The last time we brought my Mom here was really unsettling for all of us. She forgot where the bathroom was, even though she’s been to our house multiple times over the last 20 years. The first two days she wasn’t quite sure what to do IN the bathroom. I hated to see her so disoriented.
I am joining this thread. My mom passed away suddenly Christmas Eve leaving behind my 83 yo dad who I am not sure can manage without her. Together they made one functional person.
He is in an apartment that is not assisted living but the building is mostly older folks, including many who are lifelong friends of his. This means he has no house or yard to care for and does have friends, but has no cafeteria or onsite medical care.
Some of the residents do rely on outside help and I have collected names and phone numbers of these agencies/individuals.
My dad’s health isn’t great but is stable right now. He has diabetes and ongoing congestive heart failure. He can’t walk far after a bout of pneumonia over Thanksgiving, but can drive and is motivated to improve his walking. He has some memory issues. He is also a huge pain in the you know where and we have fought all my life. (I think he has some OCD and maybe even some Aspergers. He is very rigid.)
My brother, who gets along better with my dad, was supposed to have The Conversation about us hiring one of the caregivers available to pop in and check on him, but he punted. Both Bro and I live a ten hour drive away.
Okay, that’s the situation. I am still with my pop, bro left, and plan on telling my dad I am worried about him living alone. I expect he will say he will be fine. I will answer I will call him daily, which I already do, but wish someone would look at him daily—a friend, a paid caregiver, someone. We will see what he says.
In a perfect world, he would let me hire someone who would cook one meal for him daily and chit chat with him, offering to do laundry, change lightbulbs, pick up stuff he dropped, etc. I’d settle for three times a week! He would agree to set up lunch/dinner/movie dates with his friends on a regular basis.
@Lizardly I am very sorry about the sudden loss of your mom. How very hard that must be.
For your dad, can you play to his desires? He is motivated to improve walking. Could the caregiver you envision come in with also an interest in that? Not necessarily a PT person, but someone your dad could justify being there because they were helping him improve stamina in walking? Maybe a late morning person to take him for a walk or some leg exercises, prepare a lunch or dinner and all the other things you imagine.
Agree that playing to your dad’s desires is a good strategy. It’s always tough when folks punt and defer tough conversations so that it ends up being you.
Maybe you can frame the helper as “for now,” adjusting to mom not being here.
Lizardly, so sorry about the loss of your mom. But right now, I’d guess this loss is more at the top of your Dad’s mind than agreeing to proactive steps to ensure he’s looked after, going forward. We don’t know how successful their relationship was, but she had to have played a large part of what you’re now trying to offer. (Even if she had been ill or limited- or he is- together, they were the “team.”) Even telling him you’re worried about him living alone is a reminder he’s now alone.
The most frequent topic in the grief groups I co-lead is the feeling others want you to move forward quickly. And for your Dad, it hasn’t been two weeks. That’s very little processing time, for him. Little time for anyone else to get a read on how he’s really doing, what he does need most, at this exact moment.
My heart goes out to you- and to him. I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m pointing this out to only you. I think your intentions are right. It’s just an issue we all need to be aware of, how to time any talks, what to say, what can wait a bit.
Best to you all.
@Lizardly My mother is in a building of either disabled or over 62ish. They have office staff once a week and maintenance staff weekdays with after-hours contact info. They do the light bulb changes and everything else, which reassures me no end. Might your dad’s building run to something similar? Her building also has a VNA drop-in once a month. Lots of the tenants use Meals on Wheels. Is there a way for you to determine what he can count on from property / building management?
Does the local PD participate in a daily check-in program of some sort? https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/for-older-people-living-alone-daily-automated-calls-can-mean-safety/2017/04/21/5b66988e-1a3c-11e7-9887-1a5314b56a08_story.html I mean, you’re checking on him anyway, but some of the programs have an automatic follow-up mechanism in place.
Adding to what @lookingforward put very well that he’s probably reeling. You’re in the hard place of wanting to make sure he stays alive and as healthy as he can (and if he’s like my dad was, that’s often despite himself!), and also needing to absorb your own loss. My condolences, what a combination of grief and upheaval.
So sorry for you loss @Lizardly. So tough to be grieving the loss of your mom and now having to worry about care for your dad.
In my experience, I had to plant the seed for outside help and then remind for a long while before my parents’ agreed. We started out with minimal hours - 2 hours/2 days week and then as they got used to the caregiver, increased.
There are also some great meal delivery services depending on where your dad lives. I had looked into a program called “Chef for Seniors” for my dad.
My mom mentioned to my husband the other day that she was worried she was going crazy and maybe needed to see a Psychiatrist Dad died in June and she said he has spoken to her, and she him. I think the time that worried her was before Thanksgiving when she was trying to figure out how to slice the turkey. She has always cooked it, and dad carved it. When she was bemoaning having to cut it, the conversion she had with dad, was him telling her she knows how to carve the turkey as she always stood behind him telling him how to do it and what he was doing wrong!
I did a quick google search, but didn’t really ready much. One article said sensing a deceased spouse is remarkably common. Between 30 and 60% of elderly widowed people experience so-called bereavement hallucinations. Another said for approximately 70 million mourners who have had them, these contacts—or Extraordinary Experiences (EEs)—are real and comforting.
As mom didn’t tell me about this, I don’t want her to think my husband betrayed her confidence. I want my husband to have a bit of information so he can talk to her. I do not know if these “encounters” are a comfort or frightening to her, so looking to hear if others have experienced this with one of their parents. I do know the holidays are tough, and while on the outside mom seems to be doing well, I am sure it has not been easy.
Dare I admit I’ve experienced it? Also in dreams. And due to some recent stresses, lately so realistic. I do find it comforting. The people important to us do remain in our hearts. As I see it, of course we can rehash known support of the past or some gesture we remember that was always reassuring.
Your DH can ask her if it was frightening. (And assure her it’s common enough.)
Thanks for the advice. I leave for home today to get back into my own neglected life. I will return before the end of the month to check on my dad. We had the conversation and it went better than I thought. He is not opposed to help but not ready for it now. I do think he wants to see what he can do alone and also have some time alone to grieve—I would want that, too, in his shoes. In the meantime, I’ll have help lined up and waiting in the wings.
@snowball - I’ve experienced it myself. From my grief support group, it seems very normal for the newly bereaved. Hopefully your mom can find comfort in those encounters. It certainly wouldn’t be a red flag to me about mental health.
@lizardly, I’m so sorry for your loss.
This morning, Dad asked the caregiver to take his blood pressure. I guess he could tell something was wrong. BP was fine, but she also checked his oxygen saturation level and it had fallen into the 40s! Apparently Dad had been talking in his sleep overnight, but the night person didn’t realize that was unusual for him. 
Dad was taken by ambulance to the ER. On the way, he became unresponsive and they intubated him. My mom, uncle, sister, caregiver, and advocate are all at the hospital now.
Everything has fallen apart around here - I was gone a total of 3 1/2 weeks in December/early January. Last night, 24-year-old son made snarky remarks about how stressful it is around here and how we need to relax more. “I lived in the GHETTO in Beirut and we were happy!” The little stinker. If he only knew how close I am to snapping. I guess I’ll have to have a conversation with him today.
@MaineLonghorn I am so sorry to hear that.
My mom had a stroke, then got pneumonia, then passed away all in about a week. I got home quickly and was able to talk to her before she lost consciousness. She and my dad had living wills and my mom had many conversations with us about what she wanted to be done if she became incapacitated. Yet, despite all that planning, we had some fights among us about what to do. My dad didn’t want to let her go. My bro and I had to get out the documents and read them with him. No, she didn’t linger, but it was because we were lobbying vigorously on her behalf. I was the bad guy, arguing with my dad, albeit gently, asking him to remember what she wanted and getting out the papers and reading them with him. He had the health care POA so my goal was to be respectful, say reasonable people can differ, but mom chose this.
@Lizardly, I’m glad you were able to advocate for your mom. We couldn’t get Dad to make a living will - I don’t think he wants to face his mortality.
He’s out of the woods for now, but has been diagnosed with bilateral pneumonia. He’s in a regular hospital room now. My heart sinks for him - he is so sick of the hospital.
We couldnt get my dad to articulate what he does and doesn’t want, nor mom. My older brother & sister insist they want “everything,” no matter whether it causes them pain and whether or not it improves their quality of life. The rest of us don’t agree but most medical professionals will go for prolonging life if anyone insists on it to minimize liability in lawsuits.
I’m hoping that over time older brother & sister will realize that no matter what was once stated and wanted, that no longer applies as both of them seem VERY tired and do not want or need more pain or poor quality of life days.
I have an acquaintance that publishes a blog…recently she reminisced on her parents and their end-of-life experiences, which she had written about here (not sure if this link will work - it’s’ not to the blog itself, it’s to the article that was published)
https://solsticelitmag.org/content/how-do-you-help-your-parents-die/
I found it just…I can’t even come up with a word. Heartwrenching? Heartwarming? Fascinating? Loving? Sad?
In any event I thought of this thread as I read it. End of life shouldn’t have to be so difficult for those we love.
@Lizardly , that is very common. And your dad probably didn’t realize how much your mom was propping him up, and will struggle to understand that he now needs help. Good luck with this process, wish I had some useful advice.
@JustaMom5465
thanks for sharing that blog post. I had been thinking about some of these issues lately.
@MaineLonghorn… Hope all goes well.
My mother 90 won’t tell us where she wants to be buried. In Detroit, where she lives now or in Chicago where she was born and her parents have 2 empty plots already paid for right next to theirs… Agh… We don’t really need a will. Not that much to will away… Lol…
@JustaMom5465 — that blog post was very real—gracefully handling the good and bad of a planned end of life with dignity. It is bittersweet but so much easier in most ways than the sterile, cold, alien world of the ICU and ER where all too many in the US die.