I’m asking in this forum because I guess I want to hear other parents’ perspectives on a disagreement I’m having with my own parents. Sorry in advance for the length!
I’m 21 and finishing up my junior year. My parents are HUGELY financially supportive (although I will note that 1. they can very much afford to be and 2. I am an only child) and this summer I’ve been deciding between internships in two different places. One is in Chicago, one is in San Francisco, and both are relevant to my studies. My parents have offered to pay 75% of my housing/transportation costs.
I missed a deadline for Chicago and had been leading toward SF all along, so I decided on that, and I told them last night. It turns out they had decided they wanted me to do Chicago because they thought the internship looked better and was more relevant to my studies, so they would have paid the remainder of my costs. Although they denied it, I definitely suspect that the fact that they’re conservative and religious has at least a little to do with why they would rather I not go to San Francisco.
I essentially told them this: I appreciate how much they’re paying for me either way (whether it’s 75% or 100%) but the fact that they decided to only provide extra financial support for one and not the other because they think it’s a more interesting and relevant program (when I already explained to them how both are super relevant to my studies) makes it seem like they don’t entirely trust my opinion and judgment on this matter, when I’m the one who’s going to be heading alone to a new city this summer.
Now I’m wondering if this is selfish or ungrateful of me? I was more than appreciative of their offer to pay 75% and made my decision assuming the costs would be the same either way. Now after committing to SF, I’m finding out I could be saving $1,000+ by going to Chicago, simply because my parents decided one program would be better for me than the other. Am I being selfish about this or do I have the right to be a little upset?
I see what you’re saying but this isn’t the hill I’d die on. Pick your battles.
If they told you that information up front, you could have said that they’re trying to “buy you off” by making one option more attractive financially.
They are paying, and as your parents they have the right to have an opinion. They didn’t force you to choose Chicago so I don’t think they are being terribly unreasonable.
"Now I’m wondering if this is selfish or ungrateful of me? "
Yes.
And if you really feel insulted and upset, feel free to pay for it all yourself. And don’t miss deadlines. Adulting is full – just FULL – of opportunities to feel insulted and upset. It is a long, unpleasant life ahead if you can’t just embrace what you have, instead of finding ways to be annoyed by what you do not. You had not one, but two internship opportunities and a way to pay for them both, both in vital, vibrant cities? And you are complaining why?
If the SF internship is relevant to your studies and future career, and will look good on your resume, then the extra $1000 you spend will not matter in the long run. Own your choice, work hard, and have fun.
@suzy100 The OP’s parents are paying 75% of either internship, but when they heard OP chose SF, they mentioned that they would have preferred Chicago. They didn’t go back on their word.
Hmm, parent of current college student who is also pounding the internship trail. As hard as it is for parents to separate our views, and our desires, from our kids’, I think that career choices really is a time when parents can contribute their views based on experience in the workplace etc., then step back and let the student decide. Like the college choice, this is not the life we are living, it is the student’s. I would hope that, if we had been in the position to fully subsidize two great choices, we would have expressed our views on pros and cons and let our student decide which made the most sense to them. I wouldn’t want to attach a price tag preference to the choice. We have had to consider something similar recently, as our college student is changing course somewhat. It made us realize how invested we were in one version of his future, and that we need to let him weigh his choices based on his needs, strengths, interests etc. We made our 20something choices a long time ago, now its his turn.
So, I think a respectful conversation, listening to views and then being afforded the ability to make the right choice for you, is reasonable and appropriate. Be careful of self-sabotage, with missing the Chicago deadline, for several reasons. If you feel the only way you can “talk back” to your parents is through that kind of action, rather than address it head on, it’s just not going to get easier in the future and you might want to work on a more straightforward communication dynamic. Also, I’m a big fan of choices – so keeping avenues open until you pick, rather than have only one option available because you chose to close off another one, is preferable.
Doesn’t matter since you missed the deadline, stop thinking about it. If you were a jerk to your parents, apologize. We see way worse behavior by parents (by the way, I did not cover any of my kids’ internship expenses, even if they were unpaid, it was on them). Be glad your parents are footing most of your bills.
Yes, I think you’re being selfish and ungrateful and childish.
You are not entitled to your parents helping you at all. But you’re annoyed that they have an opinion and would choose to invest more of their $ in an option they felt was a better deal/experience? Grow up.
Sounds to me like you decided on SF by missing the Chicago deadline. Not sure why they bothered to tell you they would have funded 100% of Chicago at this point, other than if there is a way for you to still do Chicago, and they’re trying to influence you to bother to follow through and do it. Should you be annoyed at them for that? Nope. They have their opinion about what would be best for you, and as your parents, whether you can see it or agree with them or not, they deserve at least your respect and honest consideration of their opinion and reasoning. Then if you choose to make a different choice, then make that different choice as an adult … which means without ire that they preferred one over the other and would choose to invest more in one over the other.
If they had initially promised to fund 100% for both and then cut the one they didn’t prefer down to 75%, I’d think you had a legitimate complaint. However, I see nothing wrong with them providing an incentive for you to consider their choice. It’s their money, and you can easily decline and go with your choice. They’re still providing what they said they would for your choice. Be grateful that you have the opportunity.
Given that you were relying so heavily on them for funding, you should have at least told them about the decision you were going to make ahead of time.
Like your parents, we can afford to pay for our college kids’ internships. But we don’t. We told them they had to find their own funding. Many of us parents don’t pay for our kids’ internships and summer academic programs precisely because we don’t want to continue to spoil our overprivileged children.
Parent back again-- I’m struggling to understand the view that he is being selfish. From what he described, he was making a decision based on his view of career goals, and then parents said, they preferred Chicago and would have paid all of that. OP was asking if making his own career choice, as a junior in college, was reasonable. It didn’t sound like he acted in anger, throwing a fit demanding full payment, or anything like that. I read it that he thought he should have the latitude to make his own career decision, rather than be expected to defer to his parents’ preference. All that sounds appropriate and mature to me.
I agree that some came down a little harsh on the OP.
However, imagine if the OP had written, “My parents said up front that they’d pay 100% to go to Chicago and only 75% to go to SF.” I imagine OP would be all righteous that they were trying to use their purse strings to make him do what they want. So, I feel a bit for the parents and think OP should just be glad that they let him choose AND are paying the bulk of the bills.
OP is asking a valid question and to be frank, I agree that parents can advise but can’t make his decisions for him.
That being said, they are doing a favor and when you accept their money, you accept that they get to influence you with what they consider is good for you. You aren’t a truly independent person and they are kind enough to keep sporting you, even when in their eyes, you aren’t making the best decision. If not as parents then as your financial sponsors, they have every right to make sure that you are investing their money in right stocks.
Even if they can afford to give it to you, there are so many fun things they can do their money or just invest it for a better return. Be thankful and show your gratitude.