<p>We’re somewhere in the middle. I filled out the FAFSA, because it was all our information, not his, and it was a pointless exercise anyway, because there was no way we were going to get any need-based aid; some schools still required it even to be considered for merit-based aid. He has done all communicating with the schools; but there have been times I’ve had to nudge/remind/prompt him about deadlines, especially now that he’s juggling end of year senior stuff + get all the necessary stuff for his college of choice submitted. He’s a busy guy – he doesn’t get home from school and practice until after 5 PM and then has hours of homework/AP studying/etc. to complete.</p>
<p>I think a lot of kids are in your position OP. CC tends to attract “helicopter” parents. We help them because we love them, want to reduce their burden, and believe we can obtain better outcomes for our kids by being involved. Admittedly, the underlying implication is that we don’t trust them not to screw it up. And our involvement delays their maturity in some ways. My children handled their applications and manage their own ECs. Our tax situation is complicated, and they have no knowledge of tax matters (other than the govt takes money from their paychecks) so I did the FAFSA (to no avail). With my D, I also kept up with deadlines. Parents who provide financial support for college are probably more involved because their money is at stake. In the end, our assistance provides a more gradual transition into adulthood. Eventually, we wean them and they grow up. My grown up S occasionally seeks my advice, which I view as a positive attribute. It’s a fool who thinks they know everything and won’t seek advice. </p>
<p>Thank you all for your responses! Genuinely enlightening.</p>
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<p>I guess this does make a difference (though, $62000 a year seems excessive… Is the cost of attending a private institution that high now?) If parents are footing the bill of a very expensive endeavor, obviously you don’t want it to be for nothing. I understand that.</p>
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<p>My EFC for all of college has been 0. You can’t assume that lawyers make good money. A lot of them do not. When I was a kid, my dad’s business did very well and we were upper middle class. By the time 2004 hit, my dad had lost 50% of his income in one year, the next he lost another 50%. He did mostly small business and real-estate, as such, he was one of the first to be hit with the downturn of the economy. My mom worked with my dad, so it’s a one-income family even though both of my parents worked. He retired this past June, so the situation is a little different now. We’re still on a much lower end of things, though.</p>
<p>As for law school, my dad went to law school in 1980 and the system has changed greatly since then. The LSAT is completely different. The ability to get a job is different. Law school is more expensive than ever. He also went to my local state school, when I have higher aspirations. While my father can (and has) given me very valuable knowledge about his experience in law school and working as a lawyer, there are still a lot of things that he just doesn’t know, because they’re different. The same for when I applied for college. My dad applied for college in 1966. The requirements for entry, the way one applied for school, and the job market were different.</p>
<p>This isn’t to say that I don’t go to my parents for guidance. I absolutely do. I don’t want to be misleading about that and I’m sorry if I was in my original post. Even just yesterday, I asked my dad to look over a form I had to fill out for my apartment situation for next year. It’s just, for me, I think I tend to ask my parents for lots and lots of advice and guidance… but I take it as that. It’s only advice and I end up being the one to act on it. Either I follow what they suggest or I choose a different path.</p>
<p>For me, I just think it’s interesting to see things from parents perspectives. I get the perspectives of young college students all the time, but never really hear things from the parents. This is something that I have been curious about for a few years, so I am really glad that I asked.</p>
<p>I know that my husband and I do a lot more for our kids than our parents ever did for us. Mostly, it’s because we can. Our parents weren’t in any financial position to have any input into our education or other choices. We’re by no means helicopter parents (we have 4 kids, we couldn’t be helicopters even if we wanted to). However, we did tell our kids the amount we’ll pay for college. Within that framework, we’ll guide them, but we won’t make decisions for them. Our daughter has picked her top two colleges, and I think she’s made the right choices. I probably see her third choice - her true (financial) safety school - differently, but it’s not my choice to make. </p>
<p>As far as dorms or anything else college related goes, if I’m paying the bill, it’s only right that I’d be interested in a decent return on my investment. If your parents are only paying 5% of the total bill, dorm fees would amount to a veritable pittance, so they’re not really invested in your problem other than maybe to say, “talk to housing and see what you can figure out.” On the other hand, if one of my kids were to be having a tough time with a roommate situation, I’m the one personally forking over several thousand dollars for their living quarters, and I’m not doing it so they can live in misery. So I might investigate, if I were to find out there are affordable singles, I’d let my kid know about the option. I guess what I’m saying is that like my own parents weren’t, your parents aren’t holding the purse strings and so their involvement is by circumstances more limited. </p>
<p>Why did I help my sons with their college plans? Maybe because it was overwhelming for them. </p>
<p>My older son was a NMF and we had more than 10 boxes of mail from colleges all over the U.S. and world trying to gain his interest. He was a very busy kid with a part-time job, student body president, captain of the academic team, etc. So he appreciated me going through all the mail, as I had an idea what schools would draw his interest. My younger son also has too much his plate with six AP exams, a part-time job, volunteering with certain groups and track/cross country practice/meets, which is a 20+hour commitment most weeks. </p>
<p>I also did a majority of the college tours, because my husband travels with business. I got to see some lovely campuses, and as a teacher, I even recommended schools to students who express interest in attending college. </p>
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So your parents are not able to help out as much because they are not current or financially able to help out. What if they were able? Wouldn’t you want their help more? Your dad did 3 college visits with you and your mom didn’t do any. Would they have done more if finance permitted? Would you have liked to share the experience with them? I still remember the fun we had visiting schools with both of our girls. </p>
<p>I am in my 50s. I am a hiring manager at a tech company. I know what kind of applicants we look for, I know the latest and greatest technology and the job market. Why wouldn’t I want to pass on my knowledge to my kids. Sorry if I am going to sound a bit unkind, but could the reason your parents are more hands off because they know they couldn’t help out financially, so they are letting you do what you want. (what’s the point of telling you that school X is better than school Y if at the end of day you would need to follow the money?). Don’t get me wrong, I think you are doing great and I can see how you are going to be very independent and capable when you get out of college. But I do wonder if you would be the same with your own kids some day.</p>
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<p>I also will be curious if she’ll be so hands off as a parent if she actually has some skin in the game.</p>
<p>@oldfort </p>
<p>I am in no way able to help DD with college as far a tuition/room & board costs. But that doesn’t mean that I couldn’t be a huge help to her in other areas, I do all of this now so that hopefully she will be in the position to write those checks in 30-40 years. I think there is a bigger burden on parents who haven’t attended college to make sure their offspring get a good start. </p>
<p>And as @momreads pointed out, our kids are terribly busy. So we should be there to help them tie up those loose ends. The college admissions process is a huge monster to tame. If only my mother was more like me 35 years ago. I believe my outcome would have been far different. She didn’t fill out the FAFSA because she didn’t want anyone in her business. Lol </p>
<p>Dear OP, You sound like a marvelous young lady and your parents must be very happy and proud to have you in their life. I think you hit the nail on the head when you asked about “parenting style”. I learned early on that there is no such thing as a perfect parent and the best we can hope for is to be “present” in our children’s lives and do the best we can. When I worked a lot my wife did more, and vice-a-versa. This year she went full-time and asked me to quit my 2nd job to help more around the house. We were also separated for 4months a few years ago, but patched things up and I’m back home. Nothing gives me more joy than doing stuff around the house and caring for my family. Literally, there is nothing else in my life that comes close to drawing my attention. This year I’m giving a leg up for my son, and then off he goes. Next year it will be my daughter’s turn. I witnessed the birth of my children and cut their cords. Nothing in this world is more precious to me. Soon they will be the ones cutting the cords, as it should be. What comes next for me? I don’t know.</p>
<p>I love, love, love the rocket metaphor from @oldfort. The way I’d put it is that my family believes in paying it forward. My parents helped me with college and I’m helping my kids and I hope that they help their kids. </p>
<p>Out of love, I help with menial, mindless tasks if I see my high school student swamped with her rigorous classes and time-consuming EC’s. Packing school lunches, doing laundry, and filling out forms are not difficult jobs requiring a lot of practice and skill, such that my child is going to have any trouble learning to do them independently some day if I do them now. My rule of thumb is, I expect them to take care of all their own stuff whenever they can, but I will lighten their load if they are very busy and I am not as busy. For example, last night I offered to cut out some pictures for a poster D had to make. She did all the academic work herself, of course, but had gotten home very late from an athletic event and had lots of other homework, so I merely wielded the scissors in her place.</p>
<p>In general, I believe that it is my responsibility to safely shepherd my kids to a good college, but once there, they are totally on their own for their decisions and life path. My kids selected their own college courses and dorms, chose their majors, dealt with any college administrative issues, filed their taxes, found internships and summer housing etc. all by themselves. I had almost zero involvement with anything once they left home, unless my opinion or help was requested. It’s not that I was any less willing to help, it’s just that it didn’t make sense anymore. They would know far more about their college situations than I would, and so would likely be in a far better position to handle their own decisions when they don’t live at home. </p>
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<p>I actually preferred going without my parents, for the most part. One of the schools we toured, my dad really didn’t like, and although I was pretty neutral towards it, his dislike really tainted my view of the school. I enjoyed seeing schools, asking my own questions, and coming up with my own opinions on how I personally felt. As far as all of the menial tasks… I just enjoy doing them. It was really exciting for me going off to college. My mother didn’t go to college and she was the only one in her family to even graduate high school, so I really felt like I was accomplishing something and I liked the feeling of doing things on my own.</p>
<p>Anyways, like I said, it’s been very interesting reading all of the variety of thoughts on this! As far as my own parenting one day, I honestly have no idea. It will be interesting to see what happens.</p>
<p>I know you can’t totally generalize, but my friends and I have noticed that often young women are organized and can do more on their own. 17-year-old boys seem to have a lot harder time figuring everything out. I did a LOT for my son. My daughter, at 16, is much more mature and independent (she is studying in Spain this semester). I doubt I’ll have to do much at all for her in her college search.</p>
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<p>But see, that’s already more involved than me and I consider myself an involved parent. I don’t tell my daughter what I think of any school until after she tells me. In fact, I wouldn’t be caught dead at her number 2 school - it’s way too big and overwhelming for me. But she’s not me and I think she’d be fine there and what’s more important, she loved it.</p>
<p>I do things for my kids because they are my kids. No other justification required. </p>
<p>I’m with @awcntdb on this one. There are also some practical issues. Take the FAFSA and the CSS (for those schools that require it.) I had no way of knowing in advance what kinds of documents were going to be required to fill out those forms. In the case of the CSS, I had to dig up purchasing information for a car I bought in the 1990s. Some figures, like the amount of employer contributions to our retirement accounts, were poorly documented on our W2 forms and had to be deduced from a full year’s worth of pay stubs. (Fortunately, I could access them online.)</p>
<p>Now, my daughter could have filled out those forms, but what would have happened is this: she’d have filled in the easy stuff. And then she would have bugged me every 10-20 minutes for an entire afternoon every time she discovered some new piece of information that only I or her mother had access to.</p>
<p>It saved everyone (including me!) a huge amount of trouble just by filling out the forms myself.</p>
<p>Very interesting thread and replies. My S has chosen his college, with some definite help/prodding from me in terms of applications, visits, etc. Why was I involved? a)I have experience; b)I’ve been in the working world for 30 years and believe I know what colleges and ultimately employers are looking for, c) Son is a HUGE procrastinator; and d)I love him and want to see as him happy and successful as his abilities allow.</p>
<p>Now that he’s put down the deposit, he is pushing me away - HARD - we had an argument last night - he doesn’t want me to look at his admitted student website, to do checklist, housing and learning community applications, or any of that. I’m having a hard time with it but I know I should be celebrating his desire to be independent and that now is the time.</p>
<p>After some tossing and turning last night, I came to a conclusion: I need to be invovled in anything that will impact the cost of college, because the majority of it is going to be on me. He’s taking the unsubsidized loans, and earned a merit scholarship, but we don’t qualify for financial aid so I will be shelling out over $150k when all is said and done. It’s my money, and as others have said, although I am happy and proud to spend it on his college, I deserve to make sure it’s well spent and not wasted. So: FAFSA, bill payment, loan applications, local scholarships; I will continue to oversee all of that. Everything else: housing, roommates, course selection, major, what photo he uses for his ID, etc: I will not be involved unless he asks me to be. I think it’s a fair resolution for both of us.</p>
<p>Congrats to OP, your parents are lucky that you are so independent and able to handle all of this, and that you have found a path that didn’t require their finances.</p>
<p>OP, I did it the way you did, by myself. Older son did it largely by himself, but with 1) some light deadline nagging by me and 2) first FAFSA by me. Subsequent FAFSA has not been by me. </p>
<p>I did see college applications as a test of readiness for the kids and of true interest. If a kid really wanted to go to some U, then he should have the ability to apply there largely by himself, knowing what the requirements were and when everything was due. </p>
<p>OP, it’s not just parenting style–it’s also what each individual child is like. It’s a wonderful thing when parenting style and the child’s personality mesh. At other times, it’s often the parent who needs to adjust their approach, because that’s what the child needs. By any chance are you an only child? </p>
<p>I agree with you that it’s very interesting–at times, fascinating!–to see the range of ways to parent, not to mention the range of types of children. </p>
<p>I also did it all by myself many moons ago and I paid 100% of my undergrad and grad expenses. I wish I had retired before my youngest attended college because I would have helped him even more. His student loan debt might not be as much.</p>
<p>I did his FAFSA’s to make sure he received the correct amount of financial aid and did not miss the deadline. Since you asked what I did after my kids got to college, I will say I gave money towards study abroad and also managed to obtain my son’s Student Visa to New Zealand. Getting his visa was very complicated and I don’t think he would have been able to get it by the deadline. What I wished we had done is schedule a family vacation and traveled with him in his host country after his semester was over…</p>
<p>What I did not do is call his school about anything and everything, or pick his dorm as they have a lottery, or snoop on his student account or social media, or help him with study abroad paperwork at his school, or advise him what classes to take. , </p>