My MIL spent her life helping others. When she needed help, she wouldn’t ask. She didn’t want to bother people. I asked her if she was bothered when others asked her for help, and she said no. So I asked her how she felt when she helped. She said it made her feel good. So I told her that she was keeping friends from feeling good when they helped her. Unfortunately, my logic fell flat. I think that women especially have trouble moving from caretaker to being taken care of.
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Same with my mom. She has such trouble asking people for any help. It’s very frustrating
Today I went to a luncheon for a recently widowed friend who is moving to be with her daughter. Our neighborhood has a few older ladies who don’t drive anymore and a few whose memory is failing.
People picked up those and made arrangements. People were happy to be at lunch and we were happy they were there.
We have a friend who’s in assisted living. The plan was for one to pick her up and another to take her home. It’s on the other side of town. At the end the person who picked her up said we are going shopping now so don’t worry.
I wish older people could understand that it’s no burden, in fact it’s a pleasure to be around our friends.
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We should all take note of this “you’re not a burden” talk because many of us are our mothers daughters and with the number of people saying “my mom did that too”…means we will probably do the same!
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Thank you for saying this. This is my first time posting in this thread, but I follow because my mom has dementia. She is doing really well — my sister, who is single and childless, lives four houses away and spends evenings with her. She had to stop driving in October, so I can take her where she needs during the day. She still cooks some, cleans, does lots of yard work, etc.
Sometimes I feel like a Pollyanna because things will get harder, but I try to focus on all that is good right now: she is really healthy and physically active; she is able to live on her own in a walkable, close knit neighborhood; and she is able to enjoy her family.
It is heartening to hear that her peers don’t necessarily see her as a burden. Her personality doesn’t sparkle as much as it once did, but she is still the sweet and kind person she has always been. I really appreciate hearing that you enjoy your friends who aren’t able able to be as independent as you are. 
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My mom’s friends were incredible when she had dementia. She played cards regularly, and when the time came when she was unable to figure out her hand, they helped her. They could have dropped her from the group, but they didn’t. They knew how much she loved milkshakes, so they would take her to Steak & Shake once a week during happy hour. They checked in on her constantly, helping as much as my dad would let them (he didn’t want to accept my mom’s condition as reality, but her friends understood). After my mom passed away, her friends were there for us. I really learned the value of allowing friends to help during that time.
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Also of picking good friends, right?
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Yay—after over a year of my begging and pleading, poa bro has finally reluctantly consented to allow mom to have hospice to help ease her pain now that she’s only likely to have a week or two left before her body gives it up.
It has been much more of a struggle than it should have been and created a lot of resentment.
I’m so sorry @HImom. May your mom be free of pain
Family dynamics are so difficult
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Sounds like poa bro will need grief support from hospice, too. To be in such denial, wow, & having such different opinion…. So sorry.
Yes, the staff FINALLY have the authority to give her enough morphine that she’s finally comfortable and able to sleep instead of clawing at her skin and beating herself and agitated.
Peace to your family at this hard time. May her time left be physically and emotionally comfortable.
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It is so common to wait for hospice until the last weeks or even days. It is too bad. People can be on hospice for months or even years in some cases.
I hope the morphine is oral/under the tongue. I don’t know how often this happens but when the pain was great, my mother was given IV morphine (low dose) and she was never really conscious again, and died two days later. Just want to make sure you are aware of that possibility- of not being able to communicate once the morphine given is IV.
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Her morphine has always been injected in tiny syringe under tongue. Mom’s basically been unconscious since she started receiving it.
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Sending you thoughts and hoping she is more peaceful.
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Thinking of you and your family, @HImom. Appreciate what you have shared here and wishing you comfort and. peace of mind.
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I do! My younger sibling is just clueless, but if I ask them to take dinner over during X time frame they will (they live 25 min away, does not own a home, is not married, does not have kids, does not have a pet, etc.) They think calling them twice a week is taking care of them.
My oldest sibling is a 2 hour drive away, retired, retired spouse, no kids, plays golf every day. They went 8 months without visiting. It is irritating to hear them say “They did right by us, we need to do right by them” and “I told mom and dad to let us take care of the details”, etc. Uh, what details, exactly are you taking care of?!
Meanwhile, my sis and I are (who are both working more than full time) are taking care of everything. And my spouse, who does way more than my siblings!
Frustrating because my parents have been fantastic parents our entire lives and gave us an amazing childhood.
Younger sibling once said “if something happen, older sibling would be there in a second”. I replied that our parents needed us more now.
But we decided it is probably easier than the older one showing up every now and then and trying to take charge!
@HImom I hope your family’s journey is going smoothly and comfort is around you
Local sibling rose to the challenge, we cancelled part, but not all, of our trip. Preferred sibling is travelling from out of state to return. I spent a day w M/D at the hospital and was there for the first convos w hospice; LS picked it up from there and we other two provided doctor info and researched hospice choices from our cars and funneled it back to him. PS and I contacted family to let them know – my uncle just passed away and my mom’s best friend is in the room next door at the hospital so it’s been a lot for her this week.
Dad will be moved to hospice on Monday. He is still confused and often angry, insisting that he is fine and unable to understand that is the hypoxia. We had a choice between a nursing facility full of people that basically outsources hospice care, or a small 3-person hospice staffed 24/7 with support services for the primary caregiver. Mom wanted Dad to participate in choosing, we had all talked about preferring the small one, but eventually she and LS had to persuade him to try the small place (he just was stuck on wanting to go home). We are relieved with the choice. And onward into the unknown we travel, but together.
I thought I would feel sad, or something, and mostly I feel disbelief, which is dumb bc we could see this was coming. But I still can’t wrap my head around the idea he will be gone. That’s probably normal.
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I’m so sorry for you and your family and am glad a choice was made that works for all of you. My mom went from hospital (where she was talking and eating), to skilled nursing where she had to switch to puréed food and had difficulty swallowing to actively dying all in the space of a month or so. Those of us who spent a lot of time with her could see the progression but those who only had short visits maybe once a week had a lot harder time wrapping their head around it all.
I’m glad my kids chose to fly to spend time with my mom in the last 2 weeks before she became pretty much non-communicative and can cherish those memories.
For people who still have loved ones who can talk, it may be good to interview them and video them talking. We did that with mom in October and D will be sharing that 30 minute video with everyone. It’s a nice keepsake, imho.
Definitely normal! Thinking of you, and @himom too.
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@greenbutton totally get the disbelief and shock even when you thought it might happen.