Helicopter Parents Take IV

Parents Forum
1

<p>I subscribe to a listserv aimed at those who provide services to disabled students at the college level. These two comments just showed up. PCA=personal care assistant. I have deleted the names of the colleges and the individuals.</p>

<p>Subject: the landing of "helicopter parents"
Dear friends and colleagues,</p>

<p>The fall semester is upon us, and with this year's freshman class come a
new variety of "helicopter parents" on our campus. Over the past week I
have been dealing with a parent who insists on living in the residence
hall and serving as her child's PCA, a parent who has decided to become
her child's notetaker, and a parent who has e-mailed all the instructors
to introduce herself as her child's coach and requested attendance
information and assignment information so she can clarify the assignments
for the student.</p>

<p>Given the rapid succession of these situations in the beginning 5 days of
the term, I am concerned that this is just the tip of the iceberg (several
other parent issues have already arisen that I won't trouble you with). In
the interests of risk managment I would like to develop policies that
clearly articulate to the parents what roles they can and cannot play in
ther children's (our students') lives on campus. </p>

<p>If anyone has faced similar situations I would sincerely appreciate
knowing your institution's policies about them and how you have handled
the situations (do you allow parent PCA's at all? as live-in? only on
week-ends or emergencies? for how long? where do you draw the line for
notetakers/scribes? do you allow them to be their son's/daughter's
advocates?). In the past when issues like these have arisen, the parents'
involvement was less intrusive and they were more cooperative, making it
easier to draw a line in the sand (so to speak). This generation of
parents (so far) seem to feel entitled to do what they feel they must do
to support their children. Any feedback is most gratefully appreciated!</p>

<p>That e-mail generated the following response. SWD=students with disabilities. DSS=Disability Support Services.</p>

<p>have posted ... separately but believe her post relates the most extreme examples of this outrageous phenomenon and I'm going to put in my two cents worth to the list.</p>

<p>These parents hover over not just swd's but students who do not have disabilities. It is a systemic problem, not just a DSS one. Upper level university administrators have been complicit in the development of this trend by their silence or, worse, by their acquiescence to parental demands and it is from these administrators that effective policy must come. </p>

<p>My own solutions are mostly unprintable but those that are not terribly offensive might involve a ban on cell phones (or strict guidelines on their use, as between the hours of 6 p.m. and midnight); barbed wire, mandatory outsized pacifiers worn round the neck of students whose parents so much as whimper in the direction of any university employee, including building service workers; 15% reduction in tuition to all students who can spend a semester without speaking to a parent; 30% for students whose parents do not contact a university employee for the entire semester; and firing squads--oops, how did that one slip in?</p>

2

<p>Your post demonstrates two outrageous ends of the spectrum. The examples from the college are unbelievable. A parent has no place doing any of those things on campus. This is COLLEGE. College is synonomous with independence. You no longer live at home. The kids, for the most part, are OVER 18. By the same token, though I realize the responding poster might not have been utterly serious but did say that the examples he/she gave were not "terribly offensive".....but they are of a notion that parents have NO contact with their kids in college and to me, that is outrageous at the other extreme (and I know some examples were purposely over the top like barbed wire and pacifiers but they all implied no parent contact between students and their parents). I do think parents play a role behind the scenes supporting their child, staying in contact, being a listening board if they have a problem and suggesting ways they might want to go about solving it, etc. They just are not the ones to go to the college to solve it! I can think of very few things where a parent would be involved in talking with officials at a college. There might be some instances but it should not at ALL be like when they were in high school where a parent could and often must go in and conference with faculty or administrators because the kids are minors and the parents play a role in their education as partners with the school. That role must change when college begins. It is an adjustment for the parent, to be sure, but they no longer will be actively involved in the school. They can be a support person long distance with their child. The kid must take over to solve their own issues on campus. </p>

<p>I think it is not far fetched for that college to develop some policies that counter some of the things going on there such as parents in the dorm or parents in class, parents being mailed assignments, etc. While schools should have an open door to parents who need help or to call, there is a line between that communication and the parental involvement on campus or in schoolwork. Those are NOT appropriate and the school should not comply with that sort of thing as it goes against the philosophy of the college education experience.
Susan</p>

3

<p>The posts generated this response:</p>

<p>Hi xxx, sit down take a big breath! I am sure you already have all the policies that you will need. What you have to do is to divorce yourself from the fact that this is a parent. What you are dealing with is a PA, or a notetaker, or a coach; NOT A PARENT! Put aside all your stereotypes, fears and assumptions and simply deal with them as they present themselves. Your only other recourse would be to ban the use of parents/family as a resource for any accommodation and I am sure if you did that the OCR would have your collective heads on a silver platter :-) I for one relish helicopter parents, saves me lots of time and energy trying to find alternative resources and everyone is happy!</p>

4

<p>I will be interested to see the responses to this. I actually do have a parent that is paid by Voc Rehab to serve as a PCA and she lives in the dorm. For the most part it has worked very well. They would rather have a different arrangement I think at this point but trained PCAs are not thick on the ground in rural xxxx. She also functions as a note taker in class- though he has other systems set up and while we have occasionally had some issues to work out around this, it has been pretty successful as well. It is not a situation I would encourage (the note taker part) but our policy is that the PCA relationship is the student's to manage and in that case, as long as the attendant is not posing a threat or disruption we have no say over who that person actually is. </p>

<p>As for a parent serving as coach- my inclination would be to remind the instructors of confidentiality policies regarding grades and to let them know that they are under no obligation to inform anyone but the student about their progress...it is the student's job to communicate with the coach :)</p>

<p>AND</p>

<p>I would agree with all that's been said so far--and esp. that this is
<em>not</em> just a growing phenomenon for SWD but for all students in fact. Several years ago--in order to clarify our mission statement re: the student development/empowerment model--we developed our <em>Parent Guide to Disability Services</em> which is available on the publications link of our website or via hard-copy.... We try to articulate the differences between K-12 level special education and postsecondary disability services---and let parents know how they can (appropriately) assist...</p>

5

<p>Wow all around!
Are students students or are they players who need coaches or bosses who need PAs and notetakers ("Miss Smith, please take down this message and give it to me later for my signature...")?
It's one thing if a student has a disability and needs assistance coping with that disability; it's another if parents want to continue spoon-feeding their child.</p>

6

<p>Here's another question that may rile up parents of Students with disabilities, but here goes.. how is roommate selection made? Are disabilities taken into account when the pairings are done? Does the roommate without a disability have any say in the matter? Just curious.
In the case of the parent who lives in the dorm, I wonder how the other students on the hall feel about it.</p>

7

<p>Finding a reliable, responsible, and mature person to serve as a PCA for severely disabled student at a salary that the family can afford (including subsidies from Medicaid) can be a real challenge. I can certainly understand why, in some cases, a family might decide that the best solution is for a parent to serve as the student's PCA.</p>

<p>This is quite analogous, in my view, to a family's decision about elder-care. Some families may feel that a hired home-health care air is the best solution for a disabled elderly parent who wants to remain in her own home. Others may feel that it's best for the elderly parent to move in with an adult son or daughter's family who can help take care of them. Still other families may decide that it's best for an adult child to move in with the elderly parent.</p>

<p>The challenges faced by families with a severely disabled member, whether a young adult in college or an elderly person, are not easy ones. Society's support for such challenges in the form of paid PCAs is not always adequate.</p>

<p>I think the case of a parent serving as a PCA to a severely disabled child is in a totally different category than most other "helicopter-parent" situations.</p>

8

<p>I am not familiar with the situation at Harvard except what I read about Brooke Ellison (who has written about her experience). I used to occasionally see her on my way to work as she got in or out of the van that transported her from place to place . Brooke was paraplegic with limited ability to communicate as well as limited mobility. Her mother was allowed to move into her dorm, but I believe that Brooke was given her own room, and so was her mother. Her mother was her personal note-taker as well as assistant in other ways. Since Harvard has a number of buildings that are historical and do not have elevators, her classes were scheduled in buildings that did have elevators.
But I have not read of other parents moving into the College or attending classes other than at Parents' Weekend.</p>

<p>I have been told of a student whose parents paid for a full-time maid (that was before DormAid). :)</p>

9

<p>Comment from one of the most experienced people in the DSS field:</p>

<p>When I was DS Director at the University xxxx about 100 years ago, I found that the very best way to deal with parents was to encourage them to have open, honest and regular telephone or e-mail contact with their students, and to NOT go through us at DS to find out how their student was doing in school--leave the DS component out of the equation as much as possible and keep their communication direct. If they felt the student needed extra assistance from DS, encourage the STUDENT to make the contact with us, not the parents! This seemed to work for us. And I've had my share of parental requests too; "checking on the student every night at 10 PM and letting the parents know the student was in his room" (yeah, sure we do that!); "making sure the student is not drinking beer" (how funny!); "calling the parent weekly to provide an update on his academic progress" (oh yes, we love to do this in our spare time); "talking to all of the student's professors so the student doesn't have to be embarrassed about doing it" (shades of K-12 overprotection);
etc. I have even had to tell a few parents to put their helicopter
into long-term storage when they drop their student off at college, and begin efforts to treat their student like the young adult he/she is. I realize this is a very painful process for parents, and any school that has a special parent orientation for parents of students with disabilities is doing a great service for them in helping them to begin to cut the apron strings--it's a long, painful process for many parents.</p>

10

<p>Nuno:</p>

<p>Many, but not all, disabled stduents have single rooms. It depends on their disabilities. Students who need lots of disability-related equipment and students with PCAs in residence probably aren't assigned roommates. I guess the other disabled students go through the regular roommate assignment process.</p>

11

<p>I think the situations here reflect a particular kind of situation that none of us as far as I know have had the challenges of dealing with.</p>

<p>The judgmentalism from the originally quoted message was unwarranted, and subsequent messages from those who seem to know more about the difficulties these students and their parents face seem to make that clear.</p>

<p>Soozie; I don't usually disagree with you, but I think that there are some cases where the student may only be able to attend college with that kind of assistance, which doesn't come cheap, and might not be otherwise available.</p>

12

<p>Garland:</p>

<p>I think that you're on target. They first few weeks of a fall semester can be very stressful for mid and lower level college staff particularly those that deal directly was students. I sense a lot of frustration in the initial posts.</p>

13

<p>Tsdad--I agree. I do understand frustration, as I work with college students in a support program for low income/first gen students (SSS--I think you might have one on your campus).</p>

<p>Frankly, in so many cases, I'd rather see more parental involvement. This week I met three new students who live with grandparents because their mothers are on the street and fathers totally non-connected. I heard the students in the dorm tell me about losing electricity for four days because of construction--they looked at me like I was crazy when I asked if their parents called to complain. I certainly would have. I've met students who aren't getting enough aid because they didn't know how to fill FAFSA out right (it's hard for them to know whose income counts because their home lives are so much more complicated than our kids'). Many of the students have great parents who are working three jobs and know nothing about how college works. </p>

<p>I could go on and on, but I have to say, I wouldn't mind knowing that there were a few helicopter blades humming somewhere in the distance.</p>

14

<p>Let me support xxxx a bit here. I know that the extreme of this kind of behavior can (and has) sent us all right up the wall. However, in thinking about the generation now in college and the sub group of that generation, these are parents who have had to fight, threaten, beg, advocate, etc. to deal with schools, agencies, government entities, and service providers, in order to receive appropriate services... And who sense from the beginning that, ADA, hard work, good intentions, affirmative action, etc, notwithstanding ... Their student still might not get a fair shot at the ring. </p>

<p>I truly believe that we should be actively involved in helping our students become more independent, better self-advocates, etc., but for the parents of children (now young adults) who have become the squeaky wheel many times in their children's lives with schools, providers, or agencies who really do not want to provide (or don't know how to
provide) the service, I think they come to us hoping for a better experience, but prepared to do whatever it takes to have their students get the academic experience at the level they are entitled to have. Those parents have a lot of love and effort invested. Perhaps xxxx suggestion that we can take some of that into account while we are trying to get to that "next level" is a really good idea and part of our services.</p>

15

<p>I will not weigh in on the complexities of any situation involving a severely challenged child attempting to do college work. I simply have no personal reference point as either child , administrator, or parent (although I am an uncle to one).</p>

<p>God Bless them, and their parents, administration and the staff for making these "miracles" possible. To all : do what you need to do to work it out and survive. To the rest of us, I'd suggest this is a time for us to let the involved parties fight it out. And to the poor administrator that takes on my sister over a requested accomodation? Just give in now and save yourself some embarrassment.</p>

16

<p>
[quote]
15% reduction in tuition to all students who can spend a semester without speaking to a parent;

[/quote]
Can I get that one retroactively for my son's college years? I think I'm entitled to a refund.....</p>

17

<p>Calmom-- My S#2 would also have no problem qualifying for the tuition reduction. Last fall, after numerous emails (unanswered) and phone messages (unanswered) I finally had to threaten him with not getting him a plane ticket home for Christmas if he didn't contact me and let me know when his last final was. Well, at least he wasn't homesick.</p>

18

<p>Garland, I must apologize here because I don't think I tuned in that well to the level of disability involved or that these kids require personal care assistants. For some reason, I was blind to that but subsequent posts after the initial one make me realize that we are talking of very special needs here and I can't even tell if it is in a regular college setting or at a college for special needs students. If a student's disability involves having an assistant, we are talking of elements that I am not familiar with enough to even comment on what level of parental or adult involvement is necessary for that type of student to be in a college setting. It really is a situation which I am not familiar with and did not realize the level of disability involved or that the kids REQUIRED a personal assistant. Initially I read it as some parent wanted to become an on campus assistant to their kid, not realizing that the kid would require a personal care assistant (though ideally it would not be the parent in a college situation away from home). </p>

<p>The rest of my comments, about the other extreme (the NO parent contact) still stand. If anything, they stand stronger in the case of this sort of student. I don't think the idea of no parent contact is appropriate for any student. I find that schools (not talking colleges now) often have a tendency of anti-parent and I personally (even as an educator myself) am disgusted when schools or teachers come across as anti-parent. I see it as a partnership (talking K-12 now!!) and so reading anything that suggests no parent contact between even a parent and their child at college, reminds me of the anti-parent mentality taken further. I do think in college, for regular students, the parents should not be involved with professors/administrators about their kid unless every possible avenue that the student has pursued on their own has not worked and something important warrants such involvement but overall, for regular students, I think that there is a new era when college comes along and parents no longer are involved with the SCHOOL, but they should still be involved with their STUDENT. </p>

<p>Sorry for not fully understanding the scope of the initial post which now is clearer to me after reading subsequent posts.
Susan</p>

19

<p>Give me the helicoptr parent along with the AS or ADD child. Don't you just love it when some show up without their parents, and you are trying to explain things, write things, sign things. And the child is not taking notes, listening, following directions. You just know what is going to happen all semester, and who is not going to be here the following semester</p>

<p>AND (a little mushy for my tatstes)</p>

<p>If "love" is a behavior, and I believe that it is, then give me the parent who loves well but not wisely over the parent who does not love at all.</p>

20

<p>Soozie...I have to agree. There is a balance between too much parental involvement (correcting assignments, contacting professors, having a presence on campus) and no contact at all. At some point our children need to take charge of their lives. While this would not apply to a child who is physically or mentally handicapped in a way that this is not feasible, I would rather my child ask for advice, than have to insert myself into a situation. I imagine there are some instances (developing mental illness or alcohol issues) where the parent must become more active. It certainly isn't a black and white issue. </p>

<p>My son reported that some parents stayed for the entire freshman orientation week. This seems a bit unwarranted.</p>

<p>I teased him with this:</p>

<p><a href="http://www.thevictoriaadvocate.com/columnists/forman/story/3035028p-3518940c.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.thevictoriaadvocate.com/columnists/forman/story/3035028p-3518940c.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>This is a local father who has bought an RV to spend his son's last football season (senior+ year) with him at school. While some of the issues are compelling...the father has been a coach for many years and has not had time to see his son play in college...my children would be horrified if I showed up on/near their campus for any great length of time. ;)</p>