Well, there are a few bumps and rough edges but mostly everyone gets along pretty well and we all are working pretty well together to keep mom safe and happy. She’s improved a great deal with all the increased exercise and socialization in all our homes vs when she and dad were channel surfing in their unit at CCRC.
Visitation policies at my mother’s assisted living are about to get more stringent, and cold weather approaches. I am worried about loneliness.
I put a deposit down on a memory care place-again- where neighborhoods of 16 stay together with their own living and dining rooms, and don’t wear masks or distance due to recognition of dementia. The deposit is not binding. It gives 60 days and the savings with their (essentially COVID) discount is $32k a year over the memory care unit at her assisted living.
The advantages of a freestanding memory care place, without any assisted living attached, seems to be higher functioning residents, more freedom to roam (in normal times, more professionals trained in dementia, activities geared to cognitive deficits, checks on residents every hour and apparently a bit more cheery atmosphere (observation).
However I may have missed the moment: moving is incredibly disorienting of course.
I have given up on living with her. Can’t do it by myself.
@compmom - FWIW, there is never a good time to make a move. The family of 16 pod sounds really good to me! Plus that is a significant savings that you can use for enhanced care if something changes and your mom needs more one on one at any point. Good luck!
I wonder at what point we will have to move my parents. We were assuming that it would be OK in a year or so, but now I’m wondering. I guess we won’t worry about it for now, since my parents seem to be doing well.
@compmom- that living arrangement sounds promising. Does she start in memory care or assisted living? I like the pod idea.
She is in assisted living now @psychmomma. The proposed new facility is only memory care: the entire place and program are geared to folks with dementia.
All the best with this, @compmom . Memory care units can be at either assisted living level or skilled nursing level; can be confusing if one is just starting the search process.
My father with memory loss moved from AL (not exclusively memory care based) to a memory care skilled nursing unit within the same facility. The time was right, the quality of care excellent and neither of us ever looked back. When the head nurse told me that no matter what comes up, they can handle it, it was a huge relief. The dedication and skill sets of the staff allowed him to access all activities that he would enjoy without having to keep track of what was happening when and when his physical health deteriorated in his last year and a half, there was the medical expertise to handle that as well. I got to be a daughter, with very occasional advocacy thrown in. Wishing you peace of mind; you work so hard to see to it that your mother is in the best situation possible.
Thanks @travelnut. This memory care unit is not skilled nursing. I have had to hire a private nurse to do colostomy wafer change during COVID at her current place, and assisted living-level aides can change the bags.
I have two siblings: one was on board with the move a few months ago but is more of a “path of least resistance” person and now prefers her to stay where she is; the other is visiting from Florida for two days and is going to meet with administrators at the memory care facility, which I appreciate. Since I am the most involved, they will defer to me but we prefer consensus.
I wrote the director of her current AL to ask about the criteria for memory care there, in their 4th floor unit. No answer which is strange. It seems the main criteria involve liability for the facility.
@compmom I do think that dementia only places may have better trained staff since that is all they see. My parents are in the MC of an AL and as I have said here before, it is good if the person declines along a certain path. Behavior too far outside a certain path they are unable to handle.
I definitely appreciate the hourly check on residents - it helps to make sure that they are not staying in their rooms and isolating, that they are engaged, and of course it is good for safety’s sake
Got a call from my mother saying she was out of underwear. Then she said diapers. She doesn’t wear diapers. Then it turned out she was completely out of colostomy bags!
How does this happen at an $8k+ assisted living plus a $200/week private nurse? They didn’t even call me when the supply was low and it was my mother who called me today.
I checked with the medical supply company and I was correct: there should be two months’ worth (120) pouches left at this point.
Luckily I hid two older version pouches at the very top of her closet. Made an emergency order and paid for air shipping. Unbelievable.
Where did her two month supply go???
Are you certain she’s truly out of them? (I’m not remembering if you have access to her room now.) Pre covid, MIL used to call us when out of toothpaste, but she did have it.
@compmom she is not in memory care, right? In my experience, the personal care or AL side doesn’t do much if anything inside a resident’s unit unless they are contracted to provide showers.
Once my folks moved to MC, the aides were there and in their room a lot and certainly keep an eye on things like laundry and missing items. In MC I get calls a lot to say they need more shampoo, or mom could use new sneakers or things like that. None of that was noticed in PC.
I would expect that a private duty aide would notice but if she is there to “babysit’ mostly perhaps she/he is not really looking out for other things?
@surfcity the regulations have been loosened during COVID and the AL had promised to watch inventory. Furthermore, the private duty nurse is ONLY hired to do colostomy wafer change and has also been asked to watch inventory. If I cannot visit, indoors, then clearly someone has to watch supply. I had no way of knowing because I had ordered two whole months extra and she should not have run out until early December.
She has been in the AL for more than 5 years so we are well aware of the deficiencies of AL but with COVID and colostomy they have been in the room more to check on things. Not enough, but more.
I have made a deposit on memory care .
@compmom, oh thanks for that background. Wow, that is unacceptable! I hope the private duty agency will compensate you in some way - if that is the nurse’s main job, holy cow!
Had a big scare on Thursday. I had my 98-year-old mom tested for Covid in anticipation of her moving back into her independent living apartment today (with caregiver). They required a negative result before she could move back (she has been living with me since March when visitation was stopped at her facility). My husband and I were both tested, too. The doctor called me on Thursday and said that we were negative but Mom was positive! I felt that this had to be a false positive because Mom was perfectly fine and she hasn’t been out of my house in months.
I took her to the ER to be retested because the doctor said they could do a rapid test. Found out when I got there that that was incorrect, but they promised 24-48 hour results. They posted her result to her portal in less than 12 hours – she was negative, as I expected. But we were pretty freaked out until we got the good news. There’s no way that my husband and I wouldn’t have gotten infected if we brought her back home, but there was nowhere else we could have taken her except for a Covid ward at a local nursing home. I would never leave her there – it has a terrible reputation!
So now she has to get yet another negative result before her IL facility will let her return. I’ll take her tomorrow or Monday, I guess. Praying for that negative result!!!
@patsmom I hope you can find a drive-through testing site, much safer!
@looking forward I had the AL charge nurse and the private nurse search the apartment. I would never take my mother’s word 
She doesn’t even comprehend what colostomy pouches are.
I am doing an indoor apartment visit today. After Oct. 10, we are not going to be allowed in the rooms. I have gone into her room only once since those visits were possible in early summer: I have been meeting her outdoors.
This is my last chance to check the apartment, colostomy and wound supplies, refrigerator, and general condition of the place. I am nervous going in and may wear a face shield, which my mother has already seen and wasn’t too disturbed by.
With cold weather they will still offer window visits (with heater near the resident) and indoor visits in a common space close to the entrance. That is the new state protocol.
Families have not been behaving apparently. But the changes are related to weather and increased concerns about upticks.
Looking for some abbreviated advice here. I know it has been discussed previously on this thread, but with 733 pages, it will be hard for me to go through!
Dad died in June 2019 without making plans like he should have, knowing he wasn’t going to live a lot longer. It wasn’t a huge problem as what little he had, went to mom. While they were considered wealthy until their early 70’s, finances changed for them after that. They downsized to an apartment, which helped, but continued to live above their means. When dad died, we found that he had opened a few credit cards mom was unaware of, and had balances on ones he had his entire adult life. My husband took care working with the credit card companies, and now does my mothers bills for her.
While mom is healthy for an 89 year old, I know we need to make sure everything is in order in the event she takes a turn. I have a brother who does nothing and would be of no help at any point. My mother’s sister lives here, and the 3 of us are very close. One thing I know I need to do is get on mom’s safety deposit box as that is where all her jewelry is kept. My aunt is afraid my brother’s daughter, an attorney, will find a way to get a hold of the jewelry; we are not close to my brother’s kids.
What documents, or things do I need to do to make sure things are in order when the time comes? Mom is threatening to make a list of her jewelry as to which grandchild and greatgrand child get what piece of jewelry. My aunt and I are aware that we might need to sell a few pieces to cover any outstanding bills; mom does not know this! We all have our favorite piece we want, and my aunt and I will not be a problem deciding who keeps what.
As far as mom’s bank account, while neither my husband or I are on the account, we have online access to it. Do we want to make one of us a cosigner on the account; is there a reason as far as taxes we don’t want to do this? What is the best thing to do to allow someone, doesn’t matter if it is me or one of mom’s siblings, the ability to take care of matters after she is gone?
I am co-owner on my parent’s and my Uncle’s safety deposit box. As such I can go into it any time. Did it several years ago with Uncle and went through what was in there and have a vague idea of what he has, he was in good health at time but has no spouse or children and his brother (my dad) is 10 years older. What I recommend (and wish I had done with my uncle) is what I did with my parents when they moved theirs from one bank to another. We sat down and went through box together and inventoried what was there. I have a written record, including how the contents would be distributed. As co-owner I am guessing no other family member could gain access to box, even at parent’s death, without consulting you - but I would call the bank and talk to someone one about the options and legalities.
I’m also interested to hear about the legalities of dealing with a list of how to give out possessions if not part of will. She could just give pieces to who she want to have them now. If there is no money to pay debts after her death who would they be collected from with your dad gone? We’re redoing our estate stuff in a couple of weeks and I’m gathering questions.