I feel like a failure

Parents Forum
1

<p>This has been bothering me for quite some time now, and I need to talk to someone about it.</p>

<p>I'm smart. I'm an intellectual person. I have my strengths and weaknesses, though. I'm practically an encyclopedia for certain periods in history; I'm the only one in my college class who gets As on her papers. By the same token, though, I totally suck at math.</p>

<p>I'm okay with this. Yes, I wish I did much better in math, but I also recognize my own abilities. I study hours for math and it disappoints me that I don't do better, but ultimately my GPA is just a number. I work very hard but I'm not going to make my grades my life.</p>

<p>So on to my family now. My mother thinks I'm incredibly intelligent. If someone does better than me, she asks me, “Oh, so there are people smarter than you?” Whenever she asks this I feel like I've disappointed her.</p>

<p>I did very well on my SATs and I'm very involved in the extracurricular scene at my school, so my family now thinks that I'm automatically going to get into an Ivy. While there are certain Ivies I'd like to get into, it isn't a life goal for me. But now everyone is super super excited. They don't get it. They don't get that Harvard is sending me its application for PR reasons, not because they're dying for me to go to their school. I keep trying to explain to everyone that it doesn't work that way. High SAT score and certain extracurriculars do NOT guarantee getting into an Ivy anymore – things have changed drastically over the past two to three decades, and it is incredibly competitive now.
I'm trying to prepare myself for being rejected from the Ivies I've applied to on April 1. I know that I will be upset, but I also know that personally, I would be okay eventually. I've applied to match schools, and I know I would be very happy at them if I was accepted and went. Getting into an Ivy is not a goal for me. I know I work really hard and I know I'm smart (try not to see this as bragging, please), and I don't need to have an Ivy League to accept me to feel that way. I know that I can handle the course load, but I also know that there are a lot of other kids who can, too.
But my family is going to be so upset. I am so worried that come April 1, I'll be having a mental breakdown. I can't even worry about my own feelings, I'm so sick of worrying about how disappointed my family will be. I don't know how I will tell them that I was rejected from every single one. Everyone is so excited. And this was supposed to be validation for me and my parents in my community. If I don't get in, no one will care about me. My parents won't earn any respect. Its stupid but its true.
What should I do?</p>

2

<p>It’s too long until April to stay worried and upset. There’s absolutely nothing you can do about it at this point if you have already sent out your applications. If you have not, make sure everything you could have done has been done. And relax. You’ve done your best, nobody can ask for more. Try to focus on something else, like your current studies, your ECs, your friends.</p>

<p>When April comes, you will have great results. Maybe not those your parents want: remember that some schools are incredibly difficult to get into, no matter how stellar you are. But whatever happens, your parents will rally around you. And come September, you will be happy at whatever college you will be attending. Most students are.
Enjoy the holiday break.</p>

3

<p>I agree that it’s too early to be worrying - you don’t even know the results yet!</p>

<p>But secondly, I think you are jumping the gun about your parents, too…while I’m sure they would be excited for you to go to Harvard, I see them equally excited to see you at a match school (I am sure a “match” school for a student like you is a lot better than many others could hope for!), or safety (with a nice scholarship!). </p>

<p>Right now, instead of worrying that your parents will be disappointed, be thankful that you have parents who value your education so much, who are willing to help pay for it, willing to support you. Many kids don’t have that - they have parents that say, I will only pay for community college for two years; then you can transfer to the state university and maybe I will pay half of that, or I will not pay at all, get a scholarship and take out loans wherever you can. They don’t sound like the type, so be thankful for that.</p>

<p>Going to your state flagship, going to Kalamazoo or Goucher, or going to Harvard, are ALL respectable. And your parents WILL be proud of you. Maybe when you get accepted, maybe in 5 years when you’re at Harvard for law school, or maybe in 6 years when you never went to an Ivy at all but still managed to land a job that you can support yourself with and that you love.</p>

<p>And remember, this is what I forgot at the time: this isn’t the end, it’s the BEGINNING. Recognition comes not from what school you get into, but what you do AT that school when you go there, and how that school helps launch you into the career of your dreams. In the grand scheme of life, where you get accepted means nothing. It is what you do with it that counts, and your parents and community will see this, if not now, when you become a successful adult. If it takes them some time, just remember they are the irrational ones - and work hard to show them they were wrong.</p>

4

<p>*Getting into an Ivy is not a goal for me. I know I work really hard and I know I’m smart (try not to see this as bragging, please), and I don’t need to have an Ivy League to accept me to feel that way. I know that I can handle the course load, but I also know that there are a lot of other kids who can, too.</p>

<p>But my family is going to be so upset. I am so worried that come April 1, I’ll be having a mental breakdown. I can’t even worry about my own feelings, I’m so sick of worrying about how disappointed my family will be. I don’t know how I will tell them that I was rejected from every single one. Everyone is so excited.*</p>

<p>First of all, is there a school Guidance Counselor or someone who your parents trust that can explain how the ivies reject thousands of super smart kids every year? </p>

<p>Secondly, what are your stats - GPA and SAT/ACT scores. </p>

<p>Thirdly, what match and safety schools did you apply to? Apply to some financial safeties with rolling admissions, so that you’ll have a couple of admissions (and maybe some scholarships) in your pocket. :)</p>

<p>Lastly, are your parents foreign?</p>

5

<p>Double post.</p>

6

<p>Thank you so much for your responses. I know its too long until April to stay worried…I’m just really dreading the outcome. Otherwise, I’m happy with my life. I am confident that I will be happy in college. I know my parents would eventually come around, too, but they would have to face a lot from my extended family. When I announce the school I’m going to, if its not an Ivy, they’ll press for the results, where I was accepted/rejected and just go on and on about it. The rest of my parents’ friends are like that, too. They can’t see beyond the Ivy League. None of their children went to Ivy Leagues, so its like I’m everyone’s hope now.</p>

<p>I am very thankful for my parents. They are incredibly supportive of me and I know they will love me no matter what. That makes me feel worse, though, for (most possibly) disappointing them. </p>

<p>Thanks, umcp11, for giving me a reality check, though. You’re right. I’m a hard worker. Even if I don’t go to an Ivy League, it doesn’t mean that I won’t be successful (and I totally know this). They will see that, too, eventually. </p>

<p>Mom2CollegeKids, my parents know the acceptance rates for these colleges. They’re ‘corrupted,’ though by my extended family members who say things like “Yes, they only accept 10% of applicants, but who else will they accept if not her?” My SAT score is 2280, 800 US History and 760 Lit. My GPA is pretty good, but I didn’t really make this thread for chancing purposes. I know to some extent, admissions are unpredictable, so I am aware that there is a tiny chance that I’ll get into my dream school, but I also know I most likely won’t, but I’m OK with that. I know I will get over the disappointment and go somewhere I love, its just my family I’m concerned about.</p>

<p>I was a National Merit Semifinalist so I applied to some of their sponsored schools as safeties (the ones that would be safeties anyway even if I wasn’t a NMSF). Two match schools I would love to go, though, are Wellesley and Barnard. Now, I know that these schools are also very selective, but I have much more of a shot there than other schools.</p>

<p>My family is made up of immigrants.</p>

7

<p>Mom2CollegeKids, my parents know the acceptance rates for these colleges. They’re ‘corrupted,’ though by my extended family members who say things like “Yes, they only accept 10% of applicants, but who else will they accept if not her?” My SAT score is 2280, 800 US History and 760 Lit. My GPA is pretty good, but I didn’t really make this thread for chancing purposes.</p>

<p>You need to tell your extended relatives that the ivies don’t use formula admissions. Therefore they routinely reject kids with 2400 perfect SATs, 36 ACTs, and perfect GPAs. </p>

<p>And, yes, they will accept some kids LOWER stats, because they don’t use formula admissions. They could reject many kids with higher stats, only to accept some kids who have some odd “hook” or come from an unusual region. If you don’t have a hook, then you can tell your family that. </p>

<p>I don’t know where you’re from, but if you’re from an area that has a lot of applicants, that furthers the problem. </p>

<p>Are you from the NE or west?</p>

<p>Of course, you could get multiple ivy acceptances and your worries will be for nothing. :)</p>

8

<p>You might want to have an honest chat with your parents about trying to live your life vicariously.</p>

<p>You really can’t let people have such an impact on you - even parents. Only you have the right to choose what you want to do in life. Don’t let other people try to run it.</p>

9

<p>Agree with cgarcia in having an honest chat with your parents. Although their belief in your abilities is a good thing, I think it has gotten to a point where it’s actually detrimental to you. You should let them know that with your SATs and other stats you are only somewhat competitive in a pool of the most talented students across the nation and that admission into an Ivy is far from guaranteed.</p>

10

<p>You can’t change other people. You can change yourself and how you react to other people.</p>

<p>If you are rejected by Ivies, your family may be surprised and disappointed, but I highly doubt that the rejection will break their hearts. Most people care far more about their own lives than they care about others. They have their own lives and their own children’s lives to be concerned about.</p>

<p>They may express outrage even at your being rejected, but they may be saying such things to try to show sympathy for you – not because they are in real turmoil about what happened.</p>

<p>If you really understand and believe that you can have good experiences and can create a successful life with the help of whatever college accepts you, you won’t worry yourself sick over others’ reactions. It’s also important for you to recognize that this is an unrealistic way of looking at the world:
“. And this was supposed to be validation for me and my parents in my community. If I don’t get in, no one will care about me. My parents won’t earn any respect. Its stupid but its true.”</p>

<p>If what you are saying is true, then presumably no parents in your community would get respect unless their kids had the rare experience of being accepted to a school like an Ivy. I highly doubt that parents are considered to be worthless unless their kids achieve such a rare goal.</p>

11

<p>I should have been more clear, Northstarmom. My parents are part of a community where they earn significantly less money than the others. They are certainly not treated like they are worthless, but the truth is that they are treated differently. I meant that me getting into an Ivy League would have closed that gap.</p>

<p>Also, I’m not self-centered enough to think that my rejection would break anyone’s heart. I’m just saying that they will be momentarily disappointed and, for a 17-year-old, to have to deal with the disappointment of so many, even if it is just for a moment, is scary. </p>

<p>You all are right. I don’t even like some of the people whose reactions I’m worrying over (they’re not very nice). I know that it is extremely stupid of me to get upset over other people’s reactions, but emotions can’t always be rational. I recognize, though, that if I’m not accepted, it will be hard to deal with the reaction…but life will move on. I’ve handled far worse than this.</p>

<p>I’m sorry if I’ve come across as whiny/needy. Its just that a lot of my friends don’t understand and I needed to share this with someone. I love my parents a lot and I didn’t want to disappoint them. And I’m feeling a crazy amount of pressure due to everyone’s expectations. But one day, this will just be another thing I dealt with in life.</p>

<p>Thanks again.</p>

12

<p>*If you are rejected by Ivies, your family may be surprised and disappointed, but I highly doubt that the rejection will break their hearts. Most people care far more about their own lives than they care about others. They have their own lives and their own children’s lives to be concerned about.</p>

<p>They may express outrage even at your being rejected, but they may be saying such things to try to show sympathy for you – not because they are in real turmoil about what happened.
*</p>

<p>Very true… Plus, whatever they say, it may be due to the fact that they were very wrong in their assumptions and want to cover for that.</p>

<p>But, again, this may all be for naught. You may get 2 or 3 ivy acceptances. So, that begs the question…if you get accepted to an ivy (or some ivies) but would rather go somewhere else, will your family accept your decision? Or, will they insist that you go to Ivy XXX??? (Heck, if that’s the case, you might keep your acceptances to yourself. LOL )</p>

<p>I don’t think that you sound whiney or needy. Families can play “head games” with all of us at various times in our lives.</p>

13

<p>I think all the others have already given great advise.</p>

<p>Have a honest talk with your parents and set realistic expectations. There are all kind of articles and stats to back you up that marjority of the applicants have excellent grades, test scores and ECs. Also some accepted applicants have hooks. A <10% chance of acceptance means >90% chance of rejection among a highly competitive application pool.</p>

<p>Interesting how every family is so different. Son just submitted his Ivies apps today. We told him that hs is much more likely to be rejected than accepted. So we are all realistic about it.</p>

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<p>“I should have been more clear, Northstarmom. My parents are part of a community where they earn significantly less money than the others. They are certainly not treated like they are worthless, but the truth is that they are treated differently. I meant that me getting into an Ivy League would have closed that gap.”</p>

<p>The people sound like jerks who treat your family badly because your parents don’t earn that much money. It is hard for me to imagine that people who have such flimsy reasons for looking down on others would greatly change even if you do get into an Ivy. And if they do change, what would it mean? The people are superficial jerks. It’s not as if they have the kind of characters that would make them desirable, trustworthy or supportive friends.</p>

15

<p>I’ve posted my personal horror story before on CC – but will give it another round here because it does seem to help some students see beyond the immediate foreground. </p>

<p>I got jilted just before my wedding. It wasn’t being publicly left at the altar, but it was close enough. Like OP, I was the pride and joy of my parents and the darling of many aunts and uncles and cousins, all of whom had purchased tickets to come to the wedding. </p>

<p>The call went out that there would be no wedding. The extended family came anyway. I (at first) did not want to deal with their disappointment and worry on top of my own misery – but, funny thing, once the first awkward moments were passed (which was very quickly – I kept getting hugged), then everything was fine. I was surrounded by people who loved me – and, of course, they all thought that “almost groom” was a stupid nutso idiot rude dude not worthy to kiss my sandals. </p>

<p>Several years later, the same gang of family (minus my mother, who had died) all showed up for my REAL wedding to a darling, fine man. </p>

<p>These people love you. You are their pride and joy. You are young and bright and they are living vicariously through you – when they are with you or discussing you, they are, themselves, slim and young and full of life and opportunities. It is far, far more fun to discuss your future (in meticulous detail) than it is to dig into their own challenges (weight gain, sagging body, skinny retirement fund, errant children). </p>

<p>So, fast forward from April 1 to June Graduation Day. Family will be saying “She’s going to (insert selective small college) and we are SO glad that she is there. They have an excellent program in (insert your favorite). You know, she looked at Harvard, but, My God, what a rat race that has become. I think she is so clever to be an independent thinker and not be just another lemming.”</p>

<p>I will bet you dollars that is EXACTLY what will happen. There may be a wave of dismay on April 1. And some ranting. And some pressure to go prostrate yourself on the admission officer’s desk and offer a blood sacrifice for a late admission – but, I promise, by mid-June they will have figured out their script lines and will have the right stuff trotted out to dissect the next phase of your life (June to August discussion: what stuff you can/cannot take to college). </p>

<p>Have faith that you are not the only smart one in the family. Give them time to right their swamped little life boats and they will start rowing with you. They will.</p>

16

<p>I don’t know what immigrant group your family comes from, but this all sounds cultural. I think that many people who come to the US to “make it” have these fantasies of Ivy League college for their kids.</p>

<p>There is way, way too much wrapped up in this matter of where you get in to college.</p>

<p>You seem to have your head on straight, but are surrounded by people who are excessively focused on Ivy league acceptance- for the wrong reasons. Your parents love you of course, but kids should not be trophies. Your parents are concerned with the prestige, with the validation they would receive as parents, from the community and from extended family, and with a sort of vicarious triumph. I am assuming they have put a lot of effort into raising you toward this goal, as well.</p>

<p>But there doesn’t seem to be as much focus on where you would be happy, at least not in a sophisticated or subtle way. The assumption is that you will, of course, be happy at an Ivy. Which may not even be true.</p>

<p>I think that this situation is a result of a lack of true sophistication on the part of your parents, to be honest. And you may not be able to change that.</p>

<p>I would suggest that you, yourself, see a therapist for the next few months. The problem is not you, it is your family, but you have to deal with them, and having some outside help would be good. Maybe your school has counseling: that would help too.</p>

<p>You may very well get into an Ivy, but it would be good, in that case, for you to feel happy because you yourself want to go there, because you were excited by the classes, the community, the professors, the location, the extracurriculars, and so on- not just the name and the selectivity!</p>

<p>And your parents need to realize these are just schools. Once you get in, then you have to do the work. Those who think of getting in as the main goal, often get depressed once there because they were focused on getting in, not on what they might work at or enjoy once there.</p>

<p>Keep thinking about potential happiness at any of the places to which you applied- Ivies included. Try to get that across to your parents. And get someone outside your family to talk to. Good luck!</p>

17

<p>I feel the same way as you are.</p>

18

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<p>I wouldn’t assume just because OP’s parents are immigrants it means their views/feelings are not sophisticated. It is the same type of things people post on CC over and over again. Most of those immigrants are highly educated people, some with more financial resource than most Americans, and understand/appreciate what a degree from highly ranked schools means. Whether going to a highly ranked college is worth it has been debated by some very “sophisticated” people on this board.</p>

<p>What OP is feeling now is a normal panic attack - all applications are done (nothing more she could do to influence the out outcome) and waiting for the decision. I am sure every senior applying to colleges is feeling the same way (panic), whether it’s to please parents or wondering if there’ll be a school to go to. OP may feel her parents are treating her like a trophy, but they really just want her to be happy. Most people (parents) don’t know what to say or do when someone is upset or worried. They think they are showing support by saying “Of course, you’ll get in with your good grades and SATs. I know someone’s son with lower SAT got into Harvard, Yale…” They don’t realize it only adds to your pressure. I know I have said things to my daughter that may have upset her. To be honest, there were times when I didn’t know what to say to make my daughter feel better - if I said it’s not the end of the world not getting into those schools, she interpreted it as I didn’t think she was good enough; if I said she had a good chance, she thought I had unrealistic expectation. As your parents are immigrants and you grew up here, there maybe a communication/cultural gap between you. But no matter what, I think they will be happy knowing you are happy.</p>

19

<p>I’m sorry, but I think that excessive fixation on getting into Ivies is unsophisticated, no matter who the person is. I did not attribute this to being immigrants.</p>

<p>The original poster herself describes the pressures to get into an Ivy, as having to do with the parents’ status with extended family and in the community, and not about the student herself having a good experience with a school.</p>

<p>I think that any kid dealing with this might want to get some help outside the family.</p>

20

<p>oldfort, this is one of the best post I have read on CC. Not only that you understand some of the Asian culture, you articulated the points very well that we just want our children to be happy. </p>

<p>Most of us have Ph.D. from westen institutions and some of us have done extensive research on college admission process. We want the best for our kids. Of course, the definition of “best” has been debated to death on CC. </p>

<p>To OP, your parent will continue to love you no matter what. If, in the remote case, that you did not get into a T10 or better school, your parents might lost face in front of other parents whose kids did. But I am sure they will get over it and support you all the way.</p>

<p>Addition. Some time the pressure is so great from the other parents. In certain Asain group, any school other than HYP is consider 2nd rated.</p>