Parents' Cafe: Why Are We Doing This?

<p>dadofgoalieson
had to smile- we're in the same situation. D1 in college (after BS), D3 in kindergarten. now D2 heading to BS. good luck!</p>

<p>and my wife is in her first year of law school. Looks like the 6K Kindergarten bill essentially amounts to a rounding error.</p>

<p>someone asked about FA earlier and since this is a parents' cafe, I felt like I could respond to this a little more bluntly than I would if it were more of a thread for the kids. Our experience with FA is that at each school she was accepted, we were offered at minimum the amount the SSS had indicated was what we could afford. I know of two families personally who have every toy known to mankind and live in the largest homes in their neighborhoods but cry poor when it comes to tuition. I'm sorry, but my own personal experience is that if you don't spend (waste) every cent that comes in, the schools will see that and make it a manageable expense. We actually got so much in FA that it cost us less to send her to a TT school than keeping her local at a private school. I honestly feel that many people want to have everything but when it comes to tuition, they feel like the schools owe them or something to pay for their kids' education. If you honestly do not have the income to support the tuition, I feel like at least at the TT schools, they will come through with a reasonable amount to help you in FA. You might have to cut out a trip to Hawaii this year, but what is more important?</p>

<p>When our older child went off to BS a few years ago, my heart ached for weeks even though I knew the child was thriving. For many students and families, BS truly is the best option: an abundance of academic and extracurricular opportunities, all within walking distance of their dorm; no need to get a ride/drive to see friends; good, healthy food available practically around the clock (well, maybe not really, but for most of the day). There is some compromise involved, because yes it might be best to be able to sit down together at dinner every evening - but how many teenagers are around to eat dinner every night with their families, anyway. Now, with email, skype, and cellphones (or phones in each dorm room), it's easy to stay connected. We speak to our child on a daily basis, not because we are helicopter parents, but just because we enjoy knowing what's going on (and vice versa).</p>

<p>Now, with our second child looking to go off to BS, my heart is already starting to ache at the thought. Yet, I'm confident that we will also stay connected to her, and that the opportunities will be so much greater than if she attends the local HS.</p>

<p>My son's day school just threw a wrench in the decision process by doubling his FA grant. </p>

<p>So now it can be considered as part of the equation. He has 2 options. A boarding school that he loves that has fabulous academics and really strong sports. Plus I think better food than he gets at home.</p>

<p>His day school also has really strong academics but horrible sports,
but he'd stay at home. It is also difficult to get together with friends because many of them live 45 minutes a way. Not fun to drive that far on the weekend after a movie.</p>

<p>So for the experienced parents. Any input. (He will turn 15 in the fall of next year.) Do you believe that the boarding experience will be a valuable experience for him? I go back and forth about how I feel about it so I don't think I can give an objective opinion. (My husband only cares about the $$$)</p>

<p>Any advice would be welcome!</p>

<p>I think you're right, hpflrent. It seems to work out just as you describe, though whether that's by design, Providence or pure chance, I can't say.</p>

<p>I found the Sinner's Alley thread, btw. Okay, so there's one tee-niney corner of the Parent's Cafe that offers sanctuary from cranky adults who apparently think that, by the sheer "in-your-face" force of their on-line verbiage, they can make their political opposites "see the light" and concede that the other party's candidate should win the election.</p>

<p>Of the two, regardless of cost, which is the best option warriorboy648?</p>

<p>Is that option affordable?</p>

<p>If so, then (this is half tongue-in-cheek) ask your husband what other matters involving family decisions and welfare is he content to be bribed into doing something other than what's best?</p>

<p>You're comparing apples to oranges, so it's not like you can say that each dollar differential is worth X imaginary units of education and then decide that one's a better "value" than the other. They provide significantly different deliverables. Apples and oranges are both fruit, just as boarding school and day school are both schools. But how do you decide whether the apple is worth more than the orange? You have to decide which one of the two you want and then whether you can afford it.</p>

<p>I hope to be in the category described by sbergman and D'yer Maker (i.e. good relationship getting even better when kid goes to BS). My son and I are extremely close. I will really miss being with him daily. I couldn't bear the thought of having him on the other side of the world (we're from Asia) so I arranged to be in grad school during his first year at BS. Being a few hours drive from him is so much better than being a 15-hour flight away. This is sort of a weaning process for me. I hope that by year 2, I will be ready to go back... but you never know. I might start enjoying the academic environment of New England too much.</p>

<p>To throw another twist in the discussion, I don't know about BS either. I went to a BS as a day school student. I agree, many of the schools mentioned on this board represent a lifetime opportunity worth sending your child away. Howver, once you get below those schools, is it really better to send the child away to an average BS rather than 'raising' him/her yourself at home? I don't have the answer, just asking.....We are waiting for a decision from a high profile day school because we live in a large city where we have one. I personally just have mixed feelings sending my kid away to school unless I am fairly certain the caliber of education outweighs the benefit of my daily guidance in life at what is still a young age for him. I'm in no way suggesting you gusy are bad parents or uninvolved, but sharing my point of view in hopes that you can shed some light on your rationale and enable to to better understand why we are all doing what we are doing..</p>

<p>I did want to put in my two-cents worth on the relationship comments. Like others have pointed out, there is a lot of communication, most of the time daily, between us and our daughter. She will instant message me or email or we will call/she will call. I think having her away has actually made us closer, go figure. We still feel very involved in her daily life, and her school has a daily "newsletter" that is online so each and every day you can go on and look at everything that is going on that day at school. You will see the plays that are being performed, who the visiting speakers may be, which colleges are visiting, sports schedules and results, birthdays, and the list goes on. It is a great way to still feel you are involved and know what is going on. The other thing I wanted to mention is you really do not see many/any parents post things about how their relationship suffered or the kids were miserable, or whatever after they went to boarding school. For the majority of parents, it would seem that it has been a very, very positive time for their relationships and the parents have seen a greater maturity in their kids when they return home. And, you will miss them and it is hard to let them go, but just be brave and you will be amazed at what your child is exposed to.</p>

<p>I honestly feel that many people want to have everything but when it comes to tuition, they feel like the schools owe them or something to pay for their kids' education.</p>

<p>Guilty, sort of. We're not a BS family and we have a nice public HS here. Having not been through this before I had no idea what to expect, so I asked for FA. I would love it if there was FA available to take the sting out. I don't really think BS's owe me or mine an education, but I was (and remain!) more than willing to take aid if either my finances or my kids warrant it. </p>

<p>None was offered. We don't have Hawaii trips to cut out, our cars have >100k miles, and we live pretty simply. Because we've been frugal and careful our debt load is not burdensome. If we were more profligate with our income and ran up big debt with new car leases, second mortgages and expensive vacations, would we have been offered FA? I don't know how those decisions are made. And actually, I don't need to know, it's more of a thoughtful question than a real one. It's not like I'm going to appeal the decision because, as I said, I don't feel entitled to FA - but I sure would like to have it. I have to believe there's a special place in heaven (or somewhere good) for parents who put their kids first...</p>

<p>I am very grateful for the insight above that the parent-child relationship can improve without daily mundane contact. That makes good sense and squares with our family's previous experience with separation. Glad to have that sentiment, thanks for sharing it. </p>

<p>As to the other Parents Forum, PLEEEZE let's not let this one go that route. Maybe I should have called this the Solace Forum.</p>

<p>HopefulDad - I feel that the "top" schools mentioned all the time are NOT worth *me **sending **my **son to.<br>
Schools are not "average" simply becasue they are not EXETER or DEERFIELD. And I have to say that sounded rather judgemental (even though you did later on say you were being so).
I feel that the boarding school we are sending my son to will give him a far superior education that Exeter or Andover or St Paul's ever could. (note this is for MY son. Obviously, they are great choices for others. read: it's all about the fit - that's what makes a school exceptional) And it is one that is very rarely mentioned on this board. One that you would likely consider "average."<br>
Some of the things we looked for - regular family style meals. The school we have picked has them every day. No, that's not a substitue for being with your *actual
family, but we felt it was something we liked.<br>
A true sense of community. Being a part of something larger than yourself. There were some schools we looked at that we just didn't get that feeling about. One of them was one of the "biggies."<br>
We looked at what opportunites my son would have - in terms of academics, athletics, leadership, and also socially, and culturally. We looked at the support that he would be given. All of this is much greater at boarding school. The right boarding school for our son, where he will receive an amazing education is the one that is the best "fit." It is not "average" for us it is exceptional. Just as the "top" schools are exceptional for the students that are the right "fit" for them.</p>

<p>You are lucky that you have great day school options. Not everyone has those.</p>

<p>Can someone give their past experiences with homesickness issues. I feel my S will adjust academically, find friends easily as he is pretty gregarious, he is a descent athlete so should play some sports. He got into Worcester Academy.
How did parents handle their kids being homesick and how long did it take to adjust...</p>

<p>any help........please</p>

<p>You might read this thread</p>

<p><a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-admissions/390612-my-daughter-hates-boarding-school.html?highlight=homesick%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-admissions/390612-my-daughter-hates-boarding-school.html?highlight=homesick&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>for jennycraig's experience or PM her personally. Not sure if it was true homesickness, but it was a difficult initial adjustment which is what you may be fearing.</p>

<p>I asked my D about this after a few weeks at BS. I asked her if she was homesick at all. She said, "who the heck has time to even think about being homesick?" We all laughed about that. I can only speak about her school, but I think a lot of kids who get homesick are that way not because they miss everyone so much, but more that they feel "lost." When you go to revisit days, ask during the parent forum times what measures are taken the first few weeks to help ease the homesickness. If they tell you that they have many, many orientation programs the first few days and if their proctors (seniors on each floor) have been instructed in how to check on the newbies and make sure they are feeling welcome and understand everything, then you should feel pretty confident that the school is going to do everything they can to alleviate the homesickness. You have to realize that once you drop them off at school, it is usually not too long after that that there is parent's weekend (early Oct), then another five or so weeks and they have a week off to go home for Thanksgiving, and then believe it or not just another three weeks until Christmas break, which is usually almost three weeks depending on the school. They love you, but they will be biting at the bit to get back after the Christmas break because they will be missing their new friends so much. Even if they have a ton of friends at home, the BS friendships are deep. I have talked to some other parents and they felt like it was a good idea to go a day or two early before dropoff just so your child can wander around the school grounds and get comfortable with what is around them. I think that helps a lot. The administration is busy getting ready for the drop off day, but you can really walk all over the place, eat at the local restaurants, and visit the surrounding town. I hope that helps.</p>

<p>It all depends on the child. My older son is extremely independent, went to sleep away camp since age 7 and loved it, while my younger son cried and had to go home early. Therefore, we feel very comfortable sending the older one to Deerfield this fall, especially since he is ecstatic. On the other hand, we strongly doubt that our younger son will opt for BS. Hope this helps--take your cues from your child.</p>

<p>D'yer Maker - $$ isn't an issue in the decision. We got great fa at both schools. It's just that my husband doesn't have any interest in discussing the pros and cons. I'm sure he thinks I talk too much. I think it's hard to be sure you're doing the right thing sending your child away when no one else is doing it around you.</p>

<p>Linda S - I totally agree with you. I have been thinking about our school visits. We were sucked into the tier 1 need for a while but most of those schools didn't do it for us and a couple reminded me of factories. But the school that my son was accepted to and gave him the most $$$ is really a great match. When we visited we had a 1:00 appointment and didn't leave til after 6:00. We met students and also with coaches. There was lots of wonderful conversation and we were in no rush to leave. It felt right. We visited other schools after that and it is easy to get caught up in all the hype.
But ultimately everything turned out as it should.</p>

<p>warriorboy...my husband and yours sound like they would get along well. I feel like he is proud of our son's for attending a great school and doing well, but at the same time, he hasn't done any of the leg or brainwork involved in helping to make it happen. I think if it was up to him alone, my son would be in the public school.</p>

<p>I'm the one who did all the legwork and road trips for BS. My wife was lukewarm to the concept of BS. I think she was humoring me. But my wife was game for revisits and that's what got her hooked. Make sure your husband participates in the revisit. It's imperative.</p>

<p>D'yer Maker, me too. My spouse was lukewarm but has adapted to the idea. It has been an evolution. I didn't really embrace D's dream until my first OCI with her. Then I saw it differently and became an advocate for her dream. Now that my spouse is on board I'm wondering what did I do??</p>