Currently, I am a 19 y.o. community college student from/in Colorado who is planning to transfer to a 4-year university in the Fall (2015). Last summer I went on two college tours with my parents: the first was with my mom only at Tusculum College in Tennessee. The second tour was with both my mom and my dad at the University of Montana Western. Those two colleges were my top two choices because they have block scheduling. Montana was clearly my parents’ favorite as it was closer to home than Tennessee and it has the WUE scholarship program which would make schooling “much more affordable”.
In light of recent events it has become evident that I am capable of juggling more than one course at a time, so my mother has suggested I apply to other “traditional” universities who do the usual semester or quarter systems. I happily obliged and started investigating other universities all over the country. I compiled a list of all the universities I was interested in and my mom just said, “oh, I meant universities like Utah State or Northern Arizona, that are in the west because they offer WUE”. That really broke my heart because at first she gave me the idea that my possibilities are endless, yet here she is now telling me that I have a limited choice ):
Most of the other universities I found interesting were in the east, and I was especially attracted to West Virginia University because it has a relatively low tuition. On top of the low tuition rate, WVU has a variety of engineering programs (my major initially was psychology, but I am switching it to engineering to please my mom). So I gave my mom the selling points for WVU, but she still made a deal of it being too expensive (which is BS by the way, because I have checked out both of my parents’ pay stubs and bank statements, and believe me, they definitely make enough money to even send me to Harvard). The whole financial excuse is the only excuse my mom can pull out of her butthol to prevent me from going where I feel is right. My dad doesn’t care where I go as long as I am happy, so really it is just my mom who is having problems. I know technically I can do whatever I want since I am an adult and if it’s that important for me to go to college where I want I can take loans out for myself & get a job, but I really fear my parents’ wrath if I do something against their wishes :S
I guess I have a few questions to ask about this all. How could I convince my mom that me going more than two states away isn’t bad? Why does she even think this way (i.e. why doesn’t she want me to go far away)? I have been a “perfect” kid: I have never acted out, I have never done drugs, I’ve never had sex, I am the only member of my family who goes to church; so there isn’t much of a reason for her to worry about what trouble I may stir up while I am away, right? My older sister goes to college fairly close to home (she goes to Utah State, which is only 8 hours away from where we live), so how could that be not enough for my mom? My dad makes more money than my mom, so technically shouldn’t his opinion matter more, since it would be his money paying for my education? I suppose the most important question I have is if worse comes to worse & I end up tied in the west, how can I cope (i.e. how can I stay motivated and be a happy college student if I end up being forced to be somewhere/someone I don’t want to be?)?
Wow…you kind of got me when you said you checked out THEIR pay stubs and bank statements… not exactly my definition of “the perfect kid.”
My own reasons for wanting my kids no more than ballpark 4 hours away is first, that it’s expensive to pay for airfare for Thanksgiving and Christmas and Spring Break and Summer. And if something should happen to my mom (who is in good health, but still 84) then I know my kids would want to be there for her. I want to give them the freedom to get home if and when they want to.
Of course, I don’t have to pull those excuses “out of my butthole” (ouch… the adult in me hates typing those words, even in quotes.) ; I’m an adult and will spend the money I make as I see fit.
When you say you “fear your parents’ wrath”-- do you mean you’re afraid of physical violence or of financial independence? It’s hard to have it both ways… generally the one who pick up the tab gets to call the shots.
I wouldn’t suggest playing the “dad makes more money than mom, so he has more say” card-- it’s bound to make you sound like a child who doesn’t understand how marriage works. We don’t pro-rate our expenses. So when I was out on maternity leave, it didn’t mean that I wasn’t allowed to go out and buy baby formula without permission. Likewise, when my husband was hospitalized a few years ago and missed work, he wasn’t put on an allowance.
At the end of the day, you’re 19 and can do as you choose. If you really want to go to a school your parents won’t finance, hit the internet and start looking at loans.
The best of luck to you as you figure all this out.
You are at a community college rather than at a 4-year institution right now. Was that reason only financial? Or were there other factors that could also affect what your mom thinks is an appropriate option for you? Sort through that with her before you worry about anything else. And when you do look at the Cost of Attendance on each college/university website, be sure to account for the cost of travel to and from your home several times a year. Most of that travel will be at peak times when there won’t be any cheap plane tickets.
On your own, you can only borrow the maximum federal student loans ($5,500 freshman year, $6,500 sophomore year, $7,500 each year for junior and senior years). You need to have a nice long sit-down meeting with both of your parents, and find out what your budget is. Whether you think there is enough in their bank accounts to pay for Harvard is meaningless. What matters is how much THEY are truly ready, willing, and able to pay, and under what conditions (location? GPA each semester? number of semesters before you have to finish your degree?).
It is entirely possible that your mom is in charge of finances in your household, and that your dad has no idea what it costs to cover their current financial commitments including paying for your sister’s education, etc. He may not have a realistic assessment of the options that are available for you. Happydad sure didn’t. It took him a long time to wrap his brain around the fact that Happykid couldn’t attend X, Y, or Z because of cost.
1)You have two of the millions of parents that prefer their college student to be within driving distance. If you want their financial help, you need to find a a school that meets their parameters or try to convince them that a school further away uniquely fits your needs.
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Both of my kids did their undergrad within driving distance and we did not look at colleges that required a flight. My S went to a grad school that he had to fly to but by that time he was settled on a career path, this school was a top 4 school in his discipline, and it was only a one year program – while it was worth it for a one year program, it certainly added an element of hassle and expense.
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I’m also not impressed that you looked at your parent’s paychecks, but before you make assumptions about what they can afford have you also looked at their expenses? There is the mortgage, insurance, car payments, other college bills, food, gas…(it is quite a long list, trust me).
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This may be beside the point, but I’m really not sure how you can major in engineering as a CC transfer since engineering is generally a four year program which requires classes be taken in a specific sequence.
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While you may be technically an adult at 19, you don’t always sound like one. Expressions like “pull out of her butthole” suggest that perhaps you haven’t had a talk where you actually listen to your parents concerns.
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Parents do not cast votes weighted by who makes more money in any family I know. Unless you want to take on the costs on your own, you would have to convince both your mom and dad to let you go to college out east for it to happen.
7} I suggest you a) put a great deal of energy into looking at schools within 8 or so hours of where you live 2) sit down with your parents and talk about the constraints (economical and geographic) to your college search.
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This is not a knock on WVU, but there are likely plenty of schools of a similar caliber that are closer to home if you look for them.
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There are so many students in this country and abroad that would give anything for the chance at a college education anywhere. Take a moment and count your blessings.
Sorry, but you looking at their paystubs and bank-statements does not qualify you to determine what they can/should pay for.
They likely have OTHER plans for their money…such as paying the household bills, saving, funding retirement…and paying a reasonable price for your college.
Oh…and no, your dad doesn’t get ‘more say’ just because he earns more…marriages don’t work that way.
Wow… here is the thing. It ISN’T your money. It is theirs to spend as they like. I think they are generous to give you your choice of WUE schools, lots of students out here do not have that option.
When I say she pulls her idea out of her butthole, it’s meant to be a cleaner version of the phrase “pulls her ideas out of her a-word”. Since the site filters bad words, I went with the former.
bjkmom: You say you want to give your kids the freedom to get home if and when they want. If your kids never wanted to get home, would you drive out to see them then, or would you respect their space and let them be? I know if I was within driving distance of home, I definitely would not go home if I didn’t have to. If I wouldn’t go home–still in the within-driving-distance scenario–my parents would just drive out to see me, with or without my permission. In response to your question about what their wrath is, I mean financial independence, but also being cut-off from the whole family, and having my inaccessible inheritance & trust fund taken away. My mom has threatened me with my trust fund, saying if I do something wrong I will never be able to access it ever or she’ll tell me my grandparents (whom created the trust fund for me & add money to it every year) wouldn’t be happy to hear about my educational/life choices.
happymomof1: The reason I’m at a community college right now is because I “dropped out” of highschool and got my GED. I dropped out of high school because I didn’t feel like I was learning much and I was having social problems. Though right after I dropped out I started going to college, so there wasn’t any lost time really. I know for a fact my mom is in charge of the household finances, but there aren’t many financial commitments; our house is paid off, all of our new cars are paid off as soon as we buy them, my sister is paying for her own schooling, etc. I like your idea of setting up conditions for them giving money, so I will be sure to bring that up to them.
happy1: I have proven that there are schools farther away that fit my needs more than the ones in our part of the country, but nooooo, my parents don’t catch on to those qualities. I haven’t taken an in depth look at their expenses, but judging by the way they blow money on material goods like new cars or weekly fancy dinners or vacations, and still have money to comfortably buy groceries or fuel, I highly doubt the expenses for insurance, mortgage, etc. are problematic.
intparent: The choice of WUE schools feels very limited to me still. I do not like the location out here in the west, and it is very very hard to see myself happy at any of the schools that seem somewhat decent here.
mom2collegekids: Maybe they do have other plans for their money. Like I said above, though, they spend money on big material items yet we still live in our house, have electricity/heat, can afford groceries, etc. If you can buy a new car every year and live comfortably, I’d assume there is enough money going around to pay for undergrad and grad school.
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Like I said above, though, they spend money on big material items yet we still live in our house, have electricity/heat, can afford groceries, etc. If you can buy a new car every year and live comfortably, ** I’d assume there is enough money going around to pay for undergrad and grad school.**
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My dad always said, “you can’t spend a dollar twice.”
Lol… if you were my kid, not sure I would pay for any of it. Your life choices to date haven’t been the most mature. and your attitude toward your parents is disrespectful. I wouldn’t be spending a lot of money on OOS colleges for you, either. No matter how much money I had.
I’m just answer the original question instead of adding all the comments running through my mind.
Your choices are to live with the way your parents choose to spend their money or to fund you education yourself.
Ok, I can’t help myself, one comment: your mom hasn’t taken away your trust fund yet, even though you’ve gone through her bank statements, spoken incredibly disrespectfully of her, dropped out of high school and admitted that you would choose not to visit your parents if you had the choice. Only your parents know how much further you can push.
I agree with others on this thread…get over yourself, find a school that is within your parent’s geographic and price range, and be grateful for what you are being offered.
You haven’t gotten into drugs or sex. Good for you. However, even being the “perfect” kid, if you were, does not entitle you to your parents money. If they are willing to give you anything, be grateful.
Um, you will realize how useful it is to be close-ish to home when the holidays come up.
Get over yourself; I only applied to one OOS college because my parents didn’t want me far away from home (and I’m taking out loans to pay myself). At the end of the day, it’s their money, and you can’t tell them how to spend it (if they choose to pay at all).
Not to be rude here, but college is what you make of it.
“it is very very hard to see myself happy at any of the schools that seem somewhat decent here”
I think you’re overgeneralizing here. With that kind of close-minded attitude, you’re definitely not going to be happy.
In my college search, I chose colleges that were within a drive aka on the east coast. Trust me it may seem great to go on the opposite coast and explore the world but you’ll be grateful when the time comes for visits or holidays. God forbid something happens and you have to fly out or your parents have to fly out, that’s an added expense to the situation that neither you nor your parents need. I’m sure there are plenty of places around you that can fit your need just fine. When you travel too far out of state, costs come with it.
Not to kick the horse while it’s struggling to stand, but your entitled attitude and your not-as-stellar-as-it-could-be academic record isn’t exactly making the case that you deserve to have your parents pay for out of state places. Sure you may have proved yourself in community college so far, but your parents may be hesitant to invest in you just get. You need to understand that and you also need to understand that your parents’ current funds are ultimately reserved for retirement. They’re not required to pay for your schooling.
I wish you the best of luck with everything and I hope you can select some good schools that serve as a compromise for everyone.
If the community college offers the frosh/soph level courses that are accepted by the four year school for engineering majors, there is no reason why a student starting at a community college cannot complete an engineering major if s/he takes the needed course work before transfer.
To the OP: did your mother tell you a price limit?
There are a few different issues here.
a. What the OP’s mother’s actual restrictions are.
b. What the OP’s mother told the OP are the restrictions.
c. What the OP thinks the above are.
The likely cause of the conflict is that (c) the OP believes that (a) and (b) are different (causing a perceived lack of trust to go along with an oversized sense of entitlement), but it is not clear that they are. It is possible that the OP’s mother just assumed that any non-WUE school is too expensive, without actually looking into whether it is, and that the actual restriction really is just cost-based, rather than distance-based (note that WUE includes some very distant universities in Hawaii and Alaska). The OP should not assume anything about how much she is willing to pay – better to just ask and find out, rather than sneakily looking at bank statements and assuming something from that.
@ucbalumnus - MY engineering comment was based on the OP comment “my major initially was psychology, but I am switching it to engineering to please my mom”. If the OP was not focused on engineering from the start, it might be possible to transfer into an engineering school. I guess the OP could apply as a freshman to an engineering program though. And as I did say in my post, this is largely beside the point. My main point is that the OP needs to grow up, accept the limitations on the college search placed by the parents, and find a colleges that will work.
If the OP has not been taking the engineering prerequisites (math, physics, etc.), then s/he would need to take them, which may mean taking extra semesters at CC before transfer (cheaper than extra semesters at a four year school).
Agreed that the OP needs to grow up and lose the entitled attitude, but the parents may need to communicate better what their actual restrictions are.
I do agree it is best for parents to set forth any restrictions they have for college at the start of the search – including financial, geographic, and anything else. The parents do not sound like they set these limits from the very start of the search. But they did seem to put the geographic restriction in place reasonably early – they did not even visit schools out east. At this point I do think the best way to move forward is for the OP to respect the restrictions and look for colleges that fit within the parameters.
And if it is financially do-able I would try to start the engineering program from scratch at the 4 year college so the OP will have exactly the same base and depth of knowledge from the early level classes as other students in the program have. My D took a science class at a CC and felt it was way below the level taught in her 4 year college (of course that can depend on the CC and the college but that was her experience).
My suggestion is to look closely at the WUE colleges that appeal to you, have the degree(s) you want to pursue.
Most YA do not gain frontal lobe reasoning until late 20’s. Somehow you believe you are much more mature than you are, based on your comments.
It will be win-win if you cooperate with your parents’ reasonable limitations in the college search. It is a bit unfortunate that they were not clear enough, or maybe did more soul-searching in determining how far away for you to go to school.