Thanks for the feedback everyone. If this is what being sheltered is like, this will only go so far before I break down again and go insane.
Is it okay to make mistakes? Yes, even as adults, amirite? After all, we’re only human. I tried to tell HIM that.
Is it okay to pressure your children to be absolutely perfect: no questions asked, on the first time? Likely not, but he still refuses to see that for himself after 8 years of mentoring me in subjects he only has a baseline knowledge about.
Is it okay to tell your child you threaten to shoot them? Absolutely not, but he has the gall to do so and not regret saying it.
Now if you’ll excuse me… I unfortunately have to get back to studying. And for those wondering, it’s for Biology and I’m using a Pearson textbook, running through one chapter a day through the whole book and attempting to answer his questions on the spot despite also volunteering at a local community clinic and picking/dropping my little brother to our neighborhood C2.
may I respectfully ask, @AsadFarooqui, do you attend a place of worship, where there might be someone (a youth minister, a religious leader, etc.) whom you could speak to honestly? Your family dynamic is not normal. You are legally an adult, and your parents are not treating you like one.
It sounds like your father is under a lot of stress. What does your mom say about the incidents? Can she mediate between you and your Dad?
As far as tutoring kids, it may depend on Dad’s education. My sons asked us about the harder math , sometimes,
and asked about writing on occasion. Some consulting with parents is normal in 6th grade. it should taper off
by high school, with a few scheduled help sessions, if the parent is capable and has the time.
Remember the original poster is Pakistani American. Its a very different culture, and the father is highly educated
and wants involvement.
I just got off the phone with a friend who has a PhD in physics, born and raised in the USA,
He said he was boning up
on AP physics so he can help his younger son! His son lives with the mom so the dad loves tutoring
his younger son over a phone to stay connected. . Likewise he enjoyed tutoring his older son, who now attends Carnegie Mellon.
Pakistani culture does focus on very highly payed jobs, as i understand it. Education is paramount to
that culture and becoming a doctor a DREAM career.
However family disfunction can occur in first generation families. Death threats? Its pretty hard to know if that was serious without being there.
Asian Families by us also force summer studying on high school age children of one kind or another. Thats very normal in Colorado for first generation Asian Indian, Taiwanese and Mainland Chinese in our region. Kids were worked all summer long
and some had to go to church activities all summer long and all of them had to study for the SAT with books in the summers. Its all very normal for first generation Asian families from many different Asian cultures.
It was interesting to watch that. See the Tiger Parent College Confidential Discussion. A Korean Dad goes over
what he went though too.
Now those same Asian American children? They succeeded by and large: One went to Vanderbilt to become a doctor
and changed majors and his Taiwanese family accepted it. He got into health policy. He has a top paying job in Atlanta . Another went to the US Air Force Academy and she graduated the very top of her class and she is in Physician Assistant school in Texas all payed or by the US Air Force.
So I see success stories among Asian children who were forced to do summer study. The disfunction of OP’s father
may not be healthy though. Where is the mother in this? She must have an opinion about whats going on.
So I just came back from opening my first ever bank account today. That’s good news, right? I’m learning to save my money. That should be a sign of maturity and responsibility, if not just being careful with my pocket change.
But here’s the thing. He asked me to review biology with him again today, which I did make notes for. But that doesn’t change the fact that he has a temper issue and could explode the second any part of our “perfect” plan falls apart. I told him upfront that he has a temper problem and that I’d like to review with my mother today, just as a change of pace. I even offered him an alternative and asked if he wanted to see how much I picked up from the chapter, he could just look at my comprehensive notes (complete with rough illustrations).
He laughed it off. And he had this to say: “If you have notes, why don’t we just keep doing it the old-fashioned way? I can’t trust you to pull through your grades on your own. You’ll just get C’s.” Then he reminded me for the 100th time that I peaked in freshman year and have been steadily declining ever since (probably because I’ve been bulking up on APs, but he never points that out.
He ended with this: “Unless I know everything of what’s going on, you have not shown any signs of maturity.”
He says this, despite the fact the we all decided I should get a bank account. Not just him. And despite the fact that we followed through on our plan to renew my expired driver’s license.
Even as we were driving to set up my bank account, he jokingly-but-not-really said that becoming a doctor was my “destiny” and that I “could not fight that.”
So in all, no compromises, no progress, and no more independence than before.
He can’t have absolutely everything go his way. He shouldn’t. Life isn’t that generous. He’s not keen on letting his chains off any time soon. It just leaves me frustrated knowing I said something but suitable action doesn’t follow. He really is as old-fashioned as parents come.
@AsadFarooqui. suitable action may never follow. Expect that it probably will not. You will feel less frustrated if you don’t expect it. That’s not to say that asserting your own opinions has no value, though…it does. It helps you to assert to yourself what your own values are. The goal, for you, I think, is to identify small (maybe very small at this point) areas of your own life that you CAN control. Right now, that may only be your own attitude and the promise to yourself that you will get out from under his thumb eventually.
Don’t let yourself become a person who is thirty or forty years old and still doing his bidding. At the very least, by the fact that you have to use such patience and forbearance with him now, he’s inadvertently teaching you the self-control that HE doesn’t seem to have. Bide your time and one day you will be able to be self-supporting and you can decide not to be controlled by him. When that time comes, don’t waste your energy debating with him whether your decisions are right or wrong or whether you have the right to make them. Get to a point of strength in your life where you can say “Dad, thanks for everything you’ve done for me. You had a chance to live life your way, and now that I’m an adult, I’m living my life my way. You may be right that my way will prove to be a mistake or you may be wrong but I’m taking responsibility for my own life.” And do it without a shred of guilt.
If you have children, you can decide to be a different sort of father.
Here is a support group for families of people with mental health issues, which I believe your father has, as he uses money and guilt to control every aspect of your life. If you can’t attend their meetings, they still might be able to help you somehow.
I think everyone on CC wants to help you, but it is hard since we don’t have a grasp of what YOU want to study and what YOU want to do with your life. Having your own bank account and a drivers license is a good start. Are you moving away for college next month or next year?
I am honestly concerned for your younger brother as well.
What some aren’t understanding is that the OP is living by western values his father is still living in whatever country values he came from. The mother is subservient to the father. The OP can do a few things. If the pastor etc is not old school then this is one person to talk with. If he is old school it will be swept under the rug per se. I am assuming that someone else in your family circle is a doctor or professional that is American, and that you can trust? Aunt, uncle, cousin? Show them this thread and get help. Do not come home on the weekend’s. They just want to control you. You can always have group homework BTW…at school … I would get a small job at school so you have your own money. Something tells me with an account they control you will be questioned for everything you buy. My kids have a credit-card and yes we can see the purchases but we don’t question every coffee or snack they get. We do discuss staying within a budget and once in a while joke about how many times they had coffee or something but that’s usually around tests etc. But they also work and contribute.
Do not go into medicine if you don’t love to help people with a passion or you want to do research. Many go into engineering then go into medicine as an example. Many go into research. I don’t think your dad defined a certain doctor type or did he pick that out for you also?
Let dad know you will end up working for a hospital and feel stuck like so many doctors that I know. It’s much harder to pay off debt. Many professions can’t make a living like pediatrics, general medicine and internal medicine. Government restrictions are taking away the ability to practice medicine and with all the so called improvements, quality of medicine is declining… And I haven’t even started on the bad stuff… Lol…
You need to to let your parents know you are not studying with them anymore. You need a mental break. You can always show this to an adult you trust or if worse then the police. It would be better if you don’t have distrust or broken honor from your father but his mind is still in his old world country.
What’s going to happen when you start college? Is he going to insist on being in your face about every class, every assignment, every test? Will he track you via your cellphone?
The OP will have the ability to see a social worker /psychologist at school for help to deal with all of this. You are paying for school and these are just somethings you have at your disposal.
@knowstuff, I think most of us posting do realize the clash of cultures that is complicating this situation…so it’s not just a matter of OP being able to push back in the way a mainstream American young person might. I also think that it’s not a simple matter for the father to be counseled by an American mentor that he respects…father may feel that’s a deeply humiliating situation and refuse to even meet with someone. Father may feel that mainstream American culture is fine for mainstream Americans but not right for HIS family. I mean, even if you moved to Pakistan for any reason) would you take advice on how to raise your child/relate to your grown child from a Pakistani co-worker or friend with a very different cultural mindset ?
I doubt OP is in a position to simply tell his dad he wants to study by himself, or not study medicine, or to go further away to school. He probably has tried all these things. I believe he’s nineteen and a legal adult and can’t go to child protective services. Unless he is physically assaulted I don’t believe the police can do anything. But as long as OP depends at all on his parents for any financial backing he may very well have to play within his father’s rules. He would have to be prepared to leave the house, be totally self-supporting, and either give up the idea of full-time college or get a complete full ride somewhere.
@inthegarden totally understand. Just frustrating to read. Just hoping maybe another adult could talk some sense into the father. But he could also go into another field of choice as a precursor to getting into medicine and and hopefully just do that. We don’t need more people going into medicine that don’t wish to be there
@knowsstuff, I agree it’s frustrating. I hope OP can/will convince his dad his chosen major (whatever that will be) is fine for pre-med…then, when he has a bachelor’s degree under his belt he can be self-supporting no matter what direction he takes. He can do pre-med courses to appease his dad (who, after all will be paying for college), and that would be no loss in he end.
Sorry I haven’t been on lately. I’ve been ordered by my dad to read one chapter a day from our biology textbook we got in the mail. These chapters can range anywhere from 15 pages to 30 pages. And I have to make notes for him to prove that I did it.
At least I got a 3 on the AP Bio exam. Too bad I can’t claim the credit for pre-med at my university anyway, so it’s like I never took the test.
Asad, you are an adult. You need to decide which of the available options you wish to pursue. Not what you wish your choices were, but what they are. You can continue on your current path, recognizing your father is unlikely to change. You can attempt to find a college that will offer you a free ride, so that you are not dependent upon him. You could join the military or Americorps, and receive deferred educational benefits upon completion of your service. You can even try several of these options, or others you may think of. The choice is yours to make.
Asad, I really feel for you. I’m not really sure what your best path forward is, but you do have some options. I’ll tell you up front that I am a western (Caucasian) mom, although I have a number of friends who grew up in more traditional cultures (mostly Chinese rather than Pakistani though) who are navigating the line of how hard to push their own kids (and I feel it as well, although my baseline is nowhere near your dad’s).
So that said, I’m going to be blunt and say that I feel like from what you’ve told us your dad is way over the line from strict to abusive. A strict parent might give their minor child summer hw, or quiz them ahead of their tests, or strongly encourage them to choose a STEM major. But our job as parents is to raise functional adults. You are over 18… that means you are an adult in most ways in the US. At this point your parents should be transitioning from being ‘the boss’ to being your consultants or guidance counselors. And it sounds like your dad is still treating you like you are 12. It’s hard because on the one hand, he probably just wants for you to be successful. But on the other hand, he’s not listening to what you want, and it’s ultimately YOUR life now, not his. And does he want you to be a doctor because he thinks it’s a great profession for YOU, or because he just wants to be able to brag about his son, the doctor?
So like I said, you have some options. It sounds like your parents are well off, at least, enough to finance your education, and very controlling. So your options right now are to either play along at a minimum level, or leave and figure things out on your own. That might sound really really scary, and I’m not saying do that immediately. But I am worried about your mental health, honestly, and I would encourage you to think of a backup plan for your life that doesn’t require your dad’s permission. It might mean crashing on a friend’s couch for a couple of months and working at McDonald’s for a couple of years while you figure everything out.
I’m not saying that’s the best plan. The best plan for you might indeed be playing along with your dad’s plan for your life for now. But… I want you to have realistic options that you’ve thought through. I’m wondering if there’s a way you can get in to see a counselor at your school to talk things over without your parents knowing about it (I can’t remember if you said if the college you are going to is in your hometown or if you’ll be living at home in the fall or not). Maybe if there’s a desi club (am I using that right?) at your college you can get some insight about just how extreme your dad’s behavior is in the context of his cultural background.
Anyway… I’ve been thinking about you. I hope you can find a path forward that brings you happiness.