Parents and Children with Differing Religious Views

Parents Forum
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<p>I saw a thread about this before posted by a paren. I'm the daughter of a staunch Catholic. After nearly 18 years of weekly Church and 12 years of Catholic schooling and much prayer, I've realized I have a major problem with the Catholic religion.</p>

<p>Essentially I now consider myself agnostic in the sense that I see truth in all religions. I consider myself extremely spirirtual - I think I have a great relationship with God. However, I do not consider myself religious.</p>

<p>Every week though, my attendance at Church is demanded. And I have a problem with it. I'm not trying to sound like an immature, typical high schooler rebeling simply to rebel; if I honestly disagree with many of the Catholic teachings, I think its hypocritical for me to attend, whether I'm forced or otherwise. That being said, it may even be possible I'm just having a rough time with my religion and need a break.</p>

<p>I've tried to explain this to my parents in a mature and well thoughtout manner. They don't listen. I've tried starting arguments about it; they don't listen and call me disrespectful. (I spent a good part of mass today holding back tears because we fought about it just befoe we left.)</p>

<p>It's causing quite a bit of tension in my house; my parents believe it's a "my house, my rules" sort of situation. But I've never tested the limits before. I've never been the type to pick fights for the sake of it or disagree with them because that's what teenagers "do." This is something that I feel strongly about though and I feel like I'm not being true to myself.</p>

<p>Any advice on the situation?</p>

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<p>Since you're living with your parents, you're still bound by their rules, and they think that they are saving your soul, so they aren't likely to release you from going to church. It's unlikely that you'll be able to find a way of getting them to think that it's OK to allow you to skip church, since they would not be fulfilling what they believe are their God-given parental responsibilities. </p>

<p>My advice is to do what most people whom I know have done: follow the religion or nonreligion of your choice when you move away to college. When you're at home and still are being supported by your parents, politely go to church with your parents, and meditate or do something else while sitting there if you don't agree with the church's doctrines.</p>

<p>Incidentally, I empathize with you because I had a permanent falling out with the Catholic church when I was in h.s. I continued going to Catholic church until I went away to college, then stopped going to church. I ended up becoming involved in churches again as an adult, but my faiths have been very different from the Catholic faith. All of this was hard for my mom to understand.</p>

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<p>I agree with NSM. I do sympathize with you, and I see your perspective clearly. My own son now volunteers for eight hours every Sunday in the Ninth Ward of New Orleans instead of going to church now that he's back at Tulane, and I am perfectly happy for him to do so. However, your Mom has a real obligation in her own heart to see that you go to Mass every Sunday, and it will tear her up if you don't. Please try to go while you're at home as a gift of love to her. You'll be gone soon. As NSM said, you can do what you like soon, and you will have given her a great gift if you do this--you really can meditate on your own thoughts while you're there. It isn't hypocrisy so much as it is love. There's nothing wrong with that, is there?</p>

<p>Best to you!</p>

4

<p>"It isn't hypocrisy so much as it is love. There's nothing wrong with that, is there?"</p>

<p>I so agree with that. If you're almost 18, you're also probably a high school senior, and you're probably spending your last months living fulltime in your parents' home. Help make that time a joyful one, not one filled with arguments over things that you don't need to argue about now. Trust me that the time that kids leave home is a bittersweetly painful time for both parent and child anyway without focusing on things that don't need to be addressed now.</p>

<p>The time will come soon when you will be able to choose your own path. Don't spoil your last months at home arguing over things that you could simply put up instead of causing unnecessary discord.</p>

5

<p>Eckie: writes <<< I honestly disagree with many of the Catholic teachings, I think its hypocritical for me to attend, whether I'm forced or otherwise. That being said, it may even be possible I'm just having a rough time with my religion and need a break. >>>>></p>

<p><<<<< I've tried to explain this to my parents in a mature and well thoughtout manner. They don't listen. I've tried starting arguments about it; they don't listen and call me disrespectful. (I spent a good part of mass today holding back tears because we fought about it just befoe we left.) >>></p>

<p>Response:
What are some of the things that you aren't able to discuss with your parents? I am very good at explaining the Catholic religion to teens and adults (have done this for years -- plus I have teens at home, too!). Sometimes parents get angry when their teens question the religion because the parents "don't know how" to explain doctrines, etc, and they just want their kids to "just believe". That won't work for smart kids. But don't worry. The Catholic faith is reasonable and can be logically explained. Just ask -- either here or by PM. Hugs!</p>

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<p>Thanks for all of the responses. My parents and I are extremely close and we rarely fight (I went through the argumentive child stage back in middle school), so this has been pretty rough on me.</p>

<p>It's not so much the basic teachings of Catholicism I've grown to struggle with; it's the recent interpretation of the meaning, especially by my teachers and religious leaders at my Church, that's pushed me away. I'm tired of hearing "Love thy neighbor as thyself" only to see that person judge someone different from them. I know I shouldn't let MY faith by shaped by others, but its hard when those who are supposed to be religious role models act in a way that seems to go so against what they preach. </p>

<p>I've talked about this with my mom, and she says she disagrees with various things as well, but that she uses Church as a time of prayer and I should too. I just find it really hard to focus during mass - I prefer prayer to be quiet personal time, whenever it may be. </p>

<p>You're all right though. I'm going away soon and there's no reason to spend the time at home full of tension.</p>

7

<p>I think NSM's and CTYMomTeacher's comments are right on. </p>

<p>I'm a student, as well--raised Catholic. If you can sit in Church and appreciate it in some form, then I think you should do so. I left Catholicism about a month before my confirmation and after completing eleven years of CCD classes; however, I still have a place in my heart for the tradition and the music and the priests and the motives, if not the doctrine. I was gay, and the fact was I felt I could not continue practicing with the Church through the time of Confirmation. It was simply something that at the age of fifteen I could not do. (There were scheduling problems with the last CCD classes, which was why my parents initially allowed me to defer Confirmation). </p>

<p>I think that you will find that you can be true to yourself while being in Church. After so many masses and years of practice, there must be innumerable things you value within the Catholic Church. Take your time during masses to consider your beliefs, but also use the time to think about what the Church and God and faith have given you throughout your life. You may also want to think about how your current beliefs can fit in with the goals of Catholicism. In addition to being a religion, Catholicism is a culture, and I think that at seventeen years old, you can question and consider the beliefs or the popular practice of them while continuing with the culture in a way that is not at all hypocritical. </p>

<p>You may choose to leave the Church once you begin college, and you may or may not find a new one or return to your old one sometime during your life. Either way, I think that realizing and considering how you fit in with the Church, or don't fit in, can have you tremendous gain, wherever your ponderings lead you.</p>

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<p>Eckie, I don't think its hypocritical to merely attend services, if your mom is satisfied with that. I mean, it might be hypocritical to take communion or go to confession... but attending Mass really doesn't have to be a purely religious experience. My family is Jewish, but several of my family members have attended Mass, particularly for Easter or Christmas, just because they like listening to the music and the ceremony. My daughter attended Russian Orthodox services when living in Russia - which she hated, because they are very long services and everyone stands the entire time - but that was her courtesy to the family who was hosting her stay. My brother used to regularly attend Episcopalian services at a local church. I remember in college going to a tent revival meeting -- we honestly were there to be entertained, not to participate - it was great fun. When I visited Paris a year ago I went to Notre Dame and lit a candle in memory of the son of a non-Catholic friend who had recently died - I didn't think it was an act of hypocracy even though we are all non-believers - to me it was a very special act of respect in that I took a moment inside that gorgeous cathedral to think about and reflect on the life of the young man whose life was tragically cut short by cancer. </p>

<p>If you live in a larger community, ask your mom if it o.k. for you to attend mass at different churches. You may find that there are some that have a congregation or give services that are more to your liking. </p>

<p>Keep in mind that it is very normal for young people to question the existence of God and their religious tenets, and to move away from the teachings of their religion -- but often as you grow older you find solace in religion when going through hard times. It isn't all about rigid belief; sometimes there is just a shared sense of purpose or spiritualism that becomes very important. So you may find that your own feelings change if you simply explore to see what is going on at a church in another part of town. </p>

<p>Since you wrote, it's the recent interpretation of the meaning, especially by my teachers and religious leaders at my Church, that's pushed me away -- I really think you may find it worthwhile to explore what is being said by the leaders at some other churches. It is rather amazing what a broad social and political spectrum is held within any one designated religion - as well as how different one congregation can be from another. Maybe your mom would be interested in checking out some of the other churches as well -- at least that approach would alleviate your feelings of boredom.</p>

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<p>You sound like a good person. My husband was actually just three months away from final vows as a Catholic priest, and he left because there were aspects of what he saw going on that he couldn't accept way back then. He's still a Catholic in many ways in his heart, I know, even though I never was one, myself. You'll be okay. Be with your Mom. "Talk" to JLaur. Heck, tell me if you want to "talk" to my husband. He'd be happy to, I know. People do care, including your Mom, who you have to know loves you desperately.</p>

<p>(Calmom's right, too. We also have gone to synagogue, and we sing at a Lutheran church these days! This IS America, after all.)</p>

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<p>One of the great dichotomies of a Catholic education is that they teach you to think and often that can lead away from the Roman Catholic church but to another part of the holy catholic church. One of my best friends says he is an Episcopalian because he was educated by Jesuits.</p>

<p>Given that it seems your issue is primarily with Rome, perhaps if you were to go to a neighboring Episcopal or Anglican church while your folks are at Mass. Or maybe until you are out from under their roof, just go to a different Mass and sit and listen, it might help put things in some perspective for you.</p>

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<p>I'm Catholic. My kids HAVE to go to mass. It's a rule. They also have to say grace before meals when they eat at home. I don't ask them to believe--they can be open and question beliefs--but in my home, they follow my rules. And, I also asked them to go to mass while in college. I said I knew that they might feel as if they no longer believed, but if someone offered to pay for a 4 year college education as long as I did something I didn't enjoy that much one hour a week, I'd take the deal. I asked them to at least try mass at college when they got there and to do it as something they did out of respect for me if for no other reason. When they are home for vacations, they have to go to mass too. There are no exceptions. </p>

<p>I would, however, allow my kids to go to another Catholic church if they chose to do so. So, you might want to look around your area and see if there are any parishes with masses for teens or better homilies or which offer the chance for community service or better music or whatever. If you can find such a service, then ask your mom if you can go there instead.</p>

<p>Obviously, I can't speak for your parents, but I'd also seriously consider allowing my kids to go to religious services in another faith rather than joining me at mass when they are home on vacation if they had problems with Catholicism. So, if it really is Catholicism that is the problem for you, ask your parents if you can try another church. They might refuse, but I think there's a difference for most of us to being told "I don't wanna go to Church!!!" and "I'm having trouble with some of the things the Church does and, frankly, they are getting in the way of my prayer life. I'd like to experiment and attend another church. So, next Sunday, I'd like to try X Church instead of going to mass with you." Again, I can't speak for your parents...but the second approach would have a much better chance of succeeding in my house.</p>

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<p>As a lapsed Catholic, I've attended a fair amount of services - some of which I've gritted my teeth through and some of which I've... actually sort of enjoyed.</p>

<p>I do have issues with how some people in the Catholic faith choose to use their "faith" - where it becomes less about honouring Christ and more about being judgmental - but there are some Fathers who have a lot of respect for human dignity. Seek them out.</p>

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<p>First of all, we ALL "judge" others and we rightly do so. If a neighbor's child is mean or is a brat, we "judge" that behavior and try to keep our own kids away. And, yes, we may have to gently explain to the mom why our kids can't play with her naughty kid. If someone is an arrogant jerk, we "judge" that behavior and try to avoid him or her. Would we want the parent of the naughty kid discounting our "judgment" of her child by saying that we "have no right to judge others"? No!!! </p>

<p>It's not right for anyone to offer correction in a mean or cruel manner. Everyone sins and makes mistakes, and caring people tell each other when one of them is doing something wrong. (and the person doing the correcting better realize that he/she too, will occasionally be the recipient of correction -- because we all do wrong occasionally.)</p>

<p>The Catholic Church does not allow anyone to say, "so and so is going to hell". That is God's job to make such a judgment and determination.</p>

<p>It's not fair to label someone or some church as being "judgemental" if they are offering information about what is right or wrong -- that is what a caring person or institution does when it encounters wrongdoing. </p>

<p>If your friend was cheating on his wife, wouldn't you privately tell him that it wrong? Is that being "judgemental" (I guess the cheating hubby who doesn't like hearing the correction might think so.).</p>

<p>If your brother was abusing drugs or shoplifting, wouldn't you tell him that it is wrong and he needs to stop? (Yes, he, too, will probably label you as being "judgemental" in order to "discount" your message.)</p>

<p>The bottom line is that when each of us does something wrong (and we don't want to admit our wrongdoing -- especially when it deals with moral issues) it is just too easy for us to call others "judgmental" when they offer correction.</p>

<p>The bottom line is that if there is "truth" then don't we want to know it. Truth isn't arbitrary and it doesn't change with how we 'feel at the moment" or "what we'd like it to be". Truth is truth. Some things are right and some things are wrong. Some things don't have "gray areas" because they are intrinsically evil -- always wrong -- in every case. Some things have "mitigating" circumstances -- such as stealing food when one's family is starving.</p>

<p>I'd just like to say that the Catholic Church is the most "pro-woman" institution on this planet. Those who get "upset" by various teachings that seem (to the naive) to be "anti-woman" are just misinformed.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
Every week though, my attendance at Church is demanded. And I have a problem with it. I'm not trying to sound like an immature, typical high schooler rebeling simply to rebel; if I honestly disagree with many of the Catholic teachings, I think its hypocritical for me to attend, whether I'm forced or otherwise.

[/quote]
Hi Eckie ... welcome ... and this is a tough situation. In HS I had a very similar experience with my mother about attending church ... and I <strong><em>TOTALLY</em></strong> understand why it feels hypicritical of you to attend church ... because I felt the same way. For me, I had matured enough to decide for myself that I no longer wished to participate in my parent's religion and attending church while not believing felt dishonest and hypicritical to me. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone with that feeling. </p>

<p>FYI - this is not a situation that went well for my mom and I ... I was uncomfortable waiting to college to stop attending (to me this approach felt like I was being dishonest to my parents by not being up front about my beliefs) and my mom really wanted me to attend ... over time my obligation to attend with my family was reduced but not without some very painful arguments with my mom. Unfortunately, I believe there are really only a couple choices here ... hang on until college (sucks for you) ... or get in fights about it trying to be allowed to make your own life decisions (sucks for your relationship with your parents).</p>

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<p>Eckie: I am not now, nor have I ever been, a Catholic. However, being both a child and a parent, I side with those who say that, at least for now, you should attend church with your parents out of love and respect.
Now a few months ago a I heard a rabbi speaking on the question of whether one can truly pray when saying the standard prayers, whose words might just be recited by rote most of the time and therefore might not give any real feeling most of the time. He didn't directly deal with that issue but he did point out that a time in the service (or Mass) when a certain prayer is called for is a time when access to God is supposed to be available and so, sometimes, one should take advantage of that opportunity.</p>

<p>You feel that you have a great relationship with God. Excellent. So then you can use the attendance at Mass to continue and further it. Now I do get the impression that you feel that structured services with certain prayers said, and certain things done, at certain times are not for you (any more). Perhaps you can find a way to be somewhere in church - maybe standing in the rear or on a side or in a balcony where you can pray in your own way, not necessarily do exactly what everyone else is doing at a given time. Who knows, your parents and the priest might understand this and find a way to let it happen. This way you can attend Mass but not be tied up in the specific ritual. And if at some moment you decide that you want to rejoin the congregation, you can.</p>

<p>When one gets to college, all sorts of possibiities involving religion and all sorts approaches become visible, and all sorts of chanegs take place in the student, including attitudes about religion. You may be surprised at what that experience will do for your thinking on the topic.</p>

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<p>Dadofsam: well said</p>

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<p>Nothing wrong with meditating, contemplating, thinking, etc</p>

<p>I sent you a PM about our family, hope it helps</p>

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<p>I think you're going through what a lot of people your age do--starting to really question something that you've been raised with. Count me as another Catholic who started losing interest in church during high school, though my parents still forced me and my siblings to go (my sisters and I used to spend mass looking for cute guys. . .) In college I went the first weekend and never again (except when I was visiting my parents). Six years later, I met my H, another lapsed Catholic, and we both came back into the church. All my sibs seemed to follow the same pattern. Now, we're much more conservative than our parents ever were. . . (It just occured to me that our 17-year-old S still prays the rosary with us without too much complaining--probably a miracle!) Hang in there for a few more months. (Honor your father and mother, offer it up--when you look back on it, you'll be glad you made this small sacrifice to keep peace with your parents--that's a way of loving your--very closest--neighbors). In college you can sort things out on your own.</p>

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<p>Does anybody have an experience to relate about kids raised with little formal religious education who freak out in college and become [your choice of over-doing it] types. I know parents with strong but lapsed religous backgrounds who raised their children without much formal exposure to religion who worry about this.</p>

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<p>JLauer, my sister in-law, the former nun and formal teacher of theology, would disagree with you about the Church being "pro-woman," as would my wife, the sacristan. As my s-i-l put it succinctly, "the Church is screwed up below the waist." </p>

<p>The Church has yielded, ever so grudgingly, an inch at a time. Within my D's lifetime, there were pickets outside of our church (from outside the parish!!) over the fact that we had female altar servers...written complaints were sent to Rome. There were periodic attempts to restrict women, as Eucharistic ministers, from giving Communion. There are still large patches of the Church that believe in a very ugly interpretation of the adjuration "women submit to your husbands." And don't get me started on the Church's current on women in the Church from an historical view. As my D was bright enough to figure out when she was about 10, "Dad, we believe in women priests but we can't talk about it at Church, right?" Actually, in our parish you could get away with it but it would still be best as a private discussion.</p>

<p>DadofSam: great post.</p>