<p>Well, here's the scoop. My parents encouraged me to apply to the schools I did. I've already got into pretty much all of the schools I applied to, and my mom even began arranging visits to some of them (a few are actually out on the West Coast, and we live on the East). Now, she tells me that all of my schools are too expensive and far away. They say that me going out West was contingent on a lot of factors that didn't come together this year, and that although money was not a problem, I would be attending my state school.</p>
<p>The big issue? I suffered from a bout of depression early on in the school year, and am now taking medication. I postponed taking the medication for fear that my parents would see it as proof that I'm incapable of taking care of myself. I caved in, and my fears were confirmed.</p>
<p>Every day they remind me that I have a "serious medical problem", and scoff when I mention getting a job (you can't even get up to go to school - how could you get a job?). Their negativity is seeping into my life and getting me more down. They say sending me away would be a waste of money, because it would cost too much money to reach me if there was a problem, which they say, there would most certainly be. They are deadset on thinking I am capable of nothing but failure unless they maintain a tight grip on me. I feel stifled and immobilized. </p>
<p>Although I can understand their concerns, keep in mind they got me seeing a therapist at the beginning of the year, after I recieved "only" a 3.7 with 5 AP classes. I feel like they are expecting me to be perfect, and because I'm not, suddenly I am just a one big problem.</p>
<p>What can I do? I need to get away from them and their constant hawking over me, both for my own well being...and, I admit...to prove I don't need their continued tight reign to be successful.</p>
<p>What a hard spot you're in. I'm not sure the internet is the place to work through such intimate issues though. For example, if you've been diagnosed with bi-polar illness, that illness does not handle transitions very well--in which case your parents fears are justified. Garden variety depression is another story.</p>
<p>If your parents were upset by your 3.7 GPA, then you come by your anxieties honestly, LOL.</p>
<p>How easily do you make new friends? How many same-sex friends do you have now? Have you had them a long time? Have you made new same-sex friends recently? Are they easy to come by?</p>
<p>These are the important issues when you are making a transition with a background of depression. It won't be your academic ability--it will be your ability to thrive in a new community--which you build for yourself. the ability to make same sex friends is the best predictor of social success. If you don't have friend-building skills in abundance--if you aren't surrounded by same-sex friends--those are the skills your therapist should teach you. So says me.</p>
<p>Do you have a Grandmother who could help to persude them that you are ready? Would your therapist or psychiatrist vouch for you?</p>
<p>Sometimes a complete change of venue is exactly what's needed to spark a revival. I made some dramatic moves coming off the rebound of low points--and the moves worked a charm.</p>
<p>It is a tough situation. Can you persuade your parents to check out the support for students with mental health issues at the school that you want most to attend? Can you make a deal with your parents to let you try out for one year, and that you will transfer back closer to home if things don't quite work out? Do not underestimate the problems associated with transition from high school to college, from being home to being far away. Do you feel you can keep things under control with the right medication? If you get depressed by unwelcome news such as this, how easily will you handle the stress of college? If you feel you can, would your therapist be able to reassure your parents it's okay for you to be far away?</p>
<p>Try to work out things with your parents gradually. You have until May 1, right? Ask them to give you a fair hearing. Give them a fair hearing as well. Good luck.</p>
<p>What does your therapist think? He or she might be helpful on this. I agree with cheers that bi-polar disorder is much trickier, but depression is a concern too, potentially. Are there colleges closer to home other than the state school? That might be a compromise position. Maybe they'd be willing for you to try out a closer school you like better, knowing that the state school could be a fallback for a transfer.</p>
<p>My heart goes out both to you and to your parents. This is the kind of problem that keeps parents awake all night, that makes them feel sick to their stomachs all the time. I know you bear the worst of it, but it's no picnic for them, I promise you.</p>
<p>The advice others have given you is good, and I can only add a few things. Just having conflict with your parents over this isn't going to help things. One way or another, you all have to be on the same team. So start by acknowledging that they love you, and that they have reason to be worried, and that they have your best interests at heart. Be brutally honest with yourself. Talk it over with your therapist. Is it really a good idea for you to go far away?</p>
<p>If you think it is, you need to do at least three things. First, involve your parents in the decision and planning, almost certainly with the help of your therapist, or another family therapist. Second, make a comprehensive plan about how you would deal with your illness at the school you want to attend -- therapists, medication, contingency plans -- based on specifics about the school, not just generalities. Third, keep an open mind and stay flexible. You may not get your way. If you don't, it's still your life and your education -- don't box yourself into having a horrible time just because you are disappointed and angry. You can have a great college experience at your state school, one that you will treasure all your life, and in the long run that's more important than your fight with your parents.</p>
<p>I'll add one more practical idea. One of my kid's best friends had this problem -- she barely made it to graduation. She had been accepted at a college 1,000 miles away that she wanted to attend; her parents were legitimately concerned whether she could handle it. (So were her friends, by the way. Some were going to the same college, and were praying that she wouldn't go.) In the end, she deferred her matriculation for a year, lived close to home, got a job, and continued her therapy. The year seemed pretty useless at the time -- the job was stupid, things didn't get a lot better, she was bored and unhappy. But since she started college things have gone quite well. So that's one approach to a solution.</p>
<p>To clarify, it is just regular old depression, not bipolar...</p>
<p>Also to clarify, they weren't upset by the 3.7. They have a tendency to predict doom and gloom because of little tiny incidents. After speaking with my parents, my therapist began suggesting radical things like homeschooling and etc. Then she saw my report card and was wondering what the fuss was about. Yet they repeatedly say that even if I didn't fail last quarter, it's "obvious the way things are going you'll fail the next" and etc. etc. Which to be honest I think is contributing to me feeling terrible.</p>
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You can have a great college experience at your state school, one that you will treasure all your life, and in the long run that's more important than your fight with your parents.
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</p>
<p>That's what I keep telling myself. The truth is, I liked my state school just fine...until my parents started become overbearing about it. Taking the medication has already destroyed my confidence. I just want to feel like I can rely on myself again...that I don't need somebody shoving pills down my throat or keeping an eye on me. I feel like they won't attribute the success I have there to me. Case in point, I asked my mom if I did well at my state school, if she would think she made a mistake and that I really could handle college. And she said no, I would probably being doing well /because/ I was close to home. Those conversations really sicken and hurt me for some reason. I want to do well because of me...I want people to think I can do well because of me.</p>
<p>Are your parents involved in therapy with you as well? (some sort of family counseling?) I can't tell where the lines between your perceptions and where the objective reality of what they say or do are drawn -- that is, I don't know whether you are magnifying a few offhand remarks or if your parents really consistently say the things you attribute to them -- but if it is the latter, then it seems to me that your relationship with your parents and their words & expectations are a huge contributing factor to your depression. </p>
<p>Have you discussed these concerns with your therapist? It seems to me that if your therapist feels it would be good for you to get a job now and to go farther away to college in the fall -- then it would be hard for your parents to justify disregarding the medical advice they were given. Someone needs to tell your parents how hurtful their comments are. </p>
<p>Your therapist might also be able to help you learn to deal with your parents better -- there are probably things you do or say unwittingly that helps fuel these conflicts. I mean, I can see a statement like "you can't even get up to go to school - how could you get a job?" being made the same week you missed your first period 3 days because of oversleeping. </p>
<p>Anyway, I think the best suggestion I can give is to get your therapist involved, because that is the person who can best advise you and also is the one person who might be able to give advice your parents will listen to. It's not the therapist's job to tell your parents what to do, but she may at least be able to allay their fears -- and if your therapist feels that a change of environment would be good for you, it's going to be hard for your parents to argue against that.</p>
<p>To the OP-- my heart goes out to you. You've had a tough year and I'm sure right now it feels like it will get tougher before it gets better. I know it seems like you've got a lot of bad stuff going on....</p>
<p>However, since you've posted here I want to point something out to you that you might not realize.... you're in need of an attitude adjustment if you're going to get to college. The meds aren't a sign of weakness; they're not a coping mechanism; they're not proof that you can't handle things on your own.... they're what keeps your body chemistry in gear.</p>
<p>Would you be avoiding your meds if you were diabetic and needed insulin? Of course not.... being an adult means accepting your limitations and treating them appropriately. If you had a heart condition and needed medication would you call it "shoving pills down my throat" when your physician prescribed life-saving treatment?</p>
<p>So- get over it now. You are under a doctor's care, and unless you have evidence that you're being treating inappropriately for depression, take your meds, go to therapy, elicit your therapists help in sorting things out for next year. You being healthy is much more important than you getting to go to your number one college.... especially since you have a disease which responds to change in some unpredictable ways. However, if your parents suspect from your attitude that you'd be non-compliant with your meds, they've got every right to be worried sick about you going far from home. If you were my kid, I'd want to see a track record of you taking care of yourself, soup to nuts, no complaints about the meds, before I'd be encouraging a cross country move.</p>
<p>My entire problem with taking the meds was what their reaction to it would be in the first place. To my parents, not to me, they are proof that I can't handle things on my own...</p>
<p>I think I would feel less immobilized away from them, so that I could make decisions without worrying that they will think it's proof that I'm messed up. It is really getting me down being around people who think I'm incapacitated.</p>
<p>I have enormous sympathy for your parents, who are worried, and for you, who want to get away from that worry. Can you reach a compromise that doesn't involve a 6 hour plane flight? Perhaps a three-hour drive instead of the local state school?</p>
<p>Meds are hard work. I have a seriously bi-polar brother who cannot survive without them but meds can be a bitter salvation. Lots of patients resent meds, groovin'. You are not the first.</p>
<p>If you are recovering from a garden variety depression, the meds should be a short fix. You are not looking at a lifetime of meds and your severe self-labelling is a bit confusing. I agree with blossom. TEst yourself. I f you are mature enough to accept the meds as a short term means to balance your brain chemistry--not as a 'label of incapcitation'--then you are mature enough to manage yourself in college. </p>
<p>You didn't quite answer the queries about sociability. Having watched my brother try to transition to residential college life (he did it and he graduated but it was a heartbreaking experience)--I can tell you that sociability is essential for success.</p>
<p>Physician/parent here- "Mental" illnesses are as real as physical ones and the proper medication can really help with the brain chemistry, so please take the meds as well as the therapy. Do not let parent issues change doing what's best for your treatment. I can understand why your parents want you closer to home, in case anything happens, especially if you stop taking meds or following up on the therapy; it sounds like this is a relatively new diagnosis so they haven't had enough time to know how things will go long term. Your refusal to start medication initially got them down a path it will take time to change; definitely get your mental health team involved- they can find people for your parents to voice their fears with, maybe even other parents faced with the same issues. It's always tough when an illness interferes with your life, it takes time to know how things will go and is very frustrating to have to make changes, especially college plans. Be sure to discuss with and listen to your therapist regarding the college issues, then plan accordingly- we can't tell you what the decision should be; but we can and do offer you the very best. PS- many people will end up at their state schools for many reasons, dreams get modified for most of us.</p>
<p>
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I f you are mature enough to accept the meds as a short term means to balance your brain chemistry--not as a 'label of incapcitation'--then you are mature enough to manage yourself in college.
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<p>I can, but my parents can't! Which is the problem. They can't see this isn't as big a deal as they think it is. I don't know how to get them to not be so negative about it. I know they're just worried. But still.</p>
<p>About sociability...I like having just a few close friends, but definitely wouldn't have a problem making more. I did the whole sleep-away camp thing for my entire life...so I know the drill :).</p>
<p>
[quote]
The truth is, I liked my state school just fine...until my parents started become overbearing about it. ... I feel like they won't attribute the success I have there to me. Case in point, I asked my mom if I did well at my state school, if she would think she made a mistake and that I really could handle college. And she said no, I would probably being doing well /because/ I was close to home. Those conversations really sicken and hurt me for some reason. I want to do well because of me...I want people to think I can do well because of me.
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<p>If you must have someone else's approval, then your psychological future is entirely in their hands. </p>
<p>But when you decide that your own approval is more important to you than anyone else's, that you own approval is the only approval that really matters, then you will be psychologically free of anyone else.</p>
<hr>
<p>If the state school is fine with you, then forget about what others may think. Just go to the state school and know that you, not anyone else, made the choice and is the student.</p>
<p>If you avoid the state school solely because of your parents, you are allowing your parents to run your life just as much as if you attend the state school solely because of your parents.</p>
<p>If you are successful in college on your own, forget about anyone else's efforts to take the credit. You know the truth.</p>
<p>If you do well because of you, forget about anyone else's efforts to deny that reality. You know the truth.</p>
<hr>
<p>Once you are 18, medication should be between you and your doctor. Aim to work that out privately, like an adult, with your doctor. You shouldn't have to discuss it with anyone else; you shouldn't need anyone else's approval.</p>
<p>Hi groovinhard. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. My own parents (my dad, really) manipulated me into attending our local state u. just 10 miles away from home rather than another smaller, lesser state college that I wanted b/c my BF went there. I was very resentful of his interference, but it all turned out well for me and I did love my college. Maybe you can concentrate more on the actual state school and its benefits, rather than your parents attitude about it, especially since you initially liked the school. </p>
<p>This seems huge now, but in only six months you will be at college on your own, and everything will change and be different. Your parents will NOT have so much influence once you are away at college. I think you should try to "rise above" this and concentrate on getting better before college starts. You can always transfer later if you still want to go farther away.</p>
<p>I can somewhat sympathize with your parents wanting you nearer home b/c my D became very unhappy and depressed in her junior year, and it was very hard on me to have her 1,000 miles away during that time.</p>
<p>What can I do? I need to get away from them and their constant hawking over me, both for my own well being...and, I admit...to prove I don't need their continued tight reign to be successful.</p>
<p>I know what you mean, I feel exactly the same way, I need to get away from my parents and three siblings BADLY. Question, How do I quote what someone wrote? Like the above passage?</p>
<p>[ quote ]What can I do? I need to get away from them and their constant hawking over me, both for my own well being...and, I admit...to prove I don't need their continued tight reign to be successful.[ /quote ]</p>
<p>Just take out the spaces between the brackets and the quote commands.</p>
<p>
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What can I do? I need to get away from them and their constant hawking over me, both for my own well being...and, I admit...to prove I don't need their continued tight reign to be successful.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Do you plan to live at school or commute? If you are living at school you can have all the freedom you want. It's not like your mom and dad will be watching your every move. You can tell them what you choose to tell them. </p>
<p>Think of the freedom you will have instead of the constraints.</p>