Parents Forum Notes

Parents Forum
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<p>Lately, there has been a perception among some members that the CC Parents forum hasn't been as friendly and welcoming a place as in the past. Part of this may be growth in our community - as communities get bigger, often they don't seem as cozy as they used to be.</p>

<p>Part of the problem, though, has been the unfamiliarity of some members with our Terms</a> of Service. Perhaps the most important element in College Confidential's community philosophy is the concept of courtesy and respect for other members. We believe that every member, whether student or parent, complete neophyte or Ivy League admissions director, should be welcomed and treated with equal consideration.</p>

<p>In practical terms, this philosophy drives these posting mandates:</p>

<p>1) Different points of view are fine and are expected; CC would be a boring community without them. However, it is never acceptable to turn a disagreement about facts or opinions into a critique of another member, i.e., to question the intelligence, experience, motivation, etc. of another member.</p>

<p>2) "Mob moderation" isn't acceptable - if you feel that a post is problematic, please don't hijack the thread by critiquing the member who posted it; rather, call the post to the attention of moderators.</p>

<p>3) We don't discuss moderator actions in the forum, but questions or comments are always welcome by PM or email. We review and respond to all of these.</p>

<p>4) Be careful with humor. In years of managing online communities, I've seen that misguided (or misunderstood) attempts at humor are one of the biggest causes of member conflict. This can happen in real life, too, but it's far easier in text communications where we don't have facial expressions and body language to convey the intent of a remark. (CC has smileys you can use to emphasize your intent. ;) )</p>

<p>5) If you find yourself making the same point again and again, you are probably going to get on people's nerves. We've occasionally had to exclude members who seemed to have their own agenda. Thankfully, most CC members post on a range of topics and are willing to accept that opinions other than theirs exist and may even have some merit.</p>

<p>I'd like to take this opportunity to thank our parent members who not only share their experience with each other but often take the time to help our many student members with their college questions. At CC, we have received countless communications from members who have benefitted greatly from reading and participating here, and our parent members deserve a pat on the back for being a key part of making CC the great community that it is. Thanks!</p>

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<p>Roger, Thank you.
Another helpful hint for posters: use the first person. Even controversial statements that begin with "I think" or "I feel" are a lot easier for the recipient to swallow than statements that begin with "You should". (Avoid the temptation to use "I think you should....")
Another useful technique is to insert a short phrase noting the difference between the poster's situation and the intended recipient's, or stating the poster's ignorance about the recipient's situation. Carolyn is particularly effective in using these techniques, and as a result she can make strong suggestions without insulting her audience.</p>

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<p>Good point... not to be confused with stating the recipient's ignorance about the poster's situation, a much less welcome technique! ;)</p>

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<p>I would like to add a strong second to your confidence in Carolyn and thank you for this thread. </p>

<p>I don't know if you have put a similar one up for the students, but it might be worthwhile. (and make the adults feel less sheepish for being the only ones called to the principal's office.)</p>

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<p>I have felt dissed by frequent posters to this board who are better writers than me and enjoy put-downs more than I enjoy rising to the bait. This mainly happened last year and it tends to happen to me because I am socially conservative (though not politically).</p>

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<p>It is so important for respondents to put themselves in the original poster's shoes. What advice/feedback would they find useful? I've written a reply only to take a moment to re-read it carefully through different lenses. It made a big difference in the tenor of the message.</p>

<p>Starting with "have you considered . . ." could also minimize the friction. Remember the Golden Rule.</p>

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<p>There seem to be more trolls lately, but a good old-fashioned shunning takes away what they crave--attention. It's hard not to rise to the bait, but no direct response seems to kill off most of them.</p>

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<p>What about relatively new posters to a forum - are there some unspoken rules they need to observe? (It appears that there are and perhaps it would be helpful to see them listed somewhere).</p>

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<p>The main unspoken rule that I know is that it's a good idea to become familiar with the board before criticizing it. </p>

<p>In general, the people who don't do this are some students, who sometimes come here incorrectly assuming that this board is a place for competitive parents who are pushing their kids to go to careers and colleges that the students have no interest in.</p>

<p>While the board is called "Parents' Forum," young people are welcome who come here for advice, and many wise parents go out of their way to be supportive and helpful.</p>

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<p>I may have had in mind (with this inquiry) the same recent thread you might have in mind (and if so, I fully comprehend the irritation!) </p>

<p>But I also wonder if newcomers to this forum, or perhaps any internet forum, are supposed to pay some sort of dues - measured in number of innocuous posts maybe?- before they offer their take on a subject, even if they feel they have been through the process enough to offer meaningful (helpful?) comment. Perhaps they just need to announce, as many do, that they are first time posters? There is great commarderie on this board among a large number of regulars, but I think that sometimes the lurkers have become familiar enough with the threads that they feel as if they are simply partaking in a conversation they are familiar with, not intruding in on one. No way for regulars to know that really. Lurking may seem unsavory, but I think these forums have helped countless lurkers who just don't quite know how (or if) to join the conversation of internet friends.</p>

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<p>I think that it's a good idea to announce that one is a first time poster. This is similar to what one might do when attending a meeting of an established group in real life. So that people get to know you, it's a good idea to say a little about oneself and one's connection with the organization.</p>

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<p>Basically to give a "face" to the poster? Makes sense. </p>

<p>And maybe lurking a little first is a good thing - a way to see whats been said before and which posters really are speaking with solid, firsthand knowledge.</p>

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<p>You can't tell the players without a program, and there's no program here :) It can be a good idea to read a person's last few posts, if you're new, to get of sense of where they're coming from before responding.</p>

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<p>to Mr Dooley oops...I just posted a new thread to "parents" ...i think it should be in parents cafe. about the 911 walk I thought i was in the cafe section sorry.... you can move it if you like.</p>

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<p>I would like to see parents NOT post broad generalizations about colleges that they've read or heard somewhere. It seems that quite frequently I will stumble across a "this school is too liberal" ...conservative, fratish, jockish etc...from someone who does not have students there, did not attend there, doesn't live in the vicinity or have any firsthand knowledge from a visit etc.... </p>

<p>I hate to see prospective students cross schools off their lists because of a comment here. They are reading and taking these comments to heart. I know that I relied heavily on other's impressions of schools that they visited, or comments from parents/students who are currently attending said school. </p>

<p>Lately I've seen comments that I know are just not true. We need to be careful about what we post. The best thing to do is to refer a student to someone who does have firsthand knowledge if at all possible.</p>

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<p>Amen to TexasTaxiMom's post.</p>

<p>I would like to see some sort of list for new posters - it does seem as if some of the inadvertently run afoul of the "unspoken rules" of CC. Some, for example, have snapped at very valued posters; some just don't seem to understand the give-and-take of this particular community.</p>

<p>I would also suggest (specific to some fora) that new posters read through old posts. Very common to see a post asking the same questions which have been answered ad infinitum before.</p>

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<p>I've made it a general rule that for any new e-community that I get involved with, I read some old posts and then read current posts for a while before I post myself, getting a sense of who's who and what the [often] unspoken conventions are, what the "flavor" of exchanges are, etc. Sometimes it's 2-3 days before I make my first post though once I lasted as long as a week.</p>

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<p>I also agree completely with texastaximom. Unfortunately I think some of the so called "valued" posters are often guilty of making broad generalizations as well. I am not really sure what makes a poster more "valued". Is it the number of posts, the fact that they may be reaping professional benefits from CC, or what?</p>

<p>I personally appreciate the input from many of the new posters. Sometimes the new opinions are refreshing as well.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
I think some of the so called "valued" posters are often guilty of making broad generalizations as well. I am not really sure what makes a poster more "valued". Is it the number of posts, the fact that they may be reaping professional benefits from CC, or what?

[/quote]

Ummmmmmmmm.......yeah, what she said. ~b.</p>

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<p>I was, in my head, thinking of a very specific incident in which a new poster started crucifying Carolyn. </p>

<p>IMO, "valued" cannot be quantified. It's about wisdom, experience, willingness to help other posters, and adding to the "community" of CC. Even the engineer in me doesn't want to quantify that.</p>