I am currently in last quarter of my first year at UCSC, and am planning to go with my girlfriend to Chicago this summer for volunteer opportunities at university hospitals and medical centers there. She obtained a research opportunity at UChicago. We would be spending 8 weeks there on our own, working and experiencing the city. However, my parents have taken a stubborn stance against this, saying that I am too young (I am coming up on 19 years old in May), unprepared, and subject to failure. My parents, especially my mother, are very traditional, relatively young, and like to keep a hold on me, considering I am their first child out of 4. They haven’t been to college and are unaware of the things I have done to get myself into college and what I do now. I think that they are struggling with the idea of losing power over me…
This concerns me due to the fact I have been a responsible and dedicated individual both at school and outside of it. I excelled in high school through sports and leadership programs, was selected for California’s Boys’ State by my high school, obtained an Air Force ROTC scholarship for college, and am pursuing a Human Bio major (one of the most intensive at UCSC). I am confident in living on my own, as I have been excelling in college myself - nevertheless, I am aware of the difference between living on campus and living in the middle of a big city.
One of my parents’ main reasons on why I should not go is because they believe that I am only going just to be with my girlfriend. Although I do not deny that being with my girlfriend is definitely one of the reasons why I want to go, I have stated other various reasons on why else I want to go. I believe Chicago is a great opportunity for me to grow, excel, and live a new experience - something I may not be able to do while staying home, running errands for my parents, volunteering at a local hospital, and not bringing in an income for myself.
What are your opinions on this? Are my parents justified? Should I not go mainly because of what my parents think?
can you afford to go to Chicago on your own? Do you have a job lined up there that will pay for your
expenses ? If not, then I dont see any reason why your parents should be expected to pay for you to spend the summer there. I certainly would not ok that for my DS after only his first year away to college.
Why not negotiate with your parents for a one- two week visit to your girlfriend.
That may be more acceptable to them, instead of asking them to pay for you to have an 8 week vacation in another city.
they may just want to see you this summer, as it is likely to be the last summer you spend at home.
@thumper1 I will be the one volunteering in the hospitals and working a part time job that I have secured, I will be living in an apartment or shared room etc. with my girlfriend in the medical district of Chicago, I will be the one saving my own money, and having an income is the best option for me considering I have student loans. My girlfriend’s research program grants her a $3500 stipend, as well as her college’s research scholarship that will also cover her living expenses.
I’m trying to think through some reasons why I might have reacted negatively if one of my kids had made a plan like yours. Here are a few things that come to mind:
You might have surprised me. I might have expected you to come home for the summer, and I might be sorry that you plan to go somewhere else because I would miss you. If this was my problem, I would get over it in a week or two.
You might have surprised me in another way. I might not have realized that your relationship with your girlfriend was serious enough for you to want to spend your summer this way. I would get over that, too (but some parents might not).
I might think that the plans you have made in Chicago are not the best use of your time this summer. Perhaps there are more constructive things you might be able to do in another place.
I might be concerned about the financial aspects of your summer plans. You’re going to have to pay rent, and that will probably eat up much (if not all) of your summer earnings. If you earned the same amount while living at home, you would be able to keep a lot more of it.
I might be concerned about the safety of your housing arrangements for both you and your girlfriend. Does her internship provide housing for students who want it? If it does, it’s probably safe housing, but she can’t live there if she’s with you. The two of you are going to have to find a place to live in an unfamiliar city, and Chicago has some really awful neighborhoods. Will you be able to find a place in a safe area that you can afford? That could be a difficult thing to do, especially from far away.
These are just a few thoughts. I don’t know your parents, but their thinking might be running along some of these lines.
You will be having in one but you have student loans? What does that mean?
I’m seriously asking…would the money you have better be spent on your college costs next year? Would it be better for you to work a job and earn money as opposed to spending money to love in Chicago?
These are likely the same questions your parents are asking themselves.
If the finances are not an issue, you have plenty of money for next school year, you don’t need tomearn money this summer, and you can afford to spend your savings…that’s one thing. If not…well that’s another.
Your parents also probably wonder why you can’t do volunteer medical work nearer to your home.
These are all legit questions…and concerns.
Another thing to check…will your health insurance cover you in another state? It might not…if it’s an HMO.
How will you get to Chicago? Drive? Fly? Do,you need a car while you are there?
Are your parents justified in objecting to this plan. Of course. They are parents. They don’t think it is a good plan for YOU. Would the rest of us think the same way if it was one of our kids? I don’t know.
My daughter came home after an internship semester and went to live in a city 4 hours away because her boyfriend lives there. It was a disaster. She had a job but made little money (not enough hours) and ended up coming home about 5 weeks later. By then it was too late to get a job in town. She then went on a vacation. Guess what? No money to go to school in the fall. We scrapped enough together, but she was really hurting all semester. Was I disappointed in her? Yes. Still am.
What bothers me about your plan is the word ‘volunteer.’ You need money. Spending 8 weeks in Chicago may leave you unable to work before you leave or after you come back. A summer without earnings. A summer full of spending with rent, eating, ‘experiences’, travel costs.
Are your parents funding your undergrad education? (or do you qualify for enough need-based aid that you don’t need to rely on parental contributions)?
I’m asking because at age 19 you are legally and adult and don’t need to have parental permission to go to Chicago-- but as long as you are dependent on your parents funds then they obviously do have a way to exert control over you.
Before everyone comes down so hard on the OP, I would ask you: If the gf weren’t in the equation and if he had used the term “internship” instead of “volunteer” would your responses be the same?
Yes. The girlfriend doesn’t bother me at all, it’s that 8 weeks takes a chunk of time for work out of the summer. Girlfriend wasn’t the word that bothered me, volunteer was.
Presumably an internship would pay enough to live there for the summer? “Volunteering and a part time job” raises financial questions that will be important for OP to consider, at least, before going.
OP indicated that he has an ROTC scholarship, so college costs in the fall are not an issue.
Not all internships are paid positions, so assuming an internship will pay for living costs over the summer compared to a part time job may not be valid. The real questions are whether or not the part time job and funding from the gf’s research grant have been secured, and if the volunteer work at the hospital provides real value to the Human Bio degree that the OP is working towards.
My concerns are much more focused on the fact that OP will be living with his gf. This is a huge step for someone just turning 19 and as a parent I would be very concerned. Both parties deserve the opportunities to pursue their dreams and achieve their potential, and trying to maintain this level of a relationship will compete with this.
He said he was volunteering AND working part time and would be supporting himself. I say it’s a great idea/plan, however, as a parent, I would be a little sad if my child wasn’t coming home for the summer if that’s what I was expecting.
It seems like he has a pretty good relationship with his parents as he’s trying to talk this through with us here. It’s hard for him to go against their wishes. But he is an adult now and I would say, continue talking to them about it and hopefully you can come to a mutual understanding.
I think I would be rather heartbroken if my daughter decides not to come home (in a year) after her first year of college. Thank you for giving me that much time to prepare for that possibility!
"My concerns are much more focused on the fact that OP will be living with his gf. This is a huge step for someone just turning 19 and as a parent I would be very concerned. Both parties deserve the opportunities to pursue
their dreams and achieve their potential, and trying to maintain this level of a relationship will compete with this. "
I would agree with this scenario, IF all the expenses of spending 8 weeks together in Chicago are assured.
Then the kid can decide how he wants to spend his summer. Everyone has to leave the nest sooner or later. And as a parent of a Freshman college student, I would have been heartbroken if my DS had told me he wanted to spend the summer away from home.
But then I remembered, I did not spend much time at home after my Freshman year in college, and it worked out fine .
BUT ,and this is a big but, IF the kids cant pay for these 8 weeks together AND his parents are expected to help pay for him wanting to show them that he can operate independently in a big city, then its time to say- sorry honey- we love you, but you’ll have to be able to pay for this summer in Chicago on your own, or its not an option .
In regards to finances: rent, utilities, and travel will all be covered by the money we already have. Working there will just give me an income for food and extra spending. It is true that volunteering at a hospital or interning at a lab will not grant me anything financially, the opportunity to do so is a benefit in itself. I recognize how my parents must feel right now, but they have hardly ever given me the chance to decide on anything for myself other than moving away for college. It must be terribly hard for them to not see me anymore, but I believe that what I want to do cannot be dictated by that. Both my gf and I have large goals and expectations, as I plan to be appointed an officer in the Air Force and she a physician. We would not be blind enough to throw what we’ve worked for and what we plan to do away, nor can we afford to do that.
You are very articulate, and seem unusually mature and responsible. You seem to have thought about all the financial ramiifications of this plan. It seems to me that this summer could potentially be a big step in your development toward adulthood. I would support it, with some discussion.
My son went to San Francisco for an internship the summer after his sophomore year. His Dad flew out with him and checked things out. He had never flown or negotiated moving around in a city and he was alone. Since you are with your gf, this may not be helpful, but perhaps there is some compromise in which you somehow allow your parents to participate, or visit the first week at least
I believe that opportunities that clarify goals and contribute to long term financial stability can sometimes be more helpful than working for short term cash- if that cash is not immediately and desperately needed. My only question is, does volunteering at the hospital contribute to your long term goals? I mean, are you going to be a candy striper and sit at the info desk or deliver flowers? Volunteering in the ER might be good (though better with an EMT or Nursing Assistant license). What exactly are you going to do?
What is your part-time job?
Are you two going to use Craigslist? Perhaps your parents would feel better if you contact U of Chicago or another school in the area and see if dorm rooms are for rent. Does the internship your gf has provide housing for her? Are you allowed to stay there?
Overall II love to see a young person try to broaden him or herself and this sounds like an adventure. We parents have to learn to let go at some point, and you may be wise in helping your parents do that, with this plan.
My mother is 90 and she still thinks I am 20, I swear. Parents tend to keep the image of their kids as quite young Having an independend summer while also accompanied by a trusted gf sounds like a great plan to me, as long as the money end is good and your activities are truly worthwhile.
I would frame this summer as training wheels for the future.
