My MIL fell out of bed somewhere along the line between when she went to bed Thursday night & when the aide brought her breakfast Friday morning. Fortunately, she wasn’t hurt. The AL called my SIL, and she met with the hospice nurse. They determined that MIL needs a hospital bed. MIL insists that she didn’t fall out of bed (guess she just likes sleeping on the floor?). However, she did agree to the hospital bed - for now. We’ll see if she remembers when it arrives & her real bed is removed. I think it’s going to be difficult when that happens.
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I’m sorry. I hope it goes smoothly.
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I’ve heard it described as living in their world
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My mother: “Can you buy me a bottle of gin?”
Me: “Sure, tomorrow…”
The eternal tomorrow. My brothers would reason with her and I finally told them to tell her I would get it…tomorrow!
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We do this with meds for Dad "okay, we’ll take it today, and tomorrow you can skip it ". Sometimes it works, sometimes not.
Today he has his appointment with the pcp, who has indicated he can’t lie to Dad, but will “reason” with him about the imaginary tumor in his head.
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I always think about this wonderful This American Life episode about a couple using Improv skills to connect with/manage life with the woman’s mother who suffers from dementia Rainy Days and Mondys - This American Life
Headed back to my mom’s in a couple of hours. My sister and her son have Covid so I’m going to relieve my SIL who has been there day and night. She and my mom were exposed to my nephew on Sunday but for less than an hour and tested negative today so I am going to relieve her until my sister can take over or Tuesday, whichever happens first. I already had planned to go Saturday but said I’d be happy to go earlier if she wanted.
I’m not looking forward to this trip. I’ll be happy that, hopefully, everyone stays away so it’ll just be me and my mom, but I find myself increasingly having differences with everyone there. I’m trying to cut them some slack and hope that I can hide my mood. Everyone says how much better she is when I am there, and yet no one wants to do the things I do when I’m there that make a difference. Also, my SIL just gets things wrong. She thought three Ensures were the 1,200 calories/day the doctor said she needed. No, three get her to 660. I think that’s why she didn’t care that my mom wasn’t eating, because she thought three Ensures were enough. Her new solution is to have her drink four a day. Whatever. I’m not there 24/7, and we get what we get.
Exactly. Is this SIL your brother’s wife? If so, then what does your brother do for your mother?
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Doctors always say 1200 calories a day. Is your mom unable to eat? Does she enjoy the Ensure? Ensure has a lot of vitamins: is it safe to have 4? (I have no idea) I do know 4 is a lot to drink for someone who isn’t eating.
If your mother’s nutrition is entirely Ensure I wonder if it might be okay to “let” her just ingest less. Is she healthy otherwise? Why is she not eating? Or is the Ensure being given just to get up to that 1200 calorie level?
Yes.
My brother was so good in my dad’s final years. He can step up. But it seems like the idea of losing my mom is rocking his world. His wife keeps telling my sister to keep things from him and to not ask him to help out. My SIL is really bearing the brunt of this, which I think is really unfair, but it’s their business and I’m not going to get involved.
My mom can eat well. Today, she ate a Whataburger Jr and some fries for an early dinner and will have an Ensure about 8. My mom will tell you “they” aren’t giving her enough. Personally, I think my SIL wants her to eat on the SIL’s schedule rather than how my mom always has eaten – breakfast by 8 and an early dinner. So mom isn’t hungry when they give her food.
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Since SIL doesn’t want her H involved, then there really isn’t much anyone can do. Was she very close to MIL in the past? I couldn’t/wouldn’t do that for an in-law.
One of my sibs was very upset when we had to decide to put my mother on “comfort care.” He wanted a second opinion. Of course I as the local sib was to be the one to arrange for that. I told him that if he wanted that, he could come down, make the appointment, and take our mother to that appointment. Of course he wasn’t willing to do that (and, in fact, had come down to visit our mother very little up to that point).
I would have been glad to have been one of the out of town sibs.
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When my sister said she wasn’t comfortable with my having sole POA for Dad, I said fine, but you’ll have to make all the arrangements to be added. That was the end of that.
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There are many different high calorie drinks. Boost has a high calorie drink which is 530 calories per 8 oz.
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Just realized I never answered you. No, my SIL isn’t close to my mom. In fact, my mom doesn’t much care for her, mostly unfounded. They simply do things differently, and that drives my mom nuts. Some of it drives me nuts, too, but I wish my mom realized how she is key in the current arrangement.
I came home Tuesday, and yesterday my sister went into the hospital. This whole arrangement depends on healthy caretakers, and my sibs and SIL simply aren’t equipped. One of them has been in the hospital/ER for three of the past four months, since full-time care started.
All the more surprising that your SIL takes the key role in the current arrangement. You said she does it to take the burden off your brother, her H. Is he the one who’s been in the ER/hospital so much in the past four months? Or has it been your sister?
Refresh my memory – your two sibs are the ones who refuse any outside help or a facility for your mother? Is your mother also refusing outside help or a facility?
In January, my sister went to the ER. In February, my SIL went to the ER. In March, my sister went to urgent care but no ER. Last night, my sister went back to the ER. In good news, they didn’t admit her, but she still tests positive for Covid. She was sent home at 1:45 this morning.
Yes, my siblings are mostly resistant to outside help. My SIL is not. My mother increasingly is open to the idea, but when she brings it up, my sister reminds her that she “never wanted anyone in this house.” NOT helpful, and it infuriates me. I think they are worried about mom’s safety (mostly my brother), of course, but also draining their inheritance (mostly my sister).
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It’s been 13 days since anyone has posted…how is everyone? If it’s easier, try rating the past 14 days on a scale of 1-10.
Grieving people,hugs to you. No need to rate how it is going
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5
When talking to my mom tonight, she was so sad. I offered to bring her here, just to see what she’d say. She said that she really appreciates the offer, but she doesn’t want to leave the house. She says my SIL is helpful, but the “other woman from San Antonio” isn’t. There is no other woman from SA. I think that’s who she thinks my SIL is. 
Hence the 5. No days feel particularly good or bad at this point.
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I’m happy that my sister’s inlaws finally accepted that they need to live in a retirement facility. My BIL got them settled in and returns home Saturday. It’s been over three months!!
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I was talking about this recently!
That the hardest part is getting the parent to agree to move. And equally hard, getting the siblings to agree.
Things with my mom are great! She is so happy at her independent living facility. She’s less stressed because she doesn’t have to worry about what is going to break at the house? Or who to hire to keep up the house?
She’s sleeping better and eating better. The house is sold and the estate sale is over. The proceeds are going into safe investments.
Mom is out and about all the time.
And me, I don’t have a reason to fight or deal with my sibling. And that’s great for me.
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