When my son came home 11/2 years ago and told me he had quit his job at Fortune 200 company (which he started right out of college.) I admit I had a mini freak out. First words out of my mouth were, “tell me you have another job!” But he proceeded to tell me the story of how it came to be - before telling me he did have another job. That’s when he told me it was at a tech start-up - which made me very nervous, to say the least. And I expressed my misgivings.
Turns out he was right. Been there 11/2 years, has had three promotions, several very good raises and they are paying 100% for him to get his MBA certificate. He also has stock in the company and company is growing steadily and has branched out internationally.
Aggressively criticize? Nope. Discuss long-term strategies and ways to view things from different perspectives? Absolutely. Have been doing that forever, though now we don’t initiate those conversations – they do. I’m glad they feel like they can talk with us about those things.
We’ve known S1’s career path since he was about four years old. After two internships and two summers doing research, he came home and told us he felt he’d be doing more interesting and cutting edge work in industry vs a PhD, but we didn’t direct him in any sort of way. He had well thought-out reasons for his decision, just as he did for turning down a couple of the colleges that would have appeared to be a more obvious fit for him. He has landed in a niche department that does a lot of theoretical stuff, and it suits him quite well. Still is not ready to think about a grad degree, and I am keeping my mouth shut. He has gotten promotions, bonuses, frequent recruiter calls and has a tidy sum saved already. Has been off our payroll since age 21.
S2 has taken a while to launch. He came back home for a couple of years to save $$ to head overseas to work for a couple years, and he is now in year 2 of expat life. Loves it. Has made lots of contacts, is getting more interesting work, and COL is low enough that he is pretty much self-supporting. It has also convinced him that he REALLY doesn’t want to move back here and live at home again. Halleluia! So glad I didn’t have to have THAT conversation with him.
Their paths may not be what we thought they’d be, but they are authentic and well-considered, and both are happy. I’m good with that.
My advice to my kids has always been: “There are many things you will enjoy doing. Among them, pick something that pays well for your career, and keep the others as hobbies.”
It turned out that D was a very talented artist, and I was concerned for a while that she would end up as a starving artist. But she came to her own conclusion that to make art her career would take the joy out of it, so she wouldn’t do that even if it paid well. I just smiled in agreement.
She is getting a Minor in Art, and those classes actually reduce her stress levels, and therefore have my full support.
My own daughter was good enough at instrumental music that she could have considered a music major and music career. But she told me (halfway through high school) that she didn’t want this because she had seen what her private music teachers did to earn a living – always a combination of teaching and performing gigs of various sorts, and maybe some non-music-related work, too – and she didn’t want that. She wanted to have one real job.
I suggested a music minor in college, but she decided against it. She just wanted to play in one of the college ensembles. And after college, she has always had one real job.
No, but like some others, we definitely made sure they understood the realities of the path they chose and considered some other options.
Oldest ended up choosing a totally different profession from one he went to college for. He’s doing quite well (working with computers - majored in business), so no problem.
Middle is happily finishing his second year of med school excited to be starting rotations soon. (He’s the one we cautioned the most due to the conditions of the job, but he assures us it’s not work when you love what you’re doing - he does.)
I tried my darndest to get youngest to major in Botany. No way. Final degree was in International Studies with a concentration on the Middle East. His current (passion) job? Permaculture farming… and it seems promising as a career option. What do moms know anyway? Otherwise he has a temporary job he loves while waiting to get married this June, then he and our future DIL will figure out what they want to do together based upon where she gets a job. His degree certainly wasn’t worthless - we enjoyed visiting him in Jordan while he was doing a Study Abroad! He also learned about Permaculture Farming while there.
We’ve always told our kids we’ll support them no matter what they choose (as long as it’s legal and ethical anyway). I see no reason to try to control their lives, but we also wanted to be sure they were looking at things rationally and not with some fantasy beliefs as they made their decisions.
It turned out that we have lads to help us with our computers/technology, medical issues, and nutritional/tasty eating. Seems nigh onto perfect results for us!
Example: Taking that $4,000/week summer internship the hedge fund recruiter has been repeatedly begging you to take for the last two years instead of the $4,000 for-the-entire-summer public interest internship wouldn’t mean you’re selling your soul.
Result: Probably would have been more effective talking to a wall.
We’ve avoided pressuring DS19 to pursue any particular pathway. After initially thinking he wanted to major in Chemistry he has ultimately decided on Physics (not the most employable of degrees) and his top 2 program choices will lead in different directions: research/academia or engineering. To be honest both dh and I hope he ends up in engineering due to the increased employment prospects, but in my heart of hearts I believe he will be happier in research. He knows the most likely employment outcomes between the two paths and the educational requirements (Ph.D. vs Bachelors). I worry that he will struggle financially if he goes the research route but I remind myself as I bite my tongue that at least he didn’t decide to pursue a career in music.
Absolutely not. I have asked probing questions to help them evaluate pros and cons, and I have made suggestions. But there is no way I want to be responsible for their professional happiness or unhappiness, which is what I’d feel if I “aggressively criticized” their career paths, or if I felt they were doing xyz because I wanted them to.
I “aggressively criticized” my older child for leaving college after a year (IMO that is not career path stuff though I suppose it could be for some). I had to accept his decision and I did, without malice or “I told you so” or disowning him or anything else. He even moved back in for awhile - paying rent, as if he was not in school he knew that was the deal.
But he seems to have proven me wrong there. He’s doing great in a profession where a degree is not very important except to get in the door, and he got in the door with terrific recs from managers there who he knew personally.
For son not at all. We were shocked when he decided he wanted to be a veterinarian and thought it would pass but it hasn’t. We encouraged him to have a backup plan which he does but is totally on track to start vet school in Fall of 2021. (Early acceptance and just two more prerequisites to go after this semester (one is English 101). We support his decision and just made sure he went in with his eyes open and had lots of shadowing to be sure…
For dd we have had to have MANY discussions. She graduated in 15 and still has no direction and only 6 college credits. She wanted to be a professional soccer player but wouldn’t take the college scholarship or spend time in high level prep teams. We had to tell her that unless she did some of those things that wasn’t going to happen. She then wanted to be a veterinarian like her brother. Well… she can’t stay in school or take more than a class at a time, has severe depression and BPD, hates school. We tried to steer her to vet tech or vet assistant even. Nope. Most recently she was thinking of getting a business degree, learning to groom and starting a business. Ok, sounds better. Well, she is blowing that one too. Sigh. Now she is moving OOS to live with her birth father and we will see low long that lasts.
D18 told us she wanted to major in dance and art. We said no. She’s currently studio art major so we’re not against the arts. She is a hobby dancer and doesn’t have the background or any idea of a career path where it makes sense.
We did encourage her to look at some majors and minors that relate to her interests and have some employment options. She has expensive taste so we caution her to think about what lifestyle she wants.
D hadn’t figured out her major when she applied, but by the end of the school year, we suggested Environmental Science as it’s the one HS class she was ALWAYS talking about and which spurred many thoughtful conversations and debates in our household. She is now an ES major with a GIST minor (she thought the coding/mapping might bolster what may be perceived as a “softer” science, which it is decidedly NOT at her school). Got a great (corporate, paid) summer internship last year and looks to be locking up one for this year. Doesn’t see herself out in the field but probably in a corporate setting. There are lots of companies that have woven “green” initiatives into their operations, so I think that her ability to speaking, writing and organizational skills will make her very employable.
We personally don’t care what she does post-graduation as long as she can support herself and eventually meet her financial goals, whatever they are, and that she can derive some personal satisfaction from what she’s doing.
My D is only a sophomore in hs and we’re just starting to have those career conversations. My thinking is that today’s job market is nothing like when I graduated from college. Back then, you got in with a company and basically did what they told you to do for 30 years or so. Now, people switch jobs and careers every 5 years or so. She needs a skillset, not a specific degree. In a way, it’s going back to the very old school idea of liberal arts. I want my kid to have transferrable skills, the ability to think logically, and to have a well-rounded knowledge base of many different things. I want her to be curious and motivated. I’m not about to tell her that only certain majors will bring her happiness.
@JanieWalker I am so glad my son’s experience at Oberlin took care of any dreams of being an actor he might have had. He’s very gifted at acting, and a decent singer, but once he got to Oberlin, he encountered a wealth of talent, and realized that performance wasn’t for him. The hard part is that he’s now kind of adrift, about to graduate with an English degree with no idea of what he wants to do. But I think he will find his way, even if it takes a bit more time.
I would never criticize my children’s career choices out loud, but like some of you, I worry that they’re in for a long struggle. My son is about to graduate from Oberlin with no job. My daughter dropped out of Harvard (grad school) and is married to a composer. They are expecting a baby in June. They have a decent income with multiple gigs, as many musicians do. But it’s a grueling lifestyle, with hours of travel.
My son wants to be a professional D and D player, which is a thing, but how many people do this for a living? We keep urging him to take the GRE and the LSAT just to get some scores and have a few options.
@Massmomm He will find his way, and that English degree plus his theater skills will come in handy. Thanks to my theater skills, I have never been afraid of stepping in front of hundreds of people to give a speech or a presentation, for example. Also, my improv skills have come in handy when something has gone wrong during one of those speeches/presentations. And he can still audition for things while also looking for work with his English degree. Sounds like his eyes are wide open now so he can make really informed choices.
“College is an education, not just an investment in a kid’s future”
But an education can be gotten in a lot of places in a lot of ways. One of the cheapest is simply by reading books. Another is getting in to a sales training program. Neither costs 5-6 figures (in fact, you get paid to learn in the latter; granted, you have to perform). Once something costs 5-6 figures, it’s a necessity, luxury item, or investment (or some combination)
“I’ve used this analogy before on this discussion board: careers these days are less like climbing the rungs of a well-defined ladder and more like going up a climbing wall”
And the bank of mom and dad is like a grappling hook.
The reality is that in this country currently, how much your parents can fund you plays a big part in how dangerous it is to try fields of study that may not compensate you well or how feasible it is to change careers without taking on a risky amount of debt. Partially why there is widening inequality in this country.
Anyway, kids are their own person and will make their own decisions. The best you can do is point out the potential consequences of their decisions and make sure that they are responsible for those consequences. Before 30, though, most people’s frontal lobes are not completely developed yet (and in any case, many young people in this country have only some life experience, which means they may not fully comprehend their potential future), so keep that in mind.
Otherwise he has a temporary job he loves while waiting to get married this June, then he and our future DIL will figure out what they want to do together based upon where she gets a job. His degree certainly wasn’t worthless - we enjoyed visiting him in Jordan while he was doing a Study Abroad! He also learned about Permaculture Farming while there.