Help! It feels like my relationship with my parents is being ruined by choosing a college and a maj

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi! This is my first post on CC, but I've been reading the boards for a while. The parents on here always seem to be friendly, level-headed, voices of experience and good advice, so I was hoping you guys could be so kind as to give me some insight or commentary or just listening sort of sympathetically to my whining is fine too!</p>

<p>My parents and I are having pretty serious arguments about where I should go for college, what my major should be, and how all of this stuff should be decided. I got into UChicago and Berkeley, two schools that I really like and am really happy about. Berkeley is cheaper b/c I’m instate, but I’ve been in love with Chicago for the longest time. The problem is, my parents think that I should only go to the U of C if I major in Economics, their top program. Which would be perfectly reasonable if I liked Econ the slightest bit, which I don’t. I also happen to dislike chemistry, math, and physics and my personality doesn’t agree with law or business. The thought of me going into medicine is pretty hilarious. I happen to like art and literature and psychology and will be majoring in history. This, to my parents is a sure road to homelessness. In fact, they have a ARSENAL of anecdotes gleaned from their acquaintances about people who pursued their not-as-practical-as-they-could-be-majors and failed: a music major who had to resort to becoming a basement-digger, a Champaign journalism grad that now works for a dinky small town newspaper, a history major from Northwestern who wasted her life until she went back to school and got an MBA, etc, etc, etc. </p>

<p>I want to go to college to explore my many “useless” interests and broaden my horizons, a.k.a. not thinking at all about my future in my parents’ POV. Chicago seems more like the college designed for this than Berkeley, though I am fond of both. To tell the truth, I don’t even think I’ll stick with History! I’ll probably eventually gravitate towards something more suited to the job-market but isn’t totally soul-sucking or I’ll go to graduate school to find something like that on my own. My parents want me to get on the pre-professional path ASAP though. I respect that they’re just looking out for my welfare and do think that they should have a say in this process seeing as they are the ones funding my tuition, but I think they're going too far. They’re both scientists whose interests happen to be more marketable. They must be cursing the recessive genes now! If it were up to them I’d study pharmacy or go to Haas in Cal. The horror! I do pretty well even in the subjects I don’t like (not to be egotistical, but this is why my parents are pushing the Econ thing so hard), but it’d be agonizing and horrible to devote four years to those subjects, let alone the rest of my life. When I told my mom and dad that I’d probably start off as a history major whether I went to Cal or Chicago, they just seemed horribly disappointed in how wasteful and narrowmindedly idealistic I’m being. </p>

<p>Okay, so after that staggering amount of background information, here’s the most recent Big Problem. Chicago has overnight visits on my spring break. My parents wouldn't let me reserve a spot until RD came out just in case it overlapped with other visits since I already visited Chicago over the summer. My friend who also is also choosing between these two schools (she likes and is majoring in Econ so no dilemma for her :p ) is going to this visit and wanted me to go along. At first I told her no, even though I wanted to, because of the summer visit and my parents’ opposition to Chicago. After Cal came out, I was surprised and overjoyed that they actually seemed to see Cal and Chicago, as equal choices, whereas they had previously said there was a 70% chance I had to go the Berkeley if I got into both schools. I thought we were finally seeing eye to eye! With their approval I bought plane tickets to the Chicago visit with my friend last night. Well, it turns out that they had thought I had given into being an Econ major and therefore were fine with my Chicago-love, whereas I had thought they had resigned themselves to the fact that I was leaning towards History. In light of this fact, my mother is now implying that I have to go to Berkeley and do something useful, end of discussion! I'm sure I’d love going to Berkeley, but seemingly not having a choice at all makes me resent this whole thing so much! The more they push, they more I just want to major in something like Anthropology and American Studies at Chicago. They tried to cancel the trip, but the tickets I got through Travelocity are nonrefundable! I think my mother wants to just throw away $240 and cancel it anyway. If I had been born finding colliding molecules and shifting aggregate supply curves fascinating, life would be so much easier. </p>

<p>I’m confused and frustrated and not a little bitter. I need an outsiders point of view. Am I being spoiled and immature? Are my parents being as infuriatingly controlling as I perceive them to be? Is it both? How do I talk to them and what should I do???</p>

<p>Thank you to anyone who bore with me during my extremely long-winded ranting! This might seem a bit trivial to you guys, but it feels like the world is ending over here. :)</p>

2

<p>I know it's a short reply to a very long (and heartfelt) post, but your parents have to, at some point in time, answer the question -</p>

<p>Whose life is it?</p>

<p>Once you all agree that it's YOUR life, I think you can start a reasonable discussion about how much support they want to and will give you in assisting with YOUR decisions. They don't HAVE to pay for your college anywhere. But it sounds like they love you (even if they're a bit overprotective), so I am hoping you can all work out something reasonable.</p>

<p>All the best - you sound like you have a wonderful attitude towards life and towards college. With that attitude, you should do great wherever you go.</p>

3

<p>Minor in econ.</p>

<p>After having read Freakonomics, I think there is a lot of social science/anthropology in econ anyway.</p>

4

<p>I feel badly that this is going on for you. Honestly my way of thinking is not your parents' way but they are your parents. I did not care which colleges my kids chose and gave them no restrictions or preferences. Same with college majors. I only want them to study whatever they pick. I feel it will all work out in the end. </p>

<p>But we are talking about YOUR parents. First, two issues are going on...which college and which major. There is no commitment that is needed right now on a major (unless you were entering a certain program like engineering or a BFA for example, and you are not). You can explain that you truly are uncertain of your major and that college is about figuring out your major and eventual direction in life/career. Undecided is the most common major. Don't even say you plan to major in history. In fact, even you admit you may not. That ends that discussion. Say you are honestly unsure so for now, you want to pick the college that meets your other college criteria (things like size, location, atmosphere, etc. etc) and that you know that both offer an array of college majors and that eventually you will figure out your direction. It is YOUR life. You need to explain that. You can tell them you appreciate their advice and that you know they have your best interests at heart. Even with liberal arts majors, many go on for professional degrees in graduate school. Get statistics if you need about the graduates of these colleges and what they go on to do. The college major doesn't define you. You don't even know truly what you want to go into. You could tell them you are gonna major in economics even (just as likely as history, ya know) and then once there, see how it goes and major in what you want when you get to that point and have long range goals in mind. You can even discuss possible long range goals now with your parents. You could even say that being a historian is not your career goal but that you want to study something you are interested in and that you do have goals for a career and when you figure out a direction, you will be sure to take the steps necessary to reach those goals. Maybe that will be graduate school as an example. </p>

<p>Right now, I'd focus on the college and try to put the discussion of which major on the back burner. Tell them you are unsure of a major and that is not going to change no matter where you go. I'm not into dishonesty but you can say you'll consider Econ and just go to UChicago (if YOU want) and take it one step at a time...study what you want....explain your long range plan once you have figured that out and matured and been in a college for a year or two. </p>

<p>Susan</p>

5

<p>Do you have to declare a major before you enroll? The glory of most of these smaller private schools is that you take from a distribution of classes (and a core at U chicago?), then figure out what you are most interested in and declare a major later. Go visit U of Chicago, since you have tickets. Try not to argue with the parents. Agree to take an economics class. Most students change majors. Once you are enrolled and attending U of C, your parents may come around to your choice of majors - and you may find that you like economics enough to double major in it and history (or anthropology, or English, or who knows what).</p>

6

<p>Glad my kid wouldn't major in econ. at Chicago! Ugh!</p>

<p>Anyhow, get your mom a copy of Marshall Sahlins' "Stone-Age Economics" - one of the most famous books to come out of Chicago in the past 40 years. Sahlins teaches in the anthropology department. (It puts forth the notion that we all work too hard! ;))</p>

7

<p>
[quote]
I do pretty well even in the subjects I don’t like (not to be egotistical, but this is why my parents are pushing the Econ thing so hard), but it’d be agonizing and horrible to devote four years to those subjects, let alone the rest of my life.

[/quote]

Do your parents KNOW you feel this way? I can't imagine they'd force you to choose a major that would make you so unhappy. In my experience, parents often have unreasonable expectations regarding majors and colleges that just seem to evaporate once the student is enrolled and happy. cangel's idea is worth thinking about - it might be a good compromise.</p>

<p>Is there someone in your parents' circle of family and friends that you could enlist as an ally - someone who majored in their first academic love and managed to eke out a respectable living anyway? I'm thinking this person could talk to your parents on your behalf. I know that if my child asked an acquaintance to speak to me about ANY issue, it would bring me up short and make me realize that I hadn't been listening.</p>

<p>Best of luck. You write very well and I hope you wind up where you want, doing what you want.</p>

8

<p>Are your parents academics? </p>

<p>I know some parents like this. They are both super professors at top universities in medicine. They visibly croak when their gifted son says he want to go to business school. It's kinda fun to watch.</p>

<p>Cukes, you must learn the art of APON, ie ain't puttin' out nothin'. At this point, simply be seen to agree with positive statements your parents make about the value of a economics degree--then sign up for the subject that thrills you. Your parents aren't going to be watching register for classes.</p>

<p>If ti's any comfort, many CC kids complain about overcontrolling parents. Quite a few of these nutty parents seem to come to their senses when faced with reality. Thank goodness!</p>

<p>Have fun at Chicago!</p>

9

<p>cucumber,
It is your life, and they know that. Unfortunately, they haven't accepted it yet. It's hard for parents to let go, and it seems like you're being very reasonable about it.
Fortunately, you don't have to pick a major yet as far as the colleges are concerned, is that right? I don't think you said what you had put down for Berkeley.
Probably the best thing to do at this point is to tell them you want to keep an open mind, look at Chicago with the POSSIBILITY of an econ major, and go with your friend. You will then go with their blessing, you can check it out once and for all and see if it's the school for you . You wouldn't need to choose a major until your sophomore year at UChicaago, and by then you will have a clearer idea of what you want to do. You will also be an adult. You will have lived for two years away from home, you will have matured, and if you find your passion, your parents will come around. I really believe this.
If on the other hand, you don't like Chicago, you can try the same approach at Berkeley.
Your parents really need to know that for business, the common route is undergrad school (major not important) and then business school. Same for medicine and law. Your undergrad major really only matters if you plan to get phd, as it should be a related field, but even then,, there's a surprising amount of leeway.
Undergrad years are for exploring and finding yourself and your path. But right now, you need to pick a school. Don't let the whole "major argument" get in the way of that decision. Let it go - tell them you'll consider econ, you';; consider anything at this point. </p>

<p>Good luck,dear. Something tells me you have much to look forward to and you'll be successful wherever you end up.</p>

10

<p>So, are they okay with a history major at Berkeley, but not Chicago?</p>

11

<p>cangel is brilliant.</p>

<p>I bow down to that elegant solution.</p>

12

<p>Not too many years ago, I attended a Columbia prospective weekend (as a parent), and sat in on a presentation by a prof who made it his priority to remind us all that deciding on a college was the responsibility of the student. Yes, parents may end up paying for some or all of the bill, but the student will live with this decision for the rest of his/her life. As I recall, he made the point by asking us if we really wanted to take that responsibility and be held accountable by our child a decade or two later.</p>

<p>This was kind of a wakeup call, and I'm not sure all of the "I'm paying, so I get the final say" parents bought it. I do believe it's true, though. I think parents can advise, share their wisdom and experience, and establish a budget... but the student should decide.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

13

<p>By the way, welcome out of lurkerdom, cucumber! Glad to see you posting!</p>

14

<p>I agree with most of the above posts. It is ultimately your life and you are the one who will live with the regrets. As parents, my husband and I have agreed to fund our children's educations and as long as they take their studies seriously and perform to the best of their abilities we will continue to pay their expenses--but their area of study is up to them.</p>

<p>My D. is majoring in equine science. Do I believe that major is going to offer her the best job opportunities--no, but that was her love. My daughter-in-law started her schooling at Chapel Hill in Math/French planning on pre-law (encouraged strongly by her parents), she changed to business (did one year of business school and hated it), changed to another major and finally after doing an elective in anthropology, found her passion in that area--she is now teaching, which she enjoys tremendously.</p>

<p>College is the time to explore your interests, follow your dreams and set and redefine your goals. I know your parents only want what is best for you, but if you discuss these issues rationally my guess is that they will respond rationally.</p>

<p>Good luck, I wish the best for you!</p>

15

<p>Cuke,
my hubby started as a philosophy major ....I forget what was # 2 on his list for a while before ultimately ending up getting his degree in Econ...then law school..... I started as a math major....couldn't understand most of the math professors at my school and ended up with a major of psych minor in speech and another minor in educational psychology. I never wanted to teach but I loved learning about learning. My favorite college course was actually 3 mini-courses... 1 credit each on Behavior, Intelligence and Creativity. </p>

<p>Both Berkeley and UoC are GREAT schools where you will have a chance to exercise your brain. The key here is to do as Soozie says and study and learn......sit in on a class or two if you can during your visit.....to both schools. I think the core curriculum at Chicago is something your parents would value if presented properly??</p>

<p>The only other input I have for your consideration is if you intend to live in CA when all is said and done, you have a greater chance of seeing your college friends if you go to Berkeley.....I am a transplant to Maine and sometimes I envy my friends from here because they "know" so many more people here. I moved here after college....most of my college friends remained in NY state.....so, it has always meant a little more effort to build a "home" here....if in fact you know you want to live in CA when done, then help your parents understand that this is your window of opportunity to expand your horizon......that it is your intent to come "back" to them at the end of the 4 yr experience.....</p>

16

<p>Thank you all so much for taking the time to give such kind input!</p>

<p>Agh! I just came back from dinner and I squirmed so much through it! My dad reiterated that I was choosing to pay a "hefty price" for willfully ignoring their life experience and my mother commented indirectly that I was disobedient and angering her on purpose. I wish they gave me as much space as you all give your children! I realize my descriptions may portray my parents as bordering on tyrannical, but at the same time I feel really bad for vexing them so much and can see where they’re coming from. They’re first generation immigrants (and I suppose I am too, though I came to the US at age 1) and place a lot of stock on stability. Plus, my the investors in dad’s company recently withdrew support and my mom’s company is going through restructuring and layoff rounds next week. So, I know this is an incredibly stressful time for them. I suppose making sure I have good job prospects seems extra important to them right now and the whole “it’s my life, not my parents’” thing, not is not as much. </p>

<p>


</p>

<p>Oh awesome, a fellow Freakonomics enthusiast! I read it over last summer and was super excited for Econ AP senior year. Lo and behold, no analysis of cheating in schools or ethnic baby naming, just sleep-inducing yen depreciation and Keynesian crosses. I’m crossing my fingers that college is different! Hmmm…minoring econ. Interesting!</p>

<p>


</p>

<p>That’s excellent advice, and believe me, I’ve tried the “let’s discuss this at the end of my sophomore year” approach as recently as today! Somehow this whole mess insists on reemerging anyway. L I don’t even know how it happens, but it seems completely unavoidable at the moment.</p>

<p>


</p>

<p>Just a few hours ago I wailed, “But I haaaate Econ!” Maybe I’ll approach it more… reservedly next time. Haha! Also, just a few hours ago I was talking to a Chicago graduate on the phone about my predicament and he said that some of his friends who had majored in philosophy and econ and art were working on Wall Street with him. Of course I immediately relayed this exciting news to my mom, who counterattacked with the aforementioned journalism major story. Sigh. We seem pretty set in our respective beliefs. </p>

<p>Cheers, I want super professor parents! Ironically, one of my dad’s dream jobs when he was my age was a professor. But of physics. Ugh. AT 18, my mother wanted to be a fashion designer (!), but didn’t have the resources, but at the present doesn’t seem to have much empathy for my history attatchment anyway lol! The agree noncommittally now, register for deliciously frivolous classes later option seems very appealing right now, but I feel rather guilty for going “Surprise! Look at what I’m actually using your hard-earned money for!”</p>

<p>ASAP, I totally agree with absolutely everything you said and am really counting on it working out that way. I applied to Berkeley as a History major as well, which my parents are still not thrilled about, but to a lesser degree. Because Berkeley is a public school and offers more security in the form of name-recognition I suppose.</p>

<p>Thank you all again for your reassurances and advice! I’ll definitely have some more to think about before the time I have to wrangle with this.</p>

17

<p>cuke,
My parents were exactly like your parents when I went to college (yes, back when the dinosaurs walked the halls). There was only one college they would let me attend. Period. And I still had to pay for most of it. When I enrolled, they insisted on a particular major (because they were convinced that it was the ONLY major with which a kid could get into med school). So, I said, yeah, yeah, yah-da-yah-da, and went off to college. And by the end of my sophomore year when I had to declare, was in a TOTALLY different major. By this time, although they grumbled, they didn't pull me out of college. And I got into med school anyway (though they still declared that they didn't understand my choice of major on my graduation day). Oh, by the way, this didn't stop when I chose a specialty to do a residency in when I was graduating from med school. My parents (and my husband's parents, for that matter) absolutely believed that the only specialty that a "real" doctor" would undertake was surgery. Neither of us did a surgical residency. On med school graduation day, my mother said "I'm still disappointed you didn't go into surgery." My husband's mother (he was an OB GYN) told all of her friends that he was "really" a surgeon"...Gyn doctors operate, too!! When I completed my fellowship in cardiology, I still hadn't redeemed myself in my mother's eyes...until 5 years later when I diagnosed my own father's heart attack over the phone when his doctor missed it.</p>

<p>So, take home message: go to the college you want. Nod your head up and down if they ask if you plan to major in Econ. Then go there, take the core, and figure out what you want to do. I bet dollars to donuts that they won't pull you out if you change your major. </p>

<p>Good luck!!</p>

18

<p>Your detail about your parents job concerns explains a lot - I can only imagine how I would feel sending a child off to college and having uncertainty about my job!</p>

<p>You have gotten some great ideas - my advice was a little flippant, but I stand by it.</p>

<p>Give some consideration to the notion that there is wisdom in what your parents are saying - think about that, and incorporate it into your decisions. For example, it is a good idea to have a contingency plan (that's part of the minor in econ), if you are like most of our children, you have no real idea what it is like to need to support yourself, having a fallback plan is not a bad idea at all. Secondly, econ is a major strength of Chicago, and you should be exposed to it - is it presented in the core? In what way?
Remember that every discipline has its "weed-out" course filled with mind-numbing detail. Making it through that class, learning something and maintaining fascination with the subject is part of what separates a dabbling interest developed when reading a lay audience book like Freakonomics, from true knowledge leading to a career. </p>

<p>Best of luck to you.</p>

19

<p>I am a parent, and I understand your parents fears for your future. However, I think it all works out in the end. Study what you love, your grades will be good to great. After graduation get a job that you like, or in an industry which you like, even if it is low pay entry, do this for two years. Then go to graduate school for the more focused job market skills.</p>

20

<p>Cucumber: Your parents are first generation and are professionals who are employed in industry.</p>

<p>Well, their struggles and fears belong legitimately to their lives. They did not have the benefit of growing up in our society with all the opportunities etc.</p>

<p>They are afraid, because their struggles have given them this fear. I am afraid that you and your parents are in a conversation that has no realistic connection.</p>

<p>From your background in the early 21th century America and their background in 20th century (my guess is either India or China/Taiwan) there is no comparable experience.</p>

<p>Many of my D's friends have first generation parents from India and China/Taiwan, our school has a population of about 35% from an India/Taiwan/China ancestrial homeland and almost all their parents are first generation professionals.</p>

<p>I do admire your intelligent comments and appreciate your problem. In this situation you have two rights and no one is wrong, primarially because each 'side' is being true to their understanding and/or fears.</p>

<p>Most probably there is the fact that each of your parents were raised in a home where their parents word was 'gospel' and therefore they conformed and voila they have lead successful lives. They are probably puzzled as to why you have not reacted to their advise as they undoubtedly did to their parents' advise.</p>

<p>You must find a way to have them trust YOU, because I must tell you it is clear that they do not trust the 21st century where that you are going to spend the rest of your life.</p>

<p>Basically, you must convince them that your first year at either college will be spent exploring and considering the future paths. Then after one or two years at your college, between the department advisors and the career center advisors, your parents might be exposed to mature advisors that might help them see your path and prospects in a better light.</p>

<p>Good luck, you sound like a very nice and bright young lady.</p>