<p>nervedoctor - good question. Why revisit if you know where you want to go. Unfortunately, it is a bit more complicated for us. My wife is really starting her campaige for the closer BS but D is still leaning far away. </p>
<p>We are planning to revisit all 3 of the BS she applied to. The first, which is 1.5 hours drive away will be like a minor vacation for the family...sort of like a way to reward D for during so well. She likes the idea of visiting schools. The other 2 are the real deal. It is virtually a 60-40 split. So I really think we need to see these 2 schools.</p>
<p>Speaking of a plane ride away, I need to analyze the cost of flying up to (1) drop D off, (2) attend parent's weekend, (3) picking D up for Thanksgiving break, (4) spend her back after Thanksgiving and (5) pick her up for XMAS break. I am not sure how many additional trips are required for 2nd and 3rd semesters. $$$$$$ Please understand, we don't need FA, but it does NOT grow on trees around here.</p>
<p>nervedoctor: I have read quite a few tales of people who, on the basis of revisits, have changed their choices. One account was of a student who first went to a revisit at PEA (not his first choice) and then to Andover (his first choice). At some point just before lunch at the Andover revisit, he found his parents in whatever meeting they were in, pulled them aside and said that Andover wasn't going to work and Exeter was his top choice. That's but one of several such stories I've read here...though that one's memorable for its dramatic climax.</p>
<p>Whether that anecdote (and others like it) support the proposition that you should attend all your revisit options (on the basis that your decision will become enlightened) or that you should be very judicious about your options (on the basis that these are, after all, designed to influence your decisions and you'd rather avoid being influence by sales pitches)...I can't say. But I do know, from anecdotal accounts I've read here, that 99% sure before revisits doesn't necessarily mean 99% sure after the revisits.</p>
<p>FatherofonlyD (love the name), I'll take the opposing view. A difference between a 2 hr drive and a (pricey) plane ride is very significant. Take a look at the academic calendars for each and see how many opportunities/requirements there are for parents to visit or D to come home. It is one thing to allow your child a mature decision, it is another to allow your child unrestricted decisions where the repercussions would add $thousands to the family budget. I can't speak for you, obviously, but in my home that would make a big difference. With our consent to BS our spending went from the planned 4 years of private education (college) to 7 (BS + college). Yes it's important to let D make her own choices about the course of her life. It's also important to let D understand that there is an opportunity cost to many choices. Allowing D to make a choice in a vacuum, without understanding the true costs, diminishes the lesson. </p>
<p>None of us know your D, obviously. But in the big picture of her life, looking back, her remembering "I was going to go to X BS but it was really far away and too expensive to travel" will probably not scar her for life. Especially where the next part of the sentence will likely be "so I went to Y BS and loved it."</p>
<p>FatherofOnlyD: Perhaps you can reduce your costs in one way. Do you need to pick up D for vacation? Many students fly home by themselves. Maybe you may not approve of this for 9th grade, but perhaps later. Just a thought to consider in your budget......</p>
<p>I'm going to respectfully disagree with laxtaxi. I think there are a couple of reasons the final choice should be your daughter's. Obviously Lax is right, as parents we know that money doesn't grow on trees, however give the cost of four years of BS, the additional travel costs of a distant BS are not that great. Ultimate goal is to find the school that your daughter will be happiest at and that will be the best fit for her. Allowing travel costs to be the deciding factor could end up being "penny wise and pound foolish".</p>
<p>Also, there is a more important reason the decision should be your daughter's and free of parental pressure. If your daughter is anything like my kids (and most teenagers I know) her mood can change as often as the weather. This won't change at BS - she will have good days and bad, maybe even good weeks and bad weeks. I think there is real utility to our kids "owning" the decision of the school they're attending. Makes it easier to get over the inevitable bad days. Otherwise, when things go wrong (as they inevitably will from time to time), it becomes YOUR FAULT that they're at this stupid school. Just my two cents.</p>
<p>This is all good insight and things we (wife and I) have been discussing and debating; 1 way trips for D, D decision making in vacuum, increasing the value of $$$ in the algorithm, etc…all reasons why this is such a challenging decision. FYI: Andover = plane ride; Lawrenceville=2 hours drive; Episcopal=1.5 hours drive. We are starting to realize that there will NOT be a unanimous decision. This is very unlike our family. Again we are a very close family of 3. And when one of us is out of sync, the whole is out of sync.</p>
<p>FatherOfOnlyD--Is there a way you can arrange for D to spend an overnight at each school during the revisit? There is no experience that compares to being on campus in the dorm, classes, dining hall, and especially at night when all the official activity is over and the kids are hanging out in the dorm.</p>
<p>This is particularly important for her far away first choice. </p>
<p>I would absolutely leave the decision up to my kid and not try to sway her. She's "pleased" everyone else all of her life, now if you've told her it's her first big decision, you need to follow through! If you can arrange for the overnights, then she'll have more data with which to make the right decision based upon more of HER experiences at each school.</p>
<p>We've been going through the exact same thing this week. We finally decided to not only SAY to our son that he could make the decision, but to tell him that we agreed with his decision! We were all in limbo until that point and he was holding back his joy at being accepted to his first choice!</p>
<p>I think there is real utility to our kids "owning" the decision of the school they're attending. Makes it easier to get over the inevitable bad days. Otherwise, when things go wrong (as they inevitably will from time to time), it becomes YOUR FAULT that they're at this stupid school.</p>
<p>Oooh, this is really good and definitely something my wife would say. That's my D to a 't'. Thanks for sharing that thought.</p>
<p>Living over 1000 miles from my D's school (and believe it or not, I've driven the round trip on back to back days) and finishing my 2nd year of paying for transporatation, my take is that while transportation is not cheap (we live in an uncompetitve local airline market - no discounters), it hasn't been unmanagable (even when dealing with flight issues due to weather - see my recent thread on goaliegirl's last flight). And learning how to manage travel isn't a bad skill for a boarding school student to master.</p>
<p>And if from your geographical description, you live reasonably near BWI, the flights to Manchester on Southwest are almost always had cheap and frequent. I would think that Andover would provide transportation there for breaks as most schools do.</p>
<p>In your position, I would be thinking about how involved you can see yourself in your daughter's school and her activites. Are you likely to become involved in a parent's association? Do you want to frequent her Sports/EC events? Do the airline schedules/prices and our lifestyle allow us to do that at the level we see ourselves at?</p>
<p>If there is one thing that I wish I could improve about our boarding school experience is that I'd like for my wife and I to be able to drop in and spend a weekend when her team is playing a tournament or even attend parents weekend. For us being heavily FA dependent and of modest means, those couple or 3 extra trips a year do start adding up when it is $1K between airfare, hotel, car, meals.</p>
<p>goaliedad - Travel management and a travel budget are real parameters that need to be considered. I estimate that at least an addition $5K should be budgeted in, if the BS is a cheap plane ride away. But unfortunately, my timing regarding this concern is a bit late. My D assumes that this was taken into account months ago when my Wife and I agreed on the 3 BS that she could apply to. It would not go over well if I now introduced this as a new issue. Oh well, what’s another 5 gram, right. We parents are made of money! </p>
<p>If D chooses driving distance BS, we could and would be more involved in her BS life. Also, if she needs us there, we could be at the BS is 2 or 3 hours. Also, driving could mean an additional 2 or 3 visit per semester…my wife’s very argument.</p>
<p>BTW: One disturbing thing I just read was regarding the prom. I never thought that we would not experience the preparation and ceremony surrounding her prom. I also dreamed of answering the front doorbell and really giving her date a stern talking to. Should we expect to miss out of the BS prom? Can anybody add information regarding BS proms?</p>
<p>$5K seems a bit high to me, but perhaps I don't travel my D as much as you will nor do I make a presence on the campus myself very often.</p>
<p>For your typical trip home, if you are flying MHT to BWI on Southwest, you won't pay any more than $200 ever - usually closer to $150. BTW, typically my round trip situation is $300 to $450.</p>
<p>The car trip up at the beginning and the one at the end to pick up and drop off her worldly posessions will run you at your distance about $200 in gas (at today's prices) and 1 or 2 nights in a hotel. If you don't need to be right there and can drive 20 to 30 minutes to campus, you should be able to get a decent (Hampton, Fairfield is my definition) hotel for $100 - $120 per night which is my typical experience. When it is just me though and I'm just sleeping, there is a newly refurbished Red Roof reasonably near my D's school that is usually half that amount. I'm not that fussy for 10 hours in a hotel. Add in meals and those trips should be in the $750 range.</p>
<p>Now if you plan to spend weekends at the school, renting cars and more hotels and 2 airline tickets do add up quickly. That is where I've always had a problem in managing the money.</p>
<p>As to the prom, my sophomore D hasn't been asked yet, but I think asking season is right around the corner when she returns, so I'm waiting nervously myself. In the boarding school world the girls definitely have the advantage here. My D doesn't speak much about the guys (except the ones who play hockey and that is more about the sport), so I don't know what to expect.</p>
<p>As to the frequency of visits, if your D is heavily involved in performance type activities (drama, music), your wife may be right about the frequency of travel.</p>
<p>Speaking of prom- very unique at Interlochen, where most of the guys are gay. There is quite the competition for the straight guys, since there are more female students than males. However, as my D pointed out, all the guys have tuxes (most are performing musicians) and most are fabulous dancers. Prom at Interlochen is called Morp (prom backwards) and is a lot of fun.</p>
<p>Many moms travel to the BS for prom weekend or at least to spend a night or two leading up to it. In my case, I spent several weekends with D and her girlfriends and a couple of moms shopping for the dress, shoes, etc. Then I spent prom day at the dorm helping the girls to get ready. Once the boys arrived at the dorm, I was almost the official photographer since I willingly snapped photos of every couple who was willing to tolerate me! Many of the girls or guys were ones D had talked about, but I had never met.</p>
<p>Sorry to say, my husband was not with me so could not read the poor boy the riot act before he drove off with our little princess!</p>
<p>I have a slew of photos now pre-prom and other moms who couldn't be there asked me to send copies to them.</p>
<p>So, yes, you DO miss out a little, but if you want to take part, you can find a way.</p>
<p>This is off topic, but I'm thinking that this can also be my confessional.</p>
<p>Today I had to drive 2 hours through a snowstorm for my son to play in a soccer tournament. Then had to suffer through 2 frigid games, which I will have to do again tomorrow. It occurred to me that if my son decides to go to BS then I won't have to do this again next year!!! </p>
<p>Of course I'll probably be freezing at lax games instead but it did give me a moment of pleasure...</p>
<p>Agree that there are a myriad of variables. Furthermore it's anecdotal, not
a randomized, controlled scientific experiement. For example,
I was an only child, refused to leave home for BS and only seriously
considered colleges 4 hours from home because Iwas so close with my family. Now I wish I had had the gumption to go to the IVY where I was also accepted or that prestigious, yet fun southern school that offered me a merit scholarship. On the other hand, my son is super-independent, attending sleep away camp all summer in NE since he was 9, an airplane or very long
bus ride away. Although part of me wishes we could simply get into the car and drive 2 hours to his second choice school, he is absolutely clear that he wants to go to his first choice in NE. I feel disingenuous visiting choice #2 or 3 and am very tempted to send the deposit to choice #1 ASAP. True that we could drive through a snowstorm 8-9 hours to attend a soccer game I expect that we will drive him up in September with his belongings, fly up for
fall parents weekend, then
send him home by himself and back
on a plane for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Spring break, finally we
will drive up to get him at the end of May. This travel should cost approximately $2,000. Ironically, his #1 choice is $1,000
or so less than choice #2 and 3. As you can see it's a justification that each of us have to make in our own way..</p>
<p>One of the downsides to boarding school that I've experienced, as a parent, is that my daughter is currently dating a Junior. She's a freshman. There is no way I would ever condone this if she were at home, attending the local high school. I don't think there would be much chance of it happening anyway, as at our school, the upper classmen do not associate much with freshmen girls. At the boarding schools however, there is a lot more intermingling between all the grades; meals, sports, prom (Jrs & Srs can ask anybody to the dance, whereas at our high school, only Srs can attend prom), even her advisee group is made up of boys/girls from all 4 grades. Theres not much I can do about it, being 1000 miles away, but I try to keep the lines of communication open, find out as much as I can about this boy, and hope that she will always make wise decisions.</p>
<p>FatherofOnlyD, see if you can arrange shadow days for each of the schools - not just revisit days. She could stay in a dorm and attend a day of classes with another student which could help give her a better idea. Of course, sometines this can backfire, especially if you get partnered with a less than enthusiastic host!</p>
<p>JennyCraig- My experience in BS (back in the late 70s) was that girls always dated upwards because they consider their male classmates immature and because upperclassmen boys were getting revenge against their female classmates for ditching them during their freshman and sophomore years. Senior girls were dating college guys or plotting affairs with young male faculty members. Always a vicious circle.</p>
<p>Thanks for the info, LaxCoach. I guess things haven't changed much since your boarding schools days. As I went to an all girls high school, I was just glad that I had a boyfriend the same age as me, even though he was probably a foot shorter! :D</p>