You’re a nurse, or want to be, and your BF is a smoker. Think about that. Go visit the oncology ward at your hospital and spend some time with lung cancer patients. That’ll give you a good idea as to what you’ll be dealing with in a few years time. Your parents love and you and want the best for you. This guy sounds immature and selfish to me. Sneaking cigarettes?? Come on…not the sign of a mature guy. You sound like you’re very smart and motivated to make something of your life. There is a fantastic guy waiting to meet you, and he’ll be just as bright and mature as you are, and he won’t come between you and your parents.
OP I’m with your parents on this. I was you thirty years ago with a bf my parents didn’t approve of. I couldn’t or didn’t want to see it but I knew deep down inside they were right. Hindsight is 20/20 they say and now I know why. My parents enticed me to move back home and pay for my graduate degree. I took them up on it and never looked back. I’m so grateful for the ‘lectures’ I received even though I was 22 at the time. Trust your parents’ wisdom. Just from what you’ve shared about your relationship with this young man, I would encourage you to focus on finishing your schooling and get your career started without the distraction of a relationship especially one that’s not stable and where trust is lacking.
I don’t see how anyone can say they’re suffocating or predict future manipulation. We only know one side, OP hasn’t complained about other demands.
What worries me is this: he’s leaving for the military in one month “and I asked him if he can wait for me to finish school…but he is scared if we take a break then I will forget him, find someone else, etc.”
I’m sorry, but saying he’s worried about you is often code that he would want his options open, can’t make the commitment on his part.
Agree, it sounds like your bf is offering his own ultimatum: my way or all bets are off. But he’s leaving, regardless. And you have an education to finish.
When the relationship is good, strong, and fair, both sides work it out.
hey everyone! I just wanna say thank you so much for all of the advice and helping me see both sides of the coin.
I ended up breaking things off with my boyfriend. You guys were right, he was too immature.
I was concerned about him given the circumstances and I was worried that he may pick up smoking again due to stress. I asked him if he would be okay going to his friend’s house since I know everyone in that household smokes, and he said he will be fine.
He then proceeded to blame me as to why he smokes. He said i pressure him too much by asking questions and it causes him to want to smoke more when in reality, I just asked if he would be okay being in that environment.
I told him, he needs to find himself and stop blaming everyone else around him for his own personal issues. Sure dodged a bullet there! Thank you mom and dad for helping me see the bigger picture.
Good job Nursinggirl^^^^^^^^^^^
wish my oldest would see the light as you have!! Good luck on your career it will be amazing and you will many amazing men with careers as well. Emotions often trick us all at some point great job making the right choice!!
^^ Thank you hannuhylu!
I was blinded by love for sure! But right when i saw that he was blaming me for his own issues, I knew it was time for me to run! Thanks!
@nursinggirlxx25 I just read through the thread today but good for you! Now is the time for you to focus on youself and getting your degree. Never accept anyone blaming you for their own problems. That is a major warning sign. I’m glad it all worked out for you.
When I was as typing my first reply I started to go off on a tangent and I cut out some info before posting but I’ll share now.
I have a good friend whose H had a tobacco habit. When they were dating, he said he quit and she agreed to marry him. He was good through the engagement and started again on the wedding day. He planned it that way all along. He laughed telling the story, but the thing is, within a year or so of him telling me, he died suddenly a heart issue, leaving my friend a widow with six kids.
This is not to say a person can’t genuinely quit, even for the sake of the person he loved, but if someone starts out blaming other people or lying about the habit, that’s different.
I also knew a guy who told me the only reason he drank a lot was because he wasn’t living with me together yet. You can guess what happened when we moved in together.
There is no doubt in my mind that you did the right thing. I wish you the very best finishing your degree and getting started in a great career debt free!!!
^^
Oh my gosh, MACmiracle that is crazy! It’s true no one can truly change unless they want to themselves. Hope she is doing okay now!
and it’s funny you mention that, my ex said the reason why he was smoking again was because I was not there anymore. But I knew that was a lie, because when I was there, he began sneaking it behind my back and then blamed me as to why he started up again.
When he came clean about smoking behind my back, he found a way to make me the cause of the problem, and next thing you know, it was me begging for forgiveness.
Thank you for all the support everyone, it means a lot! Living in a new place I don’t have much people to lean on, so I’m super thankful to have found a great online community of support!
It sounds to me like your parents believe this guy isn’t good for you so they’ve exercised what constraints they can to help you move on from him.
Chances are your parents are right. Hindsight is 20/20 but I bet if you did break up with him and move on in a positive direction with your life you’d look back one day and say, “boy were they right. Thank God I listened to them.”
Good luck.
@Empireapple - have you read post #23?
Glad things are working out, OP. I have to say, my immediate thought was to run a mile. I also don’t think your parents handled things that well, but I do think it’s because they want the best for you. Good luck, thanks for coming back to update.
@nursinggirlxx25 I do hope you will find time and energy for personal counseling. Your earlier posts mentioned some bad past relationships, and you might want to look deeper to understand what is driving you to make poor choices as you seek out romantic relationships. It sounds like you are a mature person, so if you really step back and decide your pattern of past choices in the romance department are not ones you are proud of, realize that unless you make some conscious changes, you are likely to repeat this pattern moving forward.
Best of luck to you with nursing school!
^^
powercropper, thank you!
I’m a ‘fixer’… I began to notice I would date guys who are not good for me but I know they had the potential to be. So I like to be that change and help them reach their full potential, and when they don’t (either they cheat on me, or manipulate me) then I get my heart broken.
Not exactly sure why I do this, I just know I like pulling people out of their bad habits and help them grow into the best person they can be but in reality you can’t shine a toad and expect it to be a prince.
It’s not healthy at all, so I am definitely off the dating scene for quite a while until I figure out how to not fall in that trap again.
I guess that’s why I decided to make a career out of my habit to help people lol
I know it’s hard to hear but in all likelihood, you’re probably not going to be with your boyfriend forever. He was your ex once and he’ll probably be your ex again. Your education and degree will last you a lifetime. Don’t give that up for the short term gratification of being with him. Your parents are looking out for your best interest. Maybe they are seeing things you are overlooking because of how you feel for him. It’s gonna hurt to leave him but ultimately the choice is easy. Choose your education. Choose you.
Edit: Oh wow! I only read the first post and made this comment. Now just reading through the entire thread and you have made your decision. I’m glad for you! Good choice!
Folks, please read the whole thread! @calicash thanks for catching that you didn’t. This is all too common on CC and extra details are provided along the way.
OP, I suggest find the prince and change the world by doing your best to raise little princes and princesses. Kudos to recognizing you need to step away until you figure this out.
Trying to help others is a good part of growing. You can be proud of that, your interest in nursing. But the key (and more mature) point is that you can’t always “fix” others, bring that into your personal partnerships, can’t devote your life to guys needing help. That’s not the lovely balance. You can aim for a relationship where you get what you truly need and deserve.
Many who like to help others do find partners who appreciate and encourage them. Try to remember the airplane advice: put on your own oxygen mask first. A good partner will encourage this, understand, and also be growing.
Best wishes.
You’re an independent grown up and capable of making your own decisions. It’s not up to them to determine who you should date. If they cut off your tuition, big deal. Take the loans and be happy. In fact it might be better to stop accepting their money and claim your adulthood. Whether this guy is right for you or not is your decision and yours alone.
@coolguy40: you need to read the whole thread before you respond. This was solved more than 2 months ago.