In don’t feel a sense of guilt- I feel a sense of responsibility. My D worked HARD and got into a program that is recognized as one of the top 5 for her major in the nation, with an acceptance rate in single digits. So we decided to make it work. I don’t see it as caving to prestige- I see it as an opportunity too good to miss- THAT would be what would make me feel guilty
I reject the notion of “donut hole family.” Schools don’t shower money on poorer students, such that their quality of lie becomes better than yours. By definition, they’re living lives at limits that socalled full-pays do not. Someone not getting aid can full-pay, and still have a better quality of live than the student who is getting aid. But it will not be the quality of life they are used to.
I respect the decision not to reduce your quality of life drastically in order to pay for a college. But I think it’s misguided to characterize your plight as some how more dire than that of those for whom quality of life is already reduced.
^did anyone do that? I think you are reading into this something that is simply not there!
I think the phrase “donut hole” coupled with the contrast of friends who get FA when the poster’s child cannot, certainly implies that there is an advantage to being eligible for FA. The very nature of “donut hole” is founded on that perceived boon.
I did feel really sad. Our son was applying to college in 2009/2010, we had been doing quite nicely until the economy crashed, I lost most of my income and we lost a big chunk we had invested in real estate. What would have been affordable 6 months earlier was no longer within our reach. We made an appeal based on our new financial need to the tippy top LAC where our son had been accepted, but they pointed out that we still had equity in our home. Not wanting to put our retirement in hock, we went for the great college he really liked that had offered him merit aid. We had already had the discussion about finances, so he knew that unless the appeal was met with more need-based aid he wouldn’t be attending that tippy top school. I don’t feel guilty, he got a terrific education and loved his school, but every now and then, I really feel sad. He worked as hard, and did as well, as all those kids were able to attend, but he couldn’t because his parents weren’t rich enough.
I don’t feel guilt. It is more along the lines of the same sort of emotion I might have when we drive by those beautiful beach front homes on the way to a campground. More of, wow, that would be awesome. But it doesn’t mean I feel at all guilty about the fact that we are on our way to campground instead of turning into one of those driveways.
Comparison is the death of joy. And really, life is what happens between making plans. We could have lived a different life and made different choices, but that wouldn’t have been the life we wanted. We have provided for our kids to the best of our ability within our financial means at the time and have lived making the best choices that we could see without having the gift of 20-20 hindsight.
It is what it is. We haven’t lived our lives in way that makes me feel guilty that somehow we haven’t offered them everything that we can, so I have no guilt that we can’t offer what we can’t.
I don’t feel guilty. I am doing my very best. I have nothing to feel guilty about. I am proud of what I can provide.
But I am painfully envious of those who are affluent enough to afford the college of their choice. My brother’s children do not have a price limit on their college choices. It is really hard not to feel envious when we are discussing where our children will apply and attend. This is an entirely different envy than comparing houses, vacations, etc. That I can deal with. But the college thing… it hurts.
On the other hand, I am not envious at all of those who receive a lot of financial aid. My kids have had a wonderful childhood, with many enriching experiences like summer camps, competitive sports, some family vacations, etc. Those experiences would not have been possible with a lower income (the kind that results in generous financial aid.). I would never trade those experiences for a more expensive college.
For a few days we felt sad (not guilty) that son could not go to a highly ranked school that accepted him. But he knew the ground rules - it would not be on the table w/o the hoped-for scholarship. In the end, everything worked out just fine. He’s now a very successful, self-supporting college grad.
I would feel guilty if we had built up false expectations about college financing that we couldn’t meet.
But we didn’t do that. The kids attended the schools of their choice.
If we had severe money restrictions, the kids would have attended less expensive schools and have thrived. It is their talent and hard work that makes them what they are today.
We all want to give our kids more, to give them the best - be it medical care, organic food, invigorating vacations, etc, it’s in our DNA as parents. You can feel guilty about saying no to anything that is out of your financial reach or that simply doesn’t justify the cost, or you can embrace your life and just focus on what you CAN and DO give to your kids.
Yes, you can make sacrifices along the way, save, save, save every penny, not take any vacations, live in a smaller house, etc. For some kids such sacrifices don’t diminish the “quality of childhood”, for others they do. Both my husband and I work, so vacations give us time to spend with our kids, and give them memories to last a lifetime. My daughter hates camping (ok, I admit, so do I), so I’m not sure we would be building happy memories for her by “going on a budget”. So you just need to ask yourself is it worth it, and for every family this answer will be different.
Also, IMHO, elite college is not the prize for hard work during high school, it is rather a stepping stone to the prize - an independent, successful, satisfying life. As so many pointed out, you don’t need to graduate from top college to have a wonderful life. Working hard in HS is not “pointless” even if one can’t go to elite college because one’s parents aren’t extremely rich or extremely poor. Kids who push themselves in HS typically end up getting good merit aid in lower-tier but still great schools, and they handle college coursework with ease, so again, it is not all “in vain”.
Finally, you can tell your kids that it’s not your money that is being spent for college, but essentially theirs - after all, some day they are going to inherit everything you haven’t spent on an elite college, right? Our you can just pay for grad school, giving your kids great debt-free start in life 
No, we do not feel guilty. We were very realistic with our two sons. They knew that we teach for a living, so we do not have big-paying jobs. If they wanted to keep the debt down, they would do well in school and on the SAT/ACT. That would open doors for collegiate opportunities. The oldest son was a National Merit Scholar, and he graduated debt-free. Now at a top law school, he has a full tuition/fees scholarship. The younger son is on a full tuition scholarship at his school. His debt will be his housing costs. We are proud of their accomplishments.
No one wants to tell his or her child that that “dream school” is out of his/her financial reach. But, as my sons pointed out, regardless of the colleges that they chose, they can make it their dream school if they take advantage of the opportunities presented.
No guilt whatsoever. My husband and I did it ourselves a million years ago, and it was beyond hard. We had so little money at one point in the process that we each got one hard boiled egg per day and water froze in a glass that was on my “nightstand” (acquired plastic milk crate) one night in the north of Maine because we could not afford a high electricity bill so left the heat off. Whatever families can afford to give their children toward a college education is a gift, one that many young people don’t seem to appreciate. I am grateful my own child has done her part to earn an excellent merit scholarship and is always grateful for what we do for her.
I would feel guilty if I’d told them we would pay for it and then decided to take the lower offer even though we could afford the full pay one.
I wouldn’t feel guilty if the kid knew we couldn’t afford some choices and they were off the table.
I felt sad, then wistful, but not guilty. And definitely no negative feelings towards people who (needed and ) got FA. And for the people who are getting kind of judge-y and self-righteous about their sacrifices… many of us didn’t understand what the cost of college and living in general was going to cost, or encountered economic or personal up-endings that would have shot the chance of maintaining savings for a far-off goal like college.
Anyone who has lost a job, gone through prolonged unemployment, gotten sick, had a disabled child who sucks the family finances dry, or any number of other circumstances could be in a tough position to pay for college–either poor, or in the better case, having re-attained financial stability to become a donut hole family.
I love that. “Breaking up with prestige” is a great concept.
Personally I DO feel a bit guilty. We did everything “right”–set up expectations, applied to merit based colleges, etc. But in the end, while she has a great option, I am pretty sure it isn’t her favorite. She got a huge scholarship at her favorite, but not the top one, so it was not affordable for us. It is just hard to say no to your kids sometimes. I think this is true for all parents.
I know kids not in the “donut hole” also have choices limited by finances. Unless you are mega-wealthy, then finances affect many decisions in life. I am not doing anything different for my next child, but I would be lying if I said I had no sadness that not all options in life are available to my child.
Sadness that not all options in life are available to your kid and GUILT are two different things. Guilt implies that you didn’t do something you should have or could have.
There are things I could do–get a second job, get divorced (because I got a second job!), blow my retirement savings, etc. I am choosing NOT to do these things. So yes, guilt.
I don’t feel guilty about not mortgaging our house to the hilt, because that would mean our elitely educated offspring would be faced with supporting us in old age, just what every kid should look forward to.
It’d depend on which “elite” school you can’t send your child to. It could make a huge difference between, say, being admitted to HYPSM and, say, Cornell. If it’s the latter, then I wouldn’t feel as guilty, if at all. But, that’s just my opinion.