When I moved my mom in with me, she had moderate dementia and was quite frail. I guesstimated I’d be caring for her for one year. Before I knew it, she was in the most advanced stage of vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s and had been here for just shy of ten years.
If I’d had that crystal ball, I would have hired help during the last five years to try to keep my mental and physical health intact. It was grueling to care for her and ruined my feelings for my siblings (the two uninvolved and disinterested ones).
I’m in awe of those who are able to feel it’s an honor to care for their parent with dementia. I felt she and I were both being punished, having to live such a dismal existence, and I’m not sure either of us deserved it.
For those of you still in the midst of it, protect your own health and try to keep some balance in your lives. Putting that oxygen mask on yourself first is so important.
The fallout from my mom’s fall and move into independent living is that my sibling seems to have gone to limited contact with mom.
I feel terrible for mom. My husband and myself were trying to do what my mom wanted and what we felt was the best for mom. My sibling wanted to do what was best for her situation. Which was not what mom wanted.
I have no idea if we made the right choice not to move mom close to us. But for now, she’s really happy. Mom is having minor surgery in a month and she wants her friend to take her. She does not want me to come. My stance is to respect my mom’s choices for now. Because she is of sound mind. Now.
My sibling has some complications in their personal life. Taking care of mom and moving her to a place where she would only know my sibling just seemed like a bad idea. Would affect her mental health.
And the preferred situation my sibling wanted was for mom to move near me. A place where mom also knew no one. No independent living situation, no trauma centers. Not a great place for medical care. I couldn’t do that to mom. Or to me. Sibling would have been too busy to help me much here.
Sibling didn’t get their way. Which was for mom to move closer to one of us, preferably me. So now they’ve decided to tap out.
Hope sibling’s complications may improve. Hope sibling can adjust and adapt and tap back in.
Some folks do feel limited in what they can handle. Or, they have unrealistic expectations. Sounds like sibling’ s complications affects view on mother’s care.
My brother stopped doing anything except visiting my parents and so at the request of their bank, I had to sue my brother to get him removed as Trustee and Power of Attorney. We nicely asked him to resign (3 different people/lawyers) but he didn’t respond, so it cost my parents $10,000 in legal fees. He and I do not talk. I was on my own during the 4 days my father was actively dying, which was incredibly stressful. When I texted my brother that our father had died he didn’t reply. Before my parents’ decline we had a good relationship, and I thought my brother was just quirky. Now, I suspect he’s on the Autism spectrum. He is super bright, but has literally zero friends, is divorced, and is estranged from me, his only sibling.
It’s kind of a mess and very stressful as my mother is alive and in assisted living, with Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia.
I often wonder if the caregiving I did was wise- for me. I remember my support group leader telling me it could be longer than I anticipated and it was- 7 years. My mother lived to almost 96. In that time, frankly, I aged and developed some health issues. I questioned what I was doing all the time but somehow could not help myself. I think it is imperative that those of us who can, can talk to a therapist or attend a support group while caregiving. Family dynamics are another factor. Until COVID I kept up with my art and tai chi classes and that was important. I was also alone with my mother while she was dying and am trying to forgive my local sibling but after her death, our connection has faded.
When it comes to ‘Parents caring for parents’ one often has to emmesh with siblings and relatives which may be tolerable in short bursts and during ‘good times’ when there are no issues.
Issues, stress, financial, tends to show out the lack of civility, understanding, caring.
Even when people were brought up well, selfishness, narcissism, greed can rear its ugly head.
Bring sure elders receive appropriate care is very fraught. So many have multiple conflicting obligations, wants and needs. There are no good simple and easy answers. I wish everyone the best in navigating this challenging time.
I understand. My MIL lived in an AL more than 3 hours from my SIL, who lives much closer than H & me. A year ago, MIL decided to move to an AL facility about a half hour from SIL. SIL felt obligated to spend hours with MIL every day (as in, at least 8 hours a day). Her health really suffered. Basically, it was like she felt that she had to do everything for MIL except have her sleep at her house. That kind of defeated the point of AL. We finally had to make her promise to limit the time she’s there, as well as to take the weekends off. She never would have done that if we hadn’t pushed her to take care of herself.
My mom is living with dementia. She was diagnosed about 3.5 years ago and has done well, but definitely has experienced progression. She continues to live alone, but no longer drives. I would say that she is at the beginning of the moderate stage as she takes care of her activities of daily living, but needs assistance for more complex tasks like finances and is experiencing more memory gaps.
She is excited about her 60th high school reunion tomorrow. A classmate has offered to drive her to the restaurant where it is. The classmate lives in the same small town, but isn’t a close friend.
My sister thinks one of us should have dinner at the restaurant. My mom doesn’t want that and I think it’s totally unnecessary. Yes, she may get confused (she probably won’t be the only one). Yes, she might forget her wallet or phone (the restaurant can call). Yes, it might not be perfect, (but nothing is).
I am willing to call the classmate to give her a heads up. Do you think that’s appropriate? If so, what would you say?
(To be clarify, my mother can carry on conversations well enough for this situation about 75% or more of the time.)
I think it’s fair to give the friend/ride a heads up about your moms heealth situation and your concerns and appreciation for friend to just keep an eye on her. Of course your mom isn’t her responsibility (let friend know that) but friend can be eyes in the room. Thank friend so much for helping your mom out!
I think one of you eating/spying on her at the restaurant would feel degrading to her and maybe not really necessary at this point.
Thank you for the affirmation. I see my mom several times/week, but my sister is with my mom the most so I defer to her on most things. But I agree that this seems degrading. Something could happen and my mom could get embarrassed but no one is in danger of harm…so I think it’s a worthwhile risk to allow her to try to hold on to her dignity.
I agree. This doesn’t feel like a terribly risky situation, and I would hope that most people by that age would be understanding.
My mom is further along than yours and occasionally does things like call relatives to let them know my dad has died, when he died more than three years ago. Sometimes this feels like new information to her so she calls a relative before we can catch her. People are so dear. Everyone just goes along with what she says. I’ve been touched by everyone’s kindness.
@CCName1 in our experience, our mother would rise to an occasion like this but then be totally exhausted and cognition would worsen for a few days. Just in case that happens…!
That makes a lot of sense, and good to keep in mind. My brother’s family is visiting her from out-of-state, and she is usually tired from those visits anyway. She will likely be more so, for sure. Thanks for the heads up.
I understand your sister’s concern, too. But giving a heads up to the driver is also a way to feel her out - does she seem flustered by the info. etc.
Is the reunion restaurant local? Can someone get there quickly, if needed? Or maybe just dine someplace nearby with your sister, to be there if needed. That may be reassuring for the driving friend to know.
In my limited experience, older people usually know that there are cognitive issues in their peer group. It’s very common.
Usually a simple heads up, hey mom sometimes has some memory issues, can you make sure she comes home with her purse?
It’s just something I expect to see when a friend is in their 80’s plus.
Most are very sympathetic and helpful. I wouldn’t even bother with a call, but it sounds like the person who is picking her up isn’t a person who sees the mother often.
I definitely would not feel like I needed to go to the restaurant.
I have a dear friend and neighbor who’s now in assisted living. On the surface, she’s coping very well. Except that she asks the same questions after about a half hour. Always seems delighted with your answer and has forgotten that you answered that question recently. No one cares, no one makes her feel bad. It’s a part of who she is now. She’s well loved and there are friends who make sure she’s picked up and brought to socialize. And to church. To the supermarket. Out to dinner.
I like mominva’s suggestion. Are you, your sister, and your brother the only siblings? How about the three of you go out to dinner somewhere nearby and discuss plans for what will happen when your mother declines further? What a great chance for the three of you to make some plans for the future. (Maybe you already have?) Your sister your mother the most; is it her plan to continue doing more and more? Is she the one doing the driving for your mother? Who is handling the finances?
Yes, we have POA/HCPOA and talk often and openly about next steps. We don’t have a timeline, but more if/when this happens, we will do this… Also, my sister and I talk about our own thresholds for caregiving, in conjunction with the if/then scenarios.
Thanks to everyone for all of the suggestions and reassurance.
