Parents don't want me to move away for college

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hey, I know this discussion has probably been done to death, but I would really appreciate some help with my situation. My parents are great, I love them and am really grateful for all they've done for me these past 18 yrs. However, a problem has appeared now that I'm deciding which university to go to. </p>

<p>University 1 is 25-30 mins away, but my parents want me to commute. I've already brought up the arguments that it takes away from the college experience, it makes my life more complicated, harder to get a social life, harder to take part in activities, etc. My parents don't agree with those arguments, and don't think they are worth it. However, they will let me stay on res if I insist. </p>

<p>University 2 is 1.5 hrs away, which really isn't that far. I like it much better: academically they're both the same, but U2 has a much better campus, better dorms, better location, better social scene, just more fun and interesting in general. My parents really don't want me to go there, even though they know that's the school I really want to go to. Their arguments are basically: its more expensive ($2000 about, but my family's financial situation is good, this isn't a problem) and it creates many inconveniences for them (they have to drive 1.5 hrs to see me, it's harder to come home when I want to, I can't live at home in later years if I want to).</p>

<p>I've been trying to talk to them about it, but no matter what I bring up (I want to be more independent, Univ. 2 is much nicer, its time for me to move out) they really want me to go to Univ. 1. They are immigrant parents if that helps, so they have a little more "life experience" than your average North American parent, and so they find my arguments of "it's nicer and has a better social scene" negligible. They have said that if I decide to go to Univ. 2 they will support me and pay, and help me out, but they are making me feel really guilty about moving away and causing all these "inconveniences" for them.</p>

<p>Thanks for reading all this, I could really use some help. What can I do to feel less guilty/make them accept my decision?</p>

2

<p>Sit down with them and run the numbers.</p>

<p>What would it cost you to commute? What would it cost you to live on campus? Get the $$ straight. Yes, part of this may well be that they really don’t see any point in shelling out for a residence hall and a meal plan. We saved roughly $7000 in apartment rental for each of the years Happykid was at the local community college and commuting to class (more than 30 minutes each way) on the city bus.</p>

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<p>I wish my commute to visit my children was an hour and half drive. But that’s not the way it is and I am glad that they got to go to college in a city that they love ( well I do too after all )
It isn’t easy for parents to let go of the pursestrings , but it isn’t like you are going across the country so I do hope they ease up on you and let you choose the school you really want to attend
Good luck !</p>

4

<p>Living at home would be cheaper obviously, but I really want the “college experience”. I think it’s something worth paying for, and something that I need to do in order to improve my social life, and to gain more independence. I’m most likely living on campus, its just that I’m having a tough time convincing my parents that Univ. 2 is worth it (it really is). There’s not very much price difference between the two, they just say it’s too “inconvenient” for them to have me be 1.5 hrs away.</p>

5

<p>If this is solely about cost then you need to focus on that issue.</p>

<p>Looking at the true cost of commuting is a good start. How much can be saved if you are dropped from their insurance policy? Will commuting require buying a car or is public transportation possible.</p>

<p>Are you willing to cut cost? Are you willing to cook some of your meals so you will have a cheaper meal plan. Are you willing to live in a triple room rather then a double? Are you willing to work more?</p>

6

<p>Is it possible for your parents to talk to other parents that have kids in college? While as parents we would love to see more of our kids but the reality is that students have a job (called school and jobs) that often requires studying seven days a week. Having a parent drop in on a regular basis probably isn’t going to help.</p>

<p>I was kid 5. By that time my parents had that figured out. I was lucky if they came to campus one a year. Maybe I just wasn’t loved.</p>

7

<p>No, money is not that big of an issue really. The costs of living on campus won’t really put that much of a strain on us financially. Plus, I have a job and will be paying for a decent amount of it myself. The issue is that they feel my decision to move away will inconvenience them (they have to drive father, I can’t come home to see them all the time, etc). If anyone else has immigrant parents, they’ll know that they’re not really as care-free and they’re kind of overbearing at times.
Its more the fact that I want to move away from home, experience life on my own for a while, and become more independent. My parents disagree with me wanting that.</p>

8

<p><a href=“http://www.heri.ucla.edu/DARCU/CompletingCollege2011.pdf[/url]”>http://www.heri.ucla.edu/DARCU/CompletingCollege2011.pdf&lt;/a&gt; (page 47) indicates that living in the dorm is associated with higher graduation rates than all other living situations.</p>

9

<p>Here are your options:

  1. Go to U2, parents pay, learn and love your independence, feel guilty
  2. Go to U2, you pay the room and board costs ($7K), learn and love your independence, rationalize away your guilt because you are paying
  3. Go to U1, live on campus, parents pay, learn and love your independence, feel guilty, visit your parents to help out and hear them complain
  4. Go to U1, live at home, no new independence although some new friends, feel dutiful, dependable and resentment towards your parents</p>

<p>Personally, I’d go with #2. I can rationalize away anything!!</p>

10

<p>Your parents are immigrants and they may not have the experience w/US colleges that others might. That’s understandable. Do you have family or family friends whose kids successfully went away to college? Perhaps a clergy person to give perspective? Are they fearing missing out on your language/cultural bridge role in the family? Are there student orgs at U2 for your ethnic group? Can you & family go and visit? Speak with other students at U2 from your country/ethnic group ?</p>

11

<p>Parent here. I would recommend #2.</p>

<p>Both you and they need some separation to allow you to grow independently. Money doesn’t seem to be the issue. It’s a small difference for a lot of growth. </p>

<p>1.5 hrs - I think that’s the optimal distance frankly. My kids go to school much further away than that. Your parents will not be able to just drop in, but have to plan and schedule time with you. You won’t have family “expectations” with demands on your time so you will be able to put school first and social life second. You are close enough to come home for emergencies and an occasional weekend, and it will be special for them, not routine. </p>

<p>This will be hard on them, but it’s hard on all of us parents, but we know when we make our kids that they will grow up and live their own lives. Knowing and internalizing are two different things. Nonetheless, it’s what must happen to maximize your development into an independent adult.</p>

12

<p>Long ago, my own overbearing parents insisted that I live it home for college for no legitimate reason other than their personal preference. Their expectation was not based upon financial circumstances; they could easily afford any college. Belatedly I applied and enrolled at a college where a large number of students lived off-campus, usually at their parents’ home. Commuting created a significant hardship for me. Without traffic, it was a 40-minute off-peak commute by car each way. During AM and PM rush-hour periods (which was when I was doing actual commute) drive was really anywhere from 60 to 90 minutes (excluding major traffic accidents). Essentially I “lost” two hours of time that could otherwise have been devoted to homework. Plus, my major required significant time at school (M-S, 8 am to 5 pm class-time periods) plus at least four hours of homework nightly. I was always sleep deprived, and inevitably driving that morning commute half-asleep.</p>

<p>Discuss this issue with your parents. I most definitely felt deprived of that “college experience” of 24/7 school-related on-campus life.</p>

13

<p>Why is College #2 only $2k more if you need Room and Board? (or am I mixed up?)</p>

<p>As for the added distance for “parent visiting”, that’s irrelevant. Parents shouldn’t be visiting so often that the distance should matter. And, you shouldn’t be coming home often either.</p>

14

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<p>Actually, the OP only has options allowed by the parents; the parents have full control over a dependent-for-financial-aid-purposes student’s college choices, unless the student gets a full ride somewhere.</p>

15

<p>“They have said that if I decide to go to Univ. 2 they will support me and pay, and help me out, but they are making me feel really guilty about moving away and causing all these “inconveniences” for them.”</p>

<p>Then you should go. Your parents will get used to the idea once you’re there and some time has passed and they see how happy you are learning how to be independent. If you give in to the guilt and go to Univ. 1 and don’t like the situation, you will always wonder “what if?”. It’s not like you haven’t a choice due to finances or an outright “no” on Univ. 2. Separation anxiety is normal from both ends. You have the opportunity and financial support. The distance to Univ. 2 is not far. Don’t lose the chance to go to your first choice based solely on guilt.</p>

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<p>I agree with Vot123. Forget guilt. They said they would let you go, they just really don’t want to. You know that money’s not the issue. It’s really not that far to drive. Many people drive that far to work EVERY DAY.</p>

17

<p>Just exactly what do you mean when you say that the favored U would not result in too much financial strain? How much are they going to have to cut back their lifestyle if you go there? Do you have a ginormous college fund sitting in the bank that will cover everything except what you can come up with from your own part time job?</p>

<p>Every year there are families who suffer financial reversals, and every year there are students who find that they over estimated how much they could earn and/or under estimated their expenses. Take another look at that whole “not too big a strain” thing before you commit anywhere.</p>