@greenbutton — so sorry your family is experiencing things so quickly. There’s never a “good” or “right” time. Things happen quickly sometimes — really hard to digest when it’s a different timeline than we expect.
Thank you.
My siblings and I had been gently pushing M/D to get him to skilled care since the beginning of the year – he clearly needs it and we’d started focusing on her quality of life and health going foward. He has a progressive incurable lung disease, a pacemaker, is nearly totally deaf and lost quite a bit of his sight. His primary care doctor is sorta a doofus but we decided that didn’t matter too much bc there is nothing to be done.
So we had all talked about hospice , so I thought I would feel sad, and I just feel relief, yes of course, but not sad. Even at the house, thinking he’ll never see this again, he’ll never meet great grandchild #5 due in Dec — I clearly have some resevoir of deep disbelief and I want to shake myself. But perhaps it is how our brain protects us so we can get things done. He is so unlike himself right now, I feel heartbroken for mom, who wants that goodbye and may not get that at all.
The disbelief continues when they are gone! I do think there is a protective shock factor and you have to focus on doing what needs to be done. I hope things unfurl in a way that you can remember well, in the future, when the shock slowly wears off. Peace to your father and family.
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“You have to focus on doing what needs to be done”.
I think this is absolutely true. Whether you have a day, month or year to prepare. My mom was ill only one day - woke up now well, was gone by the the end of the night. I was the one with her in the hospital and I just remember constantly triaging in my mind:
“Get mom to the hospital and hopefully they let me stay with her”
“Try to keep mom calm even though the docs are trying to decide if there is a way to treat/surgery her”.
“Surgery may be imminent - notify the family”
“Docs now think if they do surgery she will likely not make it and if she does will need lifetime care” - make the decision fast.
“She’s not going to make it - get any close by family here as fast as possible”
I can remember telling myself, “this is happening, it’s real” but just putting my mind and energy into making decisions for her, and being the “lifeline” so to speak to family near and far to keep them informed and give them their last moments with her - either in person or via phone.
You just follow the journey - and yes, it doesn’t end with their death but in many ways - often ok and good - the journey continues for….forever! 
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Also, I look back and realize that I mixed efforts at acceptance with last ditch efforts to save my mom. She was unconscious and not able to drink or take pills but the first morning in the hospice facility I called PCP and the lovely folks at the Coumadin Clinic desperate to get Coumadin into her! Riciculous. The hospice nurse said “Noone here does Coumadin.” It was like a gut punch. I looked at my mother’s My Chart that same day and the Coumadin Clinic stated “therapy terminated.” These are signposts of grief along the way that seemed to break through denial but I still can’t believe it happened!
@abasket you did a great job and your family was lucky to have you!
Ugh, my poor sister and BIL. You will recall that he spent over three months in Indiana while his dad was in the hospital and then moving them to a nice retirement facility. They seemed to be adjusting well.
Sis and BIL drove from Austin to Indianapolis a few days ago to start getting the parents’ house ready to sell. When they visited the parents, the dad said, “Oh, you don’t need to do that. We called movers and we are moving back to the house next Tuesday.” ?!?!?! It’s too ridiculous for words. Sis and BIL tried to get their doctor involved, but he never called back. There seems to be nothing to do. They tried and tried to reason with the parents with no luck. They told them that LS has her own issues (an understatement) and won’t be able to help. They pointed out that the dad falls a lot and has called 911 frequently, and the mom said, “Oh, he’s on medication for his balance and he’s better now.” BIL was all set up to start paying their bills, too. After a couple of days of futile arguments (the mom, especially, was getting pretty angry), Sis and BIL said, “Fine, then, we’ll drive back to Texas, and you’ll have to manage everything on your own.” What a mess. I feel so bad for BIL, who has poured his heart and soul into helping his parents. I’m proud of him for stepping back and letting go at this point.
I think it would time for a “come to Jesus” moment with the parents. To point out how their decisions are affecting the son’s/wife lives too! To point out the obvious, though hard that they are not in shape to be on their own.
A bad situation. 
My mom passed at 4:30am. She was very peaceful and in no pain.
So sorry for all you have been through but glad she is at peace.
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@himom…wishing You peace and wonderful memories…
Peace to you and your entire family.
Peace @ HImom .
Sorry @HImom. Glad your kids got to see their grandmother
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I’m so sorry. You’ve been through so much, she was well loved. May her memory be a blessing.
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So sorry, HImom. Hugs.
So sorry @HImom.
Bringing back some unpleasant memories… I was the one having to focus. I was the one talking to nurses/doctors, still trying to figure logistics…just everything it seems. Maybe I shouldn’t have done it and just let go at the time. Everyone was asking me questions and I was as clueless as the others. And someone has to hold it together. So now you feel heartless. And the second guessing you do afterwards for your last decisions (which nobody else seems to have even attempted to make) haunts you terribly. Nobody ever questioned my decisions but it still feels at times like everyone else got a huge head start on grieving while I was still in “command” mode.
Wishing you comfort and peace, @HImom.
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I didn’t second guess anything and I was at least until things became critical, the only one allowed to be at the hospital due to Covid restrictions- honestly I probably broke some rules calling local family in for some moments but I just did it. I have some medical background, I understood exactly what they were telling me and I knew my moms wishes - as did my sibs
Can certainly happen though that you second guess yourself. You do the best you can with decisions and your medical team hopefully plays an important role in guiding you.
This is just 20/20 hindsight advice if you find yourself in “leadership role” for lack of a better term. There are a lot of moving parts but the most important parts are still your family and their feelings and wishes. It is not the hospitals/nurses/doctors wishes. All those are secondary.
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