It’s been a mixed bag couple of days, so 5. We are spending the week visiting MIL for her 96th birthday. She chooses to spend most of her time in bed & the rest of it on her couch. She hasn’t been out of her room (other than a few feet down the hall to get her hair done once a week) since our last visit in late February. We can typically get her to go out at least once when we’re here, but I don’t think it’s happening this time.
My 70 year old SIL may end up keeling over before MIL does. It’s a very complicated situation, and some of her stress is self-inflicted … some is MIL-inflicted … and some is just how it is in this type of situation. A lot of things are going on that really shouldn’t be, and they are making the situation worse. But given the players, it’s just how it’s going to play out. We appreciate everything SIL does and we wish she would do some things differently. But it’s not our place to comment, because she is the one who is doing the work.
Dad is at the ENT today, having his ears supercleaned so the doctor can actually see what the root of his new and complete hearing loss is. Dad remains convinced, inexplicably, that he has a growth in his nose that has expanded to his ears. Meanwhile, his oxygen intake continues to worsen but his pulmonologist can’t/won’t see him until August. He sleeps from 7pm until 1pm the following day, many days. I think he isn’t taking his zoloft again but we can’t make him comply.
The nonprofit he has been CEO of, and Mom his admin assistant, for 18 years had the county issue a proclamation of appreciation for them as part of edging them to the sidelines (with our hearty blessings). M/D are still waiting for passwords to the newly updated computers and have not sussed out that that is intentional (and our suggestion, behind our parents’ back, bc there was no other graceful way to extract them).
DH was called away for work so I am an additional 400 miles away. Talk to Mom every day. Sibs and we have coordinated our summers so she is not without one of us at any point.
Like @deb922 , my parents finally and reluctantly moved into an independent living facility. They love it! Mom has people to talk to and goes to several activities and classes each week. The place is brand new and fantastic. Great food, very friendly and accommodating staff. We feel so fortunate. House is sold,estate sale a success, thanks to lots of hard work by my sister and BIL. Dad’s hearing and cognitive ability limits his involvement but the new motorized scooter makes getting around the building easy. He’s aware of the loss and has stated that he’s ready to go - he never expected to live this long anyway. Meanwhile there’s ball games on the big TV in the pub downstairs so all is not bad. So 9 out of 10 on location.
They both are very easily confused and defensive about money. They have plenty but like many their generation can’t get used to it. So 4 out of 10 for that.
MIL is getting more and more frail but is sharp and enjoys friends at her AL place. There are days when we are convinced she will outlive us all !
I guess maybe a 5 as well. Mom is fairly ok and has moments of contentment when eating fav foods or holding our hands but the cancer continues to cause her pain and bleeding and she keeps getting transfusions as ordered by my POA sibling.
Mom just messaged us to say she found Dad on the phone with Vanguard, asking to buying a million dollars worth of equities. She says he was kidding. A few days ago, he announced they need to amend their taxes bc they did (or didn’t, it varies) give 25K to their church. Preferred sibling is working this one, but his wife (unbeknowst yet to Mom) is starting chemo in three weeks.
We got him an appointment with his pulmo team and I had to spend hours on multiple phone calls to get a time that worked bc Mom was afraid to “bother” them so took a time impossible to make bc they are 90 minutes away. Local sibling is working this one. I did all the phone calls in our car as we drove home from my husband’s work trip. Nurses could not possibly have been nicer.
He sees apples on the apple tree. He bought more oxymeters , believing his read so low bc they are broken. He had the water system serviced for no reason at all. But his primary doctor says he’s fine and signed off on Mom’s driver’s license renewal.
So my siblings disconnected the starter on her car, for now.
What is it with doctors and old people? My FIL’s never bothered to tell him that his pain medication was an opioid, and that he could not drive anymore because he was taking it daily.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. It’s not fun.
My oldest had a mental health crisis and this sometimes reminds me of that – you just can’t actually find any help of a useful kind. I did not expect that (but I should have)
As we say in the vernacular, @greenbutton, oy vey! My sympathy and empathy. My father used to carry a ton of cash in his wallet to pay people off if he got into a fender bender. I like to think he never hurt anyone, but who knows? He’s gone just about 9 years now and I still occasionally wake up from a dream worrying about him driving.
My mom has been having a bunch of tests following up on some of her balance & behavior changes a few months ago. I won’t go into it all, but her regular neurologist isn’t that great, it turns out.
She ended up getting referred to a couple of specialists in Boston. Long story short, she has new growth of a couple of meningiomas that she had treatment for in the past. She has lost part of her vision in one eye, but it was happening slowly so she didn’t realize what was happening. (?!) The neurosurgeon strongly recommended she have the tumor on her optic nerve surgically removed (last time they did radiation). Surgery scheduled for end of June.
Honestly, I’m pretty panicked about the additional care she is going to need. (I know that is selfish!) I have one kid with some emotional challenges (mild ASD) starting college in Aug, another entering his senior year and needing help with college application stuff, and 2 younger fully disabled kids. My pulse is racing just listing it out here. We do have a family friend who is going to come for a week or two to help out.
No, you are not selfish! You have a lot to deal with already in your life!
I haven’t read your previous posts, so forgive me for asking do you live close to her? Do you do caregiving for her already? Does she live by herself? Are you an only child?
She lives with us and I help her with some things. She doesn’t drive & needs more than average help with remembering things (I turn off the stove so many times! ) or figuring out things that aren’t routine for her. And lately she’s had some trouble walking—she stumbles or weaves, and needs some support.
I have a brother but he lives in the other side of the country and his life isn’t as stable as mine is.
They are benign, thankfully, but they seem to recur and grow. She was diagnosed with the first one 35 years ago and it was surgically removed. They found 3 more 15 years ago which were smaller and treated with radiation. The 2 the neurosurgeon says are growing are 2 of the 3 they found last time.
We are light on details for the surgery. She saw the neurosurgeon for the first time on Thursday. He wanted to move quickly and on Friday scheduled the surgery for the end of June (to give her time to visit my brother before). We’re supposed to meet with the surgeon again soon (?) to ask questions and get details. When I looked up the type of surgery they are doing it said recovery was 3-9 days in hospital, and could be followed by time in rehab but not always.
Oh, also she lives with us. Our only first floor bedroom is occupied by my son in a wheelchair (CP) so if she can’t navigate stairs when she is discharged we’re going to have to figure something else out.
You have a full plate for sure. Rehab might be helpful though we always tended to take my mother out because it involved an hour or two of therapy and the rest of the time in bed. I guess the surgeon will tell you if she will be able to negotiate stairs, or maybe you already know.
That is good to know. Her tendency is to spend a lot of time in bed anyway. I think we’ll really have to push her to get up and around, and if a rehab place would let her stay in bed most of the day she would.
One of the questions we’ll ask the doctor is about stairs post surgery.
We’ve actually been looking for a house with a second 1st floor bedroom (ideally an in-law area) for the past 4 years. But as you can imagine it has been a challenge to find anything in MA that is big enough for 7 people (including 4 boys between 10 and 18!), commutable to south of Boston and NH, and also affordable. We’re pretty much limited to the 495 corridor between 90 & 95 because of the commutes, and the unicorn house hasn’t appeared there yet.
Your mother is only one of the people living in your house. I am concerned that you will be taking on far more than you should. And, in honesty here, I think you already have taken too much on. You have 4 children, 3 of whom have special needs, correct?
I wouldn’t have been able to have my mother move in under those circumstances, quite frankly. I don’t see how your mother can move back in with you after the surgery, unless a rehab stay can get her back to her previous level of functioning.
Has a facility ever been considered? (I realize, though, that having your mother live with you might be wonderful so far.) This might be the time to revisit that, depending upon what happens after surgery. I suggest you have a Plan A, Plan B, etc.
I’m back at mom’s this weekend, planned this time rather than an emergency. My sister is out of town for a long weekend so I came for five days.
My mom is so much worse this trip. Used to struggle with sundowners but now she wakes up confused. She doesn’t know who I am today. She thinks I’m one of her sister’s daughters. That doesn’t bother me so much, but when she asked whether I had kids I wanted to cry. She’s always been such a good grandmother to my kids. I wish I knew how much longer she will be with us.
I live in MA as well. The real estate market is frozen. As @CTTC mentioned, it might be time to look at a facility, even for a month or two or three. My mother went to rehab as a transition, and then did a short term stint at assisted living, then returned home. A year later she chose to go back to the assisted living. So there are many options.
Getting a new house (in this market) to accommodate an elderly parent doesn’t seem like the best course of action but I also understand the desire to keep everyone together. I lived in a two room studio so I could not take my mother in, and she also chose to sell her house, so it happened more easily for us!
My mom moved in with us 8 years ago when she retired, to help because I had 4 kids 10 and under, and also because she didn’t have enough savings to support herself living independently for the rest of her life. (Long story with a late in life divorce from my dad & she didn’t get a fair settlement.)
Anyway, she went downhill quicker than my kids grew up, so is more work than help now. But I appreciate her years of help, and I also like her company. She is definitely semi-independent right now and would be aghast at the idea of assisted living, even if she could afford it. For instance, she keeps saying maybe she’ll start driving again next month (she hasn’t driven in 5 years). But her reaction time is extremely (dangerously) slow and she feels like she’s going to have a seizure (a problem since the first brain surgery) if she has too many sensory inputs, and now we know she is losing vision is one eye. On the other hand, I know our house is more…active…than she would prefer, so the right alternative situation might be attractive to her.
I’ll think about options for outside help and alternative arrangements. Unfortunately, planning & making any kind of change takes significant time and effort too.
ETA: I’ll see what the doctor says about expectations after the surgery. A month or two elsewhere might be easier for her and us, if I can find somewhere appropriate.
My sister is out of town for a long weekend so I came for five days.