Not yet, niece is out of town. I have encouraged her to be honest when my niece returns next week. We’ll see how it goes.
My mom has a difficult time being honest with someone if she thinks it will hurt their feelings. That’s when she calls me in, to be the heavy. lol But we all understand the dynamic so it’s fine. I hope your niece can hear the real issue and not be side-tracked into feeling unsupported in her decision to have a kid.
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I think you need to make it clear to the niece that your mother cannot, CANNOT, be left alone with the baby. She might be able to do a feeding or changing, but she can’t be the only adult in the house. Be honest with the niece that your mother didn’t have the temperament to take care of your father alone, and that older people do ‘lose it’ when under stress. And babies induce stress at times. Your mother may also not have the physical strength to navigate holding a baby, balancing, doing another chore like filling a bottle, etc.
If your niece stays, she needs to arrange child care when she’s out of the house. Even those who work from home have child care for their babies, either in the home or at a center. She needs to have a list of chores she does (shopping, meal prep, lawn) and a list of what your mother can do or pay to have done. She’s got a great deal going, and she needs to help
And your mother can hear it too. “Mom, you are too old to take care of a baby, even for 2-3 hours. Babies are too much work. We don’t know if this one will have colic or GERD or just need to be held for hours at a time. Niece needs to arrange day care and ‘evening care’ if she wants to go out.”
My mother was great with my kids when she was 64 and they were 4. She’s pick them up from day care and feed them dinner, could have them over for a full day on Saturdays. She could even go skiing with us. A few years later? Nope (but the kids were more independent and could help more). She couldn’t have helped with babies for long periods at age 70+ and she worked until age 80 and was still cutting the grass at age 87, but she did it all at her pace, not as a baby would need things done.
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Good advice, @twoinanddone, very specific words I can use. My mom said she didn’t think she could do this at her age (82) and I told her to tell my niece that she’s an old woman with dementia, and she can’t watch a baby. She laughed and said, “That’s right!” I will be the heavy, as @Youdon_tsay was, if necessary, though I definitely do not like that role. But it’s not right that once again my mom would have to be a caretaker, when she hasn’t spent any time with a baby for sixty years.
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@busdriver this is a tough situation. It sounds as if initially the niece moving in was a help but that now your mom may be the one to give help- if things remain as they are.
I hope your mother can agree to independent living and that the niece has an alternative plan.
It is nice to be happy for the niece, but your main concern is for your mom, and clearly she cannot babysit.
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IMHO since it is unsafe and a strain on @busdriver11 's mother (who is the homeowner) - you need to say, something to the effect of “I am happy you are fulfilling your dream of being a mother. However you need to make a plan to live elsewhere prior to the baby’s birth so you can be settled when you bring the baby home from the hospital. A baby cannot be part of a living arrangement at mother’s home due to her need for stable, quiet home due to her age and medical conditions. As an adult, you can understand this. You may not return to mother’s home with a baby.” Then let her figure things out. If she is not moved out in the weeks prior to the baby’s birth, you have to step it up and get her out - otherwise she will continue to milk the situation.
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@busdriver11 I agree that it’s a terrible idea for your niece to continue to live with your mother after she’s had her baby. But it sounds like your mother has gotten some benefit with your niece’s presence in her home, and it may be helpful to acknowledge that to niece, and to be sure to have a plan in place that replaces the benefits–companionship, household assistance, e.g. Talk to mom to define it. Best to you!
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No, I wouldn’t take it upon myself to tell my niece to move unless my mother requested it. I love my mom, but I love my niece too, and it’s very possible they can work this out. People live in multi-generational households all the time. My mom is smart and fit, she can run circles around most people. She just has the memory issues from dementia. I think we can work my mother’s logistical concerns out (increased heat and prove to her that the neighbors can’t hear every little thing), but we need to be clear that mom won’t be able to babysit. At this point, there really are no other living options, and though I’m pro-choice, I’m not going to be the cause of this pregnancy to end. I’ll step in when I need to, but I won’t overstep.
I’ve found that people rarely take my advice on issues, which is frustrating, because I think I’m a very good problem solver. My mom listens more than most. And then forgets what I say. At this point, I’m in control of very little, and can only offer my advice. Thank you to everyone for your help, as you all have helped me clarify the situation.
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Two things (or maybe more…) 
I know you have your mom’s best interest. Clearly you’re trying to be proactive. 
This might be a difficult things for some families, but I also admire your niece - as long as she has the maturity and means - to seek in some way to become a parent before she is too old to conceive. We aren’t talking about a 22 year old here.
If you are frank about your mom’s state, if mom agrees, if niece agrees and is responsible, you could always see how things go when baby comes. Set down a few strict requests (mom is not left with baby EVER alone, niece contributes some $ if necessary, niece secures some child care even if she is working from home so that at least during the day, the house is baby/cry free.
Of course all IF mom agrees with this. Who knows, maybe it works out, maybe niece decides to move out, etc.
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I think this sounds like an agreeable and reasonable option. It’s good for us to be clear on this right now, far ahead of time so the expectations are set. As far as means and maturity, there are no means whatsoever, and I guess we’ll find out about maturity. She is absolutely fantastic with kids, so that is wonderful. Come to think of it, I wonder how many jobs out there exist with in house daycare facilities. Hmm….
Thanks all for the help. I’m feeling more positive that I can help my mother navigate this situation better!
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Three generation households can indeed be wonderful I am impressed with your wisdom and your excellent respect for boundaries. And as you also said, no babysitting!
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If your niece is job hunting, and is good with kids, maybe she looks into working at a daycare or preschool. Many offer free or low cost tuition for staff members. There is a shortage of teachers and aides, where she might be able to get a meaningful job.
Just a thought.
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Good idea. She has a college degree, works in HR, but maybe that’s useful as far as a child related field. Low/free childcare is a huge benefit that should be factored in. She has not been looking for a new job at this point, however.
Just got off the phone with my mom and passed on some of these ideas to her, which she likes a lot. She feels much better and wants us to all have a conversation, which I think we can present in a reasonable way. Mom understands that I’m her advocate, and she is my top priority. There are many months for my niece to figure out childcare arrangements. An 82 yr old woman with dementia who has injured her wrists just picking up grocery bags is not going to be holding a baby unless she’s on the couch, and not by herself.
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Seems I dipped into this thread just in time. My sister called tonight to say that she is going to start sleeping at my mom’s tomorrow. Today, for the third time in a month, she set off the fire alarm. My sister hasn’t told my mom yet that this is happening, but we don’t feel like we can give her a choice in the matter at this point.
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Is your mom setting off the fire alarm because of the stove? If so, I did have some success with that issue. I removed my mom’s range from her house (with her permission, she knew it was a problem, since she was always leaving the stove on) and now she uses a hot plate in a safer location. Also uses the microwave more often, as we got a new one set up that’s more user friendly. Is removing her stove a possibility (if that’s the problem)?
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My brother suggested that. Yes, it’s because she leaves the stove on while either falling asleep or getting distracted, like going outside to rake leaves.
I wonder if she understands it’s a serious problem and would accept removing it? My mom was afraid to use the microwave because of the fear of radiation risk…my God, leaving the stove on is a billion times more risk than radiation from microwaves, especially the newer ones, good grief!
I have looked for stoves that turn off after a set amount of time and they just don’t appear to exist. There are devices you can put on the stove that will do that, if you or your brother are handy. Seemed a little complicated to me, but worth it if you prevent a house fire.
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Some also turn off power to stove at breaker box.
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And that would do it, if Mom didn’t agree to ditch the stove! Good idea.
Some people remove the knobs, but I guess that might be a reminder of cooking on a stove. I know an older person who also set a fire in the microwave.
I wonder if this issue with stove is a symptom of a larger problem that would mean she cannot live alone. Is your sister moving in permanently?
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