can you tell your Dad that the bank required a change of PIN since he travelled without notice? You know, limit their money but blame the bank?
This is a worst-nightmare kind of thing, I think you are managing well. I would call the pcp and see what he thinks but I know many pcps are cowards when it comes to declaring someone unfit to manage. Insulate yourself and his money but there’s only bad choices and worse ones out here in “parent misbehavior” land. Do what your gut says.
And here I was, worried bc my Dad’s hospice has started hinting that it’s time for Valium or Halidol to blunt the worst of his anger and confusion. Seems so manageable next to these other scenarios.
That is a great idea, actually. I will have to wait until he/they withdraw money on the road because the original withdrawal I noticed was from an ATM in the town he lives in and the bank wouldn’t flag that. But if they try to take out money on the road, I can trot out that excuse. I think he would buy it.
The GF is out for a good time, and he obviously is enjoying that, even if he might feel a bit used now and then.
Yes she wants to be a ‘fair weather friend’ so as long as things are moving smoothly and he is ‘no trouble’ - but very clear by saying you are the ‘back up plan’ even w/o your knowledge or consent with the trip.
Yes he will be sneaky because he wants what he wants, and he has a co-conspirator (actually an initiator) - w/o her, he could not execute any of the travel plan.
My dad got hit with those coin things too. Was able to return most that I found, including the one he got “for free” so we didn’t get any refund for that one.
My dad called tonight. They are in “southern IL” and will be back in MN tomorrow or Mon. “depending on how things go.” That’s a lot better than July 9. I chatted with him, the call dropped, and the girlfriend called me on her phone. I made nice. Will be very relieved when he is ensconced back in AL, sooner rather than later.
My sister and BIL were able to have a wonderful vacation even though his parents are such a mess. I’m proud of them for saying, we’re not going to worry about them now!
@Youdon_tsay posted this quote elsewhere but I thought it was so important and factual to this thread for many:
“The aging parent process forces working together with siblings, and it’s weird because we all have our own lives and ways of doing things. And then throw in dysfunction, and it feels like you’re getting sucked back into what you’ve moved on from.”
And sort of brings you back to the family dynamics - often not positive or perfect - of decades ago when you and your sibs were growing up.
Wishing you luck and patience! And yes, they are back. Dad is tired but unscathed. He told me he was “too tired” to go to physical therapy this a.m. My sister is going out next week to see him for his birthday. So it ended okay but it could have been a complete disaster. I hope he got the wanderlust out of his system and his fatigue is a sign to him.
I’m curious … his place will let him opt out of PT? Is the feeling that the patients still are in control? They don’t bring the hammer down?
Speaking of PT, someone came today to do an evaluation. He said that he’ll come a couple of days a week for a couple of weeks and go from there. As I suspected, strength is great, but her balance is shaky. She loves the attention and isn’t afraid of work so I’m happy for anything they give us. I didn’t share the video of her playing pickleball in the driveway from Tuesday evening.
Re: the quote from my friend above …
I convened a dinner with my sibs last night to talk about how they feel it’s going. They are so unwilling to have open and honest communication. It’s a combo of being raised to not show emotion (FYI, I’m pretty sure they found me under a rock as I am so different) and being conflict-averse (that is me, too, but I’ve overcome that). Anyway, my brother only cried once and no one yelled so I consider that a win! I can honestly say that we all want the best; we just have different ideas of what that is and how to achieve it. And, again, as the one who doesn’t live here I defer to them.
Well they do bring the hammer down in that if the PT appointment isn’t formally cancelled and the person doesn’t show up, they bill the person the full cost and it ain’t cheap. Medicare will not cover. If that’s how he wants to spend his money, who am I to stop him. I was kind of surprised that he started going back to PT; he is very exercise-averse. But I think he knows that if he gets so weak that he can’t transfer himself (esp. re toileting), he’ll end up in Supportive Living (next level beyond AL, locked unit, with the memory care patients) and he doesn’t want that. His muscle strength is very poor, mostly a consequence of 30 years of inactivity. He also has bad osteoporosis. A fall now would be a disaster, which is why I am so glad he has returned safely to a supervised familiar environment.
These situations are hard. There are so many grey areas. Good luck with your family deliberations. At least I only have one person to consult (my sister).
Dad’s PT today (which is mostly done in hospice as a favor to the patient’s mental health) had the PT and LPN transfer him to a wheelchair and sit there for about 5 minutes while his O2 was monitored.
We had hoped this would put a pin in the number of times we manage Dad’s belief that he’s fine and should go home; at least we hoped it would pacify him a bit.
Instead, he spent the afternoon asking for his street clothes, demanding Mom “pull the car around” to take him home. The staff have been mentioning (with the best of intentions) that his grands and great-grands will be stopping by and maybe he can sit on the porch in the wheelchair. Mom called today and asked me to talk to the staff about not doing that; he just takes it as proof she is preventing him from going home. Or thinks he is in fact going home when they come to see him. He also mentioned the nice visit from a person that definitely did not happen.
They “gave him something to get him to sleep” but she didn’t know what. Today is one month at the hospice (it’s residential) and she started to cry when she spoke of doing this for more months. She was going to look up sundowning and I reminded her I will be back to stay in about 10 days. (Preferred Sibling’s wife is in the midst of chemo; Local Sibling is taking a 13 day vacation)
It’s the not knowing, isn’t it? I told my sibs that if we knew she only had three months, I’d move up here and take care of her myself. But we don’t know that. In fact, I think we are looking at at least a couple more years barring some kind of other diagnosis. At the sib dinner, my brother said that he expects her to be gone by this time next year. My sister said 18 months.
I’m irrationally irritated at my brother right now. He leaves every afternoon to go drink, comes back after four or five hours to collect his dog from my mom’s and then goes home. I can only imagine how irritated his wife is with it all. She’s in Florida for 11 days, which is why I’m here. I’m here to take care of my mom, and I end up cooking for him AND taking care of his dog. Grrrr.
I would not say ‘irrationally’. I would not only be irritated, but would also indicate that if he wants me to cook for him, he needs to not only manage his dog (or ask as a favor) but also do some useful things. Not his wife nor his mother.
Oh, this is an ongoing thing between he and his wife. i’m staying out of their marriage dysfunction, which, unfortunately does affect the rest of us and mom’s care.
This is so true. But also a fact of life - no magic mirrors for us to look in!
A work friend and her long time partner moved up to our area 7 years ago from an area they loved to take care of her 81 year old mother. She didn’t have major illness, just aging stuff. Recently my friend unhappy at work made the difficult decision to return to the city she loved. Unfortunately about the same time, with things already in motion, her mom IS having some health issues. My friend is feeling torn - she has already committed to a new job, her partner shortly retired took a consulting job 3 hours from here and now she may have to move her mom down to the original city with her taking her away from the place she has lived all her life, 88 years.
It’s very difficult. Like my friend said, she has already given up/changed her life for 7 years to take care of her mom. (there are other siblings, a few, who basically leave all the caring to my friend because she is very local). At what point does she get to make some decisions for her own life and happiness - while still trying to do the best for her mom?
I know some people will say they consider it a gift to take care of elderly parents and give them the care they need. And some people have the time and resources to give that gift without as much disruption to their own life. But my friend needs to work full time, is hours away from her partner and her 2 (grown) children and unhappy in her work and life here.
She is making the choice to go back to her preferred city and a new job. She hopes to eventually move her mom there if her mom will go. She will continue to travel here (2+ hour trip) every weekend. She can find very good health care in her city for her mom.
None of it feels “good” or “right”. But sometimes you have to look at today and make your choices. Because there is no magic mirror. And even if the magic mirror looks good today, it can totally change tomorrow.
