Wowser… such awful behavior.
Sometimes family are the folks you are stuck with … and it’s the friends who are closest and get you through the hard times. Hope the Disney trip is a lot of fun - you deserve that.
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I wouldn’t put up with toxic people like that. They’re going to say horrible things about you whatever you do, so why stay in contact with them at all? I stopped attending my dad’s church when I visit Austin because of their deplorable behavior during the pandemic (staying open and even continuing to have weekly potlucks, etc.). It means I don’t see my relatives but I really don’t care.
If being with your relatives is so stressful, avoid them.
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I am glad @sbinaz has been able to vent with us.
I suspect that the AIL and UIL both feed off each other and both use each other as a gauge for their outrageous behavior by acting like it is not overboard - and maybe they think their age allows them certain rights or points for wisdom/grace which they clearly do not have.
Some people are able to tolerate behaviors by relatives or close friends for a variety of reasons - and personal tolerance for some things over others. Maybe a desire to keep harmony with other relatives and friends, or some very strong beliefs to strengthen them through numerous challenging times.
Mixing in staying away from gatherings during Covid is not an example to compare.
However I find it interesting that people are contacting Covid on travel now, and when asked if they changed their flight reservation due to their infectious period with Covid, they remain silent…a former classmate and her husband went on an Alaska Cruise, and she said the only bad thing was towards the end, they both got Covid.
I heard there is another Covid shot going to be available by mid-Sept.
I got a call today from my sister, quite upset about something that happened today.
She said mom woke up early, about 6, so she gave her her meds and coffee and left for work at 6:20 when my brother got there. He’s in charge until his wife shows up. My sister told him about their morning and left. Well, she gets back to my mom’s after work, about 2:30, and she sees mom’s walker in the den. Now, our mom has never had to use a walker, but our SIL said that she was wobbly today and so insisted she use it. After more talking, they realize that when my SIL arrived she gave my mother ANOTHER set of her morning meds. That’s five pills! No wonder she was wobbly! Don’t my brother and his wife talk upon the handoff of care?
I know it’s a one-time mistake, but it’s a big one and how it happened doesn’t even make sense. We have one of those four-time-a-day pill dispensers so didn’t it occur to SIL that the a.m. compartment was empty so she already had had her meds? Did she give her the next day’s meds, thinking it was Wednesday? She texted me about the “new” pill in the dispenser – it was the antibiotic I picked up Friday for the possible UTI that she hadn’t seen as she hasn’t been taking care of mom since Thursday afternoon.
An easy fix is to have my sister text whether she gave mom meds before she leaves for work. At least then there would be something in writing to which everyone could refer. But, y’all, I’m telling you my SIL is not the right person to care for my mom. I appreciate that she’s willing to step up and take on the role, but, personally, I’d rather hire someone. My sister was really upset but is so conflict-averse that she won’t say anything. So, instead she calls me when I can’t help from three+ hours away.
Oh dear. A daily am/pm pill box is a great method… but ya gotta follow it. It often makes sense to have paid helpers in the mix, but be aware that even then mistakes can happen. Hope you find a solution that makes everybody feel more relaxed and secure.
We had a family thread that had all of us sibs and the ILs who are MDs on it. We would provide info about our folks that was important to share. We did use the 7 day pill dispenser — one dispenser for AM and one for PM. It worked pretty well. We eventually hired someone to help dad every AM: make sure he and mom ate, give dad nebulized meds, etc.
Over time (after dad died), we needed to hire someone to keep mom company 24/7, be sure she ate meals, took daily RX, showered and helped with toileting.
It’s definitely a challenge working together as a family to provide care at times.
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Yeah I feel like someone needs to say something - maybe have a convo with your brother about what happened - I mean, dodged a bullet there! Mistakes do happen but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be talked about.
So sorry, I bet that stressed you out!!
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FWIW, we had some of these kind of med error slip ups when caring for my mom too. Part of the problem was that my mom herself would sometimes move stuff from one compartment to the other so it looked like she hadn’t taken pills!
What worked for us:
Hiding the pill box from my mom (she had ALZ)
One person was responsible for filling the pill box (we had one that was for the week)
We kept a notebook with the pill box, so whomever gave the pills could record that they were given and at what time (this was especially helpful when we had multiple people giving meds).
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You need to step back from being emotional about the error and think of it like you had a business. A mistake was made, what change in process needs to be made to prevent that and other mistakes from being made.
Could be something as simple as logging the medicine when it is given (I think this is what they do in hospitals and care facilities?) Make it easy - time, date, and which medicines (it if is too burdensome it won’t get done).
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Thanks, all, for the responses.
Remember when the doctor asked us to record her BP four times a day? They did it two days, and then when I showed up I saw no one had done it for five days. Even under doctor’s orders in preparation for an upcoming appointment. There is no desire/ability/motivation for them to adopt and/or adhere to a system. There just isn’t. I wish it were different. It’s not.
This morning, I texted the group chain to ask how her night had gone. My sister relayed that she had slept through the night and was still asleep when she left at 6:30 so SIL knows that it’s OK to give her her meds.
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If they’re unable/unwilling to follow a process, it means you need professional help. Logging is so important when taking care of an elderly person.
Great suggestions! The documentation trail of the pill provider, and making sure mother didn’t mess with the pill box.
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But it doesn’t sound like the family members are able/willing to do that.
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We had a journal/notebook where caregivers recorded what they did. Also had a spreadsheet where they checked off activities they performed each day as they completed. It helped serve as a reminder for them and a record as well.
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Kind of wondering what the brother and his wife think their role is - just to be there in case of emergency and maybe help with dressing, meals, etc.?
Perhaps a much more visible in your face kind of chart is needed - something large on the refrigerator or kitchen counter with big red items noted. Something that’s not easily ignored. Is there an Alexa or other smart device that can be programmed with vocal reminders, and that can therefore also be accessed remotely?
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Sometimes people are doing the best they can - or best they know how with the knowledge/understanding they have. Many people really don’t have a grasp on health/health care/management of health and don’t see the significance of the rituals and routines of caring for an ill person.
That may mean though they mean well, they are not well suited for the job or responsibility. IN the case above the unfortunate situation of doubling up on meds MIGHT be a good opportunity to really stress the need for consistency - and the risks of NOT being consistent.
Not a blame game, just a “facts” game.
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we also had trouble with the pills – Dad, and now Mom, were not very concerned about taking the pills from the “correct” day’s section, so it was impossible to tell where we were. My siblings did not think any one of the meds were so i portant that a missed dose mattered too much.
Yesterday, Mom’s platelet count had bounced wayout of range again; first thing I asked her was “are you taking your meds” and she is “sure” she is doing it right…but was also sure it was Monday (and it was Wednesday). Siblings can’t check this, and I am mindful of my outsider status.
A written log is useful; we have a sheet of notebook paper taped to the kitchen cabinet. Problem, of course, is that it is still easy to forget to use. I have lots of empathy and no foolproof solution other than treat the mistakes as a problem to solve collectively.
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I’ll add on something that I’m sure all of us have run into–that BP four times a day sometimes just isn’t happening, those meds aren’t getting swallowed at the correct time, that doctor’s appt. is not happening today, the meals aren’t going to be eaten.
At some point taking care of my dad (again he had all his faculties so not the same as many of you are dealing with) I didn’t “give up” but I did “relinquish” some control. I realized that I needed to step back from trying to always play “nurse” with a strict routine and be “daughter”.
It was more important to make life comfortable and happy for him and enjoy the moments rather than turn everything into a chore to be done.
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My dad had a lot of trouble swallowing pills (but he tried). At one point I just picked out the “most important” one or two and left it at that on hard days. Figuring out the priorities is helpful.
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That’s one of the main reasons to get professional help. Kids can be kids rather than nurses.
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