Our 20-year old child had surgery yesterday to remove some tissue (deliberately being very generic here). Post-surgery, the doctor expressed his concern about the removed tissue–very unusual and possibly cancerous. Biopsy in progress with results next week. But, next week, my wife and I will be on vacation.
I mentioned the biopsy to my child, but did not tell about the doctor’s concerns/comments. Follow-up appointment in 2 weeks, but doctor will call child directly if there are follow-up issues Do we tell our child about the doctor’s concerns? Thoughts.
Yes. You say exactly what you’ve said here. Use a neutral voice, and state that you are confident enough in the medical team to go on vacation as you wait for results.
I am wondering, though, why the doc mentioned the possibility of cancer to you and not to your adult child. That is a HIPAA violation.
Actually, if this was post op…it is very possible the son signed a HIPAA release, and the doctor had permission to speak to the parents.
When our kid had surgery, and was in recovery (where she was for quite a long time), the doctor came and discussed her surgery and recovery protocol with us…DD had signed the HIPAA releases prior to her surgery.
TBH…the kid wouldn’t have remembered anything the doctor said anyway post anesthetic.
Prior to surgery, our kids have a,ways signed a HIPAA release so that doctors could talk to us.
In a previous situation, our DD was scheduled for a third surgery. The doctor and we parents decided it was not prudent to even tell her about it unless it had to happen. It didn’t. Again…no HIPAA violation because DD had given her permission for the doctor to talk to us…and if need be, make decisions on her behalf.
Are you going to be reachable while on your vacation? I would be uncomfortable having bad news given to my child (even though at 20 the child is technically an adult) without my being there or being very available. But if the child is going to be called direct by the doctor, I would definitely do what Massmom suggested. Otherwise the child could be blindsided.
I would imagine that the doctor probably informed you at the time, so you could tell your son after the anesthesia wore off, not so you could keep it a secret. Generally, the whole purpose of a biopsy is to look for cancer, so your son probably is aware anyway that it is a possibility. I would still talk to him about it though, and let him know that if he gets news while you are out of town that he has cancer, he can call you and discuss it and you will not be shocked. Otherwise, if he gets news and doesn’t know that YOU are aware of the possibility, and you are out of town, he might try to keep it a secret from you, or feel all alone in the world and talk to others about how he’s been left alone getting this news. Definitely tell him it’s a possibility, and to contact you after hearing from the doctor one way or the other. Reassure him that it probably is not cancer, but if it is, there are lots of treatment options and it won’t be anything to panic over while you are out of town.
If the surgeon said the tissue looked unusual and is possibly cancerous, I would get ready for that news. I am not saying it will definitely happen, but it sounds like it is certainly a strong possibility. So first, I am sorry you are going through the anxiety of this.
Where is your son? Is he living with friends? Or does he normally live with you? I would feel very uncomfortable taking a vacation under these circumstances, but then again, cancelling might alarm him. Still, it is tough to think of him getting the call without you there, or someone there, to be company for him.
Of course you have to tell him about what the surgeon said. You can just say that the tissue removed was unusual and they are testing it, and one of the things they are testing for is cancer. It would help if you could say it is treatable, but I don’t know if that is justified or not.
Personally, I would find an excuse to cancel the vacation and be accessible to him. Or you could ask your son to tell the doctor to call you, not your son, and then tell your on in your own way when you are back.
How far are you going? For one week?
One tip: you often can look up results online on a patient portal, well before the doctor gives them to you. Maybe you can get results before your vacation starts and make an informed decision on your trip.
Is the situation such that your son would require immediate treatment if the biopsy showed a bad result or could it wait another week? If it’s the latter, I might ask the doctor to hold off until I got back. If it’s the former, I might also cancel my vacation or at least postpone it.
If this does turn out to be cancer, even if it is a very treatable or curable cancer, it will most likely hit your son like a ton of bricks. When a person is told they have cancer the first reaction for many people is to pretty much walk around in a daze for a few days thinking essentially “it is all over”, and having a VERY different perspective on life (or lack thereof). After a while more tests follow and then the patient starts to focus more on what is actually going to be done to treat the cancer. These days “treat the cancer” in some cases includes curing it. However, focusing on that is a few days or weeks after the first diagnosis and there is a gap in the middle which is tough.
As such, if either of my daughters were at risk for a cancer diagnosis (currently they are not), I would want to be there or at least able to get there quickly when they get the result (whether this implies changing travel plans, or having the doctor postpone giving results).
If I were the 20 year old kid, I would want to know exactly what was going on. Also, I understand your desire to be vague, but your actions might depend on the specific situation. If it was an isolated lesion, then even if it turns out to be cancerous, there might be very little chance of metastasis in some situations. However, if you are in the situation in which a positive biopsy result triggers additional tests and/or treatment, then I would probably cancel the trip.
Sorry to hear about this. First, the child deserves to know everything you’ve been told. Should you go? Ask your child how s/he feels about receiving the biopsy results alone while you are on vacation. Ask yourselves how you both would feel, now and in the future, about you leaving your kid to go on vacation when you knew s/he had a possible cancer diagnosis pending. What your child says (or feels but doesn’t say) is more important than what anyone on this board says.
Personally i would not take vacation. I could not enjoy time knowing that any day there might be a call that says ‘it’s cancer.’ Nor could I leave my son or daughter at such a time.
You cannot control the medical part but you can fully avoid one bad scenario–you fail to be fully forthcoming, leave and the kid becomes resentful that you knew there might be bad news, withheld it, and went off to enjoy yourselves. That seems like something everybody would regret down the road.
The doctor should have spoken directly to your 20 year old “child” and told him/her exactly what you were told. If he/she were still woozy, the doctor should have come back after the anesthesia wore off. Every adult has the right to get info on his/her own body from a doctor, with the ability to ask questions of a medical professional.
A 20 year old is certainly old enough to understand the implications of the word “biopsy.”
To be honest, when I needed one, I was incredibly upset. I didn’t sleep a wink until we had the results… and then not much for several months.
In your shoes, I would absolutely postpone or cancel the vacation so your son or daughter isn’t alone
The doctor gave you the information as a conduit, not a repository, so you should relay it to your son. I would also take care to relay it as fact and try not to convey the fear you are feeling. Without knowing the details, a biopsy may be a routine procedure any time a mass/growth is removed. Of course, they would not do it if the masses were never malignant, but it does not mean that in the majority of cases it is. As @bjkmom 's personal story shows, it is easy to go down the darkest path as soon as the word cancer is introduced. You are worried. How worried your son will be depends on him.
As for the vacation, I would ask your son what he would like. If you stay home you may simply freak him out. You will certainly want to be available to him when he gets the results, and you may want to be prepared to return quickly if that is what he needs. But realistically if the news is bad the doctor will want to schedule an in-person consultation to go over the findings and the options. You would definitely want to participate in that.
As a parent I can appreciate how difficult this is. My son has become quite private about medical issues when they arise in this has been a huge source of frustration for me. On the other hand, I was in your son’s position a few times when I was in my twenties, and my mother’s reactions often felt like one more thing to deal with, so I preferred to get my news first and alone.
Who you and your son are and what your relationship is will determine what is best for all of you. Do your best, though, to keep the communication channels open and to be particularly respectful of your son’s wishes. Your son should be learning how to ask for the support he needs from you knowing you’ll be more than willing to give it.
Yes, you should absolutely tell your kid about the doctor’s concerns.
Look at this situation from a different point of view. Imagine if YOU were the patient and it was another family member or close loved one who the doctor had spoken to…and that person did not relay the information to you…then doctor calls you with the official results and let’s say it IS cancer.
How would you feel?
You need to tell your child, who is an adult now. Your child deserves to know what is going on with his/her own body. It could NOT be cancer, but then again, it could be. It’s a waiting game and the time between now and when the doctor calls your child with the official results will be emotionally very hard for him or her. So you need to be available to talk by phone if you are not in the same geographic area.
If I was in this situation and I was the 20 year old and my parents had withheld this from me, I would be livid. You are probably wanting to shield or protect your child from the stress of this situation, but not telling him or her is not the right thing to do in my opinion.
Besides it being the right thing to do, you need to tell your son/daughter because when they go to see the doctor next week to discuss the results, the doctor may open the conversation with the line: “I know your father told you that I was worried about the biopsy…”.
Regardless of the test results, withholding this information could destroy your relationship with your child. He/she needs to know that they can count on you now.