COVID has left my mother more confused, worsened her memory and she is also having a lot of word retrieval issues.
My siblings, who are both in other states (one far away) are sometimes (not always intentionally) dismissive of my concerns. She is cheery on the phone with them but calls me weeping 10-15 times/day, asking to leave, saying she is lonely, wants to live with me etc. I actually felt, at one time, that one brother didn’t even believe me. Because it is so inconvenient to understand what is going on-?
This week I forwarded two voice mails and then took a screenshot of my phone calls with 17 calls in one day, many of them right after the other (and all the exact same topic). I think that may have helped them understand.
So sorry, @compmom. I remember the lonely path of being the person on the spot. What is it that you want from your siblings? A sympathetic ear? Practical stuff?
They interpreted my sharing as me needing something. No. It is my mother’s state of mind I am concerned with, not my own.
I have a support group and attend presentations on dementia and I really don’t rely on my brothers for much.
I am just trying to get across to them her true state of mind, so that certain changes can be made. As primary proxy and sole caregiver, I can make changes myself but we agreed to have consensus earlier on.
And since siblings are an issue for many, I just thought I would share the insight that messages and calls can be forwarded!
I enlisted the help of my mom’s doctor when it was time for her to stop driving. He sat her down and told her that she could not only kill herself but someone else. He really laid it on thick about killing someone else’s grandchild.
She turned to me and handed me the keys. We sold her car immediately.
The key for my mom was knowing she could still get where she wanted to go, which me, along with other family and friends committed to doing for her.
The doctor was the key piece for us. My mom flat out told me that she was not going to stop driving until the doctor told her she couldn’t. The doc actually yelled at me too for allowing her to drive. IMO, my mom hid her decline very well in the beginning.
@momofboiler1 “allowing” HA! As if it was just that easy. With FIL we asked several of his doctors, none chose to be involved in the driving issue. It was a long and difficult fight ending, finally, when he moved to AL. We just never delivered the car. My husband did have to speak to the police after car theft reports were filed against him
Hi everyone. Thank you for all the supportive messages, they really do help. I’m sad to report that my dad died 4 days after mom. They were both in declining health and I guess the COVID infection was just too much to fight off. I take comfort in that he never knew mom left first.
As many of you know, they have had many health challenges over the years. I have been slowly grieving them as I lost little bits of them to a stroke and a brain injury. I do think that makes this a little easier to bear. And in some ways, it’s fitting that they went almost together. They were devoted to each other. I will miss dad especially, we had a close relationship and he was “with it” more recently than mom. I am glad they are no longer suffering from the anxiety and agitation that accompanied their cognitive decline.
For those of you pondering letting your elders drive . . .the cascade of health problems for my parents started when an 86 year old woman confused Drive and Reverse in her brand new Mercedes and hit my dad, causing a traumatic brain injury. The doctors were amazed he didn’t die then. But their life abruptly changed as they had to move into a senior community, mom took over everything which contributed to her having a stroke and then they had to move to memory care.
My question always is, “Would you let your children ride with your elders?” If the answer is No, then take the keys. And shame on doctors who don’t stand up to patients on this.
Oh @surfcity, I’m so sorry you have lost your dad, too. I agree the grieving process starts as we lose pieces of our parents, but it’s still such a loss. {Hugs}
I am so very sorry for your loss. Even though it has been slow and approaching for a long time, the final loss is still great. Please take great care with yourself.
So sorry @surfcity about the cascade of problems starting with a family that didn’t take away the keys/driving privileges from an 86 YO woman who had enough cognitive problems to not pass the exam process to ‘keep’ her license.
My mom had decline with Alzheimer’s or another form of dementia (when we had it confirmed during a hospitalization we didn’t test further on specific form of dementia because it didn’t affect her care plan). We could write letters into the state of WI. She had forfeited her driver’s license after an accident, but wanted to get her DL back. She paid a county deputy to take behind the wheel driver lessons; she had passed the written portion. We alerted the local office where she was scheduled to take the behind the wheel exam - someone up the chain of command had duly noted the completed forms by numerous people (one could also do it anonymously with a notary). They stopped her from taking the test and she received a letter from the state that she no longer could obtain a DL. She went to her attorney and he told her all avenues were ‘closed’. Whew! I envisioned her hitting a bicyclist or a walker on the road in her small town.
There are strong willed and affluent people that are tough to shut down on the driving issue.
Then there are the drunk or under the influence drivers who also are out there killing and maiming people and causing havoc.
Sometimes long time couples know, even with dementia that the other is now deceased. Know of a few in recent months at the skilled care/rehab where I work. The spouse died within days of the other - even when they were in other facilities. One deep in dementia even said about a day after her husband died that he had died; she died within days of him.
I also had my parked car hit at the grocery store by an elderly woman who had no distance vision. Local police came to the grocery parking lot; she had stopped to buy stamps - I guess trying to affirm her ‘independence’ with her family. She had to be 80+. I walked into the grocery store to confront her and she denied hitting me. The police came before she left and wrote it up. She had State Farm insurance. When she drove off she almost hit other cars due to her vision issue, and the policeman saw that too. I called her agent the next day and the woman ‘fessed up’ to the agent. I told the agent her family needs to get her off the road!
So sorry @surfcity. I hope the joint passing becomes a little blessing. Still terrible to go through though and sending you energy.
Back in the day, my mom’s Dr did NOT take away her keys. I turned Mom into the DMV (anonymously) and they made her come in for a test for her birthday license renewal. She couldn’t pass the written part. The state just gave renewals if seniors didn’t have an accident. My dad had macular degeneration and couldn’t see a thing and they just renewed his license via mail without question. He had sense enough not to drive though.
@surfcity I am so sorry for your loss. I know what you mean about having already started to grieve along the way, but it is still always a hard thing. Thanks for sharing your experience with an accident caused by a driver who shouldn’t have been on the road. I have another friend whose mother’s decline was precipitated by an accident caused by an elderly woman. (The driver was a friend, driving a couple of old friends around.) It’s a reminder we often need to hear because it can be SO HARD to prevent our parents or elders from driving but it is SO important. I don’t understand why it is so hard to get doctors to support this. We just went through this with my uncle, who threatened lawsuits when his son took away his keys
…it was ugly. Once he drove a couple of hours to his old workplace, demanding to be let through the security gates, having no idea what that he no longer worked there, and then just sitting in the parking lot for hours because he had no idea how to get home. The police were called and helped track down his son to get him, but they didn’t provide any help in getting his license taken away either!
@orangepurple that situation with the uncle is a clear reason to document, and also get the man evaluated for dementia (which is under the MD responsibilities). And to go through the state’s procedure on an impaired driver who needs to be evaluated for continuing with a license. Other authority people.
{Hugs}