby. Ask him/her to maybe run interference.

Plan B: Consider Community College for 2 years. It will give mom a chance to come around, it will save you some money, and it will give you the chance to get some credits under your belt while mom realizes that it’s not all the way she thought it was.

36

How will you pay for the applications or ACT reporting? You might consider schools that will give you a full ride with your stats. Otherwise I agree, you may need to choose a local school.

37
  1. I am impressed with you poise and diligence.
  2. Maintain that demeanor at all times.
  3. Get the GC involved. They have seen it all.
  4. Investigate the waiver option, and other possibilities.
  5. Maintain your optimism and persistence. Those will get you far.
  6. Have a backup plan. Community college is not ideal, but it is not the end of the world.
38

I’m surprised no one’s mentioned full scholarship schools such as the University of Alabama. http://scholarships.ua.edu/types/out-of-state.html OP’s stats qualify him for a full tuition President’s scholarship at UA if OP applies by December 15.

39

@bouders several posters have mentioned applying for merit at full ride schools.

That is a full tuition scholarship which is a good one. That still leaves fees, room, board, books and other incidentals. Unless those work out to the 5,000 his mom says she will pay plus the 5,500 he can borrow and maybe another 5,000 he can earn, he may still come up short.

40

@gettingschooled No one has given the OP any concrete suggestions that match his/her stats. Telling them to apply to good merit aid schools isn’t helpful when they don’t know what those are.

UA’s cost of attendance is $40.3K and the President’s scholarship is worth $26K, so well under the amount they could come up with including loan, mom’s $5K and some summer or school year work.