<p>I spent over 30 years as a college advisor (I am now retired), and have worked with literally thousands of students and parents. Each year, just before the Ivy notifications come out, I think about the turmoil which will take place in many homes over the next few weeks.</p>
<p>I have seen many, many cases where parents esentially brainwashed their children (sometimes as early as the 7th grade) into thinking that anything less than Ivy (term for all elite colleges) was unacceptable. When decision letters from the Ivies arrive and the student is denied by all of them, the student is often left feeling like a failure because their parents pushed so hard for an Ivy. The sad part is this: in many of those cases the parents pushed for an Ivy to make themselves look good, rather keeping the best interests of their child in mind.</p>
<p>During the first two weeks in April, high school Counseling Offices will be filled with students trying to deal with their feelings of failure, inadequacy, depression, sadness, embarassment, etc. Many will be going through this at the same time that their peers are celebrating their acceptances at the elite colleges. These are difficult situations that parents must be prepared to address. </p>
<p>Parents: Any words of advice to students or parents regarding this topic. Or, any words of wisdom for parents of younger children, so this won't happen to their children?</p>
<p>Well, I agree with you in that I think that the groundwork, which will determine how "bad" news is taken, has already been laid well before April. If parents have been exclusively touting Ivies for years, then there's not much that can be done now. They can't backpedal and convincingly say that other schools are just as good.</p>
<p>I have one suggestion, though, which seemed to have a positive effect on my son as he waited for results. This would best be implemented beginning when applications are submitted. I kept my eyes open for favorable news about any of the match or safety schools to which he had applied. So, he'd hear me say, "I just read an article talking about how good the _____ department was at X College." Or "College Y just built a gorgeous new gym". This seemed to build an excitement about the wonderful opportunities he'd have no matter where he ended up.</p>
<p>"accepted to elite colleges" implies that if you are accepted anywhere else you are less of a person</p>
<p>that is what creates a lot of problems, this idea that you are a failure if you didn't get into the most "selective" schools</p>
<p>so celebrate ALL acceptances, and if someone didn't get in anywhere, share the story of Andison.</p>
<p>Do not ever put down any college- parents and kids do that all the time, and say a kid got in to that school...that can be very hurtful</p>
<p>My D had a friend who put down several State schools in California, turns out several of her friends will be going to some...and they know what she said</p>
<p>As a high school senior who got in ED, I think the kindest thing that those kids who know early or who are pleased with their outcome can do is to BE QUIET and BE RESPECTFUL. This means:</p>
<ol>
<li>Don't announce your acceptances to anyone except close friends unless someone asks you specifically. </li>
<li>As much as you deserve to be proud of yourself, try to keep from bragging, gloating or sounding toooooo happy when talking to your peers, especially those whose college situations you don't know. </li>
<li>If you must brag, feel free to do so when around UNDERCLASSMEN and ADULTS. They'll be able to be happy for you instead of jealous. </li>
<li>Get people's permission before you tell others about their acceptances. </li>
<li>Try not to talk about your safeties in a derogatory manner. They are someone else's reaches.</li>
</ol>
<p>You could simply, calmly list all the notable people with major achievements who did not attend an Ivy. </p>
<p>For example where I live, neither the governor nor the (very popular) city mayor are Ivy grads. Neither is Condoleezza Rice, Jimmy Carter, Stephen Spielberg, Nobel-prize winner Toni Morrison, Steve Jobs, nor a single person on Forbes top ten richest Americans list (a few of those did Ivies for grad school, but no undergrad, and Gates famously dropped out of H.)</p>
<p>Condoleezza Rice, longtime Stanford Professor. Jimmy Carter, USNA, a place whose admittees shouldn't be agonizing over rejections. Toni Morrison, longtime Princeton professor. Bill Gates, most certainly did attend Harvard (and Steve Ballmer actually graduated from Yale). Steve Jobs, attended Reed, also hardly chopped liver.</p>
<p>But, yes, Steven Spielberg has little or no association with that sort of school.</p>
<p>Anyway, I think if you haven't laid the groundwork already, it's a little late to start now. Emphasize the incredible high quality throughout the US higher education system, love thy safety, don't let the concept of a "dream school" take root, don't watch The Gilmore Girls, and understand the demographics.</p>
<p>I also like etselec's excellent guide to appropriate behavior on Monday.</p>
<p>JHS, I did say that the focus on my list was undergraduate IVY education, something that the OP was focusing on. And I never gave the idea that any of these people agonized over their schools. My point was simply that an Ivy undergraduate education is not a prerequisite to success in America. Nor is it a guarantee of any sorts, either.</p>
<p>For any one notable Ivy grad you can probably find 50 notable non-Ivy grads (or more). For every one attending Ivy student, you can probably find one parent with a bumper sticker. :)</p>
<p>I think the <em>most</em> important thing that parents can do is deal with their own disappointment privately. Whether or not your child gets into a particular college does not have any relation to your parenting skills, nor is it a measure of your child's worth or any indication of your child's future successes/failures. Don't say things like "I can't believe they didn't take you" or blame guidance counselors, teacher recommendations, or, worst of all, something your child did or didn't do. Spend a moment or two in the bathroom mourning this particular dream, but don't dwell on it. EXPECT your child to be resilient, even if they are sad and disappointed for a while.</p>
<p>It is just a college decision. It is NOT the end of the world. Now is the time to put your own emotions aside, and truly believe that all will work out for the best.</p>
<p>I think theGFG gave the best advice -- the time to cushion the blow is in setting up expecations. With my son I made the mistake, since he was in utero, of assuming he'd go to Harvard. So, yes, had he not made it into Ivy, there would have been a let down. BUt, having made my mistake with him, I'm doing better with his sister and discussing colleges in terms of fit, not name or ranking. As for kids who will be disappointed this weekend, you hug 'em, tell them how proud you are of their accomplishments that they were so great it was disappointing not to get into this particular school (as opposed to being unrealistic), you let them know that this was the largest group of graduates applying ever, and that they aren't defined by where they didn't get in but who they are. And go and buy them something from the school that they did get into!</p>
<p>JHS - Toni Morrison teaches at Princeton, but she did her undergrad at Howard, then attended Cornell, and that was the point - she managed to do pretty darn well (g) without that Ivy undergrad. The OP is asking about dealing with upset and rejection, and it never hurts to know that there are 1000 paths to success.
What I have done with this DD is to say the truth - you're a naturally content and happy person..I bet you'll be happy at any of the colleges on your list. I continue to try to make the focus about her positives that she can bring to a school, and not discuss what getting in different schools does for one.</p>
<p>From wikipedia
[quote]
Ballmer was then admitted to Harvard College. During his freshman year he developed a close friendship with his dormmate, Bill Gates, a friendship that continued even after Gates dropped out of Harvard to start his own software company, Microsoft. At Harvard, Ballmer was the advertising manager for both The Harvard Crimson and The Harvard Advocate. He graduated magna cum laude with a Bachelor of Arts degree in applied mathematics and economics in 1977.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>The brother of a good friend of mine was Ballmer's roommate and graduated summa in economics. He got a great job on Wall Street, but has not made as much money as Ballmer.</p>
<p>to return to the topic: I agree that the time to cushion the blow that may come around April 1 is in September and October. That said, students who got acceptances should keep that knowledge to themselves. I dislike the practice of finding out in school, and worse, announcing results in school. It does not give those who did not get into the schools of their choice a chance to do their first grieving in private. Id'say wait at least a week before sharing.</p>
<ol>
<li> Scattergrams, scattergrams, scattergrams. Put them on the net and ask parents and students to look them over from sophomore year on.</li>
</ol>
<p>If students look at scattergrams, they realize how extraordinary the talent is at the top schools. It's a reality check.</p>
<ol>
<li> All the GC staff should wear buttons that say: "Love thy safety."</li>
</ol>
<blockquote>
<p>...nor a single person on Forbes top ten richest Americans list<<</p>
</blockquote>
<br>
<p>Apart from being simply wrong (as others have pointed out #10 Steve Ballmer graduated Harvard College, Class of '77), it is also misleading, because 5 of the Forbes top ten are Waltons who made their billions the old fashioned way: they inherited it. The only thing these Wal-Mart heirs had to do to get rich was be born. So they are hardly examples <em>anything,</em> pro or con, having to do with education correlating with success.</p>
<p>jeez people, relax. The Forbes list I used (link below so you all can verify) did not have Ballmer on it. So sue me. </p>
<p>And did I SAY that having an IVY education correlates with success? No. However, it does show that clearly the Wal-Mart heirs, among the richest Americans, think that non-IVY education is somehow acceptable too. </p>
<p>But hey, ignore the MESSAGE behind my post. Focus on the trees, why dontcha and ignore the forest. Because THAT'S valuable advice to a stricken teenager... sheesh.</p>
<p>see, we are talking already about the poor kids who got rejected from ivies...while there will most likely be many "regular applicants' will also be dealing with rejections and decisions</p>
<p>I guess this whole idea that we should be sooo concerned about the ivy kids that got rejected seems silly</p>
<p>all the kids matter, and all have hopes and dreams and expectations, and are afraid of disappointing parents, and being embarrassed</p>
<p>so to say, well, lets worry about the kids that get rejected from the ivies, and not consider the rest of the kids, the majority in fact who didn't do the ivy track but will still face disappointment</p>
<p>its as if some people think that the kids that applied to the most selective schools need more care than the rest</p>
<p>Sometimes parents are realistic, other times the applicant, and worst of all is when the family is united in their delusion that the applicant is just SO special. They are shocked about the rejection. I've heard of kids avoiding school for a few weeks after a denial.</p>
<p>The one thing that is stressed often on CC is to realize just how many outstanding applicants there are, to search out many more matches, and to love thy safety.</p>
<p>So, to date at my house, we've had 3 acceptances from safeties, and one waitlist from a match. What I've noticed is that my son takes a lot of his cues from me, and from what I've said are my expectations. Not just what I say this week, but what I've been saying for months and years. Things like, "There are so many cool schools you'd probably love!" and just generally talking about people <em>I</em> know and <em>I</em> respect who went to lots of different schools. I have a blog where I've written about my son's choices, and my friends have written things about their experiences at those schools. It's not just that I have a friend that went to this or that safety or match, but that I deeply respect those friends, and I've said that. I've got a friend who is very happy and successful in his life, who went to the state school that just offered my son a full ride. I've got another friend who writes in my blog about failing out of one of son's top choices, and things he'd do differently. These aren't distant famous people, they're my friends and friends of friends, real live every day people who talk about how they feel about their college choices. I think that's been the most valuable thing I've done -- that, and actually get excited about all the options.</p>
<p>My son is a junior, and while I would LOVE for him to apply to a certain school, which he probably would not get into anyway, I am trying to put MY ego aside, and find what is the best match for his particular love of learning, love of extracurricular activities and love of great conversation. </p>
<p>Once I realized that the most competitive/cutthroat schools would probably make him miserable (we were not crazy about a particular Ivy for this reason, the kids seemed SO serious/unsmiling, although that may have just been the kids we came across that day) it has gotten easier, and actually a pleasant process. He is a pretty laid back kid, a wonderful, warm, very loving human being, and an Ivy education would be for me, not for him. He is going to be a very successful person, even if he goes to a state university.</p>
<p>We parents have to try to get our egos out of the way here. Difficult, I know, but not impossible.</p>
<p>citygirlsmom - "this whole idea that we should be sooo concerned about the ivy kids that got rejected seems silly"
I agree with you - ANY kid getting a rejection may feel bad-doesn't matter if it's Harvard or your local little state college. The expectations of the kids/parents may be silly, the attitude of entitlement may be annoying, even the snobbery they may have dealt to "lesser" students just plain wrong. But the hurt is real, and needs to be eased for every kid. I can see where for some kids the expectations are so overblown that it's a bigger shock than for the student who for whatever reason has less grand dreams for college.
pain is pain. A 12 year old getting dumped by friends feels pain just the same as the prom queen getting dumped by friends, or a couple divorcing. Each time will be the most experienced up til then. Teens have no frame of reference yet. If they've been raised to think they are the grades, the ECs etc this is a rejection of self. </p>
<p>adigal - you'll never, ever take away my dream that DD1 could have gotten into Princeton. That's the good side of parent obsession. She almost applied, since I whined madly "just in case" then finally said forget it, it was going to be music for her. So now I can dream it could have happened without forcing anyone into the app process. (g)</p>