It’s a small town and everyone is within 15 minutes of the restaurant.
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My sister ran into this with her inlaws. The D was convinced her parents needed help and moved down to take care of them–about 10 years too soon. My sister told SIL it was totally unnecessary to no avail. Even when she lived next door she insisted they needed her help–which they really did not. All a matter of perspective. But it made a nice martyr role for her.
There is a tiny bit of martyrdomcontrol at work, but it’s more that my sister just genuinely worries generally and, for some odd reason given that she is a mental health professional, feels like dementia is taboo. I would rather be upfront with people, and she seems to either be embarrassed or wanting to shield my mom from some perceived embarrassment or both.
UPDATE:
I called the classmate, who was sweet and un-phased and responded as most predicted she would. My brother and his wife didn’t have dinner there, so there was no spying. She just got home and had a good time!
Thanks for your input!
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i think we need to be careful using the term “martyr.” The implications of that term are pretty harsh.
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That’s fair and I wouldn’t have used the word to describe my sister without the other post. Sorry if I offended.
@abasket
Your friend definitely needs to protect herself in all this. With my last parent, it was 10 years living with us and the last 5 (in hindsight) were a slow decline in dementia, the last 18 months were horrible for everyone.
During the final years, life was day to day, after death, I began processing feels and had a lot of pent up anger. I was the ‘favorite’ therefore no siblings had any compunction about ‘letting’ me handle everything. There were many times I resented that my life was not free for my choices and their were.
Grandkids overlapped the final years, so I both did not help my adult kids as much as I would have liked, but also realize, I will never have an empty nest “it’s about me” experience in life until it’s too late.
Tell your friend to do what is the right. thing for her and let mom come with her, or not.
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Because it’s perjorative! It’s insulting.
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She def has some of what you’re describing - angst towards her sibs and the whole situation. One sib is here where the mom is but that sun has many health probs herself. One sob is many states away and fines to visit a few times a year but it’s more “visit” not help - and wants to stay with at my friends house which is MORE stress for her.
One sib is in preferred city - and could/would help some - which would also make the mom moving there a potential good choice.
The problem now is dealing with all the houses. Two houses here, a one bedroom condo in preferred city that can’t house mother so that means a new house must be found if mom moves. 4 houses. 
My aging inlaws own a house several states (and about 750 miles) away from their home, and now keep making noise about buying another one. They don’t travel; these are properties my FIL insists will be valuable and left to us and my BiL.
DH has told his parents, quite directly, that this is a terrible idea but they won’t listen. I wish estate planning focused more on the tasks being left behind and not the money.
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Freudian slip? 
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Pardon all my spelling errors! Was texting in bed apparently not wide awake! 
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Actually….YES! Lol. Apologized above. 
Is there a financial advisor or estate lawyer or a trusted peer to whom your inlaws might listen?
Sometimes helpful when elders don’t want (or unable ) to hear sound advice coming from their kiddos.
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OK, I came back originally to give an update to the “2010 and Beyond” forum (D2 is now Dr. D2, PhD) and stumbled on this thread with a lot of familiar faces from the “olden days” (MaineLongHorn, YDS, esobay, et al.) 
Since late last year my mother has been in / out of the hospital and rehab several times and I have been doing my best to keep up with her care and finances.
What really draws me to this thread is that I could have easily been the one needing care. To make a long story short, I had a massive heart attack in Fall 2021 and had to be flown by helicopter ambulance to the hospital where I spent the next 50 days (inc. 2 weeks unconscious in ICU). DW was told that I may never know any words, never be able to speak in sentences, and she would probably have to take me to dialysis (my heart took my kidneys with it) multiple times per week for the rest of my life. A highlight in those early weeks was the doctor calling DW at 3:00AM (scaring DW!) to tell her that I was able to squeeze her finger and am responding to questions by squeezing.
Fast-forward. Regained consciousness in 2 weeks, stopped dialysis in <1 month, open heart surgery (10x bypass, yes 10), kidney “procedure”, 12 weeks of cardiac rehab and I made it back to work fulltime in 4 months. Every doctor I had said that it took multiple miracles for me to still be here. I was able to watch D2 defend her dissertation (and heard “Congratulations Dr. D2!”), attend her PhD graduation, and will attend her wedding this Fall. It’s good to be alive (even if I sometimes struggle). But, my Cardiologist is concerned about the stress that caring for my mother puts on me and emphasizes that I take care of myself first.
It’s good to “see” so many of you again in so many ways!
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OMG!!! waving widly
Will now actually read your post.
I’m so sorry about all your health issues but am so glad you are still with us and hope that you stay around here on cc as well. Congrats to d2!
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Wonderful to hear your about your recovery! Amazing!! A testament to hope and perseverance, skill, luck, & miracles.
Life is precious.
Congrats to Dr. D2.
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Your recovery is AMAZING. So glad you shared it!
Sorry about your mom - try to be helpful to yourself too.
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I was talking to a cardiologist recently.
I asked if it was hard to see so many patients that don’t follow your advice?
The answer was that they concentrated on the ones that did follow advice and are doing much better.
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