Hey, so I am seeking advice from people who are not part of my current situation who can speak as an outside perspective. I was living on my own (I am 21), my parents were helping me pay for my tuition, and I was working as much as I can to pay my rent, car, food, etc. I was dating my boyfriend(he is 26) during that time and my parents were aware of our relationship and approved. My boyfriend had some struggles with his own personal goals and smoking cigarettes (I got into a relationship with him because he was quitting, i normally will not date a smoker) and he quits but we were bickering a lot (we resolved this) and he began to pick up smoking behind my back. He was honest with me about how he was hiding it and came clean on his own. I was pretty hurt given the fact I have a bad past of relationships, so any type of lying or hiding really hits home for me. We decided we needed to break up and give each other space. My parents were aware of this space and of course responded with “You’re so much better without him…You don’t need him” the usual response from parents. Fast forward about a month, he and I worked through our issues and decided to give it another shot. We have been perfect ever since.
But, I made a decision to move back home with my parents because juggling nursing school and working full time to pay the rent was becoming quite a burden. So my parents offered to let me back in and let me continue my studies from there. My parents live further away so my boyfriend and I agreed on long distance. I came clean to my parents that me and my ex have gotten back together and resolved our issues. My parents lashed out at me, and began to scream and yell their disapproval to me. Their stance is, I do not need a serious boyfriend right now when I am trying to focus on my studies. They believe he is a distraction and no good for me. So my parents said they refuse to let me continue a relationship with someone they disapprove of while supporting me to go to school. If I wish to continue a relationship with him, I must figure out my own way to pay for school (loans, etc).
I feel incredibly hurt that my parents don’t want me dating someone so much they are willing to let me go into debt. My dad keeps saying “You don’t have to go with our support, but if you do, then you need to break up with him, it is your choice.”
I have the option to pack up all my stuff and move back and rely on loans to help me go through school, or I need to break up with someone who makes me so happy because of my parents.
I have talked to them numerous times and they refuse to change their mind. I am so lost. I have about a year and a half left of school, so I feel like I am so close to finishing with zero debt, that it’s hard to leave and begin to rack up in student loans. But then I don’t want to give in to my parent’s blackmail and lose a great relationship.
My boyfriend supports me in whatever decision I make, I know he is hurt as well. He is leaving for the military soon, and I asked him if he can wait for me to finish school since he will be so busy with his new career. But he is scared if we take a break then I will forget him, find someone else, etc. which is not the case.
Any advice would be helpful, thank you.
No advice to be given. It’s you parents’ money, and they have set the terms. If you want to move out, you’ll have to pay and you moved home because working full time didn’t allow you to go to school.
It seems like you’d be giving up a lot from your parents to be with your boyfriend for a short time before he leaves for the military.
I imagine your parents were equally hurt that you were seeing him before “coming clean.”
And parents don’t routinely give the “you’re better off without him” speech if the guy is someone they approve of.
This sentence “I feel incredibly hurt that my parents don’t want me dating someone so much they are willing to let me go into debt.” sounds like you’ve decided to play the victim.
This one: “But he is scared if we take a break then I will forget him, find someone else, etc. which is not the case.” sounds like he’s having some real doubts about the relationship. I can state with absolute certainty that if my husband were somehow on the other side of the world for a decade, that wouldn’t happen. And is he planning to break up with you before he joins the military? Because that’s pretty much the “break” you describe.
At the end of the day, you’re an adult. There are always options. You can do whatever you choose. But you can’t expect your parents to fund the lifestyle you choose if they don’t approve of it. Their money is theirs, they’ve earned it and it’s theirs. Your money is yours, to spend as you choose. You could opt to go to school part time and work and continue your relationship.
My choice would be to see this as a test: if you guys can’t make it without seeing other people and start dating during a year and a half, well, err, that’s bad news for your relationship.
However, as a compromise, would your parents a long distance relationship only?
At 21 your parents should not be giving you an ultimatum like this. While they may not love your boyfriend it is not their choice. Of course they can do this but it will create resentment whether you date him or not. I would keep your parents out of your love life based on this whether you date him or someone else.
It is unfortunate that they are holding $ over your head, and it could really taint your relationship forever (shortsighted of them not to see this), but, its their $.
If your parents had come here for advice, I think most posters would advise them against this particular stance. It’s seems to be a mistake. But people often need to make their own mistakes and learn from them. So since you are the one here, all posters can really do is give you advice based on the line they have already drawn in the sand.
I would tell them you will not be dating your boyfriend but as he is going into the military, you feel it’s important to retain a friendship for now and you will continue to write, email, text, call each other because (I’m assuming) you are also friends. In the meantime, were I you, I would start to think about options for regaining financial independence from them. Work, save as much money as possible and have a plan. Maybe make friends with others who may be looking for a room mate soon. That way, whether you and he decide to step up the relationship or whether your parents take more steps to control you, either way you will know you have viable options and plans.
I would also really think about the relationship with your boyfriend. Really examine if there are any valid reasons for their concerns, even if they are expressing the concerns in the wrong way.
Leaving your parents and the money out of it for a minute, I’m not convinced your bf is mature enough for a serious relationship from what you’ve said about him.
While your parents might seem unreasonable to you now, they probably have enough life experience that they see the same red flags I’m seeing. I think their ultimatum is not to control you for their own sake but because they have serious concerns about the bf and how he might affect your life. They want the best for you.
If your bf were more mature and less insecure and truly wanted the best for you, he would encourage you to continue your education and avoid debt for the sake of your future, especially since he will be going into the military. He’ll be off, and you’ll be the one stuck making the loan repayments.
Here is the thing this won’t be the last time your parents pull this on you. Controlling parents like this tend to repeat the behavior. While i am sure you and your parents love each other if you don’t stand up to it you will probably face this type of behavior down the road which may or may not have anything to do with a future spouse. If you can afford to get through school on your own regardless of boyfriend get out from your controlling parents. You will be happier. They can say they don’t approve but making you choose is inappropriate and will hinder you in life from making important decisions yourself.
If you accept money from people, you have to also accept the terms that come with it.
In my view (and experience) your choices are binary: either become truly independent and do what you want to do with whom you want to do it, or take your parents’ money and accept their rules.
(I chose independence, fwiw, although not because of a boyfriend. Parents were not pleased but hey, who is pleased with having to give up control when you’re that kind of person, right?)
My other observation is that you’re putting your boyfriend’s needs before your own.
Yes i understand that completely. I was hoping my boyfriend would encourage me to stick it out and finish school.He doesn’t seem to understand that I am not comfortable moving back just to see him for a month and then he will be gone for 4+ months in training and then I will be the one stuck taking out loans. So why can’t we use this time for a break? No matter where I am, we are going to be long distance due to his career. He just seems to want the certainty that he won’t lose me.
My stance is, I am almost done, why can’t we take a break (we can even set ground rules for our break), when I am done, then we can continue a relationship.
^^I don’t think you need to ask him if you can take a break. If that’s what you need for you, then it’s not even a question. If he’s the one for you, he’ll give you the space you need to grow.
There is no certainty in the world about losing people-don’t let fear keep you in a relationship.
There’s a lot of great advice in this thread that you need to sort through to find the best solution. Like others have mentioned try to analyze this relationship and your boyfriend’s maturity. You seem to have it all together–pretty impressive. My concern is that you had mentioned the previous bad relationships–without knowing the details, maybe you can think about any patterns in the relationships or shared character traits in individuals that you’ve had relationships with previously–perhaps your parents are seeing a pattern. It goes without saying your parents love you and are looking out for you–and it’s hard to turn that off as soon as you turn 18 or 21.
You and your parents don’t have a healthy relationship. This manipulation is unacceptable. Move away from them, borrow the money. What they offer is not support, it’s an unhealthy suffocating deal. The best that you can hope for is that they will eventually trust your judgement enough to support your decisions and your mistakes. We all make mistakes. Nobody knows if staying with your boyfriend or leaving him is one of them. You have to use your best judgement, live with the consequences, and don’t beat yourself up. Your parents are unwilling to invest their money in you under the current circumstances. You need to decide if the nursing career is worth the investment of your own resources and if so, borrow the money, or take longer to graduate so that you can support yourself. There is no timetable in life. How much do you have to borrow? Don’t fear debt, fear unreasonable debt.
I can’t tell you what to do with your boyfriend except live in the present without parental pressure. What will be will be. You can’t be in a healthy relationship with someone unless you are unafraid to be alone. He can’t either. There is a short book that I like called “Art of Loving” by Erich Fromm that explains this better.
I think they are worried because of seeing you hurt. You said you guys were arguing and on a break, and you were unhappy with him lying. And now you are back together and so happy.
But not for long, since he is leaving for who knows how long soon.
If it was any other degree, then you could possibly work and pay your your living expenses, and maybe borrow enough for school. As a junior you can only borrow $7,500 though, and not sure if that would pay for nursing school.
But as a nursing student, once you are in clinicals, you won’t be able to work.
By living at home you also have more time to devote to your studies, since you don’t need to work, shop, cook and clean.
If you want to finish your degree, I don’t think you have much of a choice but to do what your parents want.
You can ask your boyfriend for a break do you can finish school, and then see where you guys stand after that.
You can then move to where he is and be debt free.
Or you could try and talk to your parents to see if they would be ok with you dating long distance once he is away.
^
I agree, and I see where your point of view is. I’m a daddy’s girl, and my dad seeing me get hurt the first time around was enough for him to want me to stay away from my boyfriend for good.
I want to finish my degree especially since it is so close to the finish line. I worked hard to get into nursing school, and I don’t want to compromise that hard work for a relationship that may or may not work out.
I want to take a break to focus on my studies and for him to focus on his new career path (not intended to date others,etc.) and when the time is right, I can move to be with him. But he keeps saying “either you’re with me or you’re not, I’m saying no to a break”
If I knew he was staying in one place and was not moving, then I would be more towards being with him, but given the circumstances, there is just no practical reason to drown myself in debt other than he will be gone and I will be the one stuck paying the price.
The financial aid system hands parents a lot of power to control their kids lives until age 26 when they become independent for financial aid purposes.
But these ultimatums seem to indicate you’re facing emotional abuse on both sides. Your bf wants to pursue his career while keeping you from yours.
Get your degree. Get some counseling. Find some friends and a significant other who will support you in difficult situations, not add to the pressure. You need people in your life who want you to be happy and successful, rather than trying to use their power to get their own way over your personal decisions.
To be honest, we are hearing only one side of the story. We don’t know what your parents’ feelings are, what they have observed in the relationship, and why they feel as they do, other than through your filter. They may have legitimate reasons to feel as they seem to, or they may not. Regardless, they are entitled to have requirements if they fund your education. As I used to tell my kids (jokingly) “You have 2 choices- take it or leave it”
I do agree with others, though, that the one who sounds controlling is not your parents, its your boyfriend. If you want to take a break, you take a break. You don’t need his permission. And if he is unreasonable, or pressures you, or is demanding or heaven forbid stalks you, then that speaks volumes.
“You’re with me or your not” is a classic manipulative phrase used to pressure people tod something they know is wrong. If your bf truly lived you, he wouldn’t do that. He is trying to manipulate you. He already did it with the smoking.
Your parents are not saying they won’t speak to you, love you, etc. I agree those would be inappropriate. They are saying they won’t pay for college and if you want true independence in decisions, then you need to be financially independent. Perhaps there was a better way but you are not scribing a healthy relationship with your bf and your parents see that, including you hiding that you were back together.
If your relationship can’t survive bootcamp, it won’t survive the military. I’ve missed over three years with my family in total from deployments and dets. We have a happy healthy family despite the separation.
“I want to finish my degree especially since it is so close to the finish line. I worked hard to get into nursing school, and I don’t want to compromise that hard work for a relationship that may or may not work out.”
I think that this is exactly right.
To me it looks like your relationship with your parents is not ideal. They are very likely correct in being skeptical about your relationship with your bf, but I don’t think that it was wise for them to give you this ultimatum. That being said, from what you said I would be very surprised if your relationship with your bf survives for very long. Also if your parents are paying to support your education that does give them the option of setting the terms.
Remember that bf’s come and bf’s go, but you will only have one set of parents. While they are not perfect (none of us are) they are the only parents that you are ever going to have and you should try not to break your relationship with them (which is pretty much the same thing that I would tell them if they had posted their side of the issue).
All of that said, the most important thing is that you don’t want to mess up your future as a nurse, and you don’t want to take on excessive debt. Nursing is a solid career that will allow you to help others while earning a solid income for a very long time. This is your future. Thus yes definitely you have worked hard to get into nursing school and do not compromise that: Keep you eye on the prize and get that degree and earn that career for yourself.
If your relationship with your boyfriend is meant to be then he will still be there in 18 months when you have graduated. However, I agree with others that in fact regardless of what you do IMHO it is very unlikely that this particular relationship will last: Even more reason for you to not endanger your future as a nurse.
