I think a lot of people are giving OP advice based on Western standard/interaction. Based on my experience, there is no talking or reasoning with OP’s father. By talking to him would just anger him. OP is going to live in a dorm this fall (I think read that) and is only required to come home on weekends. I would just go with the flow until school starts and try not to come home as much as possible. I would also do a minor (since father insists on Bio) so OP could get a job after graduation. After college, just move as far away as possible and do not interact with the father for few years.
My father loved us, but was also very controlling growing up. I ended up getting married right out of college to get away from him. Our relationship was very rocky until my kids were born. It wasn’t until a year before he died he said to me, “You are a good mom. I wish I could have been as good of a parent as you. Maybe I was too strict with you.” That was his apology to me. I understood why he was so strict. On the other hand, he was a great grandfather, very indulgent of his grandchildren.
How should I tell my parents (both of them) that I don’t want to come home every weekend? In addition to my dad keeping tabs on my schoolwork, my mother expects me to come home just to have me near her. If I just stay quiet about it, she’ll just get furious that I’m not coming back. Keep in mind that this is a mother’s that will blow up when she doesn’t follow through on my monthly allowance payment and won’t even let me talk crap about my constricting dad on Twitter, basically censoring me, even though he would clearly start the feud. What should I say to not only him, but also her?
Maybe you come home the first weekend or two, and then by the 3rd, there’s a group project you need to stay on campus to work on together over the weekend. Rinse and repeat until they get used to you being there 2/3 of the weekends. Then make it every other weekend. Something like that.
I would tell them you have school mandated activities on weekends - study group, research with professors, mandatory speaking forum, lab work… You may not be able to get away with not coming home the whole weekend, but you can try “I am doing X on Sat until 3-5pm, and I will come home when it is finished. We have a meeting Sun night on Y, I need to be back by 3.”
“Talking crap about your dad on twitter”?
Really. And this is necessary…because?
@thumper1 Those are really only for heated moments.
You need to find ways to “work around” things. My son talked crap about my wife on social media at one point and was called to the carpet on it. He agreed he was wrong and would not happen again and it didn’t. What we didn’t know at the time was he created a new account and made it private. All was calm as his main account looked pristine and we never knew what was on the new account. Was it the best/most honest solution? No. Was it effective in getting him a bit of freedom from us? Yes.
I think one small way to get a little break is to create new social media and make it private, that way you have a little bit of a safe space.
Asad, please visit your college counseling office once you get on campus. As you say - this is more about your father than about you. He is living vicariously through you. This is more than cultural differences, and it is clearly impacting you in a very negative way. Perhaps someone in the counseling office will be able to help you in a more concrete way. You need a support system other than your parents, and you need to learn to put yourself first. Continuing the way things are is not healthy - not for you, and also not for your father. If he is as volatile as you say, there may be something wrong - could be mental illness, could even be early signs of dementia. Even if you don’t think you should get help for yourself, and feel you must put him first, get help. He sees everything about him tied to your success or failure - that’s just not healthy! He needs you to get help as much as you do. And if you don’t get thet kind of help you need, you could end up forfeiting everything to a mental health crisis.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Not necessarily true in every case, but appropriate here I believe.